turnstone Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 So my back story reads - I married, was cheated on from the get go with at least four OW, had dday, discovered an STD, my H begged for forgiveness, I moved house/country to be clear of him, I get clear of STD, go for settlement and finally divorce. I had one date since then that was bleurgh and haven't even looked at another guy. Until now. I've worked with him for the last two months and each day he humbles me. I have never felt so inspired to be a better person than when I'm with him. His compassion, understanding and kindness seems boundless AND he makes me laugh. The problem is, I feel too ruined, too soiled and too damaged. For the first time in my life I don't feel good enough. Where do I start?
Spark1111 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 By being honest with yourself and with him. I think you just did that in your post. You have been damaged, but examine why you feel unworthy.
Silly_Girl Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 This is you moving AWAY from all that. Your heart is healing quicker than your head perhaps? You have survived all of those things - that makes you anything BUT a loser, in my book. This is a transition from old to new and some days will feel more 'old' than new. Your post is contradictory to me because if you were the things you say you feel, this man - NO man - could elicit those feelings in you.
PhoenixRise Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 By being honest with yourself and with him. I think you just did that in your post. You have been damaged, but examine why you feel unworthy. What Spark said... AND Maybe it is still too soon for you to be dating. This guy is just the second guy you have dated since your divorce. Healing and recovering from this kind of betrayal takes time. Give yourself enough time to know without a doubt that Your husband's actions are in NO WAY an indicator of your worthiness to be loved and cherished.
Spark1111 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 What Spark said... AND Maybe it is still too soon for you to be dating. This guy is just the second guy you have dated since your divorce. Healing and recovering from this kind of betrayal takes time. Give yourself enough time to know without a doubt that Your husband's actions are in NO WAY an indicator of your worthiness to be loved and cherished. What Pheonix said.... Look, intuitely we know we were not responsible for the cheating and the subsequent divorce was a strong, owned decision on your part. You immediately realized you could not forgive a betrayal of that magnitude, so why waste your time, right? But often, it takes our emotions some time to catch up with our logic. And that is the hard part. Learning to risk yourself again, to become vulnerable again can be very difficult after infidelity and divorce. There is no failure here; there is nothing in which to have guilt or shame about. But truly turnstone, what will you have, or what will you have missed, if you do not risk yourself? We all deserve to be loved and cherished.
eeyore1981 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 It makes me sad to hear you feeling this way. I don't believe you are damaged or ruined, or in any way unworthy of finding love and happiness. If what had happened to you happened to someone you know instead, would you feel this way towards them? If not, maybe you should take a closer look at what you are expecting of yourself.
Spark1111 Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 It makes me sad to hear you feeling this way. I don't believe you are damaged or ruined, or in any way unworthy of finding love and happiness. If what had happened to you happened to someone you know instead, would you feel this way towards them? If not, maybe you should take a closer look at what you are expecting of yourself. What eeyore said too.... And here's is another thing: Anger can be an invaluable tool. It sets boundaries and galvanizes us to make decisions and take actions that protect us! But the inverse of anger is sadness and introspection. It is normal to grieve the end of a marriage, to feel insecure about all that has transpired, even a crappy one. So allow that. It is part of the healing process. And it is okay.
karnak Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I have never felt so inspired to be a better person than when I'm with him. His compassion, understanding and kindness seems boundless AND he makes me laugh. Have you never felt like that before? Really? Not even with your husband? If what you're feeling now it's genuine, then this may well be a "real deal". In all my life only a woman has made me feel like that. No woman before her made me have such pure and dignified feelings. An no woman after her. Personally I think that the best person we could be with is the one that gives us the strength to truly face ourselves - in all our Good and Bad traits - and makes us overcome our vices and reinforce our virtues.
YellowShark Posted September 18, 2010 Posted September 18, 2010 I've worked with him for the last two months and each day he humbles me. Never fish off the company pier. If it goes bad there is no escape from the pain at home OR at work. Please tread carefully. Best of luck.
Iconoclast Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 BZZZZT. Earth to despair....earth to despair...come in despair... " compassion, understanding and kindness seems boundless AND he makes me laugh. " ... is exactly what you need.
Author turnstone Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 First let me address the nitty gritty points raised. We are not dating, not even so much as a shared coffee break. Also, I am freelance, as is he. We live in different countries. We are also adults with a mature understanding, so 'fishing off the company pier' isn't relevant to our situation. SG - thank you so much for saying that, I hope its true. You're so right to identify the fluctuation in emotional states, none of us are in one state of mind and emotional all the time and some days are old. You've made me see that those days are getting less and less though. Pheonix - thank you also. What you identify about how I judge my own worthiness is very relevant. I wonder its partly as a result of being gaslighted for so long and despite my intuition being proved right, I still feel I must be wrong to trust it. I want to blame, blame, blame my exH, but I have to take responsibility now, no one else can change how I feel. Spark - what you say about letting my emotions catch up with the logic is so true! And not something I've voiced to myself before I read your post. This is obviously something I need to get a grip of if I'm going to move on with real success. Eeyore, the same to you. No, I wouldn't judge someone else how I'm judging myself. That's food for thought. Thanks for opening my eyes, all of you. And thank you for your belief in me also. I'll be working with T for the next couple of weeks and your posts have made me resolve to relax a little more and not think about 'what if?'. I guess if nothing else, I've found someone who is amazing to have in my life in whatever way.
JAGeezer Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 Recovering from a major trauma, or series of traumas, is a process, not an event. When it happens it comes about unevenly, in fits and starts. And there is no timetable to be followed. After I lost my first W, I didn't remarry until my own kids were grown. Give yourself time. If this guy is worth it, he'll be there with you through the process. Don't feel that there are expectations to be met, yours or his. Do what feels right, when it feels right, and when in doubt...don't. Go easy on yourself. You've got a little relationship PTSD going. Give yourself time to process where you're at before worrying much about where you're going. Take some time to live. There are some flowers waiting for you to smell them when you're ready to. JAG
Author turnstone Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 BZZZZT. Earth to despair....earth to despair...come in despair... " compassion, understanding and kindness seems boundless AND he makes me laugh. " ... is exactly what you need. Oh! That's made me want to cry. Edit - JAG, thank you so much.
skydiveaddict Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 The problem is, I feel too ruined, too soiled and too damaged. For the first time in my life I don't feel good enough. Where do I start? You're not damaged, just hurt. You simply start over, like many others have. You can do it. Sign up for your first skydive, join a hiking club, go out for a drink with your friends, start going to a gym if you don't already. Today is the first day, don't it
Hazyhead Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 I think when we are hurt so badly by another we can suppress emotions that we feel may be signs of weakness (even though they are completely natural) in order to survive. Our 'need to be strong' kicks in and marches us forward, whether we're entirely ready to or not, especially for you Turnstone - it was that survival instinct that pulled you out of the toxic situation your xH had put you in. Now that you are finding attraction again, all those insecurities that you buried are surfacing, again I think this is completely natural. They'll pass. Enjoy this man's company and focus on all the fantastic qualities you possess, of which there are many, and slowly the dirt that you feel lingering from your xH will turn to dust and blow away. You deserve some fun
Author turnstone Posted September 19, 2010 Author Posted September 19, 2010 Hazyhead, thank you so much. What you say makes a lot of sense, especially about insecurities resurfacing. I'll take on board your advice and start digging for those good qualities Thank you. Thank you everyone for the support and encouragement you've shown me. I'm humbled and also very grateful for the good, sound counsel offered to me. I feel that no other bunch of people would understand this situation quite as well as you. I'm a little overwhelmed. Skydiveaddict, I did my 1500 jump last Thursday. I thought you'd have caught on that I skydive when I mentioned beer and whuffo to you the Soapbox way back and as far as being hurt rather than damaged....... I don't know, I think I'm damaged pretty good. But that's ok, this thread has made me see that it's possible to heal.
Steadfast Posted September 19, 2010 Posted September 19, 2010 (edited) Good answers, great discussion. There's probably a lot of us who can relate. ...and I have something to add that (I don't think) has been broached. OP, you once used anger to make the tough decision of separating yourself from this bad situation. Anger, often thought of as a bad thing really isn't; not when used correctly. In this case it served well, but it's possible this tool isn't needed in your kit anymore. After the dust settles that anger often sticks around...lurking, sometimes aroused. It's our anger; we earned it and that makes it something that we often have troubled letting go of. One early poster in this thread stated 'that kind of betrayal isn't something that can be forgiven' and that really is the mindset that most of us have. But, IMHO, to fully heal we must let it go and forgive. It's impossible to forget, that's different. How could we? In time, that simmering anger might cause us to wonder why we can't get over what happened and move on. This is turn makes us believe there is something wrong with us; that we're damaged goods. We're still angry. When I was little I asked my mum how God could love people who do bad things. 'God hates the sin, not the sinner' she replied. To heal, to truly live and love again, we must do the same. All the while realizing forgiveness doesn't condone the wrong, it simply sets it free. And in the process, us. Edited September 19, 2010 by Steadfast
skydiveaddict Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Hazyhead, t Skydiveaddict, I did my 1500 jump last Thursday. I thought you'd have caught on that I skydive when I mentioned beer and whuffo to you the Soapbox way back and as far as being hurt rather than damaged....... I don't know, I think I'm damaged pretty good. But that's ok, this thread has made me see that it's possible to heal. Sorry I must have missed that. Are you static line jumping or with an instructor?
2sunny Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 based on your back ground - it seems you may have trust issues... that's expected given your circumstances. you will only trust again when someone earns it. if it's a problem or obstacle you may want to consider some counseling.
Author turnstone Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Steadfast, what makes you think I'm still angry? And what makes you think that anger has made me feel the way I do currently? 2sunny - no **** Sorry I must have missed that. Are you static line jumping or with an instructor?AFF. Do you know what that means without Googling it? Doing over a thousand jumps with an instructor would be kinda expensive, nevermind pointless
skydiveaddict Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Steadfast, what makes you think I'm still angry? And what makes you think that anger has made me feel the way I do currently? 2sunny - no **** AFF. Do you know what that means without Googling it? Doing over a thousand jumps with an instructor would be kinda expensive, nevermind pointless Yes I know what it is. Accelerated free fall. And no I didn't google it. But you don't have to do a thousand jumps with an instructor just to get your A license, only 20. It's a good training method. I am a tandem instructor, so I have only have first timers But it sounds like you're having fun. Stick with it
Author turnstone Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about - you think I don't know how many jumps it takes to get an A licence? And if you know you don't need to have to do a thousand jumps with an instructor to get your A, why ask me if I jump with one? And why do you only have first timers, there are loads of people who only do tandems, I'm surprised you've never taken any of them. Where do you jump?
Author turnstone Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 I have to shoot now, but maybe you could PM me? Maybe we'll meet up at Chicks Rock at the end of the month?
skydiveaddict Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 (edited) Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about - you think I don't know how many jumps it takes to get an A licence? And if you know you don't need to have to do a thousand jumps with an instructor to get your A, why ask me if I jump with one? And why do you only have first timers, there are loads of people who only do tandems, I'm surprised you've never taken any of them. Where do you jump? Sorry to offend you I had no idea you were such a skygodess after what , two jumps? Edited September 22, 2010 by skydiveaddict
Author turnstone Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 Dude, what? You haven't offended me, and of course I don't think I'm a skygoddess. Why do you think I only have two jumps? What's that all about? Totally got me confused here. I have a D rating and one thousand, five hundred jumps. Wanna know which canopy I use? My wingloading? You seem a little confused yourself, to be honest. And a little evasive.....
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