Ex Broke NC. Wants Me "in His Life in Some Way." What are His Intentions?

[Gossamer]

Hi all. I haven't gotten any responses yet and I realize that I may not have posed a question. I also may have gotten myself into some trouble by advancing the notion of friendship after he dumped me in a very abrupt and cruel way. He has contacted me recently, 3 weeks after I invoked NC, to request a meeting so that I could express myself, so that we could be on speaking terms.

 

I was emotionally overwhelmed after the breakup, had hoped to hear from him, and now it doesn't feel like it's enough in that he is not making himself vulnerable.

 

He has called 2x over the past few days, but I have not called him back as his messages don't contain much content.

 

Can anyone relate to this?

 

Opinions would really help me consider some things I'm perhaps not considering.

 

Thanks!

 

/Gossamer

 

 

Abruptly Binned Like Rubbish on a Bus Platform, Out of City, on Our Date.

Hi All.

 

I‘ve been reading savvy postings on here, as well as insightful responses, and hope to find and give some support. Reading this forum in times of intense pain saved me from burrowing more deeply into my rabbit hole of despair, anger, grief, self-doubt and at-first, the panic attacks. I begged him to reconsider his impulsive decision after a year into our relationship, and was the one to make contact after he coldly dumped me. But he would not reconsider. The thing I did learn when I called him after he abruptly dumped me, was that he had been harbouring enourmous grudges against me, some, based on some faulty presumptions and incorrect information, and that he felt I had picked a fight with him that night. He does admit to having impulsivity and anger management problems, and I did experience his problems in our relationship.

 

To be fair, I had my own share of baggage, and could be difficult as well. I was additionally struggling with losing my job during the recession, and was quite stressed-out in general, and some of the demands of the relationship began to feel unreasonable. But I had wanted to work on our issues, suggested couples’ therapy, and had bought relationship workshop books that I believed could have helped. Though he said it was too late, and that he did not want to work on the relationship.

 

Despite some relationship imbalances, fights and problems, we did work them out, mostly, and he was the best thing that had ever happened to me during the year we were together. He saw me through a very rough time during the recession. I’d never had a boyfriend who was so attentive, supportive, romantic, sensitive, generous and who had made himself indispensable in most every major area of my life. I believe I was the same source of support and love for him, as we had amazing synergy and complementary strengths, personally and professionally.

 

3 weeks after I invoked NC, he saw some of my postings on a mutual friend’s FB profile (I unfriended him soon after he broke up with me). I have been moving on with my life out of necessity, and many of the goals I had been working toward while we were together and I was struggling toward due to the recession, have been coming to fruition.

 

I had made it clear over the months since the breakup that I had wanted to have a face-to-face and “redo” our breakup in a more mature way, because we did become very close friends. He would not grant me a meeting in which I would be able to express myself, I believe because he could not handle the intensity of our emotions since we were fighting more before the breakup. I made it clear to him that he had sabotaged an ending and a potential future friendship, for not allowing me to express myself, authentically.

 

Now he is offering me the “chance” to meet, in person, to express myself, without interruption or judgment, and claims he wants to do what is necessary for us to be on speaking terms. So far, I have had to ask a lot of questions of him about his motivations, and I'm not entirely convinced he really cares about me.

 

I’m not even sure at this point that I want to do this, though I wanted to, at the height of my pain and anger. I am thinking about him a lot, but it just feels like a big mess of my conflicting emotions. I feel like I’ll probably go through with meeting so that I can purge my system of this residual anxiety and feel some more control.

 

Has anyone here experienced anything similar?

 

If so, what did you do?

 

Thanks much!

 

Gossamer

[mindovermatter3]

man, i could have written your post. here is MO: if the meeting is strictly to close that door then do it. if you have expectations of getting your x to come back, its not smart. it will prob open old wounds, unless you have truely moved on, heart and soul. if it is JUST a friendship you wish to gain and you do not feel like you are still in love with him, then go for it. have your say. if there ARE still hurt feelings, then NO. DO NOT DO IT!

[Gossamer]

"man, i could have written your post. here is MO: if the meeting is strictly to close that door then do it. if you have expectations of getting your x to come back, its not smart. it will prob open old wounds, unless you have truely moved on, heart and soul. if it is JUST a friendship you wish to gain and you do not feel like you are still in love with him, then go for it. have your say. if there ARE still hurt feelings, then NO. DO NOT DO IT!"

 

 

Well, your reply made me cry, because it was a combination of a good hug, and cold water splashed on my confusion.

 

mindovermatter3, your reply helped me at a crossroads.

 

I am still so so attached to the person I *knew*. The thing that hurts the most, is that there is a chameleon/shape-shifter in his place.

 

I am still in love with the person he was to me once.

 

But he is not fighting for our relationship anymore.

 

 

After I read your reply, I got really furious, and emailed him to say that he is not mature, emotionally or spiritually attractive to me. I got from him the "you are a wonderful human being" response, as well as "contact me if you feel like it".

 

It's just not enough. I told him (in email, how skating-the-surface he was to contact me on FB, because it's a tool to keep in touch with college friends) that he hasn't done much to reach out to make himself vulnerable, and that I deserve to move on and find love.

 

He had the gall to tell me I was being unfair because I told him that a dealbreaker to meeting him to have my say/closure, was his prospecting/dating after he dumped me like that.

 

He emailed back that I was being "unfair".

 

I ended up ending it again, and my heart is breaking all over again.

 

Sitting here crying at the Starsux. I think I'm gonna go to the gym, and get on with my life, as I have been.

 

The only thing that I know now is to practice Radical Self Care.

 

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your reply mindovermatter3.

 

You really understood where I was in this process, and you recognized that I would be hurting myself if I continued to have contact with someone who threw intimacy away, so callously/cavalierly.

 

Why do they do this?

 

Do they have some sort of personality disorder?

 

Gossamer

[mindovermatter3]

oh girlie! i have asked myself the very same. i am glad i helped, altho i dont feel i did. i think we are going thro the same situation. i too, think i am in love w/ what he used to be. not who he is now. idk. but i do know i feel your pain and confusion. sigh.

[newdawn]

 

[. . .] someone who threw intimacy away, so callously/cavalierly.

 

Why do they do this?

 

Do they have some sort of personality disorder?

 

Gossamer

 

Some of them do - it's called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

In this case, we are objects to them, not people.

 

I am so sorry for your pain, I really don't know what to suggest other than time, and research, but I do like the sound of your Radical Self Care. That sounds very positive and healthy.

 

Meeting up would be inconsistent with Radical Self Care, I think.

[Trovador]

To answer one of your questions, sometimes the other party want us in their life because they still love us, maybe not in the way we want but yet they still do...

 

I stopped wondering why my ex has fought so much for a friendship of sorts between us... I don´t think she was lying when she said that she didn´t have a future with me (true) but she didn´t want a past without me... she could easily move on without me but yet she has broken all my attempts at NC because she still cares a lot about me...

 

I wished mine was a clean break up... it´s up to you if you are happy with that kind of arrangement... I am not... sorry if I digressed...

[Gossamer]

newdawn, thank you for your sensitivity and support. i appreciate it very much. regarding npd, it does seem like some people can fake their way into our lives, and that we find out too late that we are objects to them. i don't know really what to think right now, except that it's effed-up behavior.

 

thank you for that.

 

Trovador, thank you for pointing out that when we get dumped, it can be that the ex's feelings change for us, from "being in love" to "friend love".

 

Right now, I feel his change happened much too abruptly, and without communication, so I'm going NC, breaking all ties.

 

i know your situation is different, and i hope that whether you try to work out a friendship or go NC, you find your personal power and happiness again.

 

you didn't digress, you're sharing an important part of what this feels like with others who are also confused and want direction, so you helped me a lot!! thank you!

 

Gossamer