Hopeful30 Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 It's boys night out, he's out with the boys, i'm chillin at home. He wants me to go to his house, wait for him to come home and spend the night with him. I'm nobody's b*tch. I tell him I want to sleep at my place tonight and I might be going to the movies with a girlfriend. "fine, you don't want to stay with me tonight then go have fun with your friend. goodnight." Ummm wtf?? I tell him "I never said anything when you wanted a night out with the boys, so don't give me crap. Don't talk to me like that and be rude just because I won't spend every night in your bed. Have a good night." His response? "Fine. Goodnight." I feel like i'm dealing with a 5 year old. How can I show him he is being ridiculous without having him get more dramatic?
ecm Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 If you say you're not going to go there, don't go there. Show him you mean what you say
Author Hopeful30 Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Obviously. It's not about that though. When I tell him he is a drama queen, he just tells me I am one too. So I try to approach him with a mature, adult conversation that he fights with me for unnecessary reasons, yet he gets more dramatic. I don't know how to approach this.
dispatch3d Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 the specific problem you had (I think it's that you don't want to go to his house, wait around until he gets home, just so he can get sex) doesn't have anything to do with what you said (I didn't complain about guys night, don't complain about girls night). Second problem, you are blaming him. Blame yourself. What are you doing to further cause drama (like are you calling him rude when you don't have to, snapping back at him if he acts a little offended, etc. etc.).
GolferGirl123 Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 the specific problem you had (I think it's that you don't want to go to his house, wait around until he gets home, just so he can get sex) doesn't have anything to do with what you said (I didn't complain about guys night, don't complain about girls night). Second problem, you are blaming him. Blame yourself. What are you doing to further cause drama (like are you calling him rude when you don't have to, snapping back at him if he acts a little offended, etc. etc.). This pretty much sums it up, IMO. I know it's tough when you're mad or frustrated, but keeping your cool and responding calmly will be much more effective in deal with this type of behavior. You could have just ignored his second text (was there really anything more you needed to say at that point?), or you could have just replied "Thanks, I will, I hope you have a great time also! :D"
EasyHeart Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 This can never be said enough times: ATTENTION ALL WOMEN: YOU CANNOT "CHANGE" A MAN. NEVER. IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF HUMANITY, AND IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FOR YOU.
ConstantCraving Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 It's boys night out, he's out with the boys, i'm chillin at home. He wants me to go to his house, wait for him to come home and spend the night with him. I'm nobody's b*tch. I tell him I want to sleep at my place tonight and I might be going to the movies with a girlfriend. "fine, you don't want to stay with me tonight then go have fun with your friend. goodnight." Ummm wtf?? I tell him "I never said anything when you wanted a night out with the boys, so don't give me crap. Don't talk to me like that and be rude just because I won't spend every night in your bed. Have a good night." His response? "Fine. Goodnight." I feel like i'm dealing with a 5 year old. How can I show him he is being ridiculous without having him get more dramatic? Wait a minute...wait a minute. What is the problem here? He asked you do to something. You said "no". He said "fine". Why are stressing about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?
GolferGirl123 Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 This can never be said enough times: ATTENTION ALL WOMEN: YOU CANNOT "CHANGE" A MAN. NEVER. IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF HUMANITY, AND IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FOR YOU. But she can change how she responds to him. Wait a minute...wait a minute. What is the problem here? He asked you do to something. You said "no". He said "fine". Why are stressing about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING? I read his text (assuming that was word for word) as being bratty and passive aggressive, same as OP apparently did...but I think if she didn't ignore it, she should have mis-interpreted it the same way you said here.
Els Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Wait a minute...wait a minute. What is the problem here? He asked you do to something. You said "no". He said "fine". Why are stressing about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING? Oh come on. Look at what came after the 'fine'. If you asked your wife if you could go for a guys' night out and she said 'fine you don't wanna stay at home with me, go with your friends then', do you really think she means 'fine'?
carhill Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 OP, a couple things... 1. Presuming this was a text conversation (which I highly suggest being replaced by phone, meaning verbal conversation), it allows him to exhibit behaviors which would otherwise cause him to lose face in front of his friends. He can 'fight' with you via text while smiling and laughing with his drinking buddies. No social consequences. 2. You can accept his behaviors, assert your boundaries and act in a way which is healthy for you. At the point when his texted this: "fine, you don't want to stay with me tonight then go have fun with your friend. goodnight." - you had a choice. You could accept that statement and go have fun with your friend. You could respond to the tone of the statement, as perceived by you, irrespective of content. You could ask him to call you and speak about it verbally. You could escalate the statement as a perceived conflict via text, which apparently you did. If he's a 'dramatic boyfriend', that's who he is. His essential emotional and communication styles will not change without substantial work and desire by him. Ask yourself what aspects of his attractiveness override this dynamic and cause you to remain in the relationship. As is common, this conflict, from your perspective, is really about you. Your perspective, your boundaries, your *choices*. Good luck
BobSacamento Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 You could have let him down a little easier since you know he's a bit dramatic. Kind of lay it on thick. I can understand where your coming from - you don't want to be his free 2AM call girl. Just understand he's probably bombed.
ConstantCraving Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Oh come on. Look at what came after the 'fine'. If you asked your wife if you could go for a guys' night out and she said 'fine you don't wanna stay at home with me, go with your friends then', do you really think she means 'fine'? I'm deadly serious. I think we have a case of two radically different conversational styles here. The OP is determined to take offense at his remarks. Why should she? She does what she wants. He does what he wants. NEITHER of them gets to moan about it.
abouttoloseit Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 It's boys night out, he's out with the boys, i'm chillin at home. He wants me to go to his house, wait for him to come home and spend the night with him. I'm nobody's b*tch. I think you're being a bit aggressive to him. You could have been a bit more subtle about it. I mean, when my ex used to go out, I'd meet her at her flat afterwards and watch a movie or something usually till 4am lol. But prior to that I was out with my friends too. And vice versa... Why don't you want to go to his flat then? Do you think you feel that your his little call girl or something? DO you think that's all he's using you for? Are you guys not friends or something? Is this a casual thing? Either way, you seem really defensive!
Author Hopeful30 Posted November 28, 2010 Author Posted November 28, 2010 Why don't you want to go to his flat then? Do you think you feel that your his little call girl or something? DO you think that's all he's using you for? Are you guys not friends or something? Is this a casual thing? Either way, you seem really defensive! I was defensive because of his tone. He seemed offended and angry, and I don't understand why HE can do certain things and I should be okay with it, but when I do the same thing it's a big deal. Seems like a double standard to me. I don't wanna go all the way to his place because its a 40 minute drive.
abouttoloseit Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Are you ok with him going out for a lads night out? Does he spit his dummy out when you have your girls nights out? If you want to spend the night with your friend, yes he should just be ok with it. Unless he is pissed at you for some other reason? Which may be why he has gone out? I don't know...
dispatch3d Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I was defensive because of his tone. He seemed offended and angry, and I don't understand why HE can do certain things and I should be okay with it, but when I do the same thing it's a big deal. Seems like a double standard to me. I don't wanna go all the way to his place because its a 40 minute drive. saying something is a double standard is a slippery slope as well. I think you should be looking at this from the perspective of what can I do differently to change his behavior. Until you fix everything from your end you are doing wrong I really don't think it's fair to even start on what he's doing wrong.
Author Hopeful30 Posted November 29, 2010 Author Posted November 29, 2010 saying something is a double standard is a slippery slope as well. I think you should be looking at this from the perspective of what can I do differently to change his behavior. Until you fix everything from your end you are doing wrong I really don't think it's fair to even start on what he's doing wrong. How was any of this my doing? I'm not perfect but we are focusing on the situation right now. I was sweet and kind and told him to go have fun, and to be careful not to drink too much, and if he needed anything to give me a call. But when I decide to MAYBE go out with a girlfriend of mine, it's a big deal. What could I have possibly done wrong here? To me it sounds like a bit of a macho mentality, the man does what he wants and the woman must obey.
GolferGirl123 Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 How was any of this my doing? I'm not perfect but we are focusing on the situation right now. I was sweet and kind and told him to go have fun, and to be careful not to drink too much, and if he needed anything to give me a call. But when I decide to MAYBE go out with a girlfriend of mine, it's a big deal. What could I have possibly done wrong here? To me it sounds like a bit of a macho mentality, the man does what he wants and the woman must obey. If you're upset by this, you should break up with him.
Author Hopeful30 Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 She will never breakup with him. People with her mentality, only look for ways to get back at their SO. It's like a game to them. They keep tabs on getting one up on each other, like little children. If you break up the game is over, she will continue to deal with the childish antics. Some people try to look past that and find ways to deal with it because perhaps the bigger picture is more important. Perhaps he is like no other man, and treats her like no other man, and they are happy together except for little things like this. Gee I dunno, maybe that's why some people end up alone, because they break up for the smallest things. Either too picky or wait for the person of their dreams (which doesn't exist because no one is perfect). I guess I am too considerate and think of ways to handle this stuff because I don't just dump people if they aren't flawless. Poor me.
Andy_K Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 It's boys night out, he's out with the boys, i'm chillin at home. He wants me to go to his house, wait for him to come home and spend the night with him. I'm nobody's b*tch. I tell him I want to sleep at my place tonight and I might be going to the movies with a girlfriend. I'd like to see the transcript of these messages too, otherwise the context for what followed is unclear
Els Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Some people try to look past that and find ways to deal with it because perhaps the bigger picture is more important. Perhaps he is like no other man, and treats her like no other man, and they are happy together except for little things like this. Gee I dunno, maybe that's why some people end up alone, because they break up for the smallest things. Either too picky or wait for the person of their dreams (which doesn't exist because no one is perfect). I guess I am too considerate and think of ways to handle this stuff because I don't just dump people if they aren't flawless. Poor me. I agree with you, and I think people often post without even thinking of what they would do in your situation. I think in the future you should reason with him politely that you really don't want to drive 40 minutes one way just to wait for him to come back from an outing with his mates, and perhaps tell him nicely that you would have come if he'd had more time to spend with you instead of just the remainder of the night.
mitchell Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 I don't see anything wrong with him asking. He wanted you there when he came home. Perhaps he was interested in you spending the night and the next day together. You didn't want to travel (which was fine). I'm sure he was disappointed.
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