Is LC the best road

[starting2wakeup]

I recently found these forums and have been reading over them for the past several days. I have found some great advise here and hope that by telling my story I might be able to get some thoughts as to my situation and whether or not I am handling it properly.

 

I really don't know where to begin but to give you an idea of the basics, my wife and I have/had been together for 11 years, 7 of them as husband and wife. We are both in our early thirties and have 2 daughters, ages 4 and 6. About a year ago my wife told me that she wasn't sure if she was cut out for marriage, or any relationship for that matter. This of course would have been nice to know say, 10 years ago. We saw multiple MC's but none of them seemed to help. No matter what I did or who we talked to she was still very uneasy with the marriage label. Having recently spoken to her, the idea of labels is a reoccurring issue that I don't fully understand, but I'm jumping ahead.

 

The day before Father's Day she served me with papers requesting a separation. I lawyered up right away and we have been officially/legally separated now for 2 months. The past few months have been incredibly hard on me but they have also helped to open my eyes in many respects. While I am still in a tremendous amount of pain, I can now see how I was neglected and possibly taken advantage of by her.

 

About a year ago, around the same time that she first expressed her concerns with our/any relationship - no coincidence I'm sure - I found an email correspondence between her and another man. Their banter was not at all what I would consider appropriate and I immediately called her out on it. She played it off, saying that the other man was gay. At the time I didn't fully believe her but to be completely honest, I was afraid she would leave so I pushed it all aside. She agreed to no longer speak with him but then she started going to a trivia night at a local bar. This only lead to more and more problems. She kept finding excuses to get out of the house and while it's hard to admit, I'm sure she was looking for attention outside of our marriage. Again, looking back I recognized this, I was just too afraid to say anything for fear she would leave. Well, now that she has left, that fear is no longer in place and it has allowed me to look back on the last few years of our relationship with new eyes. I have done a lot of soul searching and while I still love her, with all of my heart, I am beginning to think that the biggest mistake that she ever made was leaving me and the biggest mistake I ever made was not leaving her earlier.

 

Last week I, for lack of a better term, grew a pair and called her out on her emotional infidelity, bringing to her attention the past emails she had shared with this other guy. I wisely kept them (the emails) just in case. She admitted that she was wrong, but I do not feel that her apology went far enough. Her words may have said sorry but I've seen no actions that say as such. She still maintains that they never meet in person and that she thought he was gay. I simply don't believe her. There was also a time, after a trivia night, that my Dad said he saw her kiss another man. She of course denied this happened and still does to this day. Again, I don't know that I really believe her, I mean, it was my Dad who said he saw her. Why should I believe her over my own father.

 

I told her that I was never going to be mistreated or taken advantage like that ever again, by her or by anyone. I told her that if she wasn't 100% devoted to counseling that I was walking away, that I didn't want to see her. I have no doubt we will always do what is best for our children, but that no where is it written that separated parents have to remain friends. Her response to this was that I was giving her an ultimatum. I don't see it this way at all. As far as I'm concerned, I am making a choice. As much as it hurts, I am choosing to walk away but am leaving the door open, for the moment, if she decides that she wants to take our relationship seriously.

 

Am I wrong? If she is not willing to put forth the same amount of effort into seeing if we can make our relationship work that I am, then why should I sit around and be tortured by having her around. I love her and want to see her but it is torture. Little things absolutely kill me. Her eyes. The way she walks. They way she smells. And dear Lord her cleavage! I'm a breast man, and she knows this. I swear she wears certain outfits simply because she knows I am coming around and she wants to torture me.

 

In this same conversation I told her that she didn't deserve me. It just slipped right out. I regretted saying it for about a second, as her reaction was one of shock, but then it hit me, it's the truth. I was good to her. I took care of her and provided for her. I paid for her schooling and her medical bills (which were in the thousands) and what did I get in return? Heartache. Mistrust.

 

She did tell me that she wants to remain friends, that she still see's me as her best friend. My response to her was a flat, "no". I don't want to be just friends. If I'm not good enough to be your husband, how I am good enough to be your best friend? You don't treat a friend like this. I want a romantic and commetted relationship. I understand the romance part is a little too much right now for her but trust has been broken and if she is not going to focus on us and rebuilding that trust then forget it. She also kept going back to labels. She wasn't ready to be anybodies girlfriend or wife. I told her I didn't care about what we called ourselves I wanted to know if she was willing to be honest and faithful, to mend the trust she had broken. I got no response.

 

Right now my goal is to get all of her stuff out of what was OUR and is now MY house, and dive head first into LC. I have already started in many ways but it is hard when children are involved. I just saw her again today to sign over ownership to her car, as per our separation agreement. She did not have the car for 30 minutes before she traded it in for another one. This boggles my mind. She keeps talking about strapped for cash she is yet when given a car that is completely paid for, she turns it in for another, bigger one that will leave her with a new monthly payment, higher insurance and more money out of her pocket for gas.

 

She also told me a story about how she was out with friends/co-workers and she had a bite of some extra sweet chocolate cake and it gave her an orgasm at the table. Now, I've haven't been here long but I've read enough posts to wrap my head around this situation, I think. Why would she tell me this? She is either trying to manipulate me or she is still interested. Sex was a big issue with us, as she was a victum of sexual abuse as a child and after undergoing a full hysterectomy at a very young age, her hormones were all over the map. So this sexual comment made no sense to me.

 

Am I doing to the right thing? Is LC the best road? Sorry if this is too long. Thank you for your time

[habs53]

Yes get rid of her. She is nothing but a lying cheat and has probably done many other things you dont know about.