I made a huge mistake...

[i made a mess]

I really need advice, and I'm hoping I can get some good insight on how bad I screwed up.

 

I am a 27 year old girl and had been dating a 32 year old man. A bit of history about me...I've never been in good relationships. I would date and when I would try to talk about feelings or things that bothered me, I would always end up getting yelled at, told I'm crazy, etc. So, in an effort to hold on to relationships and/or protect myself from being verbally/emotionally abused, I just would keep my mouth shut.

 

Fast forward to October 2009. I meet THE perfect guy. He's sweet, he's sexy, he's sensitive, treats me like a woman, speaks to me like I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever known. Ladies - he's the kind of guy we wait our whole lives to meet. We dated for about 3 months and when we started to get close...I bolted. (Hello commitment phobia!) We didn't talk for a month or so, but then I realized that I missed him, not just what we had...but him, and wanted another chance. Over the next 6 months (through July of this year) we dated off and on, we never got really serious..mainly because being the commitment phobe person I am, I never made him a priority. I would go out with my friends, and when I was done I would call him. If it were 3am, 1:30am, etc...I had no concern for him, just myself. I am so ashamed of myself. I would see him at my convenience...and basically treated him the exact opposite of how I would ever want to be treated. I would reel him in, push him away, reel him in and push him away. In July I told him I loved him and he said it back but then I sort of freaked out that I did it and ran again.

 

We've talked via text, saw eachother a couple times (group setting) and kept the lines open. I haven't dated anyone else, though not sure if he has or not. I wouldn't blame him if he thought I was crazy...but I did the whole texts late at night, not because I was drunk (i wasn't) but because it had ate away at me all day long and then I would get to the point that I had to say something and I'd just send him 3 or 4 texts. I told him I screwed up, that I was sorry, that I wanted to fix things...and he's kept his distance but never severed communication.

 

Knowing how I feel, recognizing I have commitment issues, I've sought out therapy to work on this so that I can open up to him and tell him how I feel and not be afraid to accept his love. I've been so afraid of losing control of my life and becoming vulnerable to being hurt, that I know I pushed him away. I asked him on a date in September and he said "it would hurt too much".

 

A little over 2 weeks ago, I introduced him to my little sister who was visitng from out of town (he's a sheriffs deputy on the overnight shift) and we happened to see him on a late night fast food run after going out. I text him and he immediately came and met us where we were. I tried not to act too eager knowing that I had screwed up with the excessive texting. That seemed to do the trick, because the next day he contacted me first with a silly little text forward. I didn't try to force conversation in the texts, I acknowledge his text and let it be. Then the following day he calls me. He made small talk, and then he said "Well I just called to say hi", which he has done several times in the past. we hung up and 2 minutes later he called me again. He said that he hadn't just called to say hi, he was going to invite me over but since he'd been awake since the day before he didn't want to fall asleep on me. I don't know if that was his way of feeling me out if I would come over (at his convenience for once) like taking a chance...well I was getting a cold and he kept saying how tired he was and he didn't want to fall asleep, etc so I told him he should get some sleep and that I had a cold and we could get together when we were both up to par. Something tells me I should have gone...anyway, I asked him on 11/16 (2 days after he invited me over...sort of) if he'd like to come over and he said he was busy doing laundry. I haven't heard from him since, and when I called his phone the number is no longer in service and hasn't been for almost 2 weeks.

 

I'm in freak out mode at this point...I know he's ok, but did I cause him to change his number? Did I send him over the edge and break the camels back? I feel terrible and so ashamed of myself for hurting him and then apparently rejecting him when he took a chance and invited me over. I really didn't think he wanted me to come over...I thought he just wanted to let me know that he was tired, but if he hadnt' been he would have liked to see me.

 

What do I do at this point? We have never emailed one another so email is not an option, we both know where the other one lives, we don't have mutual friends...but I'm so afraid of making the wrong move and worsening the situation. I think I suck at the dating game since I have no idea what things mean when they aren't literal.

 

Did I lose him forever? I'm an absolute wreck over this. Help...please.

[JustJoe]

Go talk to him, tell him what you've said here and see what he says. You rejected him, so you will have to fix it.

[i made a mess]

But will driving to his house come across as a bit crazy? I know I have to open up and risk rejection here but I would hate to worsen the situation.

[Nkognito]

But will driving to his house come across as a bit crazy? I know I have to open up and risk rejection here but I would hate to worsen the situation.

 

Yes it will be uninvited and might throw him off. Arrange to meet at a local coffee shop or bagel place, then go back to his place.

[poorguy]

You have to earn his trust now. He may think your flake. I don't think you ruined your chance at anything because nothing at all terrible happened. You need to talk to him directly and tell him what you've realized you've done

[i made a mess]

It's not that easy to set up a place to meet and talk. He has changed his #. I have zero way to reach him :-/

[Eternity001]

I would show up at a time when you know he's home. He still cares about you.

 

If you want this you will fix it and if you're a genuine you will exhaust every avenue to make this happen. Don't be afraid, take the step. You have to earn his trust and prove you are genuine. If you let it go then all it shows him is that you don't really care after all and are just prepared to give up when the going gets tough.

 

At this stage you have nothing to lose and everything to gain Forget about all your inhibitions and just go for it.

[i made a mess]

I'm just so scared (that's what got me in this mess in the first place) to make any sort of move. I just feel frozen and trapped in my own fear all the time. I'm scared that he's met someone else, or that he's going to tell me he's completely done with me or what the past men in my life have said, that I'm just not good enough. There are days I just hate myself for being so stupid and pushing him away. If I had it all to do over again; I would tell him every day how much he means to me, how happy he made me, and how important he was to me. I would have been open with him about my feelings and fears. I would embrace every moment we had together and I'd jump in with both feet, instead of keeping one foot out the door at all times.

 

I've had a handful of relationships in my life, and I've never felt for someone the way I felt for him. It scared the sh*t out of me and I didn't know how to handle those feelings at all. So I let the fear get the best of me and decided to push away as a way to avoid dealing with these new kinds of feelings.

 

I feel like him changing his number, and not speaking to me in almost 3 weeks is sort of his way of telling me he's done. But I feel I really need to tell him these things, because I don't want to always wonder what if. Would it be tacky to write it in a letter and mail it? Is it normal for me to be so fearful of letting him know how I feel? Have any of you ever been through this...what did you do or did your ex do to win you back and build trust. I feel like I'm going crazy at this point.

 

.