I'd rather have a cheating spouse then one who suggested an open marriage....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

After all this talk it dawned on me..... Being blissfully ignorant of a spouse who cheated on me every once in a while on a business trip or a night out (for sex not an EA), to me is much more palpable then a spouse who asks for an "open relationship", which says it straight to my face she'd like to screw other people.....

 

Comments?????

[jsb58]

I would rather know so that I could seek a lawyer.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

After all this talk it dawned on me..... Being blissfully ignorant of a spouse who cheated on me every once in a while on a business trip or a night out (for sex not an EA), to me is much more palpable then a spouse who asks for an "open relationship", which says it straight to my face she'd like to screw other people.....

 

Comments?????

 

Oops meant palatable......

 

As for a lawyer, I guess I'd need one in both cases..... One though would be 100% immediate.....

[Distant78]

I would never stay with none of them. I already sought a lawyer for one of them once, and will do it again in a heartbeat for the other one too.

[aerogurl87]

I'd rather them cheat and tell me so I could leave, than sit there and have them constantly disrespect our relationship and build intimacy with someone other than myself.

[AVR1962]

Neither are acceptable in my book. Marriage is meant to be sacrid.

[Trimmer]

After all this talk it dawned on me..... Being blissfully ignorant of a spouse who cheated on me every once in a while on a business trip or a night out (for sex not an EA), to me is much more palpable then a spouse who asks for an "open relationship", which says it straight to my face she'd like to screw other people.....

It may seem preferable to you, because in this fantasy, you control what kind of a spouse your secretly "cheating spouse" would be. She would be otherwise normal, a good partner, a good person, perhaps a good mom.

 

In reality, you would have no control over what kind of a person she would be - or would become, as a result of her cheating. Once that fuse is lit, there's no steering wheel, no rudder - just gravity pulling everything down into a whirlpool.

 

So you imagine the fantasy, as if you could order it all from a menu, just the way it would work for you, all clean and tidy - but overwhelmingly, it's unlikely that would be the reality of it.

[denise_xo]

I'd prefer the honesty of the second option. In that case, the partner would be honest with me about his desires and we could then address the consequences of that. Better than having someone go behind my back.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

It may seem preferable to you, because in this fantasy, you control what kind of a spouse your secretly "cheating spouse" would be. She would be otherwise normal, a good partner, a good person, perhaps a good mom.

 

In reality, you would have no control over what kind of a person she would be - or would become, as a result of her cheating. Once that fuse is lit, there's no steering wheel, no rudder - just gravity pulling everything down into a whirlpool.

 

So you imagine the fantasy, as if you could order it all from a menu, just the way it would work for you, all clean and tidy - but overwhelmingly, it's unlikely that would be the reality of it.

 

I'd know nothing and it would be in a blissfully ignorant world I created. The home life, the sex, the family created would be one we created and I'd know no better with my spouse the consummate pro in deception/lying, who cheated solely for sex some times where there was no possibility of being caught.

 

This opposed to the spouse who told me she wants an open relationship, and even if after many conversations it is shut down, I know that this is something she really wants (sex with someone else and maybe an EA too) and I have said no to. Read Vodkafan's post and see what it is like being dragged into this type of relationship (though we don't know where it stands now, we do know how difficult it is).

 

One of our favorite posters disappeared from this site Lizzie60, who would flaunt the services she provided for married men, who were great husbands, fathers and family men, who loved their wives but wanted sex on the side without entanglement and that is what they have with her.

 

This is an either/or question and not about leaving your spouse or hiring a lawyer....... I think so far only 1 answered an admittedly absurd choice one would have.....

Edited December 21, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[PegNosePete]

I'd know nothing and it would be in a blissfully ignorant world I created.

Until you got that burning sensation when you pee, and your whole world comes crashing down.

[xxoo]

A secret affair would destroy me. The lies, the betrayal...finding out my relationship is a fraud.....

 

I'd prefer the conversation.

 

I don't believe that this kind of suggestion is a tragic. If my partner previously desired a mono relationship, and suddenly suggested open, I'd want to dig into the issue and help him uncover the real cause of his dissatisfaction. If we were able to work through it together, I'd feel confident that it wasn't a lingering issue that he was simply shut down. If we couldn't work through it together, then our marriage would be over as we know it anyway.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I would much rather have my spouse SUGGEST an open marriage then cheat behind my back...

 

Upon the suggestion there are many paths to take. However, upon the discovery of the cheating, the choices are very limted in my mind. If the cheating is undiscovered it will erode the marriage like a crumbling foundation.

 

A request to change the structure (even though, from my current perspective I could never grant it), would be more likely to be workable than a crumbling foundation that likely connot be repaired.

[carhill]

Since you said 'she', I'd opine I'd prefer an honest discourse. IME, being married to one, very few women can f*ck like a man, so an EA would always be a risk from any PA. Regardless, open and transparent communication gives both partners good information upon which to make healthy decisions. For some, a marriage of convenience would be one path. For others, mutual polyamory might be their path. For others, divorce. All are acceptable and healthy if the partners find them to be in *their* dynamic.

[JustJoe]

I'm not sure what the OP is saying. I think he is talking apples and oranges. If she is cheating, then she has already made her decision with regards to the marriage.... to be unfaithful. If she is just suggesting an alternative lifestyle as a subject for discussion, then no action has , as yet, taken place. I would much prefer the latter to the former.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would rather have one who was open about what they want so that it could be addressed instead of someone who is simple unable to be honest. Already had that, not fun.

[carhill]

I take it more as disclosure vs non-disclosure of poly-sexual proclivities. If a poly-sexual person is inhibiting their natural style, it leaks into other areas of their relationship dynamics. Everything seeks balance. Such a person can be satisfied with the sexual relations with their spouse yet still desire sex with other people.

 

TBH, I've met no MW's who were 'satisfied' with the sex with their spouse, if one is to believe their disclosures. Alternatively, such disclosures might have merely been a mind-f*ck. Regardless, perhaps, that delineates the psychology of 'cheating' from the psychology of poly-sexual behavior.

[xxoo]

Regardless, open and transparent communication gives both partners good information upon which to make healthy decisions. For some, a marriage of convenience would be one path. For others, mutual polyamory might be their path. For others, divorce. All are acceptable and healthy if the partners find them to be in *their* dynamic.

 

One more possibility--uncover underlying issues in the marriage, address them, and continue forward monogamous and stronger than ever.

 

TDP, I think your thread is meant to be light, but seriously--if your wife is disatisfied in your marriage, do you want to know about it or not? Does this extend beyond the open/closed issue? Do you want a marriage where issues are confronted and addressed, or where each partner pretends everything is ok when it is not?

[sally4sara]

I won't go so far as to say I'd not be a bit worried if the conversation was more than simple abstract discussion. But I'm not prone to drastic tantrums and threats to end everything over a conversation about subjects I'm not interested in putting into practice. I'm not sure how any marriage would stand a chance with a partner who freaks out and cries "DIVORCE!" the moment the others brings up a topic they find distasteful. It would end up one of those marriages where the two people just don't talk much out of fear of reprisal and threats.

 

I trust my partner to respect my wishes about any subject they bring up that I have no interest in.

 

Like taking up driving a truck ala "Ice Road Truckers". My husband and I watched one of the episodes. He said he would do it as the pay is really good and I said I'd be terrified out of my mind every time he had to make the trip. I don't fear he is going to go ahead and seek out the job. I certainly have more control over my emotions than to seek a divorce simply because he brought it up. I took my vows more seriously than that.

[JustJoe]

I won't go so far as to say I'd not be a bit worried if the conversation was more than simple abstract discussion. But I'm not prone to drastic tantrums and threats to end everything over a conversation about subjects I'm not interested in putting into practice. I'm not sure how any marriage would stand a chance with a partner who freaks out and cries "DIVORCE!" the moment the others brings up a topic they find distasteful. It would end up one of those marriages where the two people just don't talk much out of fear of reprisal and threats.

 

I trust my partner to respect my wishes about any subject they bring up that I have no interest in.

 

Like taking up driving a truck ala "Ice Road Truckers". My husband and I watched one of the episodes. He said he would do it as the pay is really good and I said I'd be terrified out of my mind every time he had to make the trip. I don't fear he is going to go ahead and seek out the job. I certainly have more control over my emotions than to seek a divorce simply because he brought it up. I took my vows more seriously than that.

Oh, Jeez, Sara, I really, really want to do the "ice road truckers", thing. I think it would be a total rush. My GF would freak, but I would get off on it.

[carhill]

One more possibility--uncover underlying issues in the marriage, address them, and continue forward monogamous and stronger than ever.

 

If there are 'issues' in the M, then, yes, open communication and working them would be a healthy path. For some, however, repressed poly-sexual preference is an issue which may be contrary to what a 'monogamous' relationship is defined by, and is a distinct possibility within the parameters of the OP. I have no idea what the OP (TDP) 'meant' by starting the thread so answer the subject matter without prejudice. I personally believe it's better to get these issues out in the open early, long before marriage. I'm finding, more and more, women really do reveal themselves to me; it's just a matter of listening and accepting. Great stuff

[sally4sara]

Oh, Jeez, Sara, I really, really want to do the "ice road truckers", thing. I think it would be a total rush. My GF would freak, but I would get off on it.

 

But if she was truly terrified at the thought, would you be able to not become an Ice Road Trucker"? Or should she just dump your azz right now for talking about it?

[JustJoe]

What you talkin bout, Willis? I planned on taking her with me to keep me warm, and make the coffee. Seriously, I truly hope that we can talk about anything, without getting bent out of shape about it.

[Stung]

Well, I wouldn't like it if my husband started asking me to open up our relationship, especially since I am aware that monogamy is important to him. It would make me feel threatened, and hurt--but that's still a far sight better, in my estimation, than how I would feel if I found out he had been sleeping around, lying to me, disrespecting me and betraying our trust. I would at least appreciate that he had respected me enough to approach me with his feelings honestly, and the fact that it would give us the opportunity to work on our marriage, whatever methods that entailed. I would probably want us to talk everything out in counseling before making any crazy decisions.

[sally4sara]

What you talkin bout, Willis? I planned on taking her with me to keep me warm, and make the coffee. Seriously, I truly hope that we can talk about anything, without getting bent out of shape about it.

 

That's what I'm saying. Absolutely if someone is really into that life style, the only way they're going to find acceptance for it is to be up front about it and find a partner to marry that will allow it. But life doesn't always work that way I suppose. I guess this is where we see the urge to censor things comes in; what will we do if someone we have already committed to learns something previously never presented to them before? Such as finding Linda Carter very intriguing when I was 5 and only recognizing the attraction 12 years later when I learned about lesbianism. I cannot for the life of me explain how I knew what sex was and that men had sex with men, and still it never occurred to me that women had sex with women too till much later. I just figured I wanted to be Wonder Woman really really badly.

 

I still kinda do.

 

But with all this talk about marriage being "sacrid", why am I getting the feeling that some can't grasp what it is to be a true partner? It means you are their most valued friend and confidant. If they can't share what is on their mind with you - who would you prefer they share these darker thoughts with I wonder? Sounds like you're setting the stage for an AP who "really gets them". And AP are only too willing to offer up whatever the BS isn't selling or even willing to discuss.

[JustJoe]

Or, like my uncle used to say, if you won't scratch their itch, there is somebody always willing to do it for you.