wtf?

[northern_sky]

Yeah, so trying to be J's friend didn't work, but not for the reason I thought it wouldn't. We tried hanging out the other night in a platonic way. It wasn't that I felt attached or emotional. I was actually having a really good time until he flipped out on me.

 

Apparently I seriously wounded his ego with something I said. We were both a bit drunk and he told me his number of sexual partners, which was high, and he also said he had sex with another girl shortly after I stopped seeing him. I laughed and teasingly said, "why are you so slutty?" He said that it's because he felt like he hadn't slept with enough women. And then he suddenly got really upset and told me to leave and that he needed to be alone. He says I hit a nerve since his sluttiness is something he is seriously insecure about. He also asked me for a hug after I said this, which I gave him. He said, "I really like you, I'm sorry I'm so fcked up." I apologized for hurting him, but he brushed me off and told me he needed to be alone. Then today we exchanged a few emails, and he basically indicated he doesn't want me as a friend anymore. At least that's what I get reading between the lines.

 

Here are a few excerpts of what he said:

 

I've felt pretty down because of some of the things you said the last time we hung out, and although I'm not mad at you I'm also not sure how excited I am about seeing you again right away. Much of what you said is true and your take on my situation gave me a lot to think about, but your choices of timing and delivery... well, you're very insightful and extremely smart, but I think you risk reducing people and ideas to a hurtful degree.

 

I should clarify that I never thought you were doing or saying anything malicious: just that what you said has put my mind on a train of thought which is negative for me and I don't think I can see you until I've settled things internally. It's not an unproductive state, either -- just confusing, and kind of a downer. I don't think that internally you reduce me, or anyone else, to an oversimplification, but your manner of expressing your observations does have a tendency to come off harshly and on Tuesday it hit a lot of my personal chords. That tactlessness doesn't make you a jerk, I just think you run the risk of potentially hurting people without meaning to. Much like I do with my selfishness, absentminded, and often inconsistent behavior.

 

I'm not saying that I won't forgive you -- I'm saying that there's no insult to forgive. You didn't do anything wrong, you just said some true things in a way that has taken me down a path where I'm not going to feel 100% comfortable or safe around you for a little while. I'll get over it and probably grow from having heard it the way you said it. And I know that you care about and appreciate me: you say as much very regularly, and I do hear you. I just need a little space to examine what you said and figure out what to do with it, and that might take me a little time.

 

If I may suggest, let's talk about it in person after Christmas, which will give me enough time to process everything in a productive way. Does that sound okay to you? I don't want to confine this discussion to text, but I do want to give myself a little room to consider how I feel. I'm sorry if I came off sounding harsh or reductionist myself in that first email -- I'm just a little on edge, but I wasn't trying to unfairly criticize you.

 

WTF? I realize what I said was a bit tactless, but I have never criticized him before! If anything, I've been extremely complimentary and forgiving...even after he was a total dick to me and blew me off. I've told him many times how smart I think he is, and encouraged him when he's been down on himself about his career. He is also blunt himself, so I didn't think he'd be so sensitive.

 

Nobody has ever complained about this to me before or gotten offended. I went out with my roommate and her friend tonight, and I was having trouble just loosening up because I was on guard with everything I said.

 

Am I overreacting or is this totally absurd?

 

I haven't responded to his last email, and I don't plan to. I hope this gives me enough incentive to cut contact. It's pretty clear to me at this point that he doesn't value me as a friend at all.

Edited December 18, 2010 by northern_sky

[Star Gazer]

He said there were things (PLURAL) that you said. What else did you say besides asking him why he's so slutty?

[northern_sky]

He said there were things (PLURAL) that you said. What else did you say besides asking him why he's so slutty?

 

The slutty comment was what he reacted to. We talked a bit about his issues, but I didn't say anything else that could be construed as offensive.

[Star Gazer]

I didn't say anything else that could be construed as offensive.

 

That you know of. He said "things" more than once. Sounds to me like there was more than just one comment which made him on edge.

[northern_sky]

That you know of. He said "things" more than once. Sounds to me like there was more than just one comment which made him on edge.

 

Honestly, I really think that was it. Before I left he said how he needed to be alone because of what "came to light" about me "thinking he's a slut." I tried to apologize, but he wouldn't hear it.

[allina]

He's just being dramatic and manipulative, why do you care so much about his little hissy fit/attention grabbing melodrama?

[Alma Mobley]

I think it has to do with these "things" he alluded to as well. I think he perhaps reacted to the slutty comment, but he was already upset about some of the things you said.

[Alma Mobley]

He's just being dramatic and manipulative, why do you care so much about his little hissy fit/attention grabbing melodrama?

 

I agree that he's being overly dramatic and probably manipulative. His writing style also reminds me of someone I used to date -- he was such a narcissist (little n).

[northern_sky]

I think it has to do with these "things" he alluded to as well. I think he perhaps reacted to the slutty comment, but he was already upset about some of the things you said.

 

Guys, it really was the slutty comment based on how he reacted and what he told me that upset him at the time. I mean I could email him and ask to clarify, but I think it's pointless.

[northern_sky]

WTH!!! It did not even cross my mind that you are lying, you are such a spaz sometimes!! Jesus Christ. And please stop with the "don't respond to my thread" crap, seriously, it really is beneath you.

 

Then what did you mean when you said what else did you say to him? I already wrote that that was the only offensive thing I said, and it was what he reacted to. Unless I hallucinated, that was the thing that got to him.

[northern_sky]

As I wrote above, I have NEVER criticized him except for that comment. If anything, I've been the opposite -- feeding his ego to an unhealthy degree. It's true that I can be dismissive about movies I don't like or whatever. But I've never been critical of him.

[Star Gazer]

Thank you, Star, that has suddenly become screamingly obvious to me.

 

For example, take the "slutty" comment.

 

"Slut" is obviously a negative thing.

 

"Moving on" isn't a negative thing, it's neutral, and possibly even positive.

 

She chose to declare him as slutty, as opposed to why a guy who moves on from woman to woman so quickly. They're one and the same, but it's the way she labels folks that is sometimes very harsh.

 

By her own admission, she's also cynical and assumes the worst in most people. If she voices those thoughts, there's no doubt that they could be hurtful to someone who cares how they're perceived...as this J guy seems to.

[northern_sky]

What I and a few other people are saying that you may have said other things that have hit a nerve with him, though it may have seemed perfectly innocuous to you. Or it could have been the way you said he was slutty, and your direct discussion afterward... I believe you think it was just the slutty comment, but it sounds more like it was the comment that may have broken the camel's back.

 

That's the bizarre thing. I really think it was just that comment, because when he got upset he said he was upset that I called him slutty. And that's exactly how I phrased it, and it was said in a joking manner.

 

You guys are denying me the benefit of the doubt that you're extending to someone who has already proven himself with his behavior to be selfish and insensitive

[northern_sky]

For example, take the "slutty" comment.

 

"Slut" is obviously a negative thing.

 

"Moving on" isn't a negative thing, it's neutral, and possibly even positive.

 

She chose to declare him as slutty, as opposed to why a guy who moves on from woman to woman so quickly. They're one and the same, but it's the way she labels folks that is sometimes very harsh.

 

By her own admission, she's also cynical and assumes the worst in most people. If she voices those thoughts, there's no doubt that they could be hurtful to someone who cares how they're perceived...as this J guy seems to.

 

Please. He threw a hissy fit cause I jokingly called him slutty, after he's been legitimately hurtful to me in the past. What I said was tactless, but his reaction is out of proportion.

[Star Gazer]

As I wrote above, I have NEVER criticized him except for that comment. ... It's true that I can be dismissive about movies I don't like or whatever. But I've never been critical of him.

 

If you dismiss or criticize something he likes or enjoys or values (in this case, a particular movie), he could easily feel as though you're dismissing and criticizing him...particularly given that movies/film is so much a part of who he is, just like you.

[northern_sky]

If you dismiss or criticize something he likes or enjoys or values (in this case, a particular movie), he could easily feel as though you're dismissing and criticizing him...particularly given that movies/film is so much a part of who he is, just like you.

 

He's been legitimately hurtful to me. Criticizing a movie doesn't compare.

 

But I know at this point you will pretty much criticize everything I do and defend everything he does...

 

You might want to reserve your judgment on my judgmentalness...

[Star Gazer]

That's the bizarre thing. I really think it was just that comment, because when he got upset he said he was upset that I called him slutty. And that's exactly how I phrased it, and it was said in a joking manner.

 

You guys are denying me the benefit of the doubt that you're extending to someone who has already proven himself with his behavior to be selfish and insensitive

 

HIS behavior only?

 

You "really think" it was just that comment, but given his reaction, there's GOT to be more to it. Lisa and I just pointed out that there's got to be more to it, and I just suggested a way in which you likely offended him without knowing it (dismissing and criticizing movies).

 

Despite starting this thread on the topic of why he reacted this way, it seems as though you really don't have any interest in thinking outside the box to figure out why he reacted the way he did.

 

You don't ever think you're offensive. I just really think you might benefit from considering otherwise.

[northern_sky]

I agree that he's being overly dramatic and probably manipulative. His writing style also reminds me of someone I used to date -- he was such a narcissist (little n).

 

Yeah, I read up on narcissism after this incident because it really confused me. And he pretty much fits the description to a t. Suddenly the discrepancy between his exterior insensitivity and internal sensitivity make perfect sense.

[Cracker Jack]

There's just one, earth shattering question I have for you regarding this guy, Northern: does it really matter?

[Star Gazer]

He's been legitimately hurtful to me. Criticizing a movie doesn't compare.

 

Who's comparing what he did or didn't do to what you did?? That's irrelevant. This is about HIS reaction to something YOU said/did.

[northern_sky]

Shadow, what do you plan to do with this guy? Where do you intend for this relationship to go? Are you going to honor his wishes and wait until after XMas to talk, or are you just going to drop him and leave it at that? Do you care that much whether he's irritated with you or not? By you're own account you are friends in little more than name only. Is he even worth a thread at this point?

 

Of course I care. And I am legitimately hurt by his response, because it makes me feel like he doesn't value me as a friend. It really confused me.

[Alma Mobley]

I said what I said because you wrote that you and he talked about his "issues." Perhaps you unnerved him with some of your insight (he did say you were insightful) and then the slutty comment was too much and he got angry, I don't know. He also referred to your "take on [his] situation."

 

If it truly is that you teasingly said, "You're so slutty" and there is NOTHING else it could possibly be, then he has problems or maybe he was just looking for a reason to go off on you. I think you should ignore that email, too.

[Star Gazer]

I guess I'm missing something, because I thought you were only keeping his as a business contact in the future?

 

Yet now you want to be real friends with someone you're still referring to as narcissistic, selfish, and insensitive, and who hurt you deeply.

 

I don't get it...

[northern_sky]

 

If it truly is that you teasingly said, "You're so slutty" and there is NOTHING else it could possibly be, then he has problems or maybe he was just looking for a reason to go off on you. I think you should ignore that email, too.

 

This is what I think. I believe this whole fit was an excuse to cut of our friendship. Hence why I said he doesn't value me as a friend, and why I don't feel like I should respond.

[Star Gazer]

This is what I think. I believe this whole fit was an excuse to cut of our friendship.

 

Why would he need an excuse? Couldn't he just cut bait and avoid/ignore you? Why would all this drama be necessary?