Introduction from another Statistic

[KarmasTestDummy]

Hi LS! I already shared my story on another post but thought it would be worth while to intro to everyone. I've been lurking this past week after a google search led me' to some archives that really hit home. I hoped my story was unique, but was both sad and relieved to find some comfort in a supportive group of people who know and understand what I'm going through and can hopefully offer up some advice.

A little about me. I guess I can't discuss how I came to be an OW without first acknowledging how I spent 4 years as the BW. I was/I guess legally still am married. My husband cheated on me right after our second child was born.

 

He was worthless already, physically and emotionally abusive. Unable to hold a job or show me an ounce of love or intimacy. He had destroyed my self worth to nothing but broken pieces and therefore I stayed. When he left me for the OW I knew he'd be back. I knew there was nobody who would put up with his issues, and that he would see how lucky he was to have me. 6 weeks later and a complete nervous breakdown on my part, all I hoped for came true when he moved back home and told me it was over. I never knew of her and didn't want to. I was just happy he returned. Not that he returned a better man, but I saw how broken I was and how emotionally codependent I had become, just like all the other women in my family are.

 

A few weeks after he returned home, I noticed he was still very distant. He said a friend of his was going through a rough time, evicted, pregnant, unemployed, alone and had nowhere to go. He said he wished he could help her but with my trust issues with him he knew he could never ask. I didn't want that blame so I told him the friend could crash for a little while at our place if she truly had nowhere to turn. 4 years later, she was still there. She was my best friend now. She had another child in the mix. She was also the OW from the past, and the were his kids. The betrayal was unfathomable. I moved out and have been on my own for over a year now.

 

Through many trials and tribulations and sadly even a setback here and there the divorce will be final in December. Fast forward to 2 months ago. Ichave become whole again. I am strong and independent. I have made something of myself. Went back to school, finished my bachelors degree, am working on my masters. Have a great and fulfilling job and two amazing kids and the most supportive friends. I was ready to trust and love again and be able to accept love, and when I opened my heart to a particular man it was the most instant chemical and physical connection I have ever dreamed possible. I knew his life was 'complicated' as he put it. He had 4 kids and his 'ex' had cheated on him after ten years of marriage.

 

If anyone could understand him and help him find his way, I thought I could. Before I knew what hit me, we were both in love, and he had to tell me the truth. The 'ex' wasn't gone. Not even close. She lived in the home still and they were never separated. She felt he was giving her a second chance and he felt he was waiting for his kids. She had no job, no money, no place to go but to her mother's single wide trailer, and she has an alcohol and drug addiction. He said he would never be able to live with himself if she walked taking his kids with her to live in that environment hours away from him. He needed to bide his time and leave when he had the cards stacked in his favor so he could keep his kids. I stayed. And I stayed as the OW.

 

Something I said I would or could NEVER do. We were not that discreet. Ran off together for long weekends. He would start a fight with her just to be able to pack his bags and say he needed to cool off and he always would end up at my door. Her suspicions began to arise. The fighting began to increase, his depression started to hit him hard and he spent every moment he could trying to shelter his kids from the trauma. A week ago today he told me goodbye. He said he had been selfish to everyone. That he was a fool for thinking he could make it work before he fixed his current circumstances. He said he still loved me but he couldn't in all fairness tie me down and drag

Me through it. He said it wasn't goodbye. That he loved me and he would come back to me as the man I deserve.

 

I waited for two days. I cried, I called all my friends...I listened to every song sad I could find on YouTube and then I believed he was gone. And on the 3rd day NC he texted me. Said he had to see me..he had to talk. I let him, I welcomed him. I ached for him, for the hopeful news he might be bringing. It was in fact good news from my perspective. He busted her still cheating. Found an email account she had created. Discovered her affair had never ended with the OM. He packed his bags and returned to me. By morning he had made an appt with his dr to treat his depression.

 

He had called his lawyer. He asked me the details around the divorce process. We text all day. He went to his mothers after..and she advised him to wait it out, that nothing had changed and he still faced a losing battle if the w left now. He text me again...he was going back to the house. His plan had to proceed as it was before. I was broken again. He continued to text. Said we still couldn't be together but contact remained on and off. After two more days NC he decided he needed to 'check on me'. Nothing more. No status update, no semblance of hope. He said he is merely existing. I told him yesterday morning i was done.

 

I begged a favor and asked for NC. I told him that the contact was tearing me apart. I said I couldn't feel like I was saying goodbye over and over again every time I spoke to him. I said that he had made a decision based on what was best for him and his children and I would never interfere or compete with that and I needed nc to come to terms with acceptance. He said he totally respected that and would oblige. Then at the last moment I threw in the words, 'please not forever'! He responded back one last time, 'no, I will return to you. You have not heard the last of me'.

 

So here I am. A broken woman again. Lost in love that I once again can't escape but can't obtain. I feel disgusted yet I can't look away from the trainwreck in front of me. I'm counting on his return. I cant imagine my life without it. My past tells me' I clearly will survive, be strong, overcome. But today is not that day. I must remain a woman that he respects though. A woman he finds strong, even when I'm not. I can't allow him to watch me' fall to pieces or beg him to pick me' over his children. He will only return to me' if the memories are great, if in his mind I am that powerful independent woman he fell in love with in the first place. He must NEVER see this side of me'.

 

How do I get that woman back? How do I let go and quit pretending he'll be right back? As different as the two scenarios of my life stories are, I have found myself right back in that same place. Desperate, alone, and scared.

Edited September 6, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ellin]

You ARE a strong, wonderful, independent woman - don't ever let yourself think otherwise.

 

A lot has been thrown at you, but you've survived and you will again.

 

You love him and he loves you, but it's just one of these things that are really, really sad, but there's not much that can be done to change it. He is in a very difficult situation indeed. But you know how much he cares about you.

 

In fact, that's why he let you go. If he was selfish, he'd have tried to keep you there for his comfort, even though he'd be putting you through pain. He didn't want to do that. This is real love.

 

You never know what will happen in the future - anything's possible.

 

But for now, just live one day at a time, until you will smile and laugh again, and you know it WILL happen, because time does heal, and for strong people like you, it heals quicker.

 

I wish I could do more to alleviate your pain. You're in my thoughts.

[lilbunny]

Welcome, from, I guess another statistic I'm only sorry it is not in happier circumstances.

 

Ellin is right, you have been through an awful lot and are still here.

 

Give it time, but make sure life carries on for you. Take care of you and your needs.

 

Considering the issues his W seems to have on one hand he is right not to walk away without his kids, but I am surprised that he doesn't already have a strong case for custody.

 

I really hope that things work out for you ((hugs))

[KarmasTestDummy]

You ARE a strong, wonderful, independent woman - don't ever let yourself think otherwise.

 

A lot has been thrown at you, but you've survived and you will again.

 

You love him and he loves you, but it's just one of these things that are really, really sad, but there's not much that can be done to change it. He is in a very difficult situation indeed. But you know how much he cares about you.

 

In fact, that's why he let you go. If he was selfish, he'd have tried to keep you there for his comfort, even though he'd be putting you through pain. He didn't want to do that. This is real love.

 

You never know what will happen in the future - anything's possible.

 

But for now, just live one day at a time, until you will smile and laugh again, and you know it WILL happen, because time does heal, and for strong people like you, it heals quicker.

 

I wish I could do more to alleviate your pain. You're in my thoughts.

 

Ellin your words are so kind and mean so much to me. I don't expect to come here having everyone tell me' it will be okay, but hearing the voice of someone else saying that his words and actions sound like love means the world these days. I truly believe he did it for selfless reasons. I think his actions were far wiser than I ever could have been. I wasn't ever strong enough to put things on hold and give him the time he needed to heal himself and his family. I was and still am the selfish one. I know now this is for the best. I just have to survive it, but I hope for a payoff in the end. We all deserve to be with the one that we love.

[bentnotbroken]

Ellin your words are so kind and mean so much to me. I don't expect to come here having everyone tell me' it will be okay, but hearing the voice of someone else saying that his words and actions sound like love means the world these days. I truly believe he did it for selfless reasons. I think his actions were far wiser than I ever could have been. I wasn't ever strong enough to put things on hold and give him the time he needed to heal himself and his family. I was and still am the selfish one. I know now this is for the best. I just have to survive it, but I hope for a payoff in the end. We all deserve to be with the one that we love.

 

 

Really? Why do you think we all deserve to be with the one we love? Why do you think we deserve anything at all? Why do we deserve some payoff?

[KarmasTestDummy]

Really? Why do you think we all deserve to be with the one we love? Why do you think we deserve anything at all? Why do we deserve some payoff?

 

I suppose your question is very rational. Ultimately we don't deserve anything. We aren't promised or entitled to get what we give and there's no rules of fairness that say it will all work out in the end. I'm an optimist though and I give people the benefit of the doubt and the right to be happy lest their happiness destroys someone else.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Two full days of NC down. This is where he's always broken down and messages me. I know that won't be the case now that I have specifically asked him not to. It's a little sad really, because a part of me wants him to so badly, yet the logical side of me' says he better not. I don't need the heatache. I don't need to start over again. It's the first day back to work after the long holiday weekend. I can't focus, hell I can barely breathe. When does the hurt stop?

[KarmasTestDummy]

How did you get that woman back before? You know you have it in you and I think you know deep down what you have to do. You are NOT broken. You are grieving and that is NORMAL.

 

Now, I have to comment on this image you want him to have of you. That's BS if I've ever heard it. Not BS that you want it, but BS that you feel it's necessary. If someone can't love you for who you are, good and bad, then that's NOT love. If you feel you have to project a specific image, or let him only see one side of you to remain attractive to him, it is NOT a healthy dynamic. More than anything else, I think you should examine THESE feelings more deeply. It indicates much more than what's on the surface. You have to remember that even in your darkest times, you are beautiful and worthy.

 

So, one way to pass the time and start healing is to shift the focus on YOU.

 

That's a very personal question that you're right, I must answer for myself. I hate being vulnerable. It has caused me' nothing buy grief in the past. There is nothing about this relationship that has said I can't show that side of me', but weakness is something I'm used to others taking advantage of. That mostly falls back on my soon to be 'ex' husband. For instance do you think he would have moved his OW into my house had he not knowing I was desperately trying to make him happy and would fall for him tugging on my compassionate side? I don't want to fall to pieces in front of my mm and make him feel guilted into something he doesn't want because he thinks I can't move on. There's women who use that to their advantage. They try to trap a man but even if he comes back I think the foundation is unstable. That's not grounds I want a future built upon.

[In_Repair]

I'm going to have to be a downer again and say that it all sounds like crap to me. His wife is a known drug addict and alcoholic, plus he can prove long term infidelity on her side... how much more does he expect to have the cards stacked in his favor before he leaves? Damn...

[Ellin]

I'm going to have to be a downer again and say that it all sounds like crap to me. His wife is a known drug addict and alcoholic, plus he can prove long term infidelity on her side... how much more does he expect to have the cards stacked in his favor before he leaves? Damn...

 

You don't know his situation. Maybe he needs to be there for his children. Maybe he has no guarantee he'd get custody. Maybe he couldn't manage to look after them on his own and work. Maybe it's so complex that just cannot leave right now (and it usually is in cases of addictions). Maybe he's too depressed to think clearly. Etc...

[Ellin]

Ellin your words are so kind and mean so much to me. I don't expect to come here having everyone tell me' it will be okay, but hearing the voice of someone else saying that his words and actions sound like love means the world these days. I truly believe he did it for selfless reasons. I think his actions were far wiser than I ever could have been. I wasn't ever strong enough to put things on hold and give him the time he needed to heal himself and his family. I was and still am the selfish one. I know now this is for the best. I just have to survive it, but I hope for a payoff in the end. We all deserve to be with the one that we love.

 

I'm glad if I can help even a little bit.

 

I'm sure he loves and misses you. It would be impossible for him not to, after you were so close to each other and went through so much together.

 

I agree with you that we all deserve happiness and love. But achieving it is a bit tricky, because we cannot get what we crave... until we're ready to let go of it and take life as it comes... That's the way things seem to work..

 

I hope I could do more to make you feel better.

Take care.

[KarmasTestDummy]

I'm going to have to be a downer again and say that it all sounds like crap to me. His wife is a known drug addict and alcoholic, plus he can prove long term infidelity on her side... how much more does he expect to have the cards stacked in his favor before he leaves? Damn...

 

It certainly is more complex than that. For one we live in a state that is no fault. Marriages are only dissolved based on irreconcilable differences. You can't bring up issues of adultery and addiction, not to mention custody cases are horribly in favor of the mother around here. Her issues have not been legally documented, ie no stunts in rehab, no DUIs and adultery is not grounds for custody. Pretty much all he has is accusations and heresay. He does work full time and the children are young so he would have to be prepared for arranging child care and transportation. It really is something he must plan in advance and have a lawyer assist with. I wish it were easy to say he should just make her leave...but he knows better. She's not going to walk away from a lifestyle that keeps her comfortable and one she has grown accustomed to just to lose her kids and go stay in a trailer with her mom. Not willingly at least.

[pureinheart]

Hugs and Hi KTM....

 

In your case, with his flip flopping, if I were you I would continue NC until he has D papers and has been D'ed for a considerable amount of time...although don't wait for him to do this...and I assure you, you will get that secure, independant person you once knew:).

[KarmasTestDummy]

Hugs and Hi KTM....

 

In your case, with his flip flopping, if I were you I would continue NC until he has D papers and has been D'ed for a considerable amount of time...although don't wait for him to do this...and I assure you, you will get that secure, independant person you once knew:).

 

Ugggh that's torture! Do you know what you're asking me? Here it takes minimum of 6 months for a default divorce to be final. That's a non-contested one with no assets or custody issues. They have 4 kids, a home, multiple cars, savings, etc and she will want it all...though she has never worked a day in her life. I'm looking at a minimum of a year just for a divorce to be final. At this point I'd settle for her or him moving out and just coming to terms that it's over and that they're both free to see other people and move on.

[BB07]

Hi KTD, it sounds like you have survived a lot of turmoil and pain in your life and you've came out on the other side of it, so kudo's to you.

 

This MM that you are in love with, wow what a mess and he has tons of issues to sort through and a lot of baggage he is going to be carrying into a relationship with you. I get that you love him, but from the sounds of it, it sounds as if he isn't at all in a good place in his own life. Sounds like he has his hands full and it's going to take a long time and a lot of effort to get himself out of the mess he is in and also he needs to make sure his kids are the priority.

 

So..........I suggest you put him and HIS problems on your back burner and let him deal with his stuff. Don't make HIS stuff your problems, after all you can't fix it for him or make it better. He has to deal with it himself. Concentrate on yourself right now and get yourself to a good place, then if he gets his mess straightened out, maybe there is something there for you in the future, but for right now you need to back away. It's the best thing for you and for him and his family.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Hi KTD, it sounds like you have survived a lot of turmoil and pain in your life and you've came out on the other side of it, so kudo's to you.

 

This MM that you are in love with, wow what a mess and he has tons of issues to sort through and a lot of baggage he is going to be carrying into a relationship with you. I get that you love him, but from the sounds of it, it sounds as if he isn't at all in a good place in his own life. Sounds like he has his hands full and it's going to take a long time and a lot of effort to get himself out of the mess he is in and also he needs to make sure his kids are the priority.

 

So..........I suggest you put him and HIS problems on your back burner and let him deal with his stuff. Don't make HIS stuff your problems, after all you can't fix it for him or make it better. He has to deal with it himself. Concentrate on yourself right now and get yourself to a good place, then if he gets his mess straightened out, maybe there is something there for you in the future, but for right now you need to back away. It's the best thing for you and for him and his family.

 

That's almost exactly what he told me. He said he knew my heart was too big not to take it all on as my own problems. He said it's wasn't my burden to carry and I had no ability to fix it for him. Believe it or not he's far more rational than I ever was. I likely would have continued on forever as long as he wanted me, but he said I would have grown to resent him and lose respect for him for not being able to fix it fast enough to suit me. He's probably right. I tried not to be demanding. I never acted judgmental, but I struggled with the 'why can't you just...' and lack of action was getting to me as was being sidelined to after everyone at home had gone to bed. By then he was tired himself and I never felt like I could get him fully. I know I'm not one that could have endured it long-term. Maybe he saw that in me' too. I don't know. Today after a long day, I feel better. This board is doing me' a world of good.

[pureinheart]

Ugggh that's torture! Do you know what you're asking me? Here it takes minimum of 6 months for a default divorce to be final. That's a non-contested one with no assets or custody issues. They have 4 kids, a home, multiple cars, savings, etc and she will want it all...though she has never worked a day in her life. I'm looking at a minimum of a year just for a divorce to be final. At this point I'd settle for her or him moving out and just coming to terms that it's over and that they're both free to see other people and move on.

 

I am just concerned of his flip flopping, although I guess he could do that at any time right?....hey I hear ya, just guard your heart if you can.

 

Oh and sorry for they typo in your user name:o.

 

I just don't want to see you get hurt, and from experience going through a D can be a very grueling ordeal. Since she doesn't have her own income and they have 4 kids together, I can imagine that she will get most everything and then alimony plus child support.

 

ExDM did well in his D, although he called her bluff and had the money and time to do it...also all the kids were grown. He was still scared she would get most of everything even though she had her own income. He began to resent me and blaming me for the stress indirectly...he became quite cruel which caught me way off guard as he had never acted that way, nor had been abusive to me ever.

 

Please just be careful...

Edited September 8, 2010 by pureinheart

[jennie-jennie]

Can you explain your rationality for that? I just recently chose NC for my sanity....but the fear of giving up my chances by staying out of sight out of mind worries me' too. I just don't want to hold up his progress. Keeping me there a his beckon call to fulfill both his sexual and emotional needs means it's easy to be complacent. While I would never give him an ultimatum, in a way now he has to choose knowing if he wants to be with me' again he better approach me' only when he has made substantial progress and able to be with me outside of our secret life.

 

Hi Karma,

I quoted your post here from SG's thread so as not to thread jack over there.

 

I don't like NC. I think it only serves a purpose if you truly want to end the relationship. You say you chose NC for your own sanity. Well, that could be a reason as well. Truly wanting to end the relationship for your own sanity.

 

It is no good if you are hoping to influence the MM by being NC. Forget about that. If he was not ready to end his marriage while you were in the affair, he most likely will not be ready to end it because you go NC. Most MM accept their fate that they need to be altruistic and do their duty if their OW leaves them. They respect her wish to be NC.

 

Notice that it is often the BS who advice NC. They want the OW out of the way. They want her out of the MM's life. What better than to suggest to her that she is doing what is best for her.

 

To me it is totally unnatural to go NC with someone you are completely in love with and who is completely in love with you. It is torture. Why subject yourself to torture?

 

I started a thread long ago which is called "Different ways of ending an EMR". In it is a quote by Alberoni which speaks of "altruistic relinquishing" and "selfish relinquishing".

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198627/

 

You see, if the OW ends the relationship for selfish reasons the WS can carry on his life and marriage. But if he does it for altruistic reasons his marriage will most likely be an empty shell marriage. This is why NC does not work when the OW initiates it. We solve their dilemma for them, we make the choice they could not make themselves. They accept the choice being made for them.

 

So, again, if you have gone NC to protect yourself, because you sincerely were not able to stay in the affair, you were hurting too much, then okay. But if you are hoping in any way to influence him, not okay. (Just my opinion of course.)

[Silly_Girl]

Hi Karma,

I quoted your post here from SG's thread so as not to thread jack over there.

 

I don't like NC. I think it only serves a purpose if you truly want to end the relationship. You say you chose NC for your own sanity. Well, that could be a reason as well. Truly wanting to end the relationship for your own sanity.

 

It is no good if you are hoping to influence the MM by being NC. Forget about that. If he was not ready to end his marriage while you were in the affair, he most likely will not be ready to end it because you go NC. Most MM accept their fate that they need to be altruistic and do their duty if their OW leaves them. They respect her wish to be NC.

 

Notice that it is often the BS who advice NC. They want the OW out of the way. They want her out of the MM's life. What better than to suggest to her that she is doing what is best for her.

 

To me it is totally unnatural to go NC with someone you are completely in love with and who is completely in love with you. It is torture. Why subject yourself to torture?

 

I started a thread long ago which is called "Different ways of ending an EMR". In it is a quote by Alberoni which speaks of "altruistic relinquishing" and "selfish relinquishing".

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198627/

 

You see, if the OW ends the relationship for selfish reasons the WS can carry on his life and marriage. But if he does it for altruistic reasons his marriage will most likely be an empty shell marriage. This is why NC does not work when the OW initiates it. We solve their dilemma for them, we make the choice they could not make themselves. They accept the choice being made for them.

 

So, again, if you have gone NC to protect yourself, because you sincerely were not able to stay in the affair, you were hurting too much, then okay. But if you are hoping in any way to influence him, not okay. (Just my opinion of course.)

 

Jennie - agreeing with the bolded (by me). And... I had never seen this about the relinquishing, but recognise it VERY well indeed. I'm sort of stunned at how closely it mirrors my experience.

 

And yes, NC to end the relationship for your own sanity, is the only way to go in my view. But to force his hand as such... I see few scenarios where that would work. Being idealistic, yes, he wakes up and realises he can't live without you, his marriage is a sham, he hires a limo, plays romantic music and climbs up your fire escape.... (or was that a movie? damn! ). But really, the position the MM is in already - whether you are thinking about WHY he's cheating, or the fact he has been prepared to continue an affair - he's not going to go through what he needs to go through, on his own, and hope you're still there waiting at the end. It's not so much about principles and morals, but more about human nature.

[In_Repair]

It certainly is more complex than that. For one we live in a state that is no fault. Marriages are only dissolved based on irreconcilable differences. You can't bring up issues of adultery and addiction, not to mention custody cases are horribly in favor of the mother around here. Her issues have not been legally documented, ie no stunts in rehab, no DUIs and adultery is not grounds for custody. Pretty much all he has is accusations and heresay. He does work full time and the children are young so he would have to be prepared for arranging child care and transportation. It really is something he must plan in advance and have a lawyer assist with. I wish it were easy to say he should just make her leave...but he knows better. She's not going to walk away from a lifestyle that keeps her comfortable and one she has grown accustomed to just to lose her kids and go stay in a trailer with her mom. Not willingly at least.

 

No, it's not any more complex than packing up his kids and their crap, then leaving. Infidelity has no bearing on divorce proceedings, except for alimony issues when a dependent spouse has been cheated on. Even if she is totally dependent on him, that email that he found can be his ticket to avoiding alimony. The drugs and drinking? That's easy because as their father he can walk out with the kids and retain full custody until a judge rules in her favor. Have a lawyer standing by to force her to take a drug test. Problem solved. Drunk driving? Has he ever called the cops on her when he knew she was doing it? I bet not...

 

Surely he would never try and sidestep child support, since he is such a great father, so that aspect of it isn't even worth discussing.

 

There are plenty of steps he could be taking to make everything happen for you guys, but he isn't, he is staying with a woman who he has portrayed to you as the damn devil, and keeping his kids in that terrible situation too. Makes no sense.

 

Either he is a liar or he has no balls whatsoever, so why do you want him so badly?

 

I live in a "no fault" state too.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Hi Karma,

I quoted your post here from SG's thread so as not to thread jack over there.

 

I don't like NC. I think it only serves a purpose if you truly want to end the relationship. You say you chose NC for your own sanity. Well, that could be a reason as well. Truly wanting to end the relationship for your own sanity.

 

It is no good if you are hoping to influence the MM by being NC. Forget about that. If he was not ready to end his marriage while you were in the affair, he most likely will not be ready to end it because you go NC. Most MM accept their fate that they need to be altruistic and do their duty if their OW leaves them. They respect her wish to be NC.

 

Notice that it is often the BS who advice NC. They want the OW out of the way. They want her out of the MM's life. What better than to suggest to her that she is doing what is best for her.

 

To me it is totally unnatural to go NC with someone you are completely in love with and who is completely in love with you. It is torture. Why subject yourself to torture?

 

I started a thread long ago which is called "Different ways of ending an EMR". In it is a quote by Alberoni which speaks of "altruistic relinquishing" and "selfish relinquishing".

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198627/

 

You see, if the OW ends the relationship for selfish reasons the WS can carry on his life and marriage. But if he does it for altruistic reasons his marriage will most likely be an empty shell marriage. This is why NC does not work when the OW initiates it. We solve their dilemma for them, we make the choice they could not make themselves. They accept the choice being made for them.

 

So, again, if you have gone NC to protect yourself, because you sincerely were not able to stay in the affair, you were hurting too much, then okay. But if you are hoping in any way to influence him, not okay. (Just my opinion of course.)

 

I'm trying to put this into perspective for my situation. I definitely get heat your saying, but trying to define where I fall. He broke it off first. Altruistically, though only because I was calling him out on being distant and not sure why he was so preoccupied mentally lately. He admitted he was selfish to think he could handle a relationship while balancing trying to get his life together. His idea of breaking up included contact though. He took the title of R away but still checked on me' every couple of days and made plans to come by for a visit. After the first contacts and an evening of me' thinking he was possibly leaving and coming back to me', it was me' who asked for NC. I felt like I had to say goodbye to him over and over again and knew I couldn't count on him to be there for me' right now. My mimd said I needed nc to heal and accept the terms that he needed to get his stuff together before we would have any future. I felt that as long as he had an escape plan in me for everytime things got difficult he would have no motivation to take actions towards making things right. It was both then. Him setting me' free and me' needing a sanity check...but neither of is want it to be the end.