eerie_reverie Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) I've really outdone myself this time. Sitting in Jack's office at 8 am on Friday, that was all I could think. Eric, dressed as Big Bird, was beside me. Jack laughed at his costume, then turned to me, twisting the look of terror that appears on his face when sees me into a half-smile. "What are you supposed to be?" he asked. "A hungover actuary," I replied, without cracking a smile. Eric chuckled nervously. ___ It all started on Tuesday. I'd stayed up all night baking an exquisite fruitcake for Jack's 30th bday - I like to use the occasion of office celebrations to pretend I'm trying out for the role of his wife. I was pretty exhausted. I was just gonna have a few beers in my kitchen, do my rounds on the facebook, and go to sleep. I checked Dave's profile first (no updates), then snooped on a couple of friends. I thought I'd save Jack's for last. I was sure he had gotten a ton of birthday wishes for me to go through. He sure is popular for a shy guy. I was 3 pages in before I saw it: a comment from a girl. "Congratulations!" it said, followed by another: "I was so surprised when I got your wedding card in the mail, I thought it couldn't be true! Congratulations!" This confirmed the gut-wrenching suspicion I've been having for months about him and the bimbo he's been obsessed with for 6 years who's recently broken up with her long-term bf. Call it female intuition or having a really good network of spies around all the lunch hot spots in the vicinity of our office or whatever, but I'd just KNOWN something was up between those two. I poured myself a glass of vodka and proceeded to text my friends. "Jack is getting married to Dawn!" I wrote. Eric texted back, "Need a drink?" "Yes." Eric's on my team and sits behind me at work. Lauren is one of my closest friends, and sits 10 feet away. I knew they were sort of involved - not dating, but messing around. He wanted a relationship with her, but she rejected him. The roles have been reversed countless times, with Lauren going out with my exes, and I never cared. So while I realized a normal healthy person wouldn't be doing it, I didn't think going out with him would be that big a deal, where my relationship was Lauren was concerned. As I expected, the drink led to 12 more, a surprising confession from Eric regarding his "fluid" sexuality, and my sleeping over to help turn him straight out of the Christian goodness of my heart. What I did not expect was for Lauren to be SO pissed off at us the next day. She'd recognized the clothes I was wearing as the same ones I had on the day before, and demanded to know what was up. The only thing you could hear in our office that day was the buzz of incoming texts, as she grilled us for the details of our sordid liaison. You could hang an axe in the tension that day... ___ At some point I cracked and decided that while I was ruining all of my friendships, I might as well destroy my career. I needed to know, once and for all, if Jack liked me. The speculation was killing me. Was he getting married to Dawn because he'd lost hope??? I led him to a private room. He sat down, looking weary. "I think I already know what you're gonna say," I began, "but it would really help me move on if you could answer this question. He raised an eyebrow. "Can you please let me know explicitly whether or not you are interested?" "Wow, really?" he said. He didn't seem flattered. This wasn't going so well. "You like me? Still?" I nodded. "If it would have helped, I could have answered your question years ago. I have never been interested. In the past, the present, or future." I tried not to cry. "I hope that helps," he said. "Thanks." Edited October 31, 2010 by eerie_reverie
OceanGirl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Wow, your writing is incredible Do you think you will still be able to work for him after all this?
sanskrit Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Smelling an actuary reality series in the making. The commercials could tout, "What could be more boring than an office full of actuaries? but wait! No one told -these- actuaries that! Tune in for the premiere of 'Sizzling by the Numbers' this Tuesday!"
Author eerie_reverie Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Wow, your writing is incredible Do you think you will still be able to work for him after all this? I don't know, I'm kind of in a state of shock after all this. It might be time to move on. I definitely crossed some lines last week. I creeped the s!ht out of Jack for the first time; and even though I've hooked up with co-workers before, none of them were in my division like Eric, or dating other people in my division. It just might be too awkward for me to stay. Oddly enough, since my "confession" Jack has been reassuring me how much he LOVES my work, my communication, intelligence, blah blah blah, so I don't think I am going to get fired, but still, I don't know if things can ever be the same. I'm disturbed by how delusional I apparently am. I was CONVINCED that the feelings were mutual for THREE YEARS. I've had a pattern of harboring long-term unrequited fantasies since childhood, but this takes the cake. I want to explore what is wrong with me that makes me do this.
Author eerie_reverie Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Smelling an actuary reality series in the making. The commercials could tout, "What could be more boring than an office full of actuaries? but wait! No one told -these- actuaries that! Tune in for the premiere of 'Sizzling by the Numbers' this Tuesday!" Seriously! Our office drama is worse than anything I've seen on TV.
sanskrit Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I want to explore what is wrong with me that makes me do this. Probably nothing, we have all done this from time to time in life. The key is to learn to stick your neck out early and put your cards on the table so you can get your answer quickly.
Titania22 Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Don't beat your self up, ok. You were very brave bringing everything out into the open the way that you did. And that you know, something new can come into your life. I feel that you can probably expect the unexpected over the next few weeks. This is a really exciting time in your life, and probably lots of changes are about to happen. Good for you to put yourself out there and risk everything.
OceanGirl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I'm disturbed by how delusional I apparently am. I was CONVINCED that the feelings were mutual for THREE YEARS. I've had a pattern of harboring long-term unrequited fantasies since childhood, but this takes the cake. I want to explore what is wrong with me that makes me do this. Well, for what it's worth I am delusional too. I have been convinced that my boss had feelings for me for years but all that time he was actually obsessed with another woman (the horrible biatch from hell that is 10 years older than him and married). I have always been prone to fantasy crushes too. The good news is, after that looong term episode, something in me snapped. I don't think that I am capable of developing another unrequited crush any longer. There were a couple of man that I met since (a bisexual but really gay guy in my group of friends that I was super attracted to and another married co-worker who I would date in a second if he was single). They have both shown some interest (according to my perception anyway). Yet, I failed to develop intense longings or even fantasize about either of these men. So in a long winded way I am trying to say that this may in fact cure you. I do think that it would be better for you to find another job. Seeing Jack on daily basis and seeing him get married etc will only keep bringing you down.
Author eerie_reverie Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Well, for what it's worth I am delusional too. I have been convinced that my boss had feelings for me for years but all that time he was actually obsessed with another woman (the horrible biatch from hell that is 10 years older than him and married). I have always been prone to fantasy crushes too. The good news is, after that looong term episode, something in me snapped. I don't think that I am capable of developing another unrequited crush any longer. There were a couple of man that I met since (a bisexual but really gay guy in my group of friends that I was super attracted to and another married co-worker who I would date in a second if he was single). They have both shown some interest (according to my perception anyway). Yet, I failed to develop intense longings or even fantasize about either of these men. So in a long winded way I am trying to say that this may in fact cure you. I do think that it would be better for you to find another job. Seeing Jack on daily basis and seeing him get married etc will only keep bringing you down. Thanks. I HOPE something snapped inside me as well but I think only time will tell about that. It would be incredibly painful to watch him going through the steps of getting married and possibly having children soon thereafter. Incidentally, the girl he's getting married to could not be more different from me - this chick is like a strutting parody of "dumb blonde". This kind of makes me feel better, but also makes me question whether the qualities I value in myself (intelligence, intensity, work ethic) are of any value at all romantically. Anyway, I agree that I probably need to find another job. Going a step further, I am probably going to move out of this city altogether. Aside from my job and all the friendships I've ruined, there is nothing holding me here.
sanskrit Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Why would you want some guy who has so little substance as to marry someone like that? I know the heart wants what it wants but shake yourself out of it.
Surrealist Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Thanks. I HOPE something snapped inside me as well but I think only time will tell about that. It would be incredibly painful to watch him going through the steps of getting married and possibly having children soon thereafter. Incidentally, the girl he's getting married to could not be more different from me - this chick is like a strutting parody of "dumb blonde". This kind of makes me feel better, but also makes me question whether the qualities I value in myself (intelligence, intensity, work ethic) are of any value at all romantically. Anyway, I agree that I probably need to find another job. Going a step further, I am probably going to move out of this city altogether. Aside from my job and all the friendships I've ruined, there is nothing holding me here. It is pretty confusing, especially when you are exhibiting those qualities that you'd think a guy would appreciate. Don't worry a few of us guys go through similar unrequited love events in life. I had one a few years back but it was determining whether the interest was there or not - I didn't try until WAAAAY too late, I had already done the damage (long story). Were there any noticeable signs he was displaying to you that could be interpreted a signs of interest???
Author eerie_reverie Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Why would you want some guy who has so little substance as to marry someone like that? I know the heart wants what it wants but shake yourself out of it. I guess I'm not looking for "substance," whatever that is. I am just looking for someone who would never considering leaving me. Jack has the kind of personality that would have made that possible (had he been into me rather than the bimbo blonde girl). I know he's never going to leave her.
OceanGirl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I think that it's great that you were brave enough to ask him again, just to be 100% clear. He was probably heavily crushing on her at the time he met you, so even though he was single he was most likely emotionally unavailable.
OceanGirl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I have a question: if you could trade places with her on the condition that you become her would you do it? I mean forgo your looks, intelligence and talents and become the exact clone of this woman just so you could have Jack.
Author eerie_reverie Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 I have a question: if you could trade places with her on the condition that you become her would you do it? I mean forgo your looks, intelligence and talents and become the exact clone of this woman just so you could have Jack. No. Hahahahahaha. She is really awful. That's why I don't feel too bad about the situation. Actually the part of all this I feel WORST about is hooking up with Eric and hurting Lauren in the process. It was SO something I'd do... the compulsive destructive part of me I was hoping was dead.
Star Gazer Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Seriously! Our office drama is worse than anything I've seen on TV. No it's not. You're creating all that drama for yourself, Spook. It's not coming from these people.
Author eerie_reverie Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 No it's not. You're creating all that drama for yourself, Spook. It's not coming from these people. Ugh. I never looked at it that way, but that's a strong possibility. I DO tend to be the instigator on almost every occasion. Even when I'm not directly involved, I am the one setting up happy hours, making people take too many shots, and encouraging everyone to sleep with each other. Our office was boring as s!ht before I came along. For the first 3 months I was there no one talked to each other at all.
Surrealist Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I'm still interested as to what signals he displayed, if any, that you mistakenly interpreted as signs of interest?
Star Gazer Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Ugh. I never looked at it that way, but that's a strong possibility. I DO tend to be the instigator on almost every occasion. Even when I'm not directly involved, I am the one setting up happy hours, making people take too many shots, and encouraging everyone to sleep with each other. I'm surprised you haven't looked at it that way. You yourself pointed out that you ruined these friendships, and you might as well ruin your career too. This entire situation is all on you. I'm actually really disappointed in the way you handled the situation with Lauren. Our office was boring as s!ht before I came along. For the first 3 months I was there no one talked to each other at all. You have a very unhealthy need for drama in your life. Boring to you is probably what healthy and happy is to everyone else.
Author eerie_reverie Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 I'm still interested as to what signals he displayed, if any, that you mistakenly interpreted as signs of interest? Expressing enjoyment at working with me and an appreciation for my talents. But that's what you'd HOPE your boss will do. And we connected mentally. He always knew what I was talking about and thinking about and vice versa. He could follow my thoughts with very little actually being said. I think I just misinterpreted our great professional relationship for a personal interest.
Author eerie_reverie Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 I'm surprised you haven't looked at it that way. You yourself pointed out that you ruined these friendships, and you might as well ruin your career too. This entire situation is all on you. I'm actually really disappointed in the way you handled the situation with Lauren. You have a very unhealthy need for drama in your life. Boring to you is probably what healthy and happy is to everyone else. So am I, I feel incredibly guilty. This is the biggest reason I just want to leave. It gets worse actually. She wanted to make up with me the next day but I was so upset about Jack, I just death-glared at anyone who came my way, including her. Ugh, god. I need psychiatric help. I am 80% decent person and 20% pure evil.
Star Gazer Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Expressing enjoyment at working with me and an appreciation for my talents. But that's what you'd HOPE your boss will do. And we connected mentally. He always knew what I was talking about and thinking about and vice versa. He could follow my thoughts with very little actually being said. Sounds like he's a good boss, and intuitive/understands you. Just because he understands you doesn't mean he has any romantic interest. I'm glad you're being able to see this objectively now.
OceanGirl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 No. Hahahahahaha. She is really awful. That's why I don't feel too bad about the situation. Actually the part of all this I feel WORST about is hooking up with Eric and hurting Lauren in the process. It was SO something I'd do... the compulsive destructive part of me I was hoping was dead. That's great. That's how I felt about my boss too. Like: you are really into THAT woman? Ewwww you gotta be kidding me. It made me lose respect for him too.
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