WHY do they break NC ?

[East7]

NC break has been treated as part of some posts in each individual experience, but I would like to summarize the topic as the reasons Why do they break NC, are ALL the same.

 

All contributions are welcome

 

In 99% of cases actually NC break is not because they want us back, not because they are divorcing and coming with a plan.

 

A - Need to check if you are there. Plain curiosity.

 

NC creates a void and they wonder what we are doing, how we are feeling, a kind of unhealthy curiosity. Their motivation for contact is nothing else but making a check of the situation : are we hurting or are we happy going out and having fun ?

 

B - Need to validate that we still love them.

Many of Ex-es come with nice words "I still love you-s, I miss you-s". Despite the fact that sometimes it is true in a lower degree, that is merely a kind of TEST to expect the same answer, to VALIDATE that we still are longing for them - to validate that we can still be a back-up plan.

BTW, "I love you-s " without actions means nothing but it impact us deeply.

 

C - Guilt.

 

Whatever we might think they always feel guilty for dumping. They would say "Are you ok? Just wanted to check you are doing well." (I had this kind of message at the very first days of NC)

While it sounds nice that they care about us, it doesn't mean anything else than guilt. Guilt is not love ! They do it for themselves not for compassion ! All they do is to ease their conscience from that weight of having hurt someone.

 

D - When positive response, they withdraw

 

This is related to -B-. I have noticed in my own experience and other posts that : if we positively answer "I love you too" they strangely withdraw and become much less lovely. Why? Because (B) they tested us and had positive feedback, no more challenge needed, they know we are there wanting them. This is the best way to rub it in to our feelings, because it causes deceit and ruins all the work done with NC. It also confirms that their goal was not resuming anything.

 

E - "Let's be friends" trap - Another way of being under their wings.

 

For having experienced this, "let's be friends" is a typical cake-eater proposal. I was like WTF, how can we be friends ? She said: because I want you in my life, we can't be lovers and I don't want to ruin our friendship.

I realized that this was like offering some crumbs for not being able to offer the main dish. Motivated by guilt © it is a way to offer a second-class seat in the plane, among other wussy Ex-es that accepted to become "friends". Actually accepting it is a huge self-denial and the best way for them to loose any bit of respect they still have for us. It's accepting to be under their wings no matter how they treat us.

 

F - Coming back and forth breaking NC = They don't know what they want.

 

In my experience, mixed signals is always a Red Flag. When we are sure about our feelings we have consistency, we know what we want and stick with it.

At best, they don't know what they want, they want both BS and us. At worst, it summarizes all points here above : A-E. This is a HUGE time waste, because each time they come back and forth without offering much else than "Hello, how are you doing" it keeps nurturing false hopes, preventing us to move on.

[myname]

These all sound so spot on to me, thanks for this, I'll remember these if MM does break the no contact I initiated so that I don't respond and allow myself to go through all the pain and anger again.

[WTFBBQ]

G- Because they can.

[lexystar]

great advice, thanks!

[East7]

G- Because they can.

 

Interesting. Thanks.

[Spark1111]

Great Post East7!

 

I'd like to add:

 

H - All of the above.

 

Once their ego has been boosted that you are still pining for them and their guilt assuaged that you are doing okay, they have gotten all they needed.

 

Nothing about YOU the person, and your needs. It's all about them.

[SoleMate]

What I said.

[MorningCoffee]

I - They felt a passing tinge of nostalgia for how you used to make them feel and they'd like a "fix."

 

It's all about them.

[silverplanets]

Because there is no negative consequence to them doing so.

 

An instant attention fix/pick me up/validation/distraction with no negative consequence ... it's a win-win for them.

 

Forward all contact to their other half and watch their actions change as they balance action against consequence.

 

[jwi71]

J - You allowed him/her the means to contact you.

 

NC isn't "No contact initiated by me"...its no contact period.

You can only control you not others. However, you CAN cut off avenues of approach.

And if you find yourself saying "Im not ready to do that yet" then I must ask...why bother calling it NC when you ALLOW them to contact you? This is how NC fails...you are using it as punishment or a "game" not as the end of the A.

[East7]

What I said.

 

Thanks

 

I - They felt a passing tinge of nostalgia for how you used to make them feel and they'd like a "fix."

 

It's all about them.

 

Nostalgia yes ! Good point. Especially when nothing has changed in their M, sweet nostalgia of "old times" passion and thrill.

 

Because there is no negative consequence to them doing so.

 

An instant attention fix/pick me up/validation/distraction with no negative consequence ... it's a win-win for them.

 

Forward all contact to their other half and watch their actions change as they balance action against consequence.

 

 

Thanks Chris, you are one of my favorite posters.

 

Yes, breaking NC, no negative consequence to them as it. Just say "Hello, are you still alive?" doesn't commit them to anything new.

 

Forwarding all to BS. Good idea! Especially if they claim to make their M work. I don't know what's worse, cheating and getting forgiveness or recidivism ?

 

I would also add, breaking the NC is much easier when there is no D-day as everything was buried in silence (I hate this!)

"Im still bored with my BS, would you come back please"

[East7]

J - You allowed him/her the means to contact you.

 

NC isn't "No contact initiated by me"...its no contact period.

You can only control you not others. However, you CAN cut off avenues of approach.

And if you find yourself saying "Im not ready to do that yet" then I must ask...why bother calling it NC when you ALLOW them to contact you? This is how NC fails...you are using it as punishment or a "game" not as the end of the A.

 

 

NC initiated by me means that I can CONTROL whether I want to answer or not. I have the OPTION. It's my responsability if I want to resume contact or stay NC.

 

But of course, anyone has the possibility to cutting off someone COMPLETELY. Its a personal choice.

 

The topic is WHY they do it, what are their motivations ? Not how they do it.

Edited November 10, 2010 by East7

[YellowShark]

The topic is WHY they do it, what are their motivations ? Not how they do it.

 

Most MM/MW who cheat are motivated to break NC because they use other people to stroke their egos. They are "insulted" that their affair partner has the audacity - (and strength) - to reject them. I mean really... how *dare* they do that!

[ladydesigner]

NC break has been treated as part of some posts in each individual experience, but I would like to summarize the topic as the reasons Why do they break NC, are ALL the same.

 

All contributions are welcome

 

In 99% of cases actually NC break is not because they want us back, not because they are divorcing and coming with a plan.

 

A - Need to check if you are there. Plain curiosity.

 

NC creates a void and they wonder what we are doing, how we are feeling, a kind of unhealthy curiosity. Their motivation for contact is nothing else but making a check of the situation : are we hurting or are we happy going out and having fun ?

 

B - Need to validate that we still love them.

Many of Ex-es come with nice words "I still love you-s, I miss you-s". Despite the fact that sometimes it is true in a lower degree, that is merely a kind of TEST to expect the same answer, to VALIDATE that we still are longing for them - to validate that we can still be a back-up plan.

BTW, "I love you-s " without actions means nothing but it impact us deeply.

 

C - Guilt.

 

Whatever we might think they always feel guilty for dumping. They would say "Are you ok? Just wanted to check you are doing well." (I had this kind of message at the very first days of NC)

While it sounds nice that they care about us, it doesn't mean anything else than guilt. Guilt is not love ! They do it for themselves not for compassion ! All they do is to ease their conscience from that weight of having hurt someone.

 

D - When positive response, they withdraw

 

This is related to -B-. I have noticed in my own experience and other posts that : if we positively answer "I love you too" they strangely withdraw and become much less lovely. Why? Because (B) they tested us and had positive feedback, no more challenge needed, they know we are there wanting them. This is the best way to rub it in to our feelings, because it causes deceit and ruins all the work done with NC. It also confirms that their goal was not resuming anything.

 

E - "Let's be friends" trap - Another way of being under their wings.

 

For having experienced this, "let's be friends" is a typical cake-eater proposal. I was like WTF, how can we be friends ? She said: because I want you in my life, we can't be lovers and I don't want to ruin our friendship.

I realized that this was like offering some crumbs for not being able to offer the main dish. Motivated by guilt © it is a way to offer a second-class seat in the plane, among other wussy Ex-es that accepted to become "friends". Actually accepting it is a huge self-denial and the best way for them to loose any bit of respect they still have for us. It's accepting to be under their wings no matter how they treat us.

 

F - Coming back and forth breaking NC = They don't know what they want.

 

In my experience, mixed signals is always a Red Flag. When we are sure about our feelings we have consistency, we know what we want and stick with it.

At best, they don't know what they want, they want both BS and us. At worst, it summarizes all points here above : A-E. This is a HUGE time waste, because each time they come back and forth without offering much else than "Hello, how are you doing" it keeps nurturing false hopes, preventing us to move on.

 

I love this thread! I agree this should be a sticky. I am the WS/MOW, but my XOM kept contacting me under the pretense of "just friends" at first I really thought I could do this because we were friends first. Nope I still thought about him and hurt with every email. My XOM had a significant other but might as well have been married.

 

Anyways great post! NC has been the only way for me to heal.

[2sure]

From the other side...a WS who continues cheating after D-Day.

My ex begged, signed legal documents, cried, went to MC...etc and still went and did it again.

 

They want both or at least they want to know they have an option. At some point both BS and OW have to realize the problem has nothing to do with them or their relationship personally. You have to say to yourself..this "problem" has nothing to do with me, its not mine. I dont have to figure this out.

[Confused4Now]

Most MM/MW who cheat are motivated to break NC because they use other people to stroke their egos. They are "insulted" that their affair partner has the audacity - (and strength) - to reject them. I mean really... how *dare* they do that!

OMG:laugh::laugh:

That is so hilarious..isn't that the freakin truth!!! Amazing just amazing!!!

[jwi71]

NC initiated by me means that I can CONTROL whether I want to answer or not. I have the OPTION. It's my responsability if I want to resume contact or stay NC.

 

Ok...just a bit confused about NC when there is, in fact, contact.

I would, in my vocabulary, call it LC or "a game".

But, as you point out further in your post...that isn't the point of your thread

 

The topic is WHY they do it, what are their motivations ? Not how they do it.

 

The ONLY way to know WHY a person does "anything" is to ask them directly.

[siuys]

Great post and so true! If xMM ever breaks contact, I will re-read this post and tell myself it doesn't mean ****.

[East7]

From the other side...a WS who continues cheating after D-Day.

My ex begged, signed legal documents, cried, went to MC...etc and still went and did it again.

 

They want both or at least they want to know they have an option. At some point both BS and OW have to realize the problem has nothing to do with them or their relationship personally. You have to say to yourself..this "problem" has nothing to do with me, its not mine. I dont have to figure this out.

 

Good point. INDECISION is not only during the A but sometimes beyond the D-day, even beyond resuming contact. My xMW complained that I was pushing her to make a choice between "two different things, two different persons that have a different place in her life". Each situation is different, but what's typical is the fact that they think about themseleves first, not about the BS or the OM/OW. They want both, but sometimes they end up losing both. I'm not sure I would want my xMW back.

 

Ok...just a bit confused about NC when there is, in fact, contact.

I would, in my vocabulary, call it LC or "a game".

But, as you point out further in your post...that isn't the point of your thread

 

 

In my book, NC is not like a person is dead to me. I told her "I'm done being a lover. Now if you want to talk with me go get a D and we can talk again. If you want to make your M work fine, but then don't come to talk to me". NC was a way to tell : It's ALL or Nothing. It is a way to put them in front of their responsibility and respecting oneself. BTW I guess all the BS agree with this

 

The ONLY way to know WHY a person does "anything" is to ask them directly.

 

Right! That's why NC is made to FILTER the information being received.

- Hello how r u doing?

- Hi Hun, what's up? Are you divorced ?

Edited November 10, 2010 by East7

[silverplanets]

Thanks

 

 

 

Nostalgia yes ! Good point. Especially when nothing has changed in their M, sweet nostalgia of "old times" passion and thrill.

 

 

 

Thanks Chris, you are one of my favorite posters.

 

Yes, breaking NC, no negative consequence to them as it. Just say "Hello, are you still alive?" doesn't commit them to anything new.

 

Forwarding all to BS. Good idea! Especially if they claim to make their M work. I don't know what's worse, cheating and getting forgiveness or recidivism ?

 

I would also add, breaking the NC is much easier when there is no D-day as everything was buried in silence (I hate this!)

"Im still bored with my BS, would you come back please"

 

Thanks E7 ...

 

Actually, mulling on this one, it seems to me that underneath all these reasons there is one really sobering one ....

 

Because they don't actually care about you.

 

 

Anyone who does, deep down, care intrinsically about someone does not do anything that drags them back into an unhealthy place for them

 

No I know that it can be argued that they don't realise that it's bad for you to get sucked back in and that it's not the best thing for you. But in the end that's just saying that they're not willing to put themselves in your shoes and consider what might be best for you before they act. So not even the decency to stop and say "ok this is MY need, but what is best for x" ....

 

and what, imho, is stopping and thinking about what someone else's needs or best interest might be ... well to me, that's what i call caring.

 

Hence my view that, the real fundamental issue of someone chasing you (no matter what their need) and hooking you back into an unhealthy situation is that they are simply evidencing that they don't fundamentally care about that person that is you.

 

(of course, we know that anyway, because if they did then they'd quietly sort out their lives and become free to be a true part of yours)

 

... another sobering thought is that if they don't truly care for you and your best interests right at the start of the relationship then why on earth would they do so at any future time in the relationship ....

 

be safe

[shayan]

they left, who cares.

 

They can't contact you anyways if you're no longer around to be contacted (and I mean this mentally and emotionally).

[jwi71]

In my book, NC is not like a person is dead to me.

 

Fair enough. I, in my world, believe that once a decision has been made to end the R...its over and there is nothing left to salvage or discuss - because its over. For me, the lingering contact simply retards mourning and healing.

 

I told her "I'm done being a lover. Now if you want to talk with me go get a D and we can talk again.

 

This tells me the OM/OW ISN'T done. It says you want more and she is deciding to NOT give it. So, you keep in contact in the hopes she runs to you. Its the hope and pain of most OW. I use the word "you" in the generic sense here.

 

If you want to make your M work fine, but then don't come to talk to me". NC was a way to tell : It's ALL or Nothing.

 

I'd agree. But continuing the contact after X amount of time is pointless. How many weeks or months or years must pass before the AP decides enough waiting. And I would say energy spent "waiting" inhibits one's ability to truly heal and connect with another.

 

It is a way to put them in front of their responsibility and respecting oneself.

 

We're going to agree to disagree. Because I think "waiting" and asking the MM/MW if they are D is NOT self respect. But I do see the aspect of control - IF that person is actively and healthily dating others. And again, we fold back to what I say above...the "waiting" (or being available to the MM/MW) retards healing and the formation of healthy emotional bonds. And we get OM/OW "stuck".

 

 

BTW I guess all the BS agree with this

 

Lost me...what does that have to do with anything?

 

 

Right! That's why NC is made to FILTER the information being received.

- Hello how r u doing?

- Hi Hun, what's up? Are you divorced ?

 

But you aren't filtering. You are still answering. Its impossible to filter the message for YOURSELF. Another would have to read the email or take the call and they decide whether or not to pass the info on to you. Otherwise...its CONTACT. Not seeing what has changed save that the AP doesn't initiate.

 

And, if you are saying "Hun"....

 

Again, not specifically directed at you - but I think you are smart enough to understand where I'm going with it...

[East7]

 

This tells me the OM/OW ISN'T done. It says you want more and she is deciding to NOT give it. So, you keep in contact in the hopes she runs to you. Its the hope and pain of most OW. I use the word "you" in the generic sense here.

 

This should tell you that "I'm done and if you want to resume something it is CONDITIONAL. "

 

I'd agree. But continuing the contact after X amount of time is pointless. How many weeks or months or years must pass before the AP decides enough waiting. And I would say energy spent "waiting" inhibits one's ability to truly heal and connect with another.

 

We're going to agree to disagree. Because I think "waiting" and asking the MM/MW if they are D is NOT self respect. But I do see the aspect of control - IF that person is actively and healthily dating others. And again, we fold back to what I say above...the "waiting" (or being available to the MM/MW) retards healing and the formation of healthy emotional bonds. And we get OM/OW "stuck".

NC doesn't mean waiting ! NC means living life for yourself. NC means "If you want to have a chance to get me back, get yourself free, get a divorce, and I'll see if I'm available for you". It's taking back the power. They were the challenge so far, now it is the person who initiates the NC that becomes a challenge.

[jthorne]

A challenge? Hmm, interesting. I've always considered my H someone worthy of respect. I've never considered him a game or a challenge.

[Spark1111]

Thanks E7 ...

 

Actually, mulling on this one, it seems to me that underneath all these reasons there is one really sobering one ....

 

Because they don't actually care about you.

 

 

Anyone who does, deep down, care intrinsically about someone does not do anything that drags them back into an unhealthy place for them

 

No I know that it can be argued that they don't realise that it's bad for you to get sucked back in and that it's not the best thing for you. But in the end that's just saying that they're not willing to put themselves in your shoes and consider what might be best for you before they act. So not even the decency to stop and say "ok this is MY need, but what is best for x" ....

 

and what, imho, is stopping and thinking about what someone else's needs or best interest might be ... well to me, that's what i call caring.

 

Hence my view that, the real fundamental issue of someone chasing you (no matter what their need) and hooking you back into an unhealthy situation is that they are simply evidencing that they don't fundamentally care about that person that is you.

 

(of course, we know that anyway, because if they did then they'd quietly sort out their lives and become free to be a true part of yours)

 

... another sobering thought is that if they don't truly care for you and your best interests right at the start of the relationship then why on earth would they do so at any future time in the relationship ....

 

be safe

 

Bingo! Love is NOT selfish! You get it, you really do!

 

Love is empowering another to be the best, healthiest, happiest they possibly can be, regardless of how we miss them fulfilling our needs, if in the course of doing so, it hurts them or hinders their growth.