Don't neglect your friends!

[HeavenOrHell]

One thing which worries me when I hear how much contact some of you have in your LDR's (same applies to local relationships too) is that if you're concentrating so totally on each other, some of you've said how you talk "all the time," this means you must be neglecting the rest of your life and your friends?

I'm trying to keep a balance of talking to my partner as well as seeing my friends and keeping up a balance of all things in my life, I see this as healthy for me and also; if we split I don't want to be lonely as hell

My ex left (we lived together) after 18 years as the last 3 years I had too much of an independent life and he didn't feel included/important to me anymore, so with my current partner I want him to feel loved/needed/important but also don't want to neglect the rest of my life, as much as I would love to be on the phone or skype for hours at a time, I don't think it would be good for me.

My friends have always been as important as my partner, that will never change, of course my partner is important to me in a different way and is the closest person to me, although I have some friends I've had for over 20 years and mean the world to me. I've never neglected my friends, and never will

I realise it's far easier for me than some of you though as we are able to meet every 6-8 weeks.

[carvidep]

That's always been a rule that I follow as well. It was a lot easier in the beginning of my LDR when I was finishing my degree and lived where all of my friends lived. Now I live 45 minutes away from them. I used to make the commute quite often but it's starting to take a toll on the pocket book, and now almost all of them are either back in school or working so we barely see each other any more.

 

I need to fix that before I leave the country in a few weeks.

 

It's great that you still have that close of a bond with some of your friends after 20 years. I think a great way to help him feel included would be to take him out with your friends when he visits, and keep him updated on the things that you do with them. Even mention here and there that "so and so says hi," etc.

 

In my opinion, there's absolutely no reason why our time and attention shouldn't be balanced evenly between our SO and our friends.

[Citizen Erased]

I sometimes see my friends more than I did before us, sometimes less. My friends are fairly used to me not always wanting to hang out, I'm not exactly a partier like most of them are (we're all 22-24).

 

We may talk every chance we get but one of us isn't going to stay home some nights when we have been invited out just so we can skype. That's not an expectation either of us has of the other. We talk when we get home from work, before and we email during work. This is time I would normally not be spending with my friends and family anyway. And then on weekends when we're both home. I guess though, our time zone differences make it easier for us to have large chunks of time to spend with the other people in our lives.

 

I will be spending a lot more time with my friends and family in the coming months than I have the last couple of years. Need as much quality time as possible before I leave.

[Romance]

Yeah, I don't have this problem at all. My boyfriend would never ever stay in just to skype to me or talk on the phone to me. And I don't expect him too.

 

however it does kinda feel like we don't fit into each others daily lives or ever will.

 

we text a majority of the day, with a phone call for a bit a few nights a week. I wish it was more. However, I guess I am the "less busy" one in the relationship. He is older than me and of drinking age and has a lot of friends. I am not of drinking age and all of my friends have left me to go to college, so i spend a lot of evenings alone, which is depressing..but i don't expect my SO to fill that void with phone calls and skype.

[aerogurl87]

Well all my friends are off at college doing the whole partying thing, so our friendships are going through the usual slight fall off in communication till our breaks come around. Then everyone comes home and we hang out and talk more. Honestly though I keep in touch with my friends on a regular basis, but they know I won't call them unless I actually have something to say to them. I'm not one to just pop in to "say hello". And with the big fall out between my ex "best friend" recently alot of our mutual friends are trying to adjust to that situation as my ex "best friend" has been downing me and my boyfriend saying that he's making me cut off everyone so he can have me to himself.

[Omei]

Friends are important and so is family. My friend lives far away I only get to see her once a month and parents also live 2 hours out of town overall I don't get out much. My bf has lots of friends and lots of family hes off out there often. But we do make nights to spend hours together and weekends we usually spend all day together, gaming watching movies w/e we do. We try to include each other as much as possible its very important to us we're best friends as well being lovers, you have more free time when you're young maybe.

[LittleTiger]

One thing which worries me when I hear how much contact some of you have in your LDR's (same applies to local relationships too) is that if you're concentrating so totally on each other, some of you've said how you talk "all the time," this means you must be neglecting the rest of your life and your friends?

I'm trying to keep a balance of talking to my partner as well as seeing my friends and keeping up a balance of all things in my life, I see this as healthy for me and also; if we split I don't want to be lonely as hell

My ex left (we lived together) after 18 years as the last 3 years I had too much of an independent life and he didn't feel included/important to me anymore, so with my current partner I want him to feel loved/needed/important but also don't want to neglect the rest of my life, as much as I would love to be on the phone or skype for hours at a time, I don't think it would be good for me.

My friends have always been as important as my partner, that will never change, of course my partner is important to me in a different way and is the closest person to me, although I have some friends I've had for over 20 years and mean the world to me. I've never neglected my friends, and never will

I realise it's far easier for me than some of you though as we are able to meet every 6-8 weeks.

 

Whilst I totally agree that neglecting other aspects of your life to focus completely on your partner at the exclusion of all else is a bad thing, I think the first bolded section here has a causal link with the first.

 

In a mature, long term relationship or marriage, your partner should be THE number one person in your life (at least until you have children). Outside interests are important and healthy, and friendships should be nurtured but you have to find the correct balance.

 

If your relationship is not your no.1 priority (unless you have a partner who also puts you equal with his/her friends , which sounds more like a teenagers' relationship to me!) it isn't likely to survive long term. (NB: I realise you're not a teenager so my apologies for the analogy - no offence intended).

 

I'm also surprised that you're in a 'committed' LDR if you think there's a chance you may split. Of course, in relationships there are no guarantees, but I couldn't put up with being apart from my man for such long periods if I had any thoughts at all of us splitting up. It just wouldn't be worth all the heartache for me unless I thought it was for keeps.

 

(And before you call me naive or idealistic, I am 45 and divorced).

 

Just my opinion.

[aerogurl87]

Whilst I totally agree that neglecting other aspects of your life to focus completely on your partner at the exclusion of all else is a bad thing, I think the first bolded section here has a causal link with the first.

 

In a mature, long term relationship or marriage, your partner should be THE number one person in your life (at least until you have children). Outside interests are important and healthy, and friendships should be nurtured but you have to find the correct balance.

 

If your relationship is not your no.1 priority (unless you have a partner who also puts you equal with his/her friends , which sounds more like a teenagers' relationship to me!) it isn't likely to survive long term. (NB: I realise you're not a teenager so my apologies for the analogy - no offence intended).

 

I'm also surprised that you're in a 'committed' LDR if you think there's a chance you may split. Of course, in relationships there are no guarantees, but I couldn't put up with being apart from my man for such long periods if I had any thoughts at all of us splitting up. It just wouldn't be worth all the heartache for me unless I thought it was for keeps.

 

(And before you call me naive or idealistic, I am 45 and divorced).

 

Just my opinion.

 

I have to agree with LittleTiger. My friends are important, but my relationship is above my friendships. This is the reason I lost my "friend" because she wanted me to choose between him and her (which it didn't have to come down to, but she pushed it to that) and she got upset when I chose him. Yes relationships don't always last forever, but I also don't plan to marry my friends and hopefully start a family with them one day. Nurture the home first, and outside sources after.

[LisaLee]

Neither of us have chosen to Skype with each other over going out with friends that I am aware of, although it has led to some problems in the past. With us it can easily get to a point where someone is being neglected (usually me, as I don't go out as often as he does). It wouldn't be that big of a deal if he went out and came home at a reasonable time. But when my SO goes to hang out with his friends he leaves by 7pm and is gone until 4-5am in the morning. Then he sleeps until 3, only to go out in the evening a couple of hours later. Coupling this with class and/ or work all day leads to us not seeing or talking to each other much. We have gone days without skyping because of this pattern, which to most people is no biggie, but going even 1 day without skyping for us is highly unusual and something we prefer not to do.

 

So although I really want him to go out and have fun with his friends and he wants the same from me it has led to issues. He made plans to go out on our anniversary which made me feel like $h!t. He made plans to go out after we made plans to discuss some very important things the night before (we also made these plans while he was already out). We never talked about those things because he went and hung out with his friends.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am always happy when my SO gets to go out and have a nice time with his friends. It is just when I feel like he is putting them over me that can be a problem.

 

Moral of the story: Obviously don't be neglectful of your friends, but also don't be neglectful of your SO. It's a fine line.

Edited September 12, 2010 by LisaLee

[Omei]

Yes relationships don't always last forever, but I also don't plan to marry my friends and hopefully start a family with them one day. Nurture the home first, and outside sources after.

 

Haha so true I feel the same way.

[HeavenOrHell]

Hi LittleTiger, I've been meaning to reply to your message for a while

My ex was the most important person and 'aspect' (for want of a better word) in my life, but friends are as important too in a different way, hard to explain and it sounds contradictory I know. Put it this way I loved my ex and was closest to him than all my friends put together, he was my best friend, soul mate, as well as my partner. I made a huge mistake when I took too much on in my life and neglected him, it was mostly work I neglected him with rather than friends. Although I have a feeling we were growing apart anyway and my work was a consequence of that, I think he left me to be with an old friend of mine, although he does not admit to that, I do feel all the 'blame' (he didn't accuse me as such but says the reasons he left were purely neglect) for our break up was put at my door as no way would he want to admit to himself or me that he left me for her ultimately. We're still good friends, which I really value and he knows how deeply sorry I was/am for my part in our break up. We've talked about it a lot, I feel lucky we have been able to communicate and that it didn't end up in bitterness, we will always love each other (as friends now) our fondness for each other is obvious.

I am doing things differently with my new relationship, sometimes I worry I make him too much the centre of my life as I've toned down my work a lot (toned it down to try and save my last relationship and cos I was heading for nervous exhaustion) leaving me with more free time, I distract myself too much with thoughts of him or looking for him on facebook while he's at work, I work part time now and he's full time. I think it is just cos of the distance because if we saw each other weekly or whatever I wouldn't be missing him and looking for him daily so much.

I'm trying to get the balance right

I didn't realise the extent that my ex was the priority in my life until he said he might be leaving me, I tried desperately to put things right but it was too late

In my last relationship I didn't worry about us splitting up, I feel I was TOO secure about us, he left me twice about 11 years ago as we were in a rut (both our faults, I wasn't overly busy back then, wasn't neglecting him) and when he came back he said he would never leave me again and that he couldn't live without me and why did he ever leave, and that it made him cringe to think about it etc etc, and I know he meant it, and I trusted and believed him, and we were closer for many years until I got really busy and then my old friend which he used to fancy came back on the scene and then he said he didn't know how he felt about me I cannot forgive this friend for not giving me and my ex space to try to work things out last year, she put herself first and that still hurts. I wish he was with someone I liked and could be friends with.

I do have trouble believing stuff my partner says sometimes, because if my ex said all that and still left then how can I believe what people say?

So, while I agree a relationship cannot be filled with cynicism about the future or with thinking it is bound to end in tears, it is also good to not be overly secure, ie don't take things for granted, and just give it your best shot and believe that things will hopefully work out, while keeping in mind there are no guarantees.

I was very cynical to begin with in my new relationship and that's why I couldn't think about the future and my partner was hurt by that, but I'm slowly learning to trust and he's right in saying he can't be in a relationship which is built on fear of what might happen, I don't want that

 

For many years my ex was too dependent on me, had only one friend and wasn't working (suffered with depression) and I felt a pressure to provide all his entertainment so to speak, so he was doing the opposite of what I was doing which was unhealthy too. We both had the balance wrong.

 

I should have said that me and my partner are on the phone for hours sometimes or online for hours, but not every day.

 

Whilst I totally agree that neglecting other aspects of your life to focus completely on your partner at the exclusion of all else is a bad thing, I think the first bolded section here has a causal link with the first.

 

In a mature, long term relationship or marriage, your partner should be THE number one person in your life (at least until you have children). Outside interests are important and healthy, and friendships should be nurtured but you have to find the correct balance.

 

If your relationship is not your no.1 priority (unless you have a partner who also puts you equal with his/her friends , which sounds more like a teenagers' relationship to me!) it isn't likely to survive long term. (NB: I realise you're not a teenager so my apologies for the analogy - no offence intended).

 

I'm also surprised that you're in a 'committed' LDR if you think there's a chance you may split. Of course, in relationships there are no guarantees, but I couldn't put up with being apart from my man for such long periods if I had any thoughts at all of us splitting up. It just wouldn't be worth all the heartache for me unless I thought it was for keeps.

 

(And before you call me naive or idealistic, I am 45 and divorced).

 

Just my opinion.

Edited September 22, 2010 by HeavenOrHell

[aerogurl87]

HeavenorHell I believe your ex had a valid reason for leaving if you were putting everything ahead of him. Yes work and friends are important, but so is your mate. No one wants to be in a relationship where they feel like they are not your number 1 priority. Also pushing yourself deeper into other things rather than attempting to fix issues doesn't help either. When you start to feel you and your partner are drifting apart is the time to put working on the relationship into high gear. Not turning to outside sources hoping the internal issues will fix themselves over time. My boyfriend works alot, but he works alot of hours for us. That is what makes the difference for me. If he was just working a ton cause he was a workaholic or obsessed with making it to the top and forgetting about nurturing our relationship I'd probably leave. But he took his job so he can make a better future for both of us. Many people don't get the difference between the two until it's too late. Anyway happy you've learned from your mistake and good luck in your new relationship.

[HeavenOrHell]

It's ok, I get this, and have bitterly regretted it and beaten myself up over and over about it, for not trying to put things right until it was too late, he wanted me to try but also said he was worried it was too late, he also said; don't regret what happened cos it could eat you up forever, so that's what I'm trying to do, and making sure I don't make the same mistakes again, my partner knows what happened with me and my ex, he says I make him feel loved and special, so I must be doing something right

 

 

 

HeavenorHell I believe your ex had a valid reason for leaving if you were putting everything ahead of him. Yes work and friends are important, but so is your mate. No one wants to be in a relationship where they feel like they are not your number 1 priority. Also pushing yourself deeper into other things rather than attempting to fix issues doesn't help either. When you start to feel you and your partner are drifting apart is the time to put working on the relationship into high gear. Not turning to outside sources hoping the internal issues will fix themselves over time. My boyfriend works alot, but he works alot of hours for us. That is what makes the difference for me. If he was just working a ton cause he was a workaholic or obsessed with making it to the top and forgetting about nurturing our relationship I'd probably leave. But he took his job so he can make a better future for both of us. Many people don't get the difference between the two until it's too late. Anyway happy you've learned from your mistake and good luck in your new relationship.

[aerogurl87]

It's ok, I get this, and have bitterly regretted it and beaten myself up over and over about it, for not trying to put things right until it was too late, he wanted me to try but also said he was worried it was too late, he also said; don't regret what happened cos it could eat you up forever, so that's what I'm trying to do, and making sure I don't make the same mistakes again, my partner knows what happened with me and my ex, he says I make him feel loved and special, so I must be doing something right

 

I agree with your ex, don't let it eat you up inside. Mistakes are only worth making if you learn from them which I think you have.

[LittleTiger]

It's funny HOH, having more or less disagreed with your original post, now you've given a bit more detail, I can totally relate to a lot of what you're saying.

 

I'm still friends with my ex too and there aren't many people who can say that. I was also 100% secure in my relationship. We had been friends for 37 years when we split and together as a couple for almost 14. I expected us to be together for life - an invincible partnership . How wrong can you be. Things went wrong, he wouldn't do anything to sort it and then he bolted. All our friends and both our families were as shocked as I was. That's quite a deep level of trust to break and not easy to get over.

 

One of the reasons that I don't want to emigrate to NZ is because of what my ex did. I do believe that my kiwi man and I will be together for the rest of our lives BUT I thought that last time - so there's a chance I'm wrong. Enough of a chance that I'm not prepared risk uprooting my whole life and I'm willing to live with being away from him for large chunks of the year for the foreseeable future.

 

I do totally trust what he says when he talks about our future, but that's mainly because I know he has more staying power than my ex. He stood by his ex for 15 years despite some apalling behaviour on her part and he approaches problems head on rather than 'running for cover' as my ex used to do. Your new partner is a different person from your ex so really there is no reason to believe he will act in the same way if things get tough and you've said yourself that you are already doing things differently this time around.

 

I do find that balance you talk about very difficult to maintain but I always put my partner first. Living on opposite sides of the world the time difference is either 11 or 13 hours (depending on time of year) and that can make contact difficult. He also works full time shifts and I run a business from home so it's me who has to work around his availability and that can be tough at times.

 

We interact like a married couple (albeit 12000 miles apart). When we're 'together' online, which we are as often as possible (usually twice a day), we're talking about our normal lives rather than playing computer games etc like a lot of others in LDRs do. We talk for hours if we can and we don't need to find things to talk about or to do together online. There isn't enough time to talk about the things we have to discuss. We feel we need that time in order to maintain our relationship. We also both spend time with our friends but I will go out of my way to make sure it doesn't interfere with 'our' time.

 

Finding the balance must be especially hard for you but you seem to be doing really well. If your ex has forgiven you, which he obviously has, you should learn to forgive yourself too. Having had a long term relationship go wrong, the most important thing is to learn from our mistakes and it sounds as though you have learnt a lot - about yourself and about making relationships work. So, in my book, that means this time you have a better chance.

 

Your fear of putting too much of yourself into your relationship is understandable, especially in an LDR, but I believe that not giving enough of ourselves is much more likely to destroy things than giving too much. Perhaps the most important balance is between the individuals. That the investment in the relationship is the same on both sides.