Mike830 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Ok, well here's the deal. I've known this girl Stephanie for many many years. We've had a few flings here and there but nothing really got serious. A few months back we got together again and this time we really hit it off but were never a couple. I messed it up tho. I came on way too strong and I was way too pushy. I told her I loved her because I'm almost certain I do but it wasn't the time for it. I just didn't know how to back off at the time. I haven't been in a relationship for a long time and this was magic to me, especially since it was with someone I've known and liked for a long time. I didn't know how to control my emotions and I was doing stupid stuff. Then a few weeks ago she said she was gonna be busy for 2 weeks and I made a huge mistake by pestering her. She told me it was because family was coming into town and that she would be leaving to go to her brother's house for Thanksgiving. The problem is, those are the two weeks that her ex fiancee was coming back into town for leave after being in Afgan. She told me she was going to meet with him because he wanted to talk and she felt that she "owed" him that. She and I both knew what he wanted to talk about. He goes back in a week. She has been hanging out with him lately and she told me she still cared about him. I really messed up by turning to one of her friends for advice. She didn't like that one bit. She told me to not do it again. Unfortunately, I unintentionally did. I posted a quote on Facebook and one of her friends was curious about it. So I told her that it was about Stephanie. I told her how much I missed her. Then she found out and blew up on me. I didn't mean to do it and I admit, it was outrageously stupid of me. I wasn't thinking. She has now told me that she just wants to be friends. Remember, we have known and had feelings for eachother for a long time. I didn't do anything seriously bad, like cheat or yell or anything like that. I was just bothering her and being pushy. Is it over completely between her and I? I want to get her back so bad. She means the world to me. What should I do?! I know I need to lay low for a lil bit and let things die down, then maybe try to initiate contact. But what other advice can you guys/gals give me? Please, anything will help. Tell me what you think is happening and will happen. Good, bad, I want to hear it.
utterer of lies Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 She has now told me that she just wants to be friends. Remember, we have known and had feelings for eachother for a long time. I didn't do anything seriously bad, like cheat or yell or anything like that. I was just bothering her and being pushy. Is it over completely between her and I? I want to get her back so bad. She means the world to me. What should I do?! Leave her alone.
Author Mike830 Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 I plan on doing that for awhile. But I can't just sit back and watch forever. I need to try again. I need to redeem myself. I admit, I messed up. But I didn't mess up so bad that she hates me. She really does mean alot to me and it's hard to let go because of our history together. When I do try again, and I will in the furture, how can I make things different? Obviously I need to not be so pushy but what else should I keep in mind?
xpaperxcutx Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I plan on doing that for awhile. But I can't just sit back and watch forever. I need to try again. I need to redeem myself. I admit, I messed up. But I didn't mess up so bad that she hates me. She really does mean alot to me and it's hard to let go because of our history together. When I do try again, and I will in the furture, how can I make things different? Obviously I need to not be so pushy but what else should I keep in mind? Uh.. moving on? Seriously, women hate it when you try to force the issue. You're just going to make her hate you even more. I had this guy who tried to chase me even after I told him various times I didn't want to date him. He got so annoying to the point where he was continuously contacting me and badgering me online, I had to block his number and block him online. I'm going to forewarn you right now that you're better off finding another girl to date.
John018 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I know I need to lay low for a lil bit and let things die down, then maybe try to initiate contact. But what other advice can you guys/gals give me? Please, anything will help. Tell me what you think is happening and will happen. Good, bad, I want to hear it. For your own sake lay low for a while but wait for HER to initiate contact with you. Don't call her or email. I know it's hard but you need to accept that for now you've blown it. That's doesn't mean it's over for good though. The truth is you're probably low on her list of romantic priorities right now but not out of the frame entirely. Just wait for her to get in touch and then reciprocate. That's doesn't mean if she calls you you should ask her out or tell her how much she means to you. Just show her the same amount of interest she shows you. if she's friendly be friendly. If SHE speaks about your relationship when you speak about it. Over time as you build up something then maybe you could push things. But not too much. The most important thing to remember is that you want to be the guy she was first attracted to. I.e. laid back and fun. Not the pushy guy she dated. Oh and for your own sake date other girls in the meantime. It'll do a lot for your sanity.
Author Mike830 Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Thanks John. Very helpful advice. I appreciate it. Should I send her an email saying that I respect her decision to be friends and wish her the best? We kind of stopped talking on a bad note and I don't want that to be the last thing she hears from me for awhile.
Author Mike830 Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Thanks to everyone actually. I knew that's what I needed to do but I needed to hear it from someone else.
John018 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I appreciate it. Should I send her an email saying that I respect her decision to be friends and wish her the best? No. She knows how you feel about her. The fact is there is nothing you can do to change the way she feels. If she wants her ex more than she wants you then you're screwed no matter what. Contacting her in that case will only make it worse. Can I ask what happened between her and the ex? I.e. how it ended.
Author Mike830 Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 The truth is, I don't know the whole story. I'm curious. What about a friendly text that just says Merry Xmas, hope all is well when the time comes? Or something like that. Or should I just disappear for awhile?
Author Mike830 Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Sorry if I seem hard-headed. I'm not that experienced in the ways of women. She said she still would like to be friends so I wouldn't think a friendly Merry Christmas would do any harm. If she replies back, then that's good for me. It shows she still cares a little bit. If she doesn't, then I know that it's completely over. Am I right? Or should I just go completly no contact and if she wants to talk to me then she will?
John018 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Sorry if I seem hard-headed. I'm not that experienced in the ways of women. She said she still would like to be friends so I wouldn't think a friendly Merry Christmas would do any harm. If she replies back, then that's good for me. It shows she still cares a little bit. If she doesn't, then I know that it's completely over. Am I right? Or should I just go completly no contact and if she wants to talk to me then she will? I didn't mean that you should avoid her completely. When it comes to Christmas or Birthdays or whatever then it's perfectly fine for you to send a friendly text/card. That's just being polite to someone you know. What I meant is that you should avoid any discussion of your relationship unless she brings it up. And whatever you do don't become her friend. That is a sure fire way to get yourself friend-zoned and you don't want that. Be polite - but not a male girlfriend. Seriously, the best thing you can do is see other women. Not only will it get your mind off her but it'll also make you feel better. Remember your chances are slim right now - so start spinning other plates!
tman666 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 (edited) Mike, If you truly want to be friends with her (with no hope of any future romance), then by all means, text her Merry Christmas. Let her know that you hope she's doing well and that you're there if she ever wants to hang out or talk. However, if you want there to be any chance whatsoever that she'll be romantically interested, you have to stop contacting her. You need to go cold shoulder on her and not allow yourself to give even a little tiny crap about her. Don't text her, don't email her, don't be hanging around where she's hanging around, don't ask her friends what she's up to, etc. Right now she knows that she's got you wrapped around her little finger, tensely waiting with your panties all waded up for her to come around. She's got you pinned, brother. The only way for this to turn out well is to go completely cold shoulder on her. If (and possibly when) she does contact you after realizing that you've escaped your shackles, you don't come prancing back to her. No, instead you be gentlemanly, confident, friendly, but still sparsely available. Let HER go the distance this time around to let her intentions be known. You can, of course, hint at what you want, but you cannot remove that barrier until you know that she's willing to try as well. If she chooses to not contact you, then your feelings for her will fade with time. You will meet other nice girls. If you choose to keep bugging her and letting her know that you'll "always be there" and all that crap, it's pretty much guaranteed that you'll end up her emotional tampon. You'll get the privilege of hearing about the guys she's actually having sex with in great detail. You'll get to spend your time listening to her whine and sob about how rough it is with her family and friends and lovers. Your compensation will be a "you're such a great guy". That's it. That's all you get. No growing emotional attachment, no nookie, no romantic feelings; just an affirmation of your status as a good guy. You've got to play this one cool. Edited November 17, 2010 by tman666
Surrealist Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Mike, If you truly want to be friends with her (with no hope of any future romance), then by all means, text her Merry Christmas. Let her know that you hope she's doing well and that you're there if she ever wants to hang out or talk. However, if you want there to be any chance whatsoever that she'll be romantically interested, you have to stop contacting her. You need to go cold shoulder on her and not allow yourself to give even a little tiny crap about her. Don't text her, don't email her, don't be hanging around where she's hanging around, don't ask her friends what she's up to, etc. Right now she knows that she's got you wrapped around her little finger, tensely waiting with your panties all waded up for her to come around. She's got you pinned, brother. The only way for this to turn out well is to go completely cold shoulder on her. If (and possibly when) she does contact you after realizing that you've escaped your shackles, you don't come prancing back to her. No, instead you be gentlemanly, confident, friendly, but still sparsely available. Let HER go the distance this time around to let her intentions be known. You can, of course, hint at what you want, but you cannot remove that barrier until you know that she's willing to try as well. If she chooses to not contact you, then your feelings for her will fade with time. You will meet other nice girls. If you choose to keep bugging her and letting her know that you'll "always be there" and all that crap, it's pretty much guaranteed that you'll end up her emotional tampon. You'll get the privilege of hearing about the guys she's actually having sex with in great detail. You'll get to spend your time listening to her whine and sob about how rough it is with her family and friends and lovers. Your compensation will be a "you're such a great guy". That's it. That's all you get. No growing emotional attachment, no nookie, no romantic feelings; just an affirmation of your status as a good guy. You've got to play this one cool. Mike read this carefully. I was going to mention that if you are fully, completing accepting of the fact that you will not have any romantic relations with this woman, then by all means send the text. But here's the test to yourself. If you KNEW without any doubt or curiosity of any kind that this woman will NEVER be your romantic partner ever, would you still send that text? Or are you entertaining the thought that the text you send may somehow encourage her to like you? Answer yourself this honestly. If for the first reason, then sure go ahead and send. If for the second reason, you need to re-consider, you are doing this merely to get the response you want, which is all wrong, heed tman's advice.
Author Mike830 Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 You're absolutely right Surrealist. Tman, That was an excellent response. I thank you all for the advice you have given. I wanted to post here for a reason. I pretty much knew what I was going to get told but I wanted to hear it in different ways from different people. I'm going through the most difficult time I've ever had with a female and it hurts. Bad. Really bad. But this board and your responses are making it a little bit easier to just let go. Cheers to everyone who replied.
Green Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Yeah you made a lot of mistakes. YOU ALWAYS HOLD BACK ON I LOVE YOU even if it was love at first sight. IF you wait 6 months or whatever and the girl says "I love you" then you can respond with "I love you too and have since the first time I met you"... plus if you are the first to say "I love you" you can bring it out when you need it like if you screwed up and ur girl is mad or sad or whatever. Second DUDE this girl WILL cheat on you with this guy who still wants her (her ex back from a warzone) (he wants to fck and she will feel she owes that to him too) Seriously for me it would be OVER the reason you have done bad with women is because you don't TRYYYYYYYYYY how many women have you honestly asked out in the past year when you were single for all that time (ZERO is my guess) (internet ask outs don't count)
Author Mike830 Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Obviously she's going to do that. Technically, it's not cheating because she told me she just wants to be friends. I respect her for doing that and not bull****ting me about him. And you are right. I haven't asked anyone out besides her. I work 12 hour days then come home and eat and sleep most nights unless I was with her. I'll always have feelings for this woman no matter what she does with someone else and it's because of our history together. And to be honest, I'm sure she will still have something there for me. Even if it's just a little speck of what used to be. Something will always be there. I just need to disappear for awhile. You might say, "No, it's gone." But the truth, you don't know our history and what we've been through.
Green Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Obviously she's going to do that. Technically, it's not cheating because she told me she just wants to be friends. I respect her for doing that and not bull****ting me about him. And you are right. I haven't asked anyone out besides her. I work 12 hour days then come home and eat and sleep most nights unless I was with her. I'll always have feelings for this woman no matter what she does with someone else and it's because of our history together. And to be honest, I'm sure she will still have something there for me. Even if it's just a little speck of what used to be. Something will always be there. I just need to disappear for awhile. You might say, "No, it's gone." But the truth, you don't know our history and what we've been through. I don't need to know your history to have guessed that you hadn't asked out a single girl in all the time you were single. I also can't say I'm suprised you are willing to still want this girl after admiting you know she will be with her ex romanticly. Your history is why she will never be with you not why she will... history repeats itself remember that... she will always leave you Move on and ASK OUT other women... u'll see how easy it is
Author Mike830 Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 I'm doing alot better accepting the fact that she's gone for now. I must admit... that I hope one day she returns. The intital pain has subsided dramatically put I don't think I'll ever be able to forget all the nights we spent together. I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I'm going to go out and progress with my life.
Green Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I'm doing alot better accepting the fact that she's gone for now. I must admit... that I hope one day she returns. The intital pain has subsided dramatically put I don't think I'll ever be able to forget all the nights we spent together. I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I'm going to go out and progress with my life. You don't have to forget the good times, but for now while this is all still fresh I'd advise you to just not think about her. Get her of your phone, fb, whatever. After some more time has passed like a month or two you will feel a lot better. If I were you I wouldn't go back to her or be friends (you want more then friends). I know you work 12 hour days but you must get some free time to go to the mall or do your grocery shopping... you can ASK WOMEN OUT then. Good luck
sanskrit Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I'm not sure that this is a case of your mistakes killing you here, but rather her not being truly available and still having something for the ex. If she really valued you, she would not be meeting the ex, and she would not be making a great big deal about you talking to her friends especially in light of how long you have known each other and if you know the friends in your own right (but never ever do that again in any type of relationship, same for family). "Owes him that" my ass. If it's any consolation, sometimes things were going to flop no matter what you do, just don't repeat mistakes that you have accurately identified. Would move on entirely as opposed to any holiday greetings and try to cultivate other prospects before then to share those kinds of thoughts with. She knows where to find you.
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