Having an affair, slightly worried

[Kresniko]

Hello, I've been having an affair with a girl from work. She's 23, I'm 37 and happily married with two kids. Simply put- the sex in dull in my marriage, and that's why I've been doing this.

 

I met her on her first day, and we became somewhat friendly. I don't particularly get on with anyone at the office, so it was nice to meet someone I could actually stand being around. Before long we would talk out of the professional context, share feelings and become "verbally intimate", though it was more escalating flirting at first.

 

One day, my W dropped by to tell me to pick the kids up, as my phone had been dead for a week or so. She got casually talking to this girl and naturally I was a little uncomfortable.

 

It was that same day we first had sex. She began asking about my family life, and she asked if I wanted to meet her after work for coffee. I won't deny an attraction to her- I said yes, and we ended up having sex at her place. It was passionate and pretty unbelievable.

 

We've been seeing each other discreetly ever since. Here's the thing- she gets off on the fact that I have a wife and kids at home. She's told me on several occasions that the thrill of having sex with someone with that ring on his finger really does it for her.

 

Before I got a new phone, she would often cop a feel when my wife would pop around for whatever reason. We once kissed literally right around the corner of the reception desk where she was waiting. It could be exhilirating, in a guilt wrecking way.

 

She's put forward the idea that we should do it in more "naughty" places, and we've had sex in public toilets and even booked several dirty weekends at a hotel despite generally being able to sneak around without one.

 

That drive has been getting bigger from there. More recently, she's been trying to press me into having sex with her in the marriage bed, when my W and kids are out.

 

I find it slightly odd. I knew the man was supposed to get some sort of ego boost out of having an affair with a gorgeous, extremely sexual woman, but the opposite was not something that had dawned on me.

 

Does anyone else have a similar story, or a take on this?

[secretlady76]

Hello, I've been having an affair with a girl from work. She's 23, I'm 37 and happily married with two kids. Simply put- the sex in dull in my marriage, and that's why I've been doing this.

 

I met her on her first day, and we became somewhat friendly. I don't particularly get on with anyone at the office, so it was nice to meet someone I could actually stand being around. Before long we would talk out of the professional context, share feelings and become "verbally intimate", though it was more escalating flirting at first.

 

One day, my W dropped by to tell me to pick the kids up, as my phone had been dead for a week or so. She got casually talking to this girl and naturally I was a little uncomfortable.

 

It was that same day we first had sex. She began asking about my family life, and she asked if I wanted to meet her after work for coffee. I won't deny an attraction to her- I said yes, and we ended up having sex at her place. It was passionate and pretty unbelievable.

 

We've been seeing each other discreetly ever since. Here's the thing- she gets off on the fact that I have a wife and kids at home. She's told me on several occasions that the thrill of having sex with someone with that ring on his finger really does it for her.

 

Before I got a new phone, she would often cop a feel when my wife would pop around for whatever reason. We once kissed literally right around the corner of the reception desk where she was waiting. It could be exhilirating, in a guilt wrecking way.

 

She's put forward the idea that we should do it in more "naughty" places, and we've had sex in public toilets and even booked several dirty weekends at a hotel despite generally being able to sneak around without one.

 

That drive has been getting bigger from there. More recently, she's been trying to press me into having sex with her in the marriage bed, when my W and kids are out.

 

I find it slightly odd. I knew the man was supposed to get some sort of ego boost out of having an affair with a gorgeous, extremely sexual woman, but the opposite was not something that had dawned on me.

 

Does anyone else have a similar story, or a take on this?

 

Welcome to LS. You've come to the right place for some good advice.

 

I'll keep this short! If this carries on, you'll be saying goodbye to your wife, children, home, everything you have worked for. Why? Because the two of you are taking massive risks here and you WILL get caught. The girl has nothing to lose and she is acting like a totaly idiot. She will request more and more risky things to try out and you like a mug will go along with it. She has total control over you and unless you want the *** to seriously hit the fan I suggest you cut ties with this woman before it is too late. I wouldn't put it past that girl to mouth off to your wife, or at least threaten to if you pull the plug on the affair so be aware of that. You need to get as far away from this girl as possible. She sounds like poison.

 

Get your body and mind back into your marriage and sex it up a bit. It takes two to make a sex life dull. You have so much to lose. Wake up and realise this. Good luck my friend.

[BellaBellaBella]

I have a take on it. She gets off on getting the forbidden fruit. It is an adrenline rush. If you love or respect your wife in the least, do not take her to your house and do it in your bed.

 

BTW she may be in it for the drama, and like you getting caught. She might be the bunny burner type. While I understand your addicted, if you want to back away slowly very very slowly. You have a ticking time bomb on your hands.

[bentnotbroken]

She has even less respect for your wife and herself than you do. Sad isn't? A person who would want to defile their marriage and hook up with a child who is okay with defiling the family home and marital bed. I can see your kids loving the true role model that is before them. Maybe they will pick up some of those habits and visit them on someone else's child. Hurting people hurt others right?

[greengoddess]

Oh man you are screwed. You're doomed. Leave your marriage now. It will be easier on your wife than discovering the affair. There is no way you are getting out of this without your wife finding out. This woman is nuts on the rush. You try to end the affair and she WILL tell your wife and she will take pleasure in it.

[woinlove]

Some women specifically like being with men who are married to other women. According to the owner, most of the women on Ashley Madison are single, whereas essentially all the men are married. This simply reflects the fact that there are single women who prefer MM. As the owner says, being taken makes the man more attractive for some women. Furthermore, for women who lack empathy for the people involved, it can be competitive and exciting -- seeing how far one can push a MM who loves his W and children into taking risks. The more you risk, the more validated or powerful she may feel.

 

This woman is young and has nothing to lose. If there is a huge blowup and you lose everything, it won't change her life much as there will always be another MM willing to take risks. Even if you go along with sleeping in the marital bed, it likely wont' stop there. That may just feed her appetite for bigger risks.

 

What is interesting is that she seems pretty open about this. Some young women with this kind of need for validation or excitement are more subtle and wouldn't openly state that they want to do it in the marital bed - they would just manipulate the MM into that situation. Consider yourself lucky that she has been so open so that you can decide if you want to risk everything to feed these desires.

[Kresniko]

Thanks for the replies, and well, you're probably all right to a degree. The only reason its come this far is because the sex is so passionate. I won't lie, the thrill gets me off too, but not to her sort of level. I love my wife and I don't want anyone to suffer due to this little addiction.

 

Cutting it off may be the right idea... but I don't know how to go about it. I've become no stranger to deception over the course of this affair but I have my limits, I can't just get rid of her like that.

 

Probably worth pointing out that she knew exactly what this was going into it. These increasingly "kinky" suggestions for love making and a barrage of dirty texts are what have me more worried, regarding breaking it off.

 

Mess for sure.

[jthorne]

Oh man you are screwed. You're doomed. Leave your marriage now. It will be easier on your wife than discovering the affair. There is no way you are getting out of this without your wife finding out. This woman is nuts on the rush. You try to end the affair and she WILL tell your wife and she will take pleasure in it.

One can only hope, right?

 

So, OP, quick question: I assume the marital bed is the ultimate place to do it for a girl of that moral caliber. I mean, it's kind of the ultimate middle finger to the spouse, to do the nasty where a faithful husband typically makes love to his wife, right?

 

So, say you go ahead and play hide the winkie in your wife's bed? Then what?

Obviously, you've not thought any of this through, since you've been thinking with the wrong head.

 

I'm also curious what you will tell your wife if your workplace philandering is discovered, and you lose your job. It's happened more than once.

 

Anyway, my instinct is that this girl has nada for self respect, and in a twisted way, thinks that your willingness to risk things validates her. The more risks you are willing to take, the more she *thinks* that you think of her.

 

You are treading heavily on a slippery slope.

[woinlove]

Oh man you are screwed. You're doomed. Leave your marriage now. It will be easier on your wife than discovering the affair. There is no way you are getting out of this without your wife finding out. This woman is nuts on the rush. You try to end the affair and she WILL tell your wife and she will take pleasure in it.

 

Yes, that is certainly a strong possibility.

[klarish03]

She is not worth it....She is a killer...Don't entertain her any more... Find a way out! She was suppose to be a 'friend'..Nothing more! I am a woman..I know what I want from you... Sleeping in ur marital bed in none of them...What is so special? Be careful..she is a drama queen!

[jthorne]

Oh, I forgot! She could also be the type to get a real case of the raw @ss and claim sexual harassment. I've seen it happen before personally. A MM was fooling around with a co-worker, she got ticked off one day and went to the boss claiming sexual harassment. The MM claimed it was consensual, the company didn't care; the risk of a lawsuit was too high, so he was fired.

 

Think about that the next time you get a naughty sext. And oh yeah, if you are using a company phone or computer to carry on, that's grounds for dismissal too.

 

Look, if you are serious about ending it with her (kinda doubt it, but let's play along), tell her it was fun, but it's over. Don't tell her your wife suspects. That will just be more of a challenge to her. Actually, I think the only thing that will really get rid of her is if she finds a new better challenge, but them's the brakes.

 

Sure hope it was worth it.

[hopesndreams]

I love my wife and I don't want anyone to suffer due to this little addiction.

 

In what ways do you "love" your wife? Tell your wife what's been going on and maybe she can help you with your "little addiction."

 

Mess for sure.

 

A mess of your own making. Be a man and clean it up.

[Spark1111]

Hmmm...you have a real unstable one of your ah...ahem...hands.

 

The relationship is less about you, and more about besting your wife!

 

Your paramour is re-enacting some childhood drama. Mommy issues, perhaps? A real bunny boiler in the making.

 

And she is using hot sex to control you. How simple.

 

The risks are about rebellion against a parental figure....making you take her to your marital bed is about...power against another woman.

 

So, it is a mean mommy she may have had.

 

She may actually hurt you, more likely your wife, at a later date.

 

Because she has to win this competition AT ALL COSTS to prove she is a more worthy woman. And you are the pawn she is using to do so in her own phycho-sexual acting out drama.

 

Lucky you! You connected with a real black widow spider OW. It all about the power, not the sex, not the connection. And they use sex to manipulate and control a weak man.

 

I have no advice to give you. If you can extricate yourself slowly, you may have a chance of avoiding a total annhilation of your marriage, your wife, your family and your reputation. You will have dodged a bullet, big time.

 

In the future, do not be so weak.

 

And then she will move onto her next challenge.

[JamesM]

Hello, I've been having an affair with a girl from work. She's 23, I'm 37 and happily married with two kids. Simply put- the sex in dull in my marriage, and that's why I've been doing this.

 

With all due respect...you cannot be happily married if you can conduct such an affair and not worry about how it will hurt you wife and kids. You cannot be happily married if you can kiss this girl just around the corner from your wife and not feel sadness how you are hurting her.

 

As someone who has little sex in my marriage, I understand WHY you might be interested, BUT I cannot understand how you could let this keep going.

 

Here is why I think you should reconsider this affair:

 

You work with her.

 

That in itself is enough to sink your career and your marriage.

 

This cannot end well. No ifs and or buts. At this point, it is already likely that it will end badly, but the longer you wait to end it...the worse the possible problems.

 

I know I should also warn you about being married and having secrets, but the first thing here is the fact you work with her. As has been said, in this day and age with sexual harassment suits, I wonder how you would not see this as a life changing event...in a very bad way.

 

When I was single and in management, I went that route a couple of times...but we were single and not married. Thankfully, it came out okay, but it can get quite hard to hide a relationship even when single.

 

I met her on her first day, and we became somewhat friendly.

 

My guess is that she chased you from the beginning. The question is...how many other men at your workplace has she been with?

 

And please tell me...you ARE using condoms?

 

One day, my W dropped by to tell me to pick the kids up, as my phone had been dead for a week or so. She got casually talking to this girl and naturally I was a little uncomfortable.

 

Women sometimes have a sixth sense about certain women. She could tell that her "type" will go after married men. My wife has had that kind of "affair-dar' on women I have worked with. And oddly, others that I have been closer with, she has had no concern about. Usually she is correct about the intentions, too.

 

It was that same day we first had sex. She began asking about my family life, and she asked if I wanted to meet her after work for coffee. I won't deny an attraction to her- I said yes, and we ended up having sex at her place. It was passionate and pretty unbelievable.

 

She planned this from the beginning. I doubt it was an accident. After meeting your wife, she felt that you were a good pick. Do you remember how you reacted with your wife that day?

 

We've been seeing each other discreetly ever since. Here's the thing- she gets off on the fact that I have a wife and kids at home.

 

This should scare you big time. It is not you she is after. Her interest is not in you but in the thrill. When the thrill wears off, then you are in big trouble.

 

I knew such a woman, and that was a close one. I can say that I was not the only married man she was chasing at the time either. She did catch a couple from what I heard, and she herself was married.

 

My point is....if your marriage ends because of this, I guarantee that she will not be around to soothe you. She will be moving on to the next victim.

 

Before I got a new phone, she would often cop a feel when my wife would pop around for whatever reason. We once kissed literally right around the corner of the reception desk where she was waiting.

 

Question....are you even thinking about your future? DO you have any care about your wife's feelings? :eek:

 

She's put forward the idea that we should do it in more "naughty" places, and we've had sex in public toilets and even booked several dirty weekends at a hotel despite generally being able to sneak around without one.

 

So...are you prepared to see your name in the paper?

 

That drive has been getting bigger from there. More recently, she's been trying to press me into having sex with her in the marriage bed, when my W and kids are out.

 

Don't do it, because forever after that your feelings of being in bed with your wife will change. Even after this woman is gone, (and if you are still married), you will remember the sex you had with her in your marriage bed. How will that feel while you are having sex with your wife?

 

Out of curiosity, how often do you and your wife have sex? Why do you consider it dull?

 

I find it slightly odd. I knew the man was supposed to get some sort of ego boost out of having an affair with a gorgeous, extremely sexual woman, but the opposite was not something that had dawned on me.

 

I am not sure why a guy would have an ego boost, but how do you really feel...besides feeling guilty? I can understand the excitement and thrill of the secret life and the newness of the passionate sex...especially if you are having a dull sex life.

 

Does anyone else have a similar story, or a take on this?

 

Not really a similar story as a married man. I don't think I could handle what you are describing. And if this is all as you describe (and I assume it is and not a troll thread), then my take on it is that you will be losing your family unless you can end this quietly. For your sake, I hope this girl is not a mood changing "biotch" who will make your life miserable if you try to end it with her. It is likely that she wants this game played on her terms, and if you try to end it, then she will be as a woman scorned. She will be certain that this affair comes out and it will ruin your life.

 

Hopefully, she will understand if you tell her that you must end it for your sanity. Hopefully you CAN end it and forget about the addicting thrill and passionate sex that this girl introduced into your "dull" life.

 

But I currently only see it ending badly.

 

I truly understand why you would choose such an affair from the emotional side of things, but I don't understand how you cannot sit back and rationally see that this will end badly.

[scatterd]

wow she really wants to take risks it seems like she wants you to get caught

whats her next exciting thing to do wait untill the wifes a sleep and do it right by her.What an evil woman this is more then an A its about taking chances

I know you are enjoying sex with her but you should kind of be pissed that

she does not care who gets hurt.I would tell her you cant do this no more

your into deep as it is.This cant be worth loosing your wife kids and home get out and dont look back.good luck

[joey66]

Hi Kresniko,

 

First let me say - DAYUM. DAYUM!!!

 

You are only slightly worried? You should be afraid. Very, very afraid.

 

I get how you could become tangled up in this mess. The attention of a younger woman can be intoxicating.

 

But, let me echo what others have said. She's dangerous. She's crazy. No good can come from this. Run, do not walk, for the exit. The name of the game now for you, IMO, is damage control. How can you get out of this with the least amount of damage to your life?

 

Good luck to you sir.

[Fight4Me]

The only way you can truly end this A with the least amount of damage is to fall on your sword and tell your wife. Given the OW's crazy risk-taking, I can pretty much guarantee that you will not be able to extricate yourself without your wife finding out in a far more damaging way. As painful as it will be for her to hear it from you, it is the greatest chance to save the marriage. Any other way, and the humiliation and disgust for you will be through the roof. She may already suspect something anyway.

 

Once you tell your wife, you become a united front, circling the wagons. No longer will the OW have any power. You may even want to consider going to HR in your company to confess truthfully the inappropriate contact, the regret and remorse you have, and that you and your wife are working to repair the damage. If crazy woman attempts to file a complaint, you are most likely to come out of it as the one with the most integrity.

 

Now, onto the idea of you having sex in your marital bed. All I can say is that if you bring the psycho into your house, let alone defile your wife's personal space, you can kiss your family goodbye. And I'd be the first one to applaud, because you would get everything you deserve and lose everything you love.

 

You should be terrified.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

That drive has been getting bigger from there. More recently, she's been trying to press me into having sex with her in the marriage bed, when my W and kids are out.

 

as if sleeping with someone elses husband(and you cheating) isn't bad enough, she wants to further disrespect your wife, the woman that gave you your kids?

 

 

 

I find it slightly odd. I knew the man was supposed to get some sort of ego boost out of having an affair with a gorgeous, extremely sexual woman, but the opposite was not something that had dawned on me.

 

Does anyone else have a similar story, or a take on this?

 

my take on this is that it is a fatal attraction waiting to happen......and I hope it happens and your wife finds out.

[pollyanna22]

Oh man you are screwed. You're doomed. Leave your marriage now. It will be easier on your wife than discovering the affair. There is no way you are getting out of this without your wife finding out. This woman is nuts on the rush. You try to end the affair and she WILL tell your wife and she will take pleasure in it.

 

Being the BS myself, not sure if it's the right advice to tell him to leave his wife. He should tell her and let her decide her own fate! not telling her and just leaving is a cowards way out!She may forgive and try to move on, she may not but let her decide!...

[Kresniko]

Here is why I think you should reconsider this affair:

 

You work with her.

 

That in itself is enough to sink your career and your marriage.

 

Yeah, it's been a worry for a while now on that front. My direct superior is, funnily enough, also having a not particularly discreet affair with a certain woman from the office. I've tried to rationalize it with that, or perhaps scapegoat is a better phase... but obviously it's a more broad problem than that.

 

My guess is that she chased you from the beginning. The question is...how many other men at your workplace has she been with?

 

I honestly wouldn't know. She doesn't seem "close" to any of them, and even if she did I don't have a right to pull the jealousy card.

 

And please tell me...you ARE using condoms?

 

Yes.

 

She planned this from the beginning. I doubt it was an accident. After meeting your wife, she felt that you were a good pick. Do you remember how you reacted with your wife that day?

 

Makes sense, and we didn't talk about it at all. From where I was standing I could feel my heart sink as they talked, but on my W's side at least it was a conversation of no consequence or meaning.

 

This should scare you big time. It is not you she is after. Her interest is not in you but in the thrill. When the thrill wears off, then you are in big trouble.

 

I have entertained the thought... but I must admit I didn't want to confirm or accept it. You're right.

 

My point is....if your marriage ends because of this, I guarantee that she will not be around to soothe you. She will be moving on to the next victim.

 

I can concede to this.

 

 

 

Question....are you even thinking about your future? DO you have any care about your wife's feelings? :eek:

 

She and I are rarely, if ever these days intimate. She doesn't particularly feel the need for it anymore while I sadly cannot get over the thought yet. When a young, hot woman tells you she's willing to fufill that role and that it actually -gets her off-; weak or not, I know better men than me who would jump on the idea.

 

I care about her feelings in that I don't want her to get hurt. Clearly that isn't a safe bet anymore, it seems.

 

Don't do it, because forever after that your feelings of being in bed with your wife will change. Even after this woman is gone, (and if you are still married), you will remember the sex you had with her in your marriage bed. How will that feel while you are having sex with your wife?

 

Precisely my thoughts, by word. I am not fond of this idea and have flatly denied it twice. It keeps coming back up. I can't imagine being able to sleep in it again.

 

Out of curiosity, how often do you and your wife have sex? Why do you consider it dull?

 

It's bordering on non existent. There may be the odd night a month, but even that's not set in stone. The sex drive just isn't there, it isn't what it used to be and dull is the only word I have to describe it.

 

I am not sure why a guy would have an ego boost, but how do you really feel...besides feeling guilty? I can understand the excitement and thrill of the secret life and the newness of the passionate sex...especially if you are having a dull sex life.

 

I feel, as someone bluntly put earlier, that the only thing this is doing is costing my children a role model. I can't justify losing everything for sex with a younger woman.

 

Thanks for the reply James, much appreciated, and thanks for all the replies so far. I'm going to end it with her, for everyone's sake, and hope it isn't too late to get out alive.

 

Cowards way out or not, the only other man in the office around my age-range is a rather unhappily married man himself, who has engaged in two affairs (that I know of) before our branch relocated. I may consider trying to pawn her off onto him, as he's mentioned to me several times that he reckons she's rather gorgeous.

 

If that is to fail, then god knows what.

[alexandria35]

How old is your wife? How many kids and how young? I know lots of women will have a waning sex drive while raising their children. Kids take a lot of work, not just physically but emotionally too. It's hard to be a full time care giver and still feel sexy and sexual, especially if the woman is also the caregiver to her husband as well. Your wife may also miss the intimacy but maybe taking care of everyone elses needs doesn't exactly get her purring... maybe she fantasizes about a strong man that will take care of her. It's a possibility.

[whichwayisup]

Hello, I've been having an affair with a girl from work. She's 23, I'm 37 and happily married with two kids. Simply put- the sex in dull in my marriage, and that's why I've been doing this.

 

I met her on her first day, and we became somewhat friendly. I don't particularly get on with anyone at the office, so it was nice to meet someone I could actually stand being around. Before long we would talk out of the professional context, share feelings and become "verbally intimate", though it was more escalating flirting at first.

 

One day, my W dropped by to tell me to pick the kids up, as my phone had been dead for a week or so. She got casually talking to this girl and naturally I was a little uncomfortable.

 

It was that same day we first had sex. She began asking about my family life, and she asked if I wanted to meet her after work for coffee. I won't deny an attraction to her- I said yes, and we ended up having sex at her place. It was passionate and pretty unbelievable.

 

We've been seeing each other discreetly ever since. Here's the thing- she gets off on the fact that I have a wife and kids at home. She's told me on several occasions that the thrill of having sex with someone with that ring on his finger really does it for her.

 

Before I got a new phone, she would often cop a feel when my wife would pop around for whatever reason. We once kissed literally right around the corner of the reception desk where she was waiting. It could be exhilirating, in a guilt wrecking way.

 

She's put forward the idea that we should do it in more "naughty" places, and we've had sex in public toilets and even booked several dirty weekends at a hotel despite generally being able to sneak around without one.

 

That drive has been getting bigger from there. More recently, she's been trying to press me into having sex with her in the marriage bed, when my W and kids are out.

 

I find it slightly odd. I knew the man was supposed to get some sort of ego boost out of having an affair with a gorgeous, extremely sexual woman, but the opposite was not something that had dawned on me.

 

Does anyone else have a similar story, or a take on this?

 

I advise you to dump this OW and watch the movie Fatal Attraction. You have no idea what you're bringing into your life. Your marriage, your kids lives. This OW has no shame, and doesn't care about anything but herself.

 

Since it seems you don't love her and are only in it for the sex, then it should be easier to break it off with her.

 

TRY connecting with your wife, put that energy and passion into your marriage, so you and your wife can make your sex life more exciting. Why waste that on some potiental bunny boiler in the makings? Her behaviour is odd and you need to be aware that she could ruin your life if you let her. END IT and fix things with your wife.

[YellowShark]

I agree with almost everyone in this thread. You are risking your marriage, home, job, etc... For sex. Think of a set of scales and put everything that is dear to you on one side of the scale. Now put sex with a coworker on the other side of the scale. Which has more weight to it?

 

Additionally this OW sounds like the type that would go psycho on you when it goes bad for you two. And I mean psycho in a really bad way. Just a heads up.

[LucreziaBorgia]

For goodness sakes use protection. The last thing you want is to get someone like this pregnant.

[ladydesigner]

How old is your wife? How many kids and how young? I know lots of women will have a waning sex drive while raising their children. Kids take a lot of work, not just physically but emotionally too. It's hard to be a full time care giver and still feel sexy and sexual, especially if the woman is also the caregiver to her husband as well. Your wife may also miss the intimacy but maybe taking care of everyone elses needs doesn't exactly get her purring... maybe she fantasizes about a strong man that will take care of her. It's a possibility.

 

Yep I love this post. Why is that men always expect the woman to do everything and pull this boo hoo sh*t. This post couldn't have nailed this any more on the head for me. I found out my hubby had his affairs during these years of raising the little ones. He complained that 1-2x a week wasn't enough and led to his A's. Just hope your wife isn't like me and have a nice revenge affair later on:laugh: