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Partner's friend - what is he playing at? Should I confront him?

cyberfriendxx

By cyberfriendxx
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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I've been looking on LS (which seems to be the best) and other forums because am desperate to decide what to do right now.

I recently got back from a group holiday in a villa with my partner of many years. Also on the trip were a few of his friends and their partners. It was a big group of people. I've lost quite a bit of weight and look quite different compared to the last time we all met up.

 

Anyway my partner's friend started staring at me across the room right from day one - long heavy looks that I couldn't miss. The first night after his partner had gone to bed he sat down next to me and slid his leg right up against mine and left it there. No-one else could see. The next morning when I sat down to breakfast he gave me a long lingering look me right up and down and said nothing again.

 

He then through the next several days kept staring and giving me long looks all the time, taking every opportunity he had to come and sit close to me and he often touched my leg and arm with his. He kept drawing me into cosy conversations with him and flattered me by agreeing with me about everything he could. He never said anything outright to me but one night he did allude to the fact (during one of our one-to-one conversations) that he wasn't sleeping. I sent a text which basically made it clear that I presumed his behaviour meant that he was 'coming on' to me. The next time I saw him he just caught my eyes and locked them. He didn't say anything. I thought that meant he had got the text.

 

However although he carried on behaving exactly the same way for the rest of the holiday he didn't say anything to me about it.

 

I sent him a 2nd text after we got back asking him to put me in the picture about his behaviour. He didn't respond but got someone to phone me on a withheld number and ask my name then put the phone down...( I know it was a friend of his because I recognised the voice).

 

I am mad with myself for going along with it by texting him at the time but he was very attractive and recently I have been having a few issues with my partner. This man has long-standing difficulties with his own partner, has had affairs in the past and has lied repeatedly about all sorts of things. I know I should tell my partner what's happened but right now we are just not communicating well. I'm attracted to this man big time (despite the fact I know how he has behaved in the past) and I can't let this lie although I know I've done wrong already.

 

I want to confront him to ask him what he was playing at, what his motivations were so I can sort this out one way or the other but can't decide if it's the right thing to do. What would you do? What do you think he was doing? Am in a real mess...:o</SPAN>

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Do you want to have an affair with this guy? That is obviously what he wants.

 

If so then fill your boots. But if you have an ounce of decency you will split up with your BF first.

 

If you don't want an affair then tell your BF what his so-called "friend" is up to.

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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Well I've phoned him - he's at a conference - and am more confused than ever... don't know what to do now.

At first he was agitated and said he didn't know why I was calling. He said he hadn't done 'anything'. I was mistaken. He didn't want to go into details about what I said he had done. Then he said we shouldn't leave it like this because clearly it was very awkward. He was full of understanding about how my situation had come about - clearly I had issues with my partner which I need to address - he said I should talk to my partner.

 

I said I knew about his past and he then discussed his personal life in some detail with me talking at length - about difficulties with his relationship which cause him alot of distress. He was candid about his lack of feelings for his partner, his partner's lack of interest in their sex life and how frustrating and difficult he found this. His relationship is clearly in a bad way. He also said he found it impossible to talk to his partner about certain things.

 

He said that he did find me very attractive and suggested his behaviour might have been 'subconscious'. I found myself discussing my personal life with him in detail too. He said that I could always talk to him about my problems anytime I wanted. We shared a very intimate conversation in the end.

 

I'm just all up in the air now - I asked him not to say anything to my partner - he said he hadn't and he wouldn't. I've said we don't see each other much anyway so the next time we do happen to meet it should be ok. I don't expect to see him for quite a while.

 

I apologised to him but to be honest I don't know why... it was clear he did know what he had done. Luckily my partner and he don't have any regular contact at the moment even though they both work in the same line of business. We live in different towns.

 

What do I do? I never expected him to deny it completely... then share all that personal stuff. I don't believe him and am totally confused by what he said.

 

I'm :eek:not going to phone him again but if I now tell my partner what's happened he's going to go ballistic and if my partner challenges his friend I know he will repeat his denial. Surely that's just going to make things worse?? Shall I just keep quiet? And hope he does too? I ought to tell my partner really - just don't think I can face it...:confused:

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

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If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your partner to be upfront and honest with you about what happened? What you are doing by keeping quiet is disrespecting your partner and undermining your relationship.

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your partner to be upfront and honest with you about what happened? What you are doing by keeping quiet is disrespecting your partner and undermining your relationship.

 

Yes I guess I would and it is disrespectful I know. I feel dreadful because I know it was wrong in the first place. I just don't know though whether it's better to not say anything at all - what could I say that would make it any better? - I've now told his friend that I won't tell my partner and he was eager for that to be the case. I get the impression he didn't want me to tell him.

 

Will have to think about this I know. Thanks for the advice.

lkjh Established Member

lkjh

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Why are you in a relationship? You clearly want to cheat with this guy, you overplayed a little flirting, you opened up inappropriate dialogue with this guy, and you clearly don't respect your "partner".

 

Look don't be stupid. You are having a hard time in your relationship and you decided to handle it in very poor taste. Come clean with your partner and you should probably break up because it seems like you are looking to cheat. Which is very disgusting thing to do

porter218 Established Member

porter218

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It sounds very much to me like you want to cheat. Don't! Leave your bf if you feel this way or talk to him about it and never step outside the trust you two have. It's one or the other...not both. You seem to be the one pursuing more then this OM.

Mad Max Established Member

Mad Max

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Do not cheat on your BF. Do you want to put him at risk for STD's because of your own selfishness? This guy clearly wants in your pants. If you seriously want to go through with it, dump your BF first. That's if you have any decency and morals.

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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Why are you in a relationship? You clearly want to cheat with this guy, you overplayed a little flirting, you opened up inappropriate dialogue with this guy, and you clearly don't respect your "partner".

 

Look don't be stupid. You are having a hard time in your relationship and you decided to handle it in very poor taste. Come clean with your partner and you should probably break up because it seems like you are looking to cheat. Which is very disgusting thing to do

 

I've been with my partner a very long time and hadn't expected this and how I would react to it. I do respect my partner and realise I have done him wrong. I was not 'looking' to cheat - I felt this guy came on to me. I'm not going to pursue it. I just don't think at this point coming clean is going to help. Maybe I'm wrong..

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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It sounds very much to me like you want to cheat. Don't! Leave your bf if you feel this way or talk to him about it and never step outside the trust you two have. It's one or the other...not both. You seem to be the one pursuing more then this OM.

 

I'm not going to leave my partner over this - I don't want to. Knowing you want to do something is a big step from going ahead and doing it. I did pursue this guy because I felt he had overstepped a line with me and I wanted an explanation at least. I'm not pursuing him now. I don't intend to speak to him about it again. I think I need to talk to my partner though about our relationship really... Not sure what to say.

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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Do not cheat on your BF. Do you want to put him at risk for STD's because of your own selfishness? This guy clearly wants in your pants. If you seriously want to go through with it, dump your BF first. That's if you have any decency and morals.

 

Sadly I know I was seriously was tempted to cheat with this guy if that's what he had been offering. I also really thought he was after me. I got mad with him for playing around getting some guy to phone me on a withheld. That was just playing games I felt so I had to talk to him. Still think he was not at all straight with me. But am going to talk to my partner instead I think. Just not sure I have the courage to tell him the story because the s**t will hit the fan.

porter218 Established Member

porter218

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I'm not going to leave my partner over this - I don't want to. Knowing you want to do something is a big step from going ahead and doing it. I did pursue this guy because I felt he had overstepped a line with me and I wanted an explanation at least. I'm not pursuing him now. I don't intend to speak to him about it again. I think I need to talk to my partner though about our relationship really... Not sure what to say.

 

Yes, you should talk to him. But don't delude yourself into thinking this was all him and you are only pursuing an answer.It's wrote all over your wording in the post that you were very happy he was interested, you didn't tell him to back off, and you even asked him if he was coming on to you without making it clear you weren't interested...and thats because you were interested. You didn't cheat thank god, but you now have started to think about one and eventually that can lead to one down the road. Please talk to your partner, and also work on the issues you are having in your relationship.

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

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I hate to point out the obvious why you need to be truthful to your partner. My friend it is not just all about you. Your partner has a right to know everything. Your fear that the **** will hit the fan. Again can you imagine if the roles were reversed and your partner said he did not want to tell you because he was fearful that the **** would hit the fan? How does that sound to you? Good luck.

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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Yes, you should talk to him. But don't delude yourself into thinking this was all him and you are only pursuing an answer.It's wrote all over your wording in the post that you were very happy he was interested, you didn't tell him to back off, and you even asked him if he was coming on to you without making it clear you weren't interested...and thats because you were interested.

 

You are absolutely right - I haven't tried for one minute to convince myself that this was all him. I chose to do what I did. I made that mistake myself. I was happy he was interested, I didn't tell him to back off and I did go after him for an answer.

 

I can't defend any of that. I should have done different. I found him attractive and went with my emotions - this has never happened to me before in my life and I'm no spring chicken.

 

I'm going to talk to my partner about our relationship. Still feeling real confused and in a mess with all this right now.

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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I hate to point out the obvious why you need to be truthful to your partner. My friend it is not just all about you. Your partner has a right to know everything. Your fear that the **** will hit the fan. Again can you imagine if the roles were reversed and your partner said he did not want to tell you because he was fearful that the **** would hit the fan? How does that sound to you? Good luck.

 

You are so right. It doesn't sound good at all. But there are lots of people involved here - family, friends and colleagues. Open it up and there will be a load of fall out - keep quiet and maybe it might all settle down.

 

I should be truthful - but if my partner hasn't been aware of it - surely telling him is more hurtful for him and potentially a load of others? Whichever way I go round it in my head it's a huge dilemma.

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

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I believe that you do not wish to suffer any consequences for your actions and are engaging in all sorts of justifications to not tell him on the grounds that other people would be upset???? Look either you have a relationship based on honesty and respect or dishonesty and disrespect. Please stop trying to avoid consequences and stop continuing to disrespect your partner, your relationship and yourself by not being truthful to your partner. You admitted if the roles were reversed you would want to know and would expect the truth from your partner yet you try to justify keeping the truth from your partner. What is wrong with this picture?

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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I believe that you do not wish to suffer any consequences for your actions and are engaging in all sorts of justifications to not tell him on the grounds that other people would be upset???? Look either you have a relationship based on honesty and respect or dishonesty and disrespect. Please stop trying to avoid consequences and stop continuing to disrespect your partner, your relationship and yourself by not being truthful to your partner. You admitted if the roles were reversed you would want to know and would expect the truth from your partner yet you try to justify keeping the truth from your partner. What is wrong with this picture?

 

Justifications - maybe I am. Honesty in relationships? - I do know this is the best.

 

I guess I would want to know if roles were reversed but I'm not sure how I would take the news and I know that in the past my partner has withheld from me about things that have happened to him because he didn't want to confide in me and didn't want to upset me. Not about quite such serious things - but they were important to me at the time. He chose not to be honest for his reasons. Full disclosure at all costs? I'm not sure right now.

 

I do think that other people are important especially if it's family - if I told my partner it could stir things up for people and it could get nasty. If I let it lie then that can't happen. I can't change what I did. If I do tell my partner and he confronts his friend - and his friend denies it - where does that leave me? Will my partner believe me or believe his friend?

 

I've got myself into this situation and it's pants.

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

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This so-called friend is not a friend to your husband at all. He clearly had no problem disrespecting his friendship with your husband and playing him for a fool. As a man I would want to know that somebody who I thought was a friend was no friend at all. Keeping your partner in the dark allows him to be made a fool of by this so-called friend. If he seriously believes his so-called friend over you then it is time for you to move on. Hopefully he will believe you and cut this so-called friend out of his life. I feel sorry for your partner because he was in fact emotionally double betrayed by you and his so-called friend. I wish you luck.

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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This so-called friend is not a friend to your husband at all. He clearly had no problem disrespecting his friendship with your husband and playing him for a fool. As a man I would want to know that somebody who I thought was a friend was no friend at all. Keeping your partner in the dark allows him to be made a fool of by this so-called friend. If he seriously believes his so-called friend over you then it is time for you to move on. Hopefully he will believe you and cut this so-called friend out of his life. I feel sorry for your partner because he was in fact emotionally double betrayed by you and his so-called friend. I wish you luck.

 

He was doubly betrayed you are right. Wish I was definitely strong enough to tell him. Am just not - and scared that to tell him will mess it up on all fronts. Think he would believe me (bit scared that he wouldn't) but would not be able to believe it of me. Feeling wretched and twisted up inside. Am going to talk to my partner tomorrow.

Thanks for the advice Bryanp - it's good that at least I can share this.

lkjh Established Member

lkjh

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I've been with my partner a very long time and hadn't expected this and how I would react to it. I do respect my partner and realise I have done him wrong. I was not 'looking' to cheat - I felt this guy came on to me. I'm not going to pursue it. I just don't think at this point coming clean is going to help. Maybe I'm wrong..

 

You already did pursue it by talking to the OM about it. You are already cheating.

 

Also, you need to tell your partner. For starters he has a right to know, second more people know about this then you realize(like the guy the phoned you), third you need to learn how to communicate, and fourth either you can learn to respect your partner and tell him or you should just leave him

 

 

Right now you are doing the worst thing possible to a man. YOU went after his friend. Yes by calling him you went after him. I know you said you lost a lot of weight and girls who use to be bigger are easier to manipulate. But you need to confess especially if you plan on having a future with your bf.

 

 

Flat out you were in a rough spot in your relationship and you picked the nastiest way of dealing with. The OM has completely disrespected your bf by going after you and your bf has a right to know

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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You already did pursue it by talking to the OM about it. You are already cheating.

 

Also, you need to tell your partner. For starters he has a right to know, second more people know about this then you realize(like the guy the phoned you), third you need to learn how to communicate, and fourth either you can learn to respect your partner and tell him or you should just leave him

 

 

Right now you are doing the worst thing possible to a man. YOU went after his friend. Yes by calling him you went after him. I know you said you lost a lot of weight and girls who use to be bigger are easier to manipulate. But you need to confess especially if you plan on having a future with your bf.

 

 

Flat out you were in a rough spot in your relationship and you picked the nastiest way of dealing with. The OM has completely disrespected your bf by going after you and your bf has a right to know

 

Ok but as I said I'm not going to pursue it any further.

 

I was never a 'big girl' and had not drastically reduced my weight. I have never been easy to manipulate. I have always been a sensible, reliable and level-headed person - well past the age of being a dizzy young girl. This was acting out of character and definitely not wise. I have been in a rough spot for some time and yet don't think my partner and I have been communicating well at all. He hasn't taken heed of my concerns up to now. But that's a separate issue and not an excuse.

 

Thanks for your advice anyhow.

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lkjh Established Member

lkjh

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Ok but as I said I'm not going to pursue it any further.

 

I was never a 'big girl' and had not drastically reduced my weight. I have never been easy to manipulate. I have always been a sensible, reliable and level-headed person - well past the age of being a dizzy young girl. This was acting out of character and definitely not wise. I have been in a rough spot for some time and yet don't think my partner and I have been communicating well at all. He hasn't taken heed of my concerns up to now. But that's a separate issue and not an excuse.

 

Thanks for your advice anyhow.

 

I really still don't think you get it. You have already opened the door for this to get a pretty bad. It doesn't mean it will get bad but you have opened the door. The ball is in the OM's court. What are you gonna do if he starts talking to other people or starts calling you out of nowhere?

 

Ok you guys haven't been communicating, now is your chance to fix that.

 

Also I really don't you confronted this guy to see what he was "playing at". You actions match someone who enjoyed the flirting.

 

 

Your relationship is in trouble for a lot of reason and this is not a isolated case. But you cannot expect to fix it by doing the same thing over and over. If communication is the problem than learn to communicate and start by telling your SO what has happen. If you don't do this than the truth is you don't care about being open and honest, you just want your bf to be open and honest. Communication swings both ways.

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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I really still don't think you get it. You have already opened the door for this to get a pretty bad. It doesn't mean it will get bad but you have opened the door. The ball is in the OM's court. What are you gonna do if he starts talking to other people or starts calling you out of nowhere?

 

Ok you guys haven't been communicating, now is your chance to fix that.

 

Also I really don't you confronted this guy to see what he was "playing at". You actions match someone who enjoyed the flirting.

 

 

Your relationship is in trouble for a lot of reason and this is not a isolated case. But you cannot expect to fix it by doing the same thing over and over. If communication is the problem than learn to communicate and start by telling your SO what has happen. If you don't do this than the truth is you don't care about being open and honest, you just want your bf to be open and honest. Communication swings both ways.

 

lkjh I DO get it - REALLY. Openness - honesty - that's what it should be about - I know it. I will talk to my partner but right now I am still not sure at all about revealing the whole story. I do care about being honest with him but it feels so complicated and I am all over the place. You are right. Actually going through with telling him everything scares me more. I know that I am a coward.

I haven't explained at all the issues in my relationship - and there are many. I did enjoy the flirting - I am not denying it. I guess I'm vulnerable right now.

 

I have no control over what this guy is going to do about telling. Somehow though because he was so keen to agree with my not to say anything - I am pretty sure he is going to stick to that - if as he 'says' he doesn't want to pursue it then think he will just keep a low profile. Perhaps putting a bit of time and distance on this would be a start..

 

Realise you won't agree.

lkjh Established Member

lkjh

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Want I don't get is if you know you bf has a right to know, the only reason why you won't tell him the entire story is because you are scared, you openly enjoy flirting with your bf's friend, and you were so willing to open the door with the OM by A) talking to him about it and B) talking about your relationship with him then why don't you just dump your bf and sort yourself out?

 

 

By the way as a guy I can assure that we like to brag. And trust me everything you did screams out you want the OM so he will brag to someone(like the guy he had phone you).

 

If I was the guy I would think that you are interest in starting an affair. Girls only confront guys that flirt with them when they are interested, otherwise they just blow it off.

 

You are going to be in a situation with the OM again in the future and sweeping this under the rug will not make it go away.

 

Its hard to do the right thing now but the position you are putting yourself and your bf in is gonna be really bad if you keep waiting.

 

You have a lot of options but only two smart ones which are either dump your bf or tell him the truth. Not just the truth you want him to know but the real truth. Women have a tendency to rewrite problems and blame their SO. They only tell their bf/h's things that make they want. Too many times on this site we have heard from men who were tricked into working out problems while their gf/w were cheating and that really destroyed those guys. Do not make your bf work out "issues" without letting him know what he is going against.

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cyberfriendxx Member

cyberfriendxx

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WWomen have a tendency to rewrite problems and blame their SO. They only tell their bf/h's things that make they want. Too many times on this site we have heard from men who were tricked into working out problems while their gf/w were cheating and that really destroyed those guys. Do not make your bf work out "issues" without letting him know what he is going against.

 

Just women? Never guys? Is it always the guys who get destroyed?

 

My SO and I have in fact been married many years so it's not just a case of dumping him...

 

I spoke to him though - couldn't bring myself to go through with telling all and I know that is cowardly but that's where I am just now. I told him about all the issues in our relationship that had come to a head just prior to all this. He said it was a 'bolt out of the blue' - I was amazed to hear that he didn't have any idea how unhappy I had been. I felt I had tried to talk to him many times before - obviously not seriously enough. At least we've started to talk now.

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