She's unsure and feels trapped

[HawksRule]

Okay first I'm going to apologize as this will be pretty long, but if you do read it all..I really greatly appreciate the help.

 

 

 

Background: My girl and I have been together for a little over 4 years, and have been engaged for a little over a year. we are both in our mid 20s (she is 24, I am 26).

 

How she feels: Currently she feels trapped with me, with nothing she can call her own (friends, house, car, job, etc.). She feels that she needs to be with me because she cannot afford to live on her own rather than because she wants to be with me. She also feels that there is no way she can finish college unless she is living with me (financial). She is unsure whether or not she wants to be with me (much less marry me) considering she has this huge want to go out and live the independent single life she has never had before. Growing up she went from living with Dad, to living with Mom, to living with me. She also has lost a lot of trust in me.

 

Factors leading up to our current state: Honestly past 4 years have been wonderful. We always knew we wanted to be together, get married, have kids, etc. Of course our relationship has gone through ups and downs. Primarily me getting too comfortable in our relationship and causing her to feel unloved and basically having to threaten to leave me for me to shape up. This is one of the reason she has lost trust in me. Several times we have gone through the me being un-loving and unappreciative, and her having to threaten to leave me to shape up. She doesn't want me changing to just be another "phase".

 

Other factors: Okay big one. I kissed a stripper, it was stupid, I fully own up to it. I will spend my life trying to make it up to her. That definitely betrayed a lot of her trust. It could have been a whole lot worse, but it could have been a lot better (i.e. I could have told her sooner, I could have never done it, etc.) A few months back I also was a coward and attempted a break. She came to get me that night after moving out and I realized I was being stupid and I needed to be with her not away to make it work, and things were good after that until now.

 

Other factors: We did a major move together recently about 8 months ago. This move primarily for me (help run a family business that will in the future ensure our financial success as husband and wife), has caused her a lot of hardship. She had to sell her car, lost her job around the same time that I got "too comfortable" again, and this all happened around the same time we sent out our save the date magnets to everyone. So there is now the public commitment to our lifetime commitment.

 

Current status:

- Her Mom is visiting with her little brothers for 3 weeks. i have noticed the family environment has definitely been good to her/us. My only worry is maybe she is just putting on a face while her mom is here.

- She does have a job right now, it is part time, it is no way near what she used to make. She is still very financially dependant on me, and sadly yes even if she goes full time, she will have a very hard time ever being able to fully support herself...financially. Going back to school would be almost impossible.

- Car - Her mom is here, and we are working together to get her a car again. Something she can finally call her own again

- House - we did a gardening project, and i'm starting to turn the place more into a home again for her...trying at least. Letting her buy the things to put up on the walls, her books, pictures of us, our families etc.

- Sex - comes and goes. not much of it going on really. the last time we had sex she felt really disconnected from me, and she said she didn't want to have sex again and risk feeling like that with me again.

- Communication - We still talk a lot. Try our best to keep things light hearted, but you know serious stuff comes up every now and then.

- Romance - I am trying my best to not go over the top, but show her, that she does mean the world to me, and I was stupid not to show her that before.

- Friends - She finally has a set of her own friends now. She hangs out with them late nights maybe 4 nights a week. She does not want me out with her and them. for reasons such as 1: I made such a big stink long ago about not ever wanting to go out that now she does not want to go out with me at all to clubs/bars/etc. 2: These are her first real friends that she did not meet through me. So in a way she wants to make sure she keeps them as her friends. I have a hard time with this because her new friends are all guy friends, but then again if this relationship is to work. I need to trust her and she hasn't done anything to betray my trust up to this point. Also these guy friends maybe is the space she needs from me, and although they are not my friends, they are still friends of my friends in one way or another and my friends assure me I got nothing to worry about. I only put out the request that if her friends our important to her, they are important to me. I'd like to be invited out once, she's been hanging with them for 3 weeks now...she's still on the fence whether or not she ever wants me out with them. What sucks too is she won't go out with me either other than dinner dates, so yeah it does cause me to feel uncomfortable.

 

Anyway...let me wrap up.

 

Bad Signs - Every now and then she gets a break down. Mainly when she starts thinking about money and finances. During this time, she'll tell me she's completely disconnected from me. If she had the money she would leave me. She doesn't want to make things work with us. She doesn't want to be together. She loves me, but is not in love with me. Lack of sex, she still does not want to go out with me and/or invite me out ever with her friends at this moment. She also has stopped wearing her ring for about 3 weeks now (she took it off when i told her about the stripper kiss thing). Also anything I bring up to see if she wants to at least try to make us work (look at photos, couple activities, etc.), she's either unsure, or doesn't even want to try. As if she's waiting for some kind of spark to make her fall back in love with me, and if not she's gonna leave.

 

Good signs - Well she is still living with me right now. I mean if someone wants to leave you, no matter the case, they will find a way to leave you. It could be just a face because her mom is here, but when this weekend was good. We watched movies and she made it a point to sit with me and cuddle with me. We do still have some intimacy (cuddling, making out, etc.) We still sleep in the same bed, and she still cuddles with me or asks me to cuddle her as well as give her massages before bed. Even when I attempt to give her space and cut off communication, she still texts/calls me. She also tells me even though most of the time she wants this single independent life so bad. Sometimes when she sees kids, she wants so badly to have a kid...and have a kid...with me...so that must count for something right? we still kiss frequently, and every now and then she does tell me she loves me. Her Mom knows about our issues and suggested counseling. She has agreed to give it a shot. At the same time, she hasn't told me that she's made her decision to leave me. The engagement hasn't been publicly called off yet.

 

Anyway there's a lot of things in our relationship that is definitely on the fence. I also know the ball is completely in her court. I think what's difficult is I know I want to try, and there are times I feels she's trying, but other times it feels like she's just putting on a face and waiting to be financially independent enough to leave me. i.e. like the counseling, when I brought it up, she was completely against it because she did not want to try it at all and just was done with us. But when her Mom approached her with it. She know is willing to try it. Which I can take as a good thing because at least she's gonna try. but at the same time I wonder if she's just going through the motions and we're going to be just wasting a whole lot of time/money. When she tells me she feels trapped and wants to leave me, she seems so sure of it, and I'm thinking about just cutting ties and making it easier for her to leave me. but yet at the same time she is still (somewhat) trying...so yeah it's hard to know what to do.

 

Thoughts?

 

p.s. Other than the stripper kiss thing, another major strike was that I upgraded my car, when she had none. it was a selfish move. I'm thinking about as a gesture, selling back the car and re-using the free car I was given to me by my parents. Because yes, she means more to me than a stupid car. But yeah at this point, I'm just so afraid of doing anything that may push her even more away.

Edited September 14, 2010 by HawksRule

[atlnay]

Stripper kiss aside (bad boy! Lol) you seem like you genuinely want a future with this chick, which is gonna make the rest of my advice, tough to swallow: let her go. Even for a bit. Her feeling trapped & financially tied to you + her unsureness are not good signs and easy to dismiss as jitters. She has verbalized them to you clearly enough & you are right, may only be staying with you till finances allows her to go free. She wants to be independent. She has male friends you cant socialize with her, she feels suffocated. Reread your post as if your brother came to you for advice. What red flags do you see & what would you tell him? Perhaps a different perspective on her & this outcome exists, I just dont see it If you truly love her & want her to be happy, let her go (and you move on yourself).

[atlnay]

Few more things to add, as I know 4 years can be hard to walk away from, and I'm all for counseling if that much time has been invested, but when someone feels trapped and/or suffocated, you can't counsel that. They need space/time/distance. That & the fact that she has new male friends, goes out 4nites a week & wants to be independent, really means she is not ready to settle down. If she had her own place & you two dialed things back, your relationship may still be salvagleble. It really sounds like she wants to experience a certain lifestyle and that desire wont go away till she has.

[whichwayisup]

Do not get married. Break up with her because she will betray you in the worst way.

 

This girl is telling you in her own way that she is NOT ready to get married. She's been quite blunt about it too.

 

Aren't you insulted? If I were in your shoes, and was told "if I had the money, I'd leave you" I'd be telling her "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!"

[HawksRule]

Stripper kiss aside (bad boy! Lol) you seem like you genuinely want a future with this chick, which is gonna make the rest of my advice, tough to swallow: let her go. Even for a bit. Her feeling trapped & financially tied to you + her unsureness are not good signs and easy to dismiss as jitters. She has verbalized them to you clearly enough & you are right, may only be staying with you till finances allows her to go free. She wants to be independent. She has male friends you cant socialize with her, she feels suffocated. Reread your post as if your brother came to you for advice. What red flags do you see & what would you tell him? Perhaps a different perspective on her & this outcome exists, I just dont see it If you truly love her & want her to be happy, let her go (and you move on yourself).

 

Well we've already talked that if we were to stay together and workt hings out. The wedding for sure is postponed indefinitely until she's ready (if ever). cus yes bottom line is, I want a future with this girl regardless if we're married or not. But chances are if we work things out, and she starts feeling more secure with herself...yeah she may be ready by then and as a guy, it won't kill me if i'm not married right away.

 

As for letting her go. Yeah that's what's hard for me too. When she breaks down and really does want this independent life. I try to let her go. I tell her fine, sell the ring, use the money to get your own place to stay. maybe we can take a step back (go back to just dating). But here lies the other problem. She's stubborn, she will not take any hand outs.

 

So really the only space I can create is when she goes out with all her guy friends, at first I was pushing to introduce me one day, but now it's on her terms.

 

So anyway, how does one let her go if she wont take any hand outs and she has no place to go? I absolutely don't want to say fine let's break up while u live with me until u can afford leaving. Cus if she ever brought back home some other guy...I'd go bezerk.

[Woggle]

Let her go and it is up to her to sink or swim. I am sorry if that sounds cold but I really have no patience for women like this. They will drive you up the wall with this kind of stuff If she wants to be independent then let her be but she has to make her way in this world. You can sell your car and move the world for her but it will not matter one bit because in her head you are the cause of her unhappiness. I am afraid you have to let her go and be glad she at least pulled this stuff before you two had kids.

[HawksRule]

Let her go and it is up to her to sink or swim. I am sorry if that sounds cold but I really have no patience for women like this. They will drive you up the wall with this kind of stuff If she wants to be independent then let her be but she has to make her way in this world. You can sell your car and move the world for her but it will not matter one bit because in her head you are the cause of her unhappiness. I am afraid you have to let her go and be glad she at least pulled this stuff before you two had kids.

 

 

Well...that was one thought. I mean I don't want her to be tortured staying with me, and at the same time...i don't want to live with someone who half the time resents me. But I can't kick her out on the street.

[Woggle]

Also you need to worry about some of these guy friends. Her saying that she feels unloved and that you are neglecting her are classic signs that something is up. When a woman is in this state of mind nothing will ever be good enough, Don't drive yourself insane trying to please her.

 

I know you do not want to throw her out on the street but tell her things are not working out and she has a certain amount of mine to get herself together and get out there on her own. Give her the independence she craves.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Other factors: We did a major move together recently about 8 months ago. This move primarily for me (help run a family business that will in the future ensure our financial success as husband and wife), has caused her a lot of hardship. She had to sell her car, lost her job around the same time that I got "too comfortable" again, and this all happened around the same time we sent out our save the date magnets to everyone. So there is now the public commitment to our lifetime commitment.

 

Hawk... this girl is kind of an ass. There are a lot of molehills and no mountains in sight.

 

That said you've been kind of a jerk as well... and you know that because it's sounds like you've been living with a 24/7 guilt trip recording.

 

I say you owe her some stuff, but honestly... you should move on. She is immature, whiney, selfish, spoiled, and I could really just keep going on forever.

 

IF you try to make this work with her and you get married, she will cheat on you some day. I can hear her words being repeated through you... and she feels that you must treat her like a princess every waking second of the day... because she deserves it.

 

I understand if you think you love her and want things to work. For that I will just say thank you for saving the rest of us guys from dealing with her!

[soserious1]

Just popping in here to offer an alternative point of view

 

2 people make a major move to help one person take over their family's business

one of the people loses their job, has to sell their car in order to finance the move, that person is now sitting there unemployed, with no money of their own, no car in a strange city far from home. The person on whom they are now totally dependent does things like kissing strippers.

 

Not for nothing here but I'd be totally freaked out & questioning what the heck kind of mess I'd gotten myself into.Of course she feels trapped, because she literally is trapped! Why not address these concerns first, the woman needs a job in her field & a car just to restore some sense of ability to care for herself & her personal diginty.

[HawksRule]

Just popping in here to offer an alternative point of view

 

2 people make a major move to help one person take over their family's business

one of the people loses their job, has to sell their car in order to finance the move, that person is now sitting there unemployed, with no money of their own, no car in a strange city far from home. The person on whom they are now totally dependent does things like kissing strippers.

 

Not for nothing here but I'd be totally freaked out & questioning what the heck kind of mess I'd gotten myself into.Of course she feels trapped, because she literally is trapped! Why not address these concerns first, the woman needs a job in her field & a car just to restore some sense of ability to care for herself & her personal diginty.

 

 

Thanks for the alternative view. Well her Mom is helping her find a car, which I think will definitely help her feel like she has more to her name. As for her job, she is working part time right now, which will hopefully turn full time in about a month. I am seriously hoping when it turns full time and she settles in a little more with the new pay (despite it being dramatically less than her pay before), that with her new friends she can call her own. I think she will feel wonders better about herself. I'm trying to convince her that we are working on helping her get back on her feet first, then worry about the "us" thing later...but of course not forget about "us".

 

I think my main worry is that this feeling of being unsure/trapped for her may go on for so long that even when she is feeling more independent and less trapped...she'll be thoroughly done with us because she had the feeling of being unsure and trapped for so long. But I guess that's life.

 

As for my car thing. I brought up the idea that I was going to get rid of it for reasons that...well 1) if we are to stay together, we don't need a constant reminder everyday that I made a stupid selfish move of picking my comfort over her own stability. 2) if she were to leave me, I don't need the reminder everyday that i chose a car over my fiancee. She told me it would be dumb (i would owe the bank 6k for a car I only owned for 2 months), and that the damage was done already and that it would just make her feel more guilty. Should I just still get rid of it. Again if it would make her happy this car is not worth it to me to keep, but again I just dont want to get rid of it and have her feel more guilty and have more reason to resent me.

[soserious1]

Thanks for the alternative view. Well her Mom is helping her find a car, which I think will definitely help her feel like she has more to her name. As for her job, she is working part time right now, which will hopefully turn full time in about a month. I am seriously hoping when it turns full time and she settles in a little more with the new pay (despite it being dramatically less than her pay before), that with her new friends she can call her own. I think she will feel wonders better about herself. I'm trying to convince her that we are working on helping her get back on her feet first, then worry about the "us" thing later...but of course not forget about "us".

 

I think my main worry is that this feeling of being unsure/trapped for her may go on for so long that even when she is feeling more independent and less trapped...she'll be thoroughly done with us because she had the feeling of being unsure and trapped for so long. But I guess that's life.

 

As for my car thing. I brought up the idea that I was going to get rid of it for reasons that...well 1) if we are to stay together, we don't need a constant reminder everyday that I made a stupid selfish move of picking my comfort over her own stability. 2) if she were to leave me, I don't need the reminder everyday that i chose a car over my fiancee. She told me it would be dumb (i would owe the bank 6k for a car I only owned for 2 months), and that the damage was done already and that it would just make her feel more guilty. Should I just still get rid of it. Again if it would make her happy this car is not worth it to me to keep, but again I just dont want to get rid of it and have her feel more guilty and have more reason to resent me.

 

 

Let me get this straight, she sold her car in order to help finance a move that would better "us" ie the 2 of you as a couple? She gave up her job to enable you to take over your family's business? The 2 of you get out there & instead of using the free car your family offered you spend several K on a new car for yourself while leaving her without a vehicle? She's now making half the money she used to earn & has to basically accept charity from her mother in order to get transportation?

 

It sounds to me like she was very much thinking in terms of "we" & "us" & while you might have been paying lip service to that, your actions were "Me" & "I" based once you two made the move.

 

I don't like game playing or indirect passive aggressive stuff & IMHO your girl is guilty of that.. however I do believe that she's more than likely freaked out

& questioning her decision to marry you with some good reason here.

 

Rather than sell the car which would be foolish as it would add even more fiscal burden to "us" should you decide to stay together, why not a serious, sit down conversation about topics like division of bills, finances, what will happen if you two have a child? will all of her money go towards the daycare fee & household bills while yours is spent however you want?? What will happen should either of you get sick? What if an opportunity to substantially better her career came along, would you give up as much as she has to make that happen?

[HawksRule]

Let me get this straight, she sold her car in order to help finance a move that would better "us" ie the 2 of you as a couple? She gave up her job to enable you to take over your family's business? The 2 of you get out there & instead of using the free car your family offered you spend several K on a new car for yourself while leaving her without a vehicle? She's now making half the money she used to earn & has to basically accept charity from her mother in order to get transportation?

 

It sounds to me like she was very much thinking in terms of "we" & "us" & while you might have been paying lip service to that, your actions were "Me" & "I" based once you two made the move.

 

I don't like game playing or indirect passive aggressive stuff & IMHO your girl is guilty of that.. however I do believe that she's more than likely freaked out

& questioning her decision to marry you with some good reason here.

 

Rather than sell the car which would be foolish as it would add even more fiscal burden to "us" should you decide to stay together, why not a serious, sit down conversation about topics like division of bills, finances, what will happen if you two have a child? will all of her money go towards the daycare fee & household bills while yours is spent however you want?? What will happen should either of you get sick? What if an opportunity to substantially better her career came along, would you give up as much as she has to make that happen?

 

No, you and my girlfriend/fiancee are both right. i have be I did added up. and I'm sure you're completely right that for good reasons as listed above, it has caused her to question her future with me. Which is why she's so unsure in the first place.

 

Right now it's difficult to present any serious stuff with her, because yeah I just don't want her to feel like every time she's with me I'm smothering her with things to try and make "us" work when she's so unsure about the whole thing.

 

I know things for her are finally starting to pick up. She's getting a car soon, her job may be turning full time the end of this month. She also has told me how it's hard for her to focus on us, when she's so focused on herself right now (which makes sense). I just don't want "us" to drift off in the process.

 

Trying to figure out the right moments when to bring up any serious ideas/options for her. Things like joint checking accounts so we can share bills the correct way.

 

I know one major thing she also gave up on this move was putting her school on hold again. I did make the offer yesterday that until she can make residency (and bring tuition down to a point that's affordable). I could at least pay for one class for her so it'll help her not lose the "school mode" before she can fully start up again. and she actually said ok. So i guess that's some progress.

 

I am fully willing to do anything and everything for this girl. But yeah I just don't want to do too little, too much, hard to find that delicate balance.

[SweetD]

- Romance - I am trying my best to not go over the top, but show her, that she does mean the world to me, and I was stupid not to show her that before.

 

BAM thats your problem right there. If you are expecting to somehow "subliminally" get your message across that you love and need her, its not gonna work. From where I'm sitting, she is sick of the same, she is sick of the routine of things. So sending her lovey text messages or cooking a nice dinner is the same old boring blah blah. Its not going to have the same effect as BIG things. Women like over-the-top, unexpected romantic gestures, period. You think I'm exagerating? Watch ANY romantic movie. They resonate so strongly with women because it depicts the "ideal" romance/man. And what kind of effort do these "movie" men put forth? It's always an exaggerated, over the top gesture of love. Take the Notebook for example, one of the number one romance movies of our generation...the guy climbed a ferris wheel for freegen's sakes. Or how about Edward in Twilight...is just as expressive. I mean he was willing to cross over to the other world for her for cripes sakes. Now clearly, as well-educated, independent women we all know these depictions aren't reality. It is, however, our FANTASY. It is the equivalent of men having a particular kink ______ (insert yours here) that they really deep down wish their wife/girlfriend would do. While you don't necessarily expect it, having your fantasy fulfilled makes you forget what you were so angry for in the first place.

[HawksRule]

BAM thats your problem right there. If you are expecting to somehow "subliminally" get your message across that you love and need her, its not gonna work. From where I'm sitting, she is sick of the same, she is sick of the routine of things. So sending her lovey text messages or cooking a nice dinner is the same old boring blah blah. Its not going to have the same effect as BIG things. Women like over-the-top, unexpected romantic gestures, period. You think I'm exagerating? Watch ANY romantic movie. They resonate so strongly with women because it depicts the "ideal" romance/man. And what kind of effort do these "movie" men put forth? It's always an exaggerated, over the top gesture of love. Take the Notebook for example, one of the number one romance movies of our generation...the guy climbed a ferris wheel for freegen's sakes. Or how about Edward in Twilight...is just as expressive. I mean he was willing to cross over to the other world for her for cripes sakes. Now clearly, as well-educated, independent women we all know these depictions aren't reality. It is, however, our FANTASY. It is the equivalent of men having a particular kink ______ (insert yours here) that they really deep down wish their wife/girlfriend would do. While you don't necessarily expect it, having your fantasy fulfilled makes you forget what you were so angry for in the first place.

 

 

thanks. okay so over the top is good. I'll admit you may be right. All the sweet things I'm doing right now which most guys would say "you're doing too much too soon" happens to be working pretty well. She's definitely loving all of them...hmm any ideas on other cool things I can do. I would climb a ferris wheel for her, but there is none around lol.

 

One of the projects I have in mind is learning how to play and sing a very special song for us (and I have no musical talent whatsoever). a Buddy of mine told me this would be a bad idea...but maybe it isn't?

[HawksRule]

*Update* - So things are still random with us. I've done my best to take the positive approach on things. i.e. rather than point fingers, seek dirt, etc. Just try to be the loving person, she fell in love with, while at the same time finding some way to give her space.

 

Anyway yeah she's definitely real hot/cold.

 

Friday night- we actually went out. I appreciated she took the chance to try going out with me again. She seemed to have fun when we were dancing. Then when taking a picture with her at one of the bars she gave me the codeword for "I feel smothered". I backed off. Rest of the night was bad, we slept in other rooms for most of the night until she finally came to bed.

 

Saturday Night - Iffy most of the day/night. she went out with her friends that night. She came home okay. I probably chose the wrong time to ask this question "how do you want me to treat you" because right now I have no idea if she wants be to keep trying to make things work or stay the hell away from her. her response was I don't know, and "see this is why I don't want to be in a relationship, i want to go out at night and not have to come home and be analyzed/questioned". I really asked the question just so i could figure out a way to stop getting on her nerves, but yeah opposite effect there.

 

Sunday morning - iffy, afternoon/evening...after a day at the beach with her family and nieces...we were golden she was extremely loving, wanted to have kids with me and talk about that future, massages, kisses, make outs, cuddling, etc.)

 

Today was okay. then I kind of messed it up. I noticed our intimacy has gone down the past 3 weeks. I'm sure major factors are: family staying with us currently, and our current relationship status. But one thing I stumbled upon was how BC can have an effect on it as well (she just started it recently). Anyway brought it up to her, probably was a bad idea. So she's back to mad at me.

 

 

Okay I know I need to keep reminding myself to stop asking stupid/serious questions until she's in a somewhat good mood (or maybe not ask them at all).

 

But yeah I'm definitely walking on egg shells with her. I have no idea how to treat her, how much space to give her etc. I feel like it's not even by day, but by hour she's hot/cold.

 

if I'm distant - sometimes that's what she needs, other times probably wrong thing to do.

 

If I'm close - sometimes she loves it, other times I'm smothering her.

 

Problem is yes we live together, and she won't move out because it would involve her accepting hand outs to do so. I can't move out (she won't let me).

 

So yeah, just really seeking some advice. I do want to salvage whatever may be left. How do I give her the right amount of space, but still be there for her when she wants me?

[giotto]

the only way you can sort this out is to have a temporary separation. Move out for a month and see how it goes... I think she needs to grow up a bit - actually, both of you...

[that girl]

I completely get why your girlfriend wants to leave. You've kissed another woman, instigated a break in the relationship, caused her to move far away from family (financing the move with her car and interupting her career), and upgraded your own car rather than putting that money towards one for her.

 

You talk about how you were building your career for the two of you, but you sound very selfish and I'm not sure you have really owned that. Your successful career doesn't mean anything to you two as a couple if what it takes to get that successful career makes her miserable. You don't seem ready for marriage.

 

She told me it would be dumb (i would owe the bank 6k for a car I only owned for 2 months), and that the damage was done already and that it would just make her feel more guilty. Should I just still get rid of it. Again if it would make her happy this car is not worth it to me to keep, but again I just dont want to get rid of it and have her feel more guilty and have more reason to resent me.

The damage is done.

 

One of the projects I have in mind is learning how to play and sing a very special song for us (and I have no musical talent whatsoever). a Buddy of mine told me this would be a bad idea...but maybe it isn't?

This is still more about you than her. Rather than making an actual sacrifice, you're going to put time and energy into something that likely already interests you in order to perform.

 

I noticed our intimacy has gone down the past 3 weeks. I'm sure major factors are: family staying with us currently, and our current relationship status. But one thing I stumbled upon was how BC can have an effect on it as well (she just started it recently). Anyway brought it up to her, probably was a bad idea. So she's back to mad at me.

 

Dude, she's halfway out the door. Of course she isn't sleeping with you! Again, selfish.

 

I think a separation is a good idea, but you can't force her to move out.

 

I think you should look into some kind of individual counselling to work on your selfishness. That would be a gesture of remorse and frankly, I think you need to work out some issues.

[HawksRule]

I completely get why your girlfriend wants to leave. You've kissed another woman, instigated a break in the relationship, caused her to move far away from family (financing the move with her car and interupting her career), and upgraded your own car rather than putting that money towards one for her.

 

You talk about how you were building your career for the two of you, but you sound very selfish and I'm not sure you have really owned that. Your successful career doesn't mean anything to you two as a couple if what it takes to get that successful career makes her miserable. You don't seem ready for marriage.

 

 

The damage is done.

 

 

This is still more about you than her. Rather than making an actual sacrifice, you're going to put time and energy into something that likely already interests you in order to perform.

 

 

Dude, she's halfway out the door. Of course she isn't sleeping with you! Again, selfish.

 

I think a separation is a good idea, but you can't force her to move out.

 

I think you should look into some kind of individual counselling to work on your selfishness. That would be a gesture of remorse and frankly, I think you need to work out some issues.

 

 

Thank you for your honest opinion. I know my selfishness has caused our problems and has made me lose her trust. I truly do want to work on anything to make us work. If that means I need to see an individual counselor in addition to MC, I will do it. I want to do it. I want to be fair in this relationship, even if at first it may seem like I'm putting her above me (due to my own selfish nature). If I do go to IC, should I do it secretly, or let her know that I am actively willing to do whatever it takes?

 

I did offer one thing to her like she can go to school full time and finally finish school while I handle the bills and take care of us financially. But she didn't want to go that route because it would make her more dependent on me. I'm just out of ideas. You're right I can't force her to move out, because she does need to have that control in life. But yeah she feels she can't move out, so how do I still give her that space? But yeah I'm just in a tight spot. I want to give her whatever she wants and at the same time repair myself and bring back that man she fell in love with and we can grow together. Anyway she seemed up for MC (even though we;re not married) last night so that's also a good sign.

 

Thank you for your honesty. I am truly willing to do anything for her because I do love her, I'm just running out of ideas.

[HawksRule]

the only way you can sort this out is to have a temporary separation. Move out for a month and see how it goes... I think she needs to grow up a bit - actually, both of you...

 

 

She won't let me move out, and she doesn't have the money to move out, nor will take money from me so she can.

[Woggle]

I would give her a timeline on when she has to be out. You have no obligation to put up with her crap because she can't get her head on straight.

[Pickles4Breakfast]

Let me get this straight:

 

She goes out four nights a week with her male friends?

 

When she went out with you she didn't want anyone to think of you as a couple--no public photos of the two of you together?

 

Odds are she's involved with someone else already, just planning her exit strategy right now.

[that girl]

HawksRule- You can tell her you are going to counselling but it shouldn't be "look how much I am willing to do to keep you." You need to acknowledge your contributions to this relationship failing and whether or not she sticks around, I think you need to work on your issues.

[whichwayisup]

She can't afford to move out, yet she has the money to go out four nights a week? Trust me, she can borrow money from a friend, from family.

[giotto]

She won't let me move out

 

she can't have her cake and eat it... she is not happy, you move out... no questions!