When is it ok to say "I love you"?

[Stonewall]

After doing some thinking about the girl I'm dating I have come to the conclusion that I love her. I pride myself in being honest, and straight forward but I don't think this is the right time to drop the L-bomb. I'm sure most've you have read about this situation.

 

Should I just not say it at all and wait until she does? Or if I do let it out when should it be?

 

 

Here is a summary of it incase you haven't read my threads.

 

- just got out of a relationship before we started dating (i told her before we started dating as well)

 

-She is dating multiple guys, I'm not and i've made it known.

 

-Said her relationships don't normally last beyond 2-3 dates because she compares guys to her friend she had a crush on. (her longest relationship was 6 dates, i'm on my 6 date... so i've tied it up)

 

-Asked her if she'd like to exclusively date, she asked me questions about how I was feeling abou my ex, then she became very quiet..

 

-She then said she has jumped into things without thinking before and regreted some of those decisions, and she told me should would like to have the conversation again when she's processed things, and she apologized for not having an answer multiple times as we were making the mile and a half walk to her car.

Edited December 27, 2010 by Stonewall

[Feelin Frisky]

Well, from what you wrote it sounds like it's probably too soon. She doesn't seem committed to you.

 

Consider this too: Would you say you are falling in love with her? Would you tell her you're in love with her as opposed to saying "I love you"? It may sound like a small distinction but it is a humgous one. You can like her and want her to the point that you might want to say I love you. But if you're in the state we call "in love" you will be totally lovesick for her and walking around on a happy cloud. When someone says "I think I'm in love with you" they are talking about theselves in a differt "person" than spilling the words "I love you".

 

In "I think I'm in love with you" or "I've fallen in love with you" you're indicating that she has won you completely. If you say "I love you" it's more of direct contention which she will field a little differntly (no one can say how). Just a thought. I'm sure you want to get this as right as possible.

[zengirl]

I know I wouldn't say, "I love you" to someone who wasn't committed to me. . . and 6 dates sounds really soon to me. Are you sure you really love her at this point? I would worry about it being just the idea of someone, if it were that soon. How can you really know her that well with all that going on?

[catgotyourtongue]

Hi

I think it is too soon...given that you know very little about her, given that she is multi-dating and never dated a guy for more than 6 dates, I would say that telling her I love you is too soon and could easily backfire.

 

Why do you want/need to tell her that so soon? Is it for your sake or hers? In saying somehting so intense and serious, you should always (I think) consider what they are or are not feeling first. I think it's great to tell someone how you feel, but this seems like something that is far too soon and you don't know her well. People feel all the rush and love quickly, it's a high, and 9 out of 10 times, that rush does not last....I am not being negative or trying to scare you, promise, just that love is a very deep and complex thing. You may well be in love, but I would think that getting well past 6 dates and learning more abt her is more important that pushing your deep feelings on her, when she seems really not in same place.

 

I wish you the very best...take a chill pill and keep dating, if and when you are exclusive, and know her more, then worry abt the rest

peace out

[Enchanted Girl]

I agree with all the above posts and everything that is going to be said about how this is too soon, but also want to give you a contrasting perspective to compare it to.

 

I became single again this year. During that time, I was dating 6 different guys and all of them were only dating me (or that's what they told me at least.) After I had been dating all 6 of them for over a month, this new guy suddenly swooped in that I just met from a friend and made moves on me and kissed me. Fairly quickly, this seventh guy told me he wanted a relationship and that he didn't pursue women casually and that he was falling in love with me.

 

Yea, it sounds like a bad idea probably, but it worked on me! I winded up leaving all the other 6 guys (who after a little over a month were still not making an official commitment to me and calling me their girlfriend) because I wanted something serious. Immediately, two of them tried to keep me by telling me that they loved me, too, but I let them go anyway because it was too late.

 

Yes, you don't want to say it too soon, but if you wait too long, then that's a problem, too. If another guy says it first and she wants that commitment like I did, then you might lose her because you didn't say anything.

 

Just tell her you love her and that she doesn't have to say it back until she's ready, but you just want to be honest about your feelings.

 

And know that a lot of girls (like me) wait for the guy to say it first, so you need to decide when the right time is.

 

Although she doesn't really sound too into being committed from what you wrote, but neither was I really until I found someone who was willing to be committed to me.

Edited December 27, 2010 by Enchanted Girl

[Feelin Frisky]

I agree with all the above posts and everything that is going to be said about how this is too soon, but also want to give you a contrasting perspective to compare it to.

 

I became single again this year. During that time, I was dating 6 different guys and all of them were only dating me (or that's what they told me at least.) After I had been dating all 6 of them for over a month, this new guy suddenly swooped in that I just met from a friend and made moves on me and kissed me. Fairly quickly, this seventh guy told me he wanted a relationship and that he didn't pursue women casually and that he was falling in love with me.

 

Yea, it sounds like a bad idea probably, but it worked on me! I winded up leaving all the other 6 guys (who after a little over a month were still not making an official commitment to me and calling me their girlfriend) because I wanted something serious. Immediately, two of them tried to keep me by telling me that they loved me, too, but I let them go anyway because it was too late.

 

Yes, you don't want to say it too soon, but if you wait too long, then that's a problem, too. If another guy says it first and she wants that commitment like I did, then you might lose her because you didn't say anything.

 

Just tell her you love her and that she doesn't have to say it back until she's ready, but you just want to be honest about your feelings.

 

And know that a lot of girls (like me) wait for the guy to say it first, so you need to decide when the right time is.

 

Although she doesn't really sound too into being committed from what you wrote, but neither was I really until I found someone who was willing to be committed to me.

 

 

Whoa, 6 + in a month. My max was 6 in a year. You women have it so easy.

[Stonewall]

Hi

I think it is too soon...given that you know very little about her, given that she is multi-dating and never dated a guy for more than 6 dates, I would say that telling her I love you is too soon and could easily backfire.

 

Why do you want/need to tell her that so soon? Is it for your sake or hers? In saying somehting so intense and serious, you should always (I think) consider what they are or are not feeling first. I think it's great to tell someone how you feel, but this seems like something that is far too soon and you don't know her well. People feel all the rush and love quickly, it's a high, and 9 out of 10 times, that rush does not last....I am not being negative or trying to scare you, promise, just that love is a very deep and complex thing. You may well be in love, but I would think that getting well past 6 dates and learning more abt her is more important that pushing your deep feelings on her, when she seems really not in same place.

 

I wish you the very best...take a chill pill and keep dating, if and when you are exclusive, and know her more, then worry abt the rest

peace out

I've known her before we started dating. We've spent a considerable amount of time just hanging out as friends. She has shared a lot of intimate things with me that she said she's never really shared with other guys. I've also done the same thing with her. She even said this doesn't feel like any other relationship she's had before. This relationship is just so confusing to me. I don't take the word love softely either... I really do feel like I love her with all of my might.

Edited December 27, 2010 by Stonewall

[NoLongerSad]

If you really loved her, you wouldn't be able to tolerate sharing her with other men.

 

Until you lay down that ultimatum to her, you can speak of "love" or "in love" all you want, but she'll know it's not true.

 

Requesting exclusivity is not the same thing as telling her that if she can't make up her mind, you're gone.

Edited December 28, 2010 by NoLongerSad

[ConflictedGuy27]

Well, from what you wrote it sounds like it's probably too soon. She doesn't seem committed to you.

 

Consider this too: Would you say you are falling in love with her? Would you tell her you're in love with her as opposed to saying "I love you"? It may sound like a small distinction but it is a humgous one. You can like her and want her to the point that you might want to say I love you. But if you're in the state we call "in love" you will be totally lovesick for her and walking around on a happy cloud. When someone says "I think I'm in love with you" they are talking about theselves in a differt "person" than spilling the words "I love you".

 

In "I think I'm in love with you" or "I've fallen in love with you" you're indicating that she has won you completely. If you say "I love you" it's more of direct contention which she will field a little differntly (no one can say how). Just a thought. I'm sure you want to get this as right as possible.

 

impressive.

[ConflictedGuy27]

If you really loved her, you wouldn't be able to tolerate sharing her with other men.

 

Until you lay down that ultimatum to her, you can speak of "love" or "in love" all you want, but she'll know it's not true.

 

Requesting exclusivity is not the same thing as telling her that if she can't make up her mind, you're gone.

 

this here, tempered with Enchanted's post is what I agree most with.

 

looks like you should break the "too soon" rule and let her know how you feel, IF you're willing to suggest that not becoming exclusive is a deal breaker.

 

NoLongerSad asks a pretty tough question - if you love her, how could you tolerate sharing her with other men? I get that there's a period where other dudes are going to be in the mix - it's the nature of the "getting to know you" phase.

 

but after a month I would expect anyone that isn't a player, male or female, to begin gravitating towards exclusivity by firing candidates. it seems this woman you love isn't doing that.

 

personally, I wouldn't say it. but again, in light of Enchanted's post, sometimes you just gotta take a chance.

[Stonewall]

this here, tempered with Enchanted's post is what I agree most with.

 

looks like you should break the "too soon" rule and let her know how you feel, IF you're willing to suggest that not becoming exclusive is a deal breaker.

 

NoLongerSad asks a pretty tough question - if you love her, how could you tolerate sharing her with other men? I get that there's a period where other dudes are going to be in the mix - it's the nature of the "getting to know you" phase.

 

but after a month I would expect anyone that isn't a player, male or female, to begin gravitating towards exclusivity by firing candidates. it seems this woman you love isn't doing that.

 

personally, I wouldn't say it. but again, in light of Enchanted's post, sometimes you just gotta take a chance.

I'm afraid to lose her... I don't think she's ever had anybody say that they love her. Right now I want to give her time to think before I give her an ultimatum. She's never taken this step before. I'm going to wait just one more month, to half a month before I talk to her again about it. I was thinking of telling her then... Why I want to exclusively date, which is because I love her.

 

The reason why I told her that I wanted to exclusively date is because I can't stand it. Everytime I think of her kissing another man, and maybe even going farther my heart feels like it is breaking. I feel a miserable bliss right now... I feel so happy, and high yet I feel so terrible and miserable at the same time.

[sully737]

I agree, its too soon. She's seeing other people, I would have a really hard time being in love with someone who was dating other people... I think you should take steps towards exclusivity before you drop I love you's, which it sounds like you're trying to do... But, you gotta walk before you can run.... and telling her you love her to soon might CAUSE her to run... away from you.

 

The last guy I said it to told me he loved me after 6 months, I returned the sentiment to him at around 9 months of exclusive dating.... But then again, Im not exactly the pillar of emotional intimacy.

Edited December 28, 2010 by sully737

[Stonewall]

I agree, its too soon. She's seeing other people, I would have a really hard time being in love with someone who was dating other people... I think you should take steps towards exclusivity before you drop I love you's, which it sounds like you're trying to do... But, you gotta walk before you can run.... and telling her you love her to soon might CAUSE her to run... away from you.

 

The last guy I said it to told me he loved me after 6 months, I returned the sentiment to him at around 9 months of exclusive dating.... But then again, Im not exactly the pillar of emotional intimacy.

Like I said I asked her if she'd like to exclusively date and she asked me about my ex, and how I was feeling. Then she went silent for a long time then said she needed time to think about things.

 

It's really hard being in love with someone that is dating other people. My heart feels like it is hurting... I feel stressed out and have lost my appetite and I haven't been sleeping. When I think about it I feel like I'm sinking, loving her hurts.

[NoLongerSad]

My heart feels like it is hurting... I feel stressed out and have lost my appetite and I haven't been sleeping. When I think about it I feel like I'm sinking, loving her hurts.

 

This isn't love, friend.

[Stonewall]

This isn't love, friend.

This is only one side of it.. On the other hand when I'm with her it feels like I can do anything. I feel a happy bliss, and I feel like I'd sacerfice anything for her. It feels unreal when I'm by her side.

[Enchanted Girl]

Whoa, 6 + in a month. My max was 6 in a year. You women have it so easy.

 

No, I think I was just freakishly lucky. Trust me, it was never like that in the past. XD I spent the ages of 13-19 being single, had a 5 year relationship and then when I was dumped suddenly there were all these men available to me. It just . . . . happened and I doubt I could repeat the experience.

[creighton0123]

I'll be a little philosophical.

 

True love is unconditional. The only time it is right to say that you love her is when you are doing so with no strings attached, meaning without wanting/needing/expecting to hear it in return.

 

Wait a little longer. You seem confused as to where you stand with her. Instead of telling her that you love her, which may or may not be true, pay her another compliment. Tell her that you think she is amazing and that you like where things are going. Then ask her if she likes where things are going.

[Stonewall]

I'll be a little philosophical.

 

True love is unconditional. The only time it is right to say that you love her is when you are doing so with no strings attached, meaning without wanting/needing/expecting to hear it in return.

 

Wait a little longer. You seem confused as to where you stand with her. Instead of telling her that you love her, which may or may not be true, pay her another compliment. Tell her that you think she is amazing and that you like where things are going. Then ask her if she likes where things are going.

I feel the same way about love as you; it should be unconditional. I feel the same way. I also feel like I can bear these feelings as long as I'm next to her. I just long, and wish for the day that I can date her exclusively.

[aerogurl87]

If you're not dating her exclusively, then that means she's not committed. And if she's not committed, then don't tell her you love her yet.

[Stonewall]

Ugh this thread has made me even more confused. That one person brought up a valid point but I also know i shouldn't tell her yet. What a conked relationship I've gotten myself into.

[Star Gazer]

Ugh this thread has made me even more confused. That one person brought up a valid point but I also know i shouldn't tell her yet. What a conked relationship I've gotten myself into.

 

You're not in a relationship. She's dating several other people.

[Stonewall]

You're not in a relationship. She's dating several other people.

 

True that... I've gotten used to saying relationship because that is how she refers to our dating

[aerogurl87]

True that... I've gotten used to saying relationship because that is how she refers to our dating

 

Wait, whoa, what!?!?!? That's how she refers to you two dating? I'm sorry but if I knew someone wasn't dating me exclusively and they referred to that as a relationship I'd have to wonder exactly what they considered to be normal relationship type behavior as there is a difference between dating and being in a relationship. Maybe you should make this clear to her.

[ConflictedGuy27]

google "unrequitted love" and mull the pitfalls of such a concept over.

then begin seeing other women, OP.

[Stonewall]

Wait, whoa, what!?!?!? That's how she refers to you two dating? I'm sorry but if I knew someone wasn't dating me exclusively and they referred to that as a relationship I'd have to wonder exactly what they considered to be normal relationship type behavior as there is a difference between dating and being in a relationship. Maybe you should make this clear to her.

See my frusteration...? She always talks about us being in a "relationship" and doing things in the future like road trips, or going certain places or introducing me to her parents yet when I ask her if she'd like to exclusively date she goes quiet. I get the sinking feeling that I'm having my heart toyed with.