fiat500 Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 I've been seeing this guy for over 7 months and we're both well past 21 years of age. Since the beginning of the year I shot down this guy's attempts to date me several times and my explanation to him was that it wasn't a good idea since he goes away to college and he wants to study abroad next year. It would be a burden and I didn't want him to feel tied down while he was doing all those things. But I really liked him and I stupidly gave in one day. He was a really great boyfriend over the summer. When he went back to college I quickly learned that he was unable to juggle a girlfriend, work load, and friends at the same time. His main focus is school which is fine because up until two weeks ago I would drive up to his college to see him or spend a weekend in his dorm. But recently I've felt that I was doing all the work to keep this relationship alive and that I'm running after him and putting in too much and not getting much back. I bought him tickets to see a band he really loved in nyc and he didn't really make a big deal about it. He rarely texts me now and I feel like he just doesn't care. This will most likely get worse when he goes to study abroad. Should I save myself the grief and walk away now? Should I pull back and wait to see if he does anything?
skydiveaddict Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 (edited) All I can say is if I had a gf and I really cared for her, I would make time for her no matter what. Books, studying, friends aside. In Afghanistan, some of the guys in my unit would wait weeks just to shoot off a short email or get a five minute phone conversation with their girlfriends. Priorities are just that. If you really want to, you will make time for them Edited October 17, 2010 by skydiveaddict
Author fiat500 Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 Thank you for clearing that up. I'm obviously not a priority to him and I'm wasting my time and probably deserve better if I'm going out of my way to drive up to him on weekends and he can't even meet me half way . It's true. If I was really that important to him he would make time. And he's not.
Author fiat500 Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 Ugh! I'm coming back to this post because I've been crying over this all morning and it's really hard to just walk away since I still have very strong feelings for him . But at the same time I don't want to chase him. It's killing me! I hate running after people. Especially if they're a boyfriend. Should I cut off contact with him and see if he reacts?
skydiveaddict Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Ugh! I'm coming back to this post because I've been crying over this all morning and it's really hard to just walk away since I still have very strong feelings for him . But at the same time I don't want to chase him. It's killing me! I hate running after people. Especially if they're a boyfriend. Should I cut off contact with him and see if he reacts? I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. That was not my intention. But can you see my point? i wouldn't give up on him yet. Tell him how you feel.
brainygirl Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 I agree with skydive, tell him how you feel (in a non-confrontational way). College can be overwhelming and it could be that ALL areas of his life are suffering from this neglect. He could be depressed which would lead to a rather flat affect in responce to the gift of the tickets. I will also offer this bit of advice: Sometimes we fall for people and want more from them than they can give at the time. Sometimes we get caught up in wanting the other person to say or do the "right" thing to validate our own feelings, but we forget that they are not us, and their way of demonstrating affection or caring may be different than ours. Do have a calm talk with him. Don't drop him right away until you know the full score. Also, find some other things to draw your attention and fill your time, stop making him the center of your world
irc333 Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 Not to sound a negative nellie....I'm sure some people can try to make things work. But, I think of someone going off to college, as someone starting off with a clean slate socially. I've met women at the college I went to far, far far away...and they'd say they have a boyfriend back home. There was a time where I had a crush on a hostess at a Chili's that had a boyfriend a 7 hr drive away at a University. I think the distractions of the brand new college life might lead to the inevitible end of such a relationship. There's no point in staying together after highschool if one or both are going off to college , esp in seperate cities. 1. You meet brand new people 2. You start joining clubs, fraternities, and sororities 3. You make new friends/classmates and studies buddies 4. These new people that you meet will probably be members of the opposite sex that could lead to temptation and forgetfulness of the distance sig. other. 5. Out of sight, out of mind pretty much All these distractions of practically a new life, esp. socially could mean someone could just make one of the people forget about ya. I mean, it COULD work out....for 4 years, anything's possible. I've been seeing this guy for over 7 months and we're both well past 21 years of age. Since the beginning of the year I shot down this guy's attempts to date me several times and my explanation to him was that it wasn't a good idea since he goes away to college and he wants to study abroad next year. It would be a burden and I didn't want him to feel tied down while he was doing all those things. But I really liked him and I stupidly gave in one day. He was a really great boyfriend over the summer. When he went back to college I quickly learned that he was unable to juggle a girlfriend, work load, and friends at the same time. His main focus is school which is fine because up until two weeks ago I would drive up to his college to see him or spend a weekend in his dorm. But recently I've felt that I was doing all the work to keep this relationship alive and that I'm running after him and putting in too much and not getting much back. I bought him tickets to see a band he really loved in nyc and he didn't really make a big deal about it. He rarely texts me now and I feel like he just doesn't care. This will most likely get worse when he goes to study abroad. Should I save myself the grief and walk away now? Should I pull back and wait to see if he does anything?
Author fiat500 Posted October 18, 2010 Author Posted October 18, 2010 Thank you for all your responses. I won't give up on the guy yet. I feel a bit better now and can probably go for a few more days without hearing from him. When we do talk I'd like it to be in a setting where he's not in his dorm or at school so I will probably have to wait for a bit. skydiveaddict, I see your point about priorities. you didn't make me feel bad. some people just know how to balance things, others don't. Thank you brainygirl, I've taken note of your advice. I actually don't make him the center of my world. It just hits me hard on weekends. irc333, I agree that there's no point in staying together after high school since you do a lot of growing and maturing while you're at college but we're both past the age of 23 when we started this relationship. believe me I actually turned him down a few times because of the reasons you give. But he INSISTED that he would be able to still be with me and that he has no more growing to do since he's past the age of 19. I still called bullsh*#t on it but he was persistent. And I really liked him. But we'll see though. It may very well not work out.
skydiveaddict Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I hope things work out for you. I think they will. It seems to me your bf doesn't know a good thing when he has it. I can tell you are an extraordinary girl. I hope he can figure that out. sda
Angel1111 Posted October 18, 2010 Posted October 18, 2010 I don't think you need to give up on him but it would probably be a good idea to back off for awhile and give him some space. You probably know that college can get to that point where it's extremely consuming and he's probably getting into the meat of his studies now. Admittedly it can be very hard to keep a relationship going when someone is in this situation, but it's not impossible. Your feelings are still important but you also need to be understanding, which I'm sure you are. He needs to understand that he can't shut you out either. Going abroad is going to present a whole other problem. He's going to need to decide how important this relationship is to him.
Author fiat500 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Drastic update We ended up talking online and I told him I felt some distance and needed to hear his voice on the phone. He refused to talk on the phone claiming that he hates making calls and he was studying for a midterm. It shocked me to the core because I had told him I *needed* to hear his voice. But I let it go. He had a midterm. The following night we talked online again and he told me he was annoyed at all the small fights we had been getting into lately and wants to talk face to face on saturday. I told him I'd just like to resolve it now because I'm hurting and I'd be anxious but he answered coldly that he was sorry and it needed to be face to face. This tells me he's going to break up with me this weekend and I'm not a priority anymore. I'm so sick over this and I can't sleep. He has off today but he's spending it with a long time friend and more studying. I'm obviously beneath him now and I don't know how this happened. I don't know how to cope with this right now. It's now Wednesday and I have to wait four long days for a conclusion by someone who is treating me like crap. I don't know what to do.
Author fiat500 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Posted October 20, 2010 Also I'm driving up to settle this on Saturday. He's not coming down. You'd think that if a guy wants to break things off he'd do it as soon as possible? Since today is his day off wouldn't things be quick and easy? Unless he wants a fresh clean slate for the start of the week. I know I may be overreacting here but I'm highly distressed right now
Angel1111 Posted October 20, 2010 Posted October 20, 2010 If it were me, I'd call him up and end it. He's being extremely dismissive and uncaring and you're only making things worse by letting him treat you this way. Sometimes you just have to cut out the cancer and move on. I'm really sorry that things aren't working out but I think you'd feel better about yourself if you would at least hang on to your dignity. It would be a cold day in hades before I drove up to visit a guy who's acting like this - whether he intends to break up with you or not. His behavior is inexcusable. Who the heck doesn't want to talk on the phone to their gf??? Tell him to kiss your hiney and walk away.
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