he said that he didn't want anything serious, but still wants to see me...

[my body is a cage]

i am about to start my senior year of college. at the end of the school year, i met a guy and we really connected instantly. at first i was wary because i know he has some emotional issues (depression, getting his act together- he has these lofty aspirations that always fall through- and relationship issues i didnt know about until later...) but he was so kind and respectful and we got along so well i chose to ignore them. after the school year was over, he sold his camera to come visit me, and we had a great time.

 

then i left for an internship abroad... he got his passport (he had never left the country before) and had told me he was going to come visit. i was skeptical, as he had to sell my camera to come visit me in the states (not that far away). however, i felt connected enough to him that i would have liked him to come. i didnt pressure him though (he was the one who brought it up) and was confused because he kept on telling me he really wanted to, then that he probably wouldnt be able to...

 

we stopped talking as much during the second month, but he had told me to call him when i got back, so i did. he was very happy to hear from me, we talked on the phone for a while. he had gotten a (temporary? he is just crashing with friends, doesnt have a place) job in the city, and we made vague plans to hang out the next week.

 

the next week we texted, and met up in the city when we were both out one night (this is not how i would have seen him ideally the first time, but he contacted me and works every day until 10 and i wanted to see him so i agreed). first, everything went great.... then we went to this party, and got increasingly drunk...

 

all of a sudden, he brought up how he wasnt looking for anything too serious, how he had lead me on, and how he hadnt come visit me abroad because he realized that it would have been such a big gesture. he said on one hand, it could have been great because he would be in europe and he would be with me, but on the other hand it could have been not great, and that we had just met. all of this is logical enough, but i am 99% percent sure that he wouldnt have been able to anyway, and i never pressured him.

 

he continued to say that he was a piece of ****, that his last relationship was a train wreck (this is very true, i found out... he cheated on his ex girlfriend a lot, they broke up, he tried to kill himself, she has a campus restraining order against him because he sent her "crazy" messages?) that he doesnt know himself, knows himself even less when hes with someone, doesnt trust himself... (he brought up and example of a girl who he used to work with had been texting him, and i said so is that why? and he said yes... wait no, i dont want a serious relationship with anyone) everyone at the party said it looked like we were having a REALLY intense talk/ both looked depressed, and my friend asked him what waas wrong at some point and he had said i think shes mad at me because i didnt come to ... (what?! i never said anything of the sort)

 

as the night progressed, i was upset and suddenly he was comforting me, and lo and behold and somehow we ended up hooking up... i told him we should stop after a while because i didnt want to get hurt. he said ok and that he felt he had hurt me already... i asked how? and he said "by not coming to ___." we talked a little, fell asleep in each others arms...

 

the next morning i was feeling pretty ****ty. i woke him up and made him explain himself again, and he said pretty much the same thing. i asked him why he had called me, and his answer was " because i wanted to see you." i was upset, and he took this as me being "pissed." he waited for me and walked me to the subway station, and then said "its not like i dont want to see you... i would like that" and hugged me.

 

later in the day i was embarrassed that i had taken this talk as a complete rejection and shown him that i was upset. i texted him saying im sorry for the way things turned out, i think i understand where youre coming from... i dont want things to be awkward between us... he said he was sorry as well and didnt think they would be awkward.

 

despite this, i am really hurt... i guess i do feel rejected by him, and the fact that he mentioned the other girl makes me feel like im not good enough. i ran into him at a really crowedd party for about 5 minutes a week later, and couldnt really feign happiness to see him... i waved at him and we said hi how are you but thats pretty much it.

 

since then, i havent contact him, and he hasnt contacted me. i know hes busy working and trying to sort out his life, but the fact that he hasnt contacted me makes it feel like a complete rejection. i mis him and want to see him, and feel that i am at fault for overreacting to what he said... (although he did lead me on). i know he is not relationship material, but i wish we could at least be friends... and i want to feel that after the connection we had, he didnt just turn me down.

 

i havent contacted him because i dont want to look desperate, but i know he can be passive and is sensitive and probably thinks im mad at him. yet i feel if i were important to him, he should contact me considering the talk we had... i cant help feeling that he doesnt care at all whether i am in his life or not.

 

sorry this is so long, but my question is, what should i do? continue to not contact him? contact him and say hey i want to be friends? do you think he will contact me eventually? i wish i could just let the situation go, but i am very hurt by it.

[AverageJoe]

his last relationship was a train wreck (this is very true, i found out... he cheated on his ex girlfriend a lot, they broke up, he tried to kill himself

 

Why oh why would you even want to be associated with someone like this? That alone would have been enough for me, its time to go! Ever noticed that those that say they tried it, never succeeded? This is someone that would try to manipulate you at the highest level. This is the ultimate in exploitation, its time to get off the bus.

[my body is a cage]

Why oh why would you even want to be associated with someone like this? That alone would have been enough for me, its time to go! Ever noticed that those that say they tried it, never succeeded? This is someone that would try to manipulate you at the highest level. This is the ultimate in exploitation, its time to get off the bus.

 

I know. He sounds horrible on paper, but is great in person.. regardless, I know I shouldn't be in a relationship with him. I knew about the suicide attempt when I got into this, and I'm not sure if it's related directly to his ex girlfriend...

 

Regardless, I still feel hurt and rejected, and I want to be friends with him/ regain my dignity. I didn't even get to get off the bus, he pushed me out!

[AverageJoe]

I know. He sounds horrible on paper, but is great in person.. regardless, I know I shouldn't be in a relationship with him. I knew about the suicide attempt when I got into this, and I'm not sure if it's related directly to his ex girlfriend...

 

Regardless, I still feel hurt and rejected, and I want to be friends with him/ regain my dignity. I didn't even get to get off the bus, he pushed me out!

 

Yeah, a great person that threatened to off himself in the need of desperate attention. What makes you so different? The problem isnt his ex, or you, its him. The interesting thing is, you already know this!

Regain your dignity? Regain your dignity with someone else. Put your ego aside. Him pushing you out is the best thing that happend to you. You do have more self respect than that, dont you?

[that girl]

Run away.

 

He told you he is a piece of crap, that he cheated on his last girlfriend, and that he has mental health issues.

 

Any relationship you have with this guy will only end up causing you pain.

[my body is a cage]

Him pushing you out is the best thing that happend to you.

 

Well I mean, I think he knows that and thats why he told me... if anything its kudos to him that he had the respect to do so, in a way? I mean, I hope thats what he was doing, and that he was sincere, and not just casting me aside...

 

Logically I know I can't have a relationship with him in the place where it is now. But after we had such a connection, I can't help but feel rejected and hurt, especially since he's made no effort to reach out to me since.

 

I don't want a relationship with him, but I do want to see him. Let's say he didn't have these issues (you would never guess if you met him in person)... what would you advise I do? and why do you think he hasn't contacted me?

 

(By the way, did he actually did try to end his life - he has a huge vertical scar on his wrist I noticed before he told me about it - and I'm not sure what this had to do with his last relationship vs. his depression/ other factors).

[Lorelai]

I wouldn't say mental health issues should completely exclude him from the dating pool, but if he's not actually in therapy or working with doctors to help himself, I couldn't do it. I've got too much of the "helper complex" and it would turn into me giving him therapy rather than any kind of relationship.

 

Be wary if that's one of your besetting sins, too, and he's not seeking treatment.

 

The cheating and saying he doesn't want a serious relationship are bigger red flags to me.

[Knittress]

Stop looking at this guy's potential and see this situation for what it is - a headcase making a big dramatic mess of your life. Does this seem like a good situation for you to be in? No, no it is not. Therefore, despite your feelings, despite his individual merit - PUT YOURSELF FIRST, and walk away. This is one of the first lessons in cultivating self respect.

 

I'm only saying this because this is advice I would've screamed at a younger version of myself at least half a dozen times. And quite possibly will do so again...

Good luck.

[torranceshipman]

OP, seriously, you need to learn to walk away quicker. This guy didn't just have red flags, he had a red loudspeaker and was constantly shouting at you through it!

 

Sure, he just wants no string hook ups with you, which is a rejection - technically - because you wanted more. But c'mon - he is a big douche. A guy who cheats repeatedly on his girlfriend, tries to commit suicide, then gets so crazy that the ex needs to get a restraining order against him, then you get all this boring, over dramatic crap from him all night where he is going on and on about his problems? Man, he sure knows how to show a girl a good time - NOT.

 

Avoid him! And look at yourself a bit and try to work out WHY on earth you would be so upset that such a jack ass isn't into you. You can do so much better.

[9Lives]

you GOT to be kidding me....this the the perfect recipe for a UNHAPPY LIFE!!!

 

if u want to be put thru hell then be with his sorry, pathetic ass.

 

have fun!

[ViciousViolet]

Regardless of what we tell you, you're still going to try things with him. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Good luck.

[Chubbi]

I think you were rejected. What's so bad about that? You move on.

[Stung]

I know. He sounds horrible on paper, but is great in person.. regardless, I know I shouldn't be in a relationship with him. I knew about the suicide attempt when I got into this, and I'm not sure if it's related directly to his ex girlfriend...

 

Regardless, I still feel hurt and rejected, and I want to be friends with him/ regain my dignity. I didn't even get to get off the bus, he pushed me out!

 

You are still pretty young and clearly have a tendency to overanalyze and romanticize people. You're reacting to people characterizing this guy negatively, because he does have some positive traits. But most people have such a mixture of traits. You will run into very few pure monsters, who do not have kind moments, funny moments, especially with naive people they are attracted to, if you will forgive me for saying so.

 

He probably has good points, sure. He's probably trying to be a little bit noble by saving you from himself--although IMO that's only half real and half smoke and mirrors. He's probably even really hurting, I am personally familiar with depression and I can sympathize with him on that level. You can sympathize with him on that level, too, without letting the rest of his drama take over your life. You need to learn where to put that boundary.

The simple fact is that his negatives by far outweigh his positives as far as you are concerned. In addition, while you seem to have a little bit of Florence Nightengale syndrome going on, you need to understand that you cannot save anybody or turn their life around. His problems are not the kind you can shoulder, you cannot take on all his troubles and make the sun shine in his world. He HAS to learn to do that for himself, in his own time, and honestly it will probably take him a long time and a lot of struggle. It's a hard world and a hard lesson but he has to battle his demons himself--young women wanting to 'help' him and 'be his friend' while occasionally making out with him are really just enabling him, letting him avoid his real issues, and making everything worse for everybody.

 

Just let this whole thing go. Let him learn to be a man, in his own way. And you go along your own way, and be your own woman, and continue to move onwards and upwards in your life--THAT is where you will 'regain' whatever dignity you have lost/dinged up. Break out of the orbit of his sucking negative gravity for both your sakes.

[my body is a cage]

Y He's probably trying to be a little bit noble by saving you from himself--although IMO that's only half real and half smoke and mirrors.

 

What do you mean by this? I'm confused because he was so adamant about seeing me, and then said this... the fact that he said didn't come visit me because he didn't want that big of a commitment is confusing too, as he was the one who pushed the idea himself and he didn't have the financial means to come.

 

Thank you for your kind advice, though. I do have a tendency overanalyze and romanticize things I guess. I know I can't make him change or make him happy (although he said he was "loving himself" / completely happy when he was visiting me).

 

I just can't help being hurt by the situation. Regardless of his faults I liked him, and he hurt me. I know a relationship with him would just lead to more hurt, and that its best I walk away now... and despite what another poster said, I am not going to ignore everyones advice and go after him, I mean, he hasn't contacted me, who's to say he would even respond to me contacting him? I will probably run into him sooner or later though...

 

I know I need to look at myself and understand why I feel like it's my fault for not being "good enough" (his comment about the other girl really bothered me) and why I don't feel that its "his loss" and that I deserve something better. I don't know, I'm just hurt I guess.

[my body is a cage]

I think you were rejected. What's so bad about that? You move on.

 

What makes you say this? I wish I could just move on, but its hard... I can't just let go.

[Ruby Slippers]

Forget this bag of drama. He will bring you nothing but pain.

[Knittress]

I wish I could just move on, but its hard... I can't just let go.

 

"Fake it 'til you make it." Oddly enough, I've learned that emotions are things you can practice. Do your best to put him from your mind, and like weight training it'll get easier with time. Focus on the angst and the drama and those feelings can stick around indefinitely. Actually, I think this is applicable to a LOT of situations in life.

[my body is a cage]

"Fake it 'til you make it."

 

Thanks, I'm trying to keep myself distracted but I'm at home from school with not too much do so it's sort of hard to keep busy.

 

I guess what bothers me is that I feel like the situation is a reflection of me not being good enough... I thought I had finally found a connection with someone who appreciated me and I had things in common with, but he screwed me over like all the rest.

 

Another thing that bothers me is that the girl he mentioned that had been texting him is perfect looking (shes an aspiring model) and was planning to move to the city... gathering from her facebook it seems she might have moved to the city... I know I shouldn't be stalking her/ comparing myself to her, but what if they end up together? What if his whole "I'm too unstable for something serious" relationship thing was just a spiel, and he chooses to have a relationship with her? I feel like maybe he cast me aside despite the connection we had, despite him coming and visiting me, because another more attractive girl came along... ouch.

[ViciousViolet]

Thanks, I'm trying to keep myself distracted but I'm at home from school with not too much do so it's sort of hard to keep busy.

 

I guess what bothers me is that I feel like the situation is a reflection of me not being good enough... I thought I had finally found a connection with someone who appreciated me and I had things in common with, but he screwed me over like all the rest.

 

Another thing that bothers me is that the girl he mentioned that had been texting him is perfect looking (shes an aspiring model) and was planning to move to the city... gathering from her facebook it seems she might have moved to the city... I know I shouldn't be stalking her/ comparing myself to her, but what if they end up together? What if his whole "I'm too unstable for something serious" relationship thing was just a spiel, and he chooses to have a relationship with her? I feel like maybe he cast me aside despite the connection we had, despite him coming and visiting me, because another more attractive girl came along... ouch.

 

I'd feel sorry for her and be happy I dodged a bullet. I felt that way after a bf of mine dumped me and started going out with another girl 2 weeks later. He, too, had a troubled past. Years later and she seems pretty unhappy. I know that he cheats on her. Dumping me was the best thing he could have done for me. Move on.

[my body is a cage]

I'd feel sorry for her and be happy I dodged a bullet. I felt that way after a bf of mine dumped me and started going out with another girl 2 weeks later. He, too, had a troubled past. Years later and she seems pretty unhappy. I know that he cheats on her. Dumping me was the best thing he could have done for me. Move on.

 

Right, I mean, this is all speculation... I have no idea if what he said to me was a spiel or not, and if he's with her or not, or if she even likes him... he's not a HORRIBLE person and has hitherto treated me with respect so hopefully he was being sincere about not wanting a relationship with anyone... if not it would just add to the sting.

 

Did you just manage to move on from your ex, or did you have rewarding contact with him that made you glad you weren't with him? I guess one of the feelings I'm having is that its unfair that I didn't get to explain my side of the situation, that it ended with me being upset that he didn't want commitment, and now him not calling me at all...

 

Does not wanting commitment always mean not wanting commitment with you?

[my body is a cage]

honestly, regardless of his mental health issues, i am really bothered by the way i handled the situation too. first off, i feel like i did something wrong because before that night he was contacting me and then he said it dawned on him that i wanted something serious. what did i do? i wish i hadnt shown that i was so upset, and just let it slide... i mean, i probably inflated his ego and precluded us from having a natural relationship. he did say he still wanted to see me, but i think its awkward because of my strong reaction... i wish i werent sensitive. also, i didnt get to get my own point across, which was that i wasnt mad at him at all for not coming to visit me (this element is so confusing- i dont know if he actually could have or not and what the disconnect is here)

 

the text message i sent him about things not being awkward probably made things more awkward. we do have a lot of friends in common, and we did have a great (brief) time together... i want to be friends/ have a natural good interaction with him. i recognize that as this point in time he cant be a boyfriend.

 

if i dont see or hear from him for a while, would it be a terrible idea to shoot him a message being like "hey what have you been up to? im not mad at you for not coming to visit me and i miss hanging out with you, lets be friends?"

[my body is a cage]

any other thoughts? im still really sad about the situation, and i feel that he really did lead me on ... im sad that he hasnt contacted me at all since that night, when he said he really wanted to see me

[my body is a cage]

ugh. im still feeling really ****ty about the situation. regardless of his issues, hes not a horrible person, we did have a connection, and while i dont want a relationship with him, the way things turned out really sucks.

 

he really toyed with my emotions. i know that he cared about me before, but i wonder if he cares at all now. i dont know what "seeing" him would accomplish, as i think we both know we cant just "see" each other after the way things happened. i would like to see him though, and not be pissy and not hook up with him, in order to normalize things... after the really nice time we had together, why should it have to be this weird?

 

also, im feeling really emotionally vulnerable and raw. i dont think i can contact him because im worried he wouldnt respond.

 

hypothetically, do you think he would respond if i contacted him? why do you think he hasnt contacted me? do you think he cares that i havent contacted him?