did I make a mistake?

[souvlaki]

I'm now second guessing my decision to end things with the guy I was dating. Take a look at my original post where he discussed the nature of our "relationship":

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t249600/

 

I felt pretty firm in my decision until today, when I was thinking maybe I was jumping the gun. I mean most people aren't exclusive when they start out dating, so maybe it was unfair for me to expect him to want to be exclusive so fast, after only a month. Dating starts out casual, you know?

 

What do you guys think? I really want to believe I made the right choice. I guess I just need some assurance in that regard, if that is the truth.

[tigressA]

You didn't make a mistake. It was clear that you two are looking for different things right now.

[Slips715]

Don't worry girl, if you want something serious right now, then don't waste your time with someone who can't give you what you need. I know you're in your 20s, but some poeple are ready for mature relationships and some want to delay them and it seems that this is the case here.

Keep ya head up and focus on being happy, that will attract people who want to be happy with you!

[FructoseGrande]

Yes, of course you made a mistake, or rather, a series of mistakes.

 

There was absolutely nothing wrong with the guy you were dating that I could see. You'd been dating what, a whole month? and then wanted him to be exclusive? Why? Just because you had early sex with him? There's nothing wrong with having sex as long as you realize it doesn't necessarily mean that's all it will take for a guy to want to commit to you.

 

He was honest with you and while he didn't rule exclusivity out, he was leaving his options open at least in theory, for the time being. IOW he was simply being honest with you. Actually a smart thing to do, when coming out of prior relationship.

 

So, you didn't reject him for not being ready to commit to you, as you may want to believe--you actually rejected him for being honest with you. If you continue to do that, you won't get a man willing to commit, you will simply get a man willing to lie to you.

 

Let me explain how you should try to think about this--ANY MAN (or woman for that matter) who tells a person they have only been dating for a month, even if sex has happened, that they are ready to "commit" or be "exclusive" either is deliberately lying or just engaging in wishful thinking, since there is no possible way to know at that early point in a dating relationship.

 

One month is simply not enough time for anyone to be able to predict how they will feel about the other person. It may give a good indication of potential, but that's about all.

 

In any event, what makes you think there is ANY guy out there who could seriously make up his mind after only one month about this sort of thing?

[souvlaki]

Yes, of course you made a mistake, or rather, a series of mistakes.

 

There was absolutely nothing wrong with the guy you were dating that I could see. You'd been dating what, a whole month? and then wanted him to be exclusive? Why? Just because you had early sex with him? There's nothing wrong with having sex as long as you realize it doesn't necessarily mean that's all it will take for a guy to want to commit to you.

 

He was honest with you and while he didn't rule exclusivity out, he was leaving his options open at least in theory, for the time being. IOW he was simply being honest with you. Actually a smart thing to do, when coming out of prior relationship.

 

So, you didn't reject him for not being ready to commit to you, as you may want to believe--you actually rejected him for being honest with you. If you continue to do that, you won't get a man willing to commit, you will simply get a man willing to lie to you.

 

Let me explain how you should try to think about this--ANY MAN (or woman for that matter) who tells a person they have only been dating for a month, even if sex has happened, that they are ready to "commit" or be "exclusive" either is deliberately lying or just engaging in wishful thinking, since there is no possible way to know at that early point in a dating relationship.

 

One month is simply not enough time for anyone to be able to predict how they will feel about the other person. It may give a good indication of potential, but that's about all.

 

In any event, what makes you think there is ANY guy out there who could seriously make up his mind after only one month about this sort of thing?

 

Arg. This is what I'm afraid of.

 

See, I couldn't tell if it was just the natural inability for a guy to commit after a month or really an indication of a dead end "relationship" since he wouldn't be ready for a long time.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

I think the OP was spot on. First, I don't think this guy was being entirely honest. I don't think he was lying, but I don't think he was ever contemplating getting serious. I told a girl that I work with and had been sleeping with for about a month, almost verbatim, what he said in his email to the OP. It's a calculated move to get the other person to break it off, or accept the situation, without seeming dishonest or the "bad guy". If he was to be truly forthcoming, he would say "I am seeing other women" or "I am interested in other women too", and not left the OP that shred to hang onto. Good thing she didn't, but there are plenty who will.

[souvlaki]

I guess this is the sort of ambiguity that really makes me wish we had had this conversation in person, but it's all bridge under the water I guess.

[FructoseGrande]

Arg. This is what I'm afraid of.

 

See, I couldn't tell if it was just the natural inability for a guy to commit after a month or really an indication of a dead end "relationship" since he wouldn't be ready for a long time.

 

 

I'm not sure I understand you here. How is anyone supposed to be able to make a realistic judgment that they can "commit" after only a month of maybe a few dates? What's your basis for presuming that anyone, man or woman, is in a position to make a knowledgable exclusivity committment based on a few dates over a course of a month? How much time is actually spent with each other and in what different situations? A couple of movies, a couple of dinners, a couple of sleep overs?

 

I mean what is so wrong with the guy (or you for that matter) wanting to take a few more weeks or maybe a couple of more months of getting to know each other before promising exclusivity? One month is simply not a lot of time.

 

Yes of course he could have told you what you wanted to hear. But even if he did, you don't know him well enough to know that he'd actually make a meaningful effort to keep that promise to you.

 

What I don't really get is why you suddenly decided to entirely end the relationship just because he wasn't quite ready to commit to you.

 

Why was that actually necessary? Did you have some other dating option or prospect available that was a realistic alternative? If not--why end things so abruptly with this guy? You didn't really give it enough of a chance.

 

Look, pride is one thing, but if you think you might have been too hasty, you might want to call the guy up and tell him that you've reconsidered and would like to keep seeing him.

[FructoseGrande]

I think the OP was spot on. First, I don't think this guy was being entirely honest. I don't think he was lying, but I don't think he was ever contemplating getting serious.

 

So what? How serious it gets is a function of how the future of the relationship actually progresses. Presumably the more time is spent in a relationship, the feelings for each other will grow. What is this notion of exclusivity/commitment before there is really even a serious relationship established in the first place? If the goal is a serious LTR, then you definitely don't achieve that by breaking up with the guy because he expresses a reasonable amount of ambivalence after only a month.

 

 

I told a girl that I work with and had been sleeping with for about a month, almost verbatim, what he said in his email to the OP. It's a calculated move to get the other person to break it off, or accept the situation, without seeming dishonest or the "bad guy".

 

Again, so what? OP sent her ex an email which forced the issue in the first place. Certainly that was a calculated move on her part, right? Ooops it backfired. She painted herself into something of a corner essentially saying "Either we're exclusive or you can't have me at all" and when he said "Sorry I'm not ready for that" her pride wouldn't let her back down.

 

That's the problem with ultimatums, and no relationship is well-served by this kind of thing.

 

Ideally, relationships become "exclusive" when through the organic growth of the relationship itself, both parties are ready for it. Not because one or the other arbitrarily decides after only a month that "hey it's time to be exclusive."

 

 

 

 

If he was to be truly forthcoming, he would say "I am seeing other women" or "I am interested in other women too", and not left the OP that shred to hang onto. Good thing she didn't, but there are plenty who will.

 

I think he did say the equivalent of that, he clearly said he would leave his other dating options open, that's precisely why OP dumped him.

[FructoseGrande]

I guess this is the sort of ambiguity that really makes me wish we had had this conversation in person, but it's all bridge under the water I guess.

 

 

So swallow your pride, contact him again, and tell him you might have been too hasty and that you would give him another chance.

 

Generally, the time when a guy decides exclusivity is in his best interests is when he is aware that the gf is actually going to be seeing other guys as well. Then if he likes you the exclusivity happens fairly quickly.

[souvlaki]

So swallow your pride, contact him again, and tell him you might have been too hasty and that you would give him another chance.

 

Generally, the time when a guy decides exclusivity is in his best interests is when he is aware that the gf is actually going to be seeing other guys as well. Then if he likes you the exclusivity happens fairly quickly.

 

I think I'll lose face by going back on my original response. In other words, I don't think it would work at this point because I'll look wishy washy and unconfident.

[Jannah]

I think the OP was spot on. First, I don't think this guy was being entirely honest. I don't think he was lying, but I don't think he was ever contemplating getting serious. I told a girl that I work with and had been sleeping with for about a month, almost verbatim, what he said in his email to the OP. It's a calculated move to get the other person to break it off, or accept the situation, without seeming dishonest or the "bad guy". If he was to be truly forthcoming, he would say "I am seeing other women" or "I am interested in other women too", and not left the OP that shred to hang onto. Good thing she didn't, but there are plenty who will.

 

I tend to agree.

[Star Gazer]

I think I'll lose face by going back on my original response. In other words, I don't think it would work at this point because I'll look wishy washy and unconfident.

 

Omg. Please don't listen to Fructose!! Re-read your thread. The facts and circumstances from that thread are what they are. They have not changed. You don't want to continue sleeping with him while he's dating/sleeping with others, nor is a real friendship with him right now possible given the circumstances.

 

You're second guessing yourself because you like him. It's normal. But you aren't looking for the same things.

[atlnay]

What do you guys think? I really want to believe I made the right choice. I guess I just need some assurance in that regard, if that is the truth.

 

No one on this forum can tell you if you made the right choice for your life. Nor can we dissect the truth of your relationship, two sides and all. All people can comment on is what you post. Wiser folks will wade through the emotions you are feeling for this dude and show you the facts. People with less life experience will latch onto the emotions and project their own issues into their replies.

 

At the end of the day it's only your life to live and your choice to make on how to live it and so long as you can handle the consequences of your choice, you'll always be fine. Good luck to you!

[BobSacamento]

Are you starting to realize maybe you jumped the gun? Maybe what you said you wanted wasn't actually what you wanted? Or maybe that you actually do not know what you want(Like the majority of the world)?

[FructoseGrande]

Omg. Please don't listen to Fructose!! Re-read your thread. The facts and circumstances from that thread are what they are. They have not changed. You don't want to continue sleeping with him while he's dating/sleeping with others, nor is a real friendship with him right now possible given the circumstances.

 

You're second guessing yourself because you like him. It's normal. But you aren't looking for the same things.

 

I never told the OP she should continue sleeping with the guy if she doesn't want to. Also, maybe she does want to continue sleeping with him. Maybe she enjoyed it. (If she didn't, she wouldn't be talking about an LTR with the guy, right?) If she has now decided she no longer wants to sleep with him unless it's exclusive, fine, she's entitled to do that, but that doesn't mean she has to stop seeing him entirely, does it? Why can't they date as a non-exclusive couple, without having sex, getting to know one another a little bit better, to give him a chance to decide that she is worth him being exclusive with?

 

Basically the OP made a "power play" but miscalculated. It didn't work.

 

That's cool, you learn limits in relationships by pushing them I guess. She met a man who was not going to give up his other options so early, just because she was willing to have sex with him early in the relationship. So her reaction was to bolt. Proving that the guy was exactly right not to give up his options. The guy did nothing wrong here.

 

The question now is not whether she should allow her life to be governed by false notions of pride, but what she thinks would make her the happiest.

 

What's really kind of interesting, and sad, is the need from some people to portray this guy as some kind of loser or a bad guy simply for keeping his options open only a month into his relationship with her.

 

Look, the OP KNOWS she messed up here. That's why she's second guessing herself. Maybe she doesn't want to get back together with this guy; maybe it's not even possible; but it wouldn't be wrong for her to try if that's what she really wants.

 

And if she doesn't, hopefully she's learned a lesson for the next relationship.

[Jannah]

What's really kind of interesting, and sad, is the need from some people to portray this guy as some kind of loser or a bad guy simply for keeping his options open only a month into his relationship with her.

 

Look, the OP KNOWS she messed up here. That's why she's second guessing herself. Maybe she doesn't want to get back together with this guy; maybe it's not even possible; but it wouldn't be wrong for her to try if that's what she really wants.

 

And if she doesn't, hopefully she's learned a lesson for the next relationship.

 

No one is suggesting it is wrong to keep their options open. What some people are suggesting, and what has proven to be a fact in this case, is that they are not on the same page.

 

What makes it questionable in this particular case, is that he told the OP, that he was not looking to jump into a serious relationship with anyone, only AFTER they slept together and only AFTER she approached him with the "what are we" status.

 

The OP is within every right not to want to remain in a situation with someone, where she continues to sleep with him, while he continues to sleep with other women. That's not what she wanted with this particular man, so she opted out.

 

So, please do not attempt to turn the tables onto the OP and make this about her, when it clearly isn't.

[FructoseGrande]

No one is suggesting it is wrong to keep their options open. What some people are suggesting, and what has proven to be a fact in this case, is that they are not on the same page.

 

Emotionally healthy, mature people understand that expecting an exclusive commitment after only a month of dating is generally unrealistic. It is simply not enough time to get to know someone well.

 

I take the OP and this guy are not teenagers in jr. high school but rather adults with some degree of relationship experience. Neither are virgins, both were willing participants in an early sexual relationship, both knew the score.

 

 

What makes it questionable in this particular case, is that he told the OP, that he was not looking to jump into a serious relationship with anyone, only AFTER they slept together and only AFTER she approached him with the "what are we" status.

 

So she slept with the guy without discussing being exclusive or not. Fine. He's allowed to do that, so is she. Why do you believe it was "questionable" for HIM to sleep with her without having that discussion yet not equally questionable for HER to sleep with him without having it. Talk about your double standards. Sheesh.

 

Apparently you are implying that her sleeping with him was what was supposed to "entice" the guy into wanting the exclusive relationship? It's not his fault if she miscalculated about this.

 

Next time maybe OP shouldn't sleep with guys until she has established the exclusive committed relationship first. But generally speaking that's going to take longer than a month, and lots of guys won't stick around for that long if there is no sex.

 

Is this simply yet another case of a woman wanting to have things both, or all, ways? She gets to sleep with a man outside of an exclusive, committed relationship, god forbid anyone caution her against doing it--but the guy she sleeps with is somehow in the wrong?

 

 

The OP is within every right not to want to remain in a situation with someone, where she continues to sleep with him, while he continues to sleep with other women.

 

That's fine, she doesn't have to sleep with him. The problem is she wants to sleep with him. If she didn't want to sleep with him, she wouldn't be gunning for an exclusive relationship with him. What she does NOT have any right to do is to insist that he refrain from sleeping with other women. She can ask, and if he declines, she can refuse to sleep with him; but it is not in any way "wrong" for him to NOT want to be sexually exclusive yet.

 

This sort of entitlement mentality that many women seem to have is absolutely mind-boggling. Well it backfired this time. Tough. The guy did absolutely nothing wrong here. OP asked if she made a mistake in the way she handled this, and obviously she did, or else she wouldn't be second guessing herself. If she thinks she's fine with what she did then all she needs to do is "move on" without another thought about it.

 

The problem of course is that she likes this guy and wants him. Therefore she needs to stop trying to be so controlling of his behavior. If she doesn't want to have sex with him, fine. That didn't require her to dump him, though. And it's easy enough to un-dump him. It just requires eating a little humble pie.

 

 

That's not what she wanted with this particular man, so she opted out.

 

She wanted him to want to be in an exclusive relationship with her. That's fine. He didn't rule it out, he just said he wasn't ready because they'd only been going out for a month. He acted perfectly reasonably, and it's always a mistake to take an action, as OP did, which amounts to being offended when someone else does something which is perfectly reasonable.

 

So, please do not attempt to turn the tables onto the OP and make this about her, when it clearly isn't.

 

 

LOL it's ALL about her.

[Jannah]

Emotionally healthy, mature people understand that expecting an exclusive commitment after only a month of dating is generally unrealistic. It is simply not enough time to get to know someone well.

 

I take the OP and this guy are not teenagers in jr. high school but rather adults with some degree of relationship experience. Neither are virgins, both were willing participants in an early sexual relationship, both knew the score.

 

 

 

 

So she slept with the guy without discussing being exclusive or not. Fine. He's allowed to do that, so is she. Why do you believe it was "questionable" for HIM to sleep with her without having that discussion yet not equally questionable for HER to sleep with him without having it. Talk about your double standards. Sheesh.

 

Apparently you are implying that her sleeping with him was what was supposed to "entice" the guy into wanting the exclusive relationship? It's not his fault if she miscalculated about this.

 

Next time maybe OP shouldn't sleep with guys until she has established the exclusive committed relationship first. But generally speaking that's going to take longer than a month, and lots of guys won't stick around for that long if there is no sex.

 

Is this simply yet another case of a woman wanting to have things both, or all, ways? She gets to sleep with a man outside of an exclusive, committed relationship, god forbid anyone caution her against doing it--but the guy she sleeps with is somehow in the wrong?

 

 

 

 

That's fine, she doesn't have to sleep with him. The problem is she wants to sleep with him. If she didn't want to sleep with him, she wouldn't be gunning for an exclusive relationship with him. What she does NOT have any right to do is to insist that he refrain from sleeping with other women. She can ask, and if he declines, she can refuse to sleep with him; but it is not in any way "wrong" for him to NOT want to be sexually exclusive yet.

 

This sort of entitlement mentality that many women seem to have is absolutely mind-boggling. Well it backfired this time. Tough. The guy did absolutely nothing wrong here. OP asked if she made a mistake in the way she handled this, and obviously she did, or else she wouldn't be second guessing herself. If she thinks she's fine with what she did then all she needs to do is "move on" without another thought about it.

 

The problem of course is that she likes this guy and wants him. Therefore she needs to stop trying to be so controlling of his behavior. If she doesn't want to have sex with him, fine. That didn't require her to dump him, though. And it's easy enough to un-dump him. It just requires eating a little humble pie.

 

 

 

 

She wanted him to want to be in an exclusive relationship with her. That's fine. He didn't rule it out, he just said he wasn't ready because they'd only been going out for a month. He acted perfectly reasonably, and it's always a mistake to take an action, as OP did, which amounts to being offended when someone else does something which is perfectly reasonable.

 

 

 

 

 

LOL it's ALL about her.

 

They are not on the same page, which is what's been stated before. I think most of us are in agreement with that for the most part.

[OceanGirl]

Fructose, I don't know who you are but your advice is nutty. I hope OP doesn't take it seriously. Some men KNOW after date 1 that they really want to date the girl exclusively.

 

My ex jerked me around and fed me the same lines that Fructose does. Then he met a girl and after THREE WEEKS they were in an exclusive relationship. They called themselves gf/bf too. Same guy, different girl.

 

I really worry about OP going back on her word. This will be even worse than accepting the original proposal.

[atlnay]

Fructose, I'm a chick and I TOTALLY get what you are saying and do agree.

 

What's interesting about this forum to me, is, if you read it long enough, two patterns emerge.

 

The guy is honest from the beginning, about seeing other women etc, and an OP wants to either change that or is upset about it and people bash the dude...for being HONEST...not seeing that after a month, or less in some cases, what the OP wants and is doing is a bit much.

 

Or version two, the guy is deceptive, tells the OP what they want to hear, just to get & keep the sex, then the OP finds out he was cheating and they are just devastated. Whereas had he been honest in the beginning, like the first dude, he'd get bashed.

 

It's almost like men can't win for losing.

 

Not saying women are to blame and men are blameless but most of these scenarios, after a very short time of dating or even knowing each other have such extreme expectations, that always seems to fall on the man. Eh.

[Jannah]

You should reconsider atlnay.

 

With all his preaching, he goes on to say this:

 

Generally, the time when a guy decides exclusivity is in his best interests is when he is aware that the gf is actually going to be seeing other guys as well. Then if he likes you the exclusivity happens fairly quickly.

 

Hilarious...

[xpaperxcutx]

Emotionally healthy, mature people understand that expecting an exclusive commitment after only a month of dating is generally unrealistic. It is simply not enough time to get to know someone well.

 

I take the OP and this guy are not teenagers in jr. high school but rather adults with some degree of relationship experience. Neither are virgins, both were willing participants in an early sexual relationship, both knew the score.

 

 

 

 

 

No, commitment occurs when both person person involved agrees to it.

 

It's only unrealistic if one party believes that exclusivity occurs after sex.

 

The OP's problem is that she assumed that he would want a relationship with her after they been in layman's term FWB, but when he said he wasn't looking for exclusivity, she cried foul.

 

The only thing she needs to resolve is whether she wants to be stuck in sex- based position or kick the guy to the curb.

[Knittress]

I agree that he sounds like a good guy, but that they're not on the same page right now.

 

Stay strong! Find someone who wants what you want.

[atlnay]

You should reconsider atlnay.

 

With all his preaching, he goes on to say this:

 

 

 

Hilarious...

 

Jannah, aside from reading the forums, I read a LOT of relationship books, written by men, as well as talk to a LOT of men offline. Like those I meet for online dating and it's not going to work out, I usually posit my relationship questions to them, and they are all pretty honest and fairly consistent. So I would say I have a bit more insight into where a man is coming from when it comes to relationships and how he views the woman and titles and such.

 

What I would surmise from the quote of FG that you posted is this, men are territorial. Competetion does come into play and yes, if he senses losing you (after deciding that he wants to keep sleeping with you and possibly getting to know you better) he will be quicker to make you exclusive.

 

That said with a caveat, not saying women should play games and make it appear blatantly there are others, but as part of the courting process it's fair to do. IF he truly likes you and possibly wants more.

 

Men also realize when they lose a good thing, AFTER they lose it, so he's really not going to want to risk that before hand if possible.

 

Again, women can scoff at the more pointed feedback from men here or take it with a grain of salt, ask some of their platonic male friends the same situations and use what they've learned here or disregard and keep going to other women to explain men...*shrug*...their choice