Feeling really bad

[heartbrokengal]

Hi this is my first post, though I feel blessed to have found a site like this. I would just like some advice or maybe even to vent. It's been about 3 months since my breakup. It was my first relationship with another woman. While we were together it was seriously one of the happiest times of my life and was the first time I fell in love. Everyone talked about what a great couple we were and we had a great connection.

 

Well I had issues being in the closet and this being my first lesbian relationship, dealing with insecurities. The break up was my fault as I told a huge lie for months. She was really upset and I think I hurt her. I've apologized and made contact with her.....though it's been almost a month since we've last talked. This is because I saw her account and found out she was talking to one of her friends about me saying she couldln't believe things I did and sent to her. I just sent a couple ecards and mixed cd with love/sorry songs. I will add the last time I tried talking to her she also still seemed somewhat upset

 

This kind of brings me up to my current situation. I've been feeling so many negative emotions. I feel guilty because the break up was my fault. I feel angry at myself for messing up, for not being honest, or an action that makes me seem like I'm a bad person though I'm not. I miss her so much and wonder if she's already dating someone else. I would like to at least be friends but I'm not sure if I have the nerve to talk to her. She is even now friends with one of My ex friends who also had a crush on me and that hurts. I know there is Nothing romantic between them but man-this was the 'friend' I went and talked to about our relationship with so I'm certain she's spilled the beans on things I've told her. I've been feeling so depressed to the point of thinking about suicide or wanting to cut myself.

 

I'd just appreciate any advice, thoughts, or words from ppl who can somehow relate.

Edited November 11, 2010 by heartbrokengal

[rebeccajones]

Try not to blame yourself, sounds like you had alot to deal with and it was not easy for you. Try to take a step back, it was one relationship, if this girl was the one then she would try to understand your reasons for lying and she would appreciate the ecards and mixed cd. She sounds uncaring in a way. Love yourself, you don't NEED her to love you, there will be someone else. Maybe you could talk to a therapist? That always helps and try to stay positive and do the things that make you happy, think of your dreams and goals. Don't live your life for her and don't think that there is no one else, there are others that you will fall in love with!!

[heartbrokengal]

Thanks so much for your response! You are right I have been through a lot and if she really did care for me or at least want me back she would listen and appreciate me doing those things for her. Sometimes it just helps to have a different perspective. I really love her and it hurts so much but I have to be strong. I'm going to try to contact her once more though before I completely give up and decide to move on.

[cerridwen]

What bothers me most about your post is that you admit you were having issues with being in/coming out of the closet. I'm assuming your lies stemmed from this? If that's the case, it's irksome to me that she isn't more understanding. In fact, that she isn't being more understanding as a whole is upsetting! Admitting to others that one is gay can't be easy. It's life-altering! I don't know your exact lie but assuming it wasn't malicious and cruel and stemmed from your insecurities, I think you deserve more compassion. Do you care to share more about what you lied about?

 

Please put aside any ideas of suicide. You sound like SUCH a nice person, we need good guys like you in the world

That you spent the time to create a CD and choose e-cards for her was very thoughtful. It shows you have a tender heart and are remorseful. Far too many people are callous and when they do something wrong will neither admit to it or do anything to rectify it. You're not a bad person Heartbrokengal. You made a mistake and some of the most wonderful people on earth have also.

Edited November 13, 2010 by cerridwen

[cozenedindigo]

I agree with cerridwen. How can a relationship that ends with a misstep or two be worth saving? Isn't it about getting through it all together, especially BECAUSE you are obviously the kind of person that one can get through things with. Don't beat yourself up about something SHE is refusing to see past. And don't try to make her see it if she doesn't want to. You're a good person, and like every human being, you made a mistake because you were going through certain things. That does not make you dispensable.

[heartbrokengal]

Well I’m very remorseful and ashamed of my behavior. What I did is really bad and I think anyone in her shoes would be understandably upset. Awhile back I was browsing the net for lgbt resources and came across a site that was like a myspace but for lesbians. It’s not a dating site though some of the women use it that way. That was not my intentions nor was I planning to fall for someone or stay on the site for a long period of time. I just wanted to check it out, so I used a pic of a girl that looks somewhat like me, but it wasn’t me! That is my Huge mistake in all of this. I was on the site for a little while before I met and started talking to her and before I knew it as crazy as it sounds I fell for her. I guess I waited too long to show her my real pic, maybe like a month? That was probably an even Bigger mistake!

 

When I did she was so upset and asked for more pics. The next day she deleted me as a friend. I tried talking to her in instant chat and she told me to f-off, that she knew it wasn’t me the whole time. So that’s when I did send her actual pictures of me, cards and things apologizing and trying to explain my situation to her but still no response. I think it is especially hard for her to relate/understand because she lives in a larger city and has been out for over 10 years. Plus she is very outgoing and open with her sexuality while I am generally shy. Before this happened I talked to her about my agony of coming out and she was like it’s not like you’re the only one that has to come out and told me she came out at the age of 10. I plan on trying to reach out/contact her one last time. I told her I would contact her again though I wasn’t sure when. I guess I’ve been putting it off because I’m scared of her reaction/response and know it can deeply hurt me if it goes negatively and at this point that there’s pretty much nothing else I can do.

 

I am not a terrible person, I just did a terrible thing. Either way I have learned my lesson even if I had to learn it the hard way. I am still too dependent on my parents, live in a small town conservative and just not comfortable quite yet with my sexuality and being out which is pretty much why I used someone eles’s pic. It’s been a heck of a year….I guess the irony is my parents Did actually find out I was on the site so I had to face explaining and coming out to them though it was not the most opportune time and have had to face the repercussions of that on my own. I come from an extremely religious background as my father is a minister and so I know all to well their stance on my ‘lifestyle’. I’m honestly just having a hard time letting go of someone who is so amazing, beautiful, and special to me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Idk at the very least I would like to be friends with this girl or somehow end our relationship on a positive enough note so that I know she doesn’t hate me. It’s all complicated drama! Perhaps at this point she doesn't have the desire or feel the relationship is worth salvaging

Edited November 14, 2010 by heartbrokengal

[cerridwen]

What you did isn't uncommon.

I personally know 2 people who did the exact thing you did. They used pictures not their own when meeting people online. They both did it 1) to protect their real identities from family or friends 2) because they didn't expect to meet anyone seriously 3) because it's the INTERNET! You don't know who is trolling around out there.

 

One friend fell for the guy she was talking to and after two YEARS finally told him the truth. He was devastated. They dated for another year but he never forgave her fully so they broke up. The other friend told the guy after a couple of months and he was mad at first but then understood. It took him a week to get over the feeling of betrayal but he did it.

 

If you've already apologized and explained why you did it, give this girl time to calm down (a month at least) and wait and see if she contacts you. In the meantime, work at NC and at forgiving yourself for this. IMO she's over reacting and needs to look at it from your viewpoint. If she can't and continues to do things like telling you to eff off, she's a jerk and good riddance.

[heartbrokengal]

My concern is she can be quite passionate and once told me a lot of things make her angry. She also seems like the type of person that may hold a grudge. She is a wonderful, cool girl but at times she can be kind of hard to read and not quite as sensitive as Id like but I do love her! Thanks for your response, I will definitely follow your advice

[sedgwick]

Wait, so did you ever actually meet her in person, or was she just someone you chatted with online?

[heartbrokengal]

No, only online. The whole situation has only been a few months but for some reason it seems longer especially talking several hours a day. We were planning on a meetup though.

 

For an update I got a text from her about an hour ago. She said she misses me, wants to know how I'm doing and that we should talk and asked for me to give her a call sometime. I'm not sure what to do and don't want to get my hopes up though I must admit it was great to hear from her