Hell's Bells Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Hello, I registered half a minute ago... because I badly need some anonymous advice. Or rather: some anonymous ears who'll listen, as I have no-one else to confide in. This is going to be quite a tale, and I'm not in the habit to add "too long, didn't read" summaries at the end, so I hope someone will have the stomach to read through this whiny drivel ;-) (I'll try to be entertaining.) I'm a 26-year-old girl (from a non-English speaking country) who's still with her first boyfriend of 7 years. I love him dearly and feel I always will. The things he's done for me, the ways he's supported me, are countless. We live together in a rented house until we can buy/build our own home, and we have a dog - we're a little family! He's a well-earning doctoral student, I've just finished studying and I'm looking for a job. Aside from the normal fights any living-together-family will once in a while have, we do really "click", ... except for one tiny thing: sex. Like that Lily Allen song, he's "just not good". Put rather crudely, I've never ever had an orgasm with him, or by him. For the record, I do very well on my own in that respect, so I'm "capable" of having one. We tried, and tried, and then we stopped trying (remember: neither of us has ever had sex with anybody else). So I tried to console myself with the sad facts, and decided just to try and get my joy out of pleasing him (which I've grown fairly good at). As you see: lots of trying going on. Half a year ago I started a course to take my mind off looking for work all the time. In walked one of the teachers, a 35-year-old guy living on the other side of the country (admittedly it's not a very big country). I'll call him John. From day one I had a total crush on him, devil knows why. A combination of a lushious voice, a charming smile, and a mischievous look in his eyes, probably. He's sweet, but with an edge, you know. But in the beginning I treated this crush in the same way I treat my celebrity crushes: good fun, but deary, get real, will you. Two months ago though, he took our class abroad for a week, for a course related event. Along with his last ex-girlfriend, who's about my age (even younger), who's in a similar line of work. John was still pining like a puppy for this girl (the girl however, doesn't want any unnecessary contact with him, she's totally over it). I must admit I played the role of a lifetime as the devil's advocate: I tried my very best to be a harmless and well-meaning girlfriend to the ex, resulting in her confiding in me about John's antics during their relationship (didn't diminish any of the feelings I have for him, though). Meanwhile I let John pour his heart out to me (he was really blue at one point) about her, which got me the unimaginable present of him telling me his WHOLE life/love story, about all his exes, his feelings, his troubles, his... everything. He literally sat me down (on the edge of a fountain in a hot Romantic city in Southern Europe, I mean...) and talked to me for an entire afternoon. And asked me for advice, and opinions, and my own life too! I didn't know about "Emotional Affairs" yet but I was damn well diving into one, head-long. Of course I was still very insecure - the main subject matter being his exes and how he misses them/ruined their lives/aches for them/all that jazz. So in the end I confessed to him, as a token of friendship I suppose (and I still don't know how I dared to) my concerns about my failed sexlife with my boyfriend. I really shouldn't have done this, but for the life of me I couldn't have envisioned that he reacted the way he did. Which was like this: he started telling me about how he makes love to a woman. Or, how he feels a man SHOULD make love to a woman, and the various ways in which he tries to honour this sentiment. I'm telling you, regardless of your "type" of guy or your sexual preferences, if you'd hear a man talk like that, you'd have to be queen of the Antarctic not to be reduced to a quivering heap of boiling jelly like I was (well, if you're heterosexual and female, at least). I could have jumped into the fountain and fried the tail of the stone mermaid on top. Back home, we continued our chat online. He let me complain about sex, he told me how it's such a pity a vibrant woman like me doesn't get satisfied, how he wouldn't have let it happen in the first place... and then, then! One evening (boyfriend out of the house), he asked me if I would like to take a bath. And chat. Fine, I felt naughty (hey, still madly in love with this guy!). And curious. So, into the bubbles I went, he made various comments about webcams and nude modelling (he draws sometimes), I laughed them off in a "you wouldn't be interested in little ol' me" fashion... And then he told me to shut up and listen - read, that is - a story. And relax. Oh dear. That night he told me the most delicious erotic tale featuring a girl in a bath. And yes, he "succeeded", thank you very much. ****! (well, quite). More talk, and some awkwardness on my side of the laptop screen. He's invited me for a sleepover at his place next week, in the guise of a "private lesson". (I've been to his house before, mind you, and slept in a couch-bed in his bedroom, right next to his bed. We talked all night (yes, about sex), and slept for maybe two hours.) The things I want to do to him (or no: want him to do to me) are x-rated to the degree it could have the most devastating effect on my relationship with the man I want to spend my life with (which is empathically not this John guy: no relationship material for me! I just want to have good sex for once, damnit!). So yeah, woops. Why the hell did I write all this? I don't know, it's therapeutic, I think the idea that this story is "out there" is comforting to me. All my friends are friends of my boyfriend's as well (after seven years together, that's inevitable). I *am* going to go to him next week, but I just don't know how I'll behave. Or how I should. Should I let myself go for just one night, should the occasion arise? Is John really a perverted bastard? Or just a sweet, concerned friend with a naughty side, like we all have? *gulp* Please be kind, I'm really a nice girl deep-down. Just frustrated... wouldn't you be? Thanks for reading.
jennie-jennie Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 If you are frustrated now, just think of how frustrated you will be years from now if you continue the relationship with your boyfriend. Sex is a very important part of a couple's life. If this part doesn't work, the relationship doesn't really have a future in my opinion. At some point, sooner or later, what is happening to you now, happens. You look outside the relationship. Have you considered ending the relationship with your boyfriend and be single for a while? Explore life a bit, until you find a man whom you are truly compatible with? Both considering sex and other important parts of a relationship. A sexually unfulfilling relationship is just going to make you unhappy. Sex is too important to be satisfied with being unsatisfied in my opinion.
U2RockZz Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 if you are for real...... would you really stop if anybody here tells you to not to go ....from your writing ...it's evident that you are already reconciled with the fact that you are going to be at his place no matter what....so do whatever u wanted to do until your bf finds out what's going on his back..... there are lot of professionals who can deal with your sexual issues,i guess
Author Hell's Bells Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 Thanks for the quick reply, I'm glad this is an active forum :-) (Why wouldn't I be "for real"? Trust me, I'm real, and really worried!) About the "sex is important in a relationship" bit. Fair point! However... Usually, in my "normal capacity", I have a very low libido. Best bit of evidence I can find to support this claim: I masturbated for the first time at age 19, and someone (a girl) literally had to tell me to try it, I simply hadn't thought of it before. I very rarely feel like sex (or need an orgasm). Save for stressy moments in life. To me, (the lack of) sexual gratification isn't a so-called "deal breaker", because honestly, I love my boyfriend far far far too much. Aristotle made an interesting division of "four loves": the love of a deity, the love for family, erotic love, and friendship. Might the love I have for my boyfriend have "shifted" from one category to another? You could argue I suppose that I've grown to love him more as a family member, than an actual romantic "lover". Because in the beginning of our relationship, passion and eroticism were definitely there. Then again, even now we have sex several times a week, due to his insatiable sex-drive. I very rarely feel like it (and I'm as good as never turned on), but I comply him because he needs it. Well, in a way you could say that John has made me realise that actually I "need it" too. Incidentally, since he told me those erotic stories, my sex-drive has shot to unknown heights. (Boyfriend's pleased and unsuspecting as ever.) But I do realise of course that he's an "ideal". In my mind, he's a sex god. He has all the idealistic qualities that a girl in love usually ascribes to her crush (and none of the negative associations a long-term relationship brings about, with all the excitement of that crush having faded). I don't think I would drive this as far as to actually sleep with this guy. But perhaps for the wrong reasons (I'm very self-conscious about my appearance). But I do so loooove the attention, the secrecy, the touchy-feeliness of it all. Last time I was there we snuggled together on his couch under a blanket, to watch a movie. Sitting closer than normal friends do, thighs touching, you know the kind of thing. After which he asked me if I would like to sleep in his room (I thought I'd just sleep on the couch downstairs). Still... I can't really tell for sure how he feels. Complicated guy. Well yes I have made up my mind about going, because the extra lessons aren't a total ruse. And I am fairly sure that he is to be trusted if I don't give off any signs. Now, it's all down to me, not to give those extra signs! That's the quandary, basically. (and I really needed a friendly ear :s)
Ella whispers Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I don't blame you a bit honey. My advice is to go for the gusto. First, tell your bf that you are having these feelings, I'm sure he has had them as well. Remain close and "date" safely other people, hell stay in the house together even. Be totally honest with him or that regret will eat you alive. It's not worth it to ruin trust. Surely your bf loves you very much to be dedicated and with you for so long at a young age. If he doesn't understand, it's time for you to go ahead and spread your wings on your own. The biggest regret in my life is NOT doing something, I don't regret the things that I have done because I learned from them. If you don't know you will always wonder and that's a killer itself. You only have one life here so enjoy it and don't ive to please anyone but yourself. Good luck to you.
Author Hell's Bells Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 The biggest regret in my life is NOT doing something, I don't regret the things that I have done because I learned from them. How delightfully Mark Twain of you :-D I'll have to consider your advice, though it's difficult as my bf is rather possessive of me. No open relationships for him! As for now, I'm merely considering this one-time fling, very likely not even full-on sex (don't think I could do that), but I just feel my body needs some special attention! Obviously, in a monogamous relationship, this is still very wrong and I don't want to make it look like I'm trying to grasp at straws, making excuses for my behaviour. I read some articles about emotional affairs, and one of the items in a quiz about that was: would you be embarrassed if you bf would see video footage of you spending time with your "friend". I translated that as: imagine there'll be a webcam at John's place, streaming live footage to my bf at home. What I have in mind would guarantee I wouldn't be let into the house when I get back. John's asked me to pose nude for him (his drawings), admitted he would like to see mee bathe or shower, that he'd love to tell me his stories live and watch me pleasure myself (or do it himself!). But is that all just a game in itself? I know he has sex regularly with a girl in a sort of "**** buddy" arrangement (an ex of his, but of no further significance: they knew they weren't relationship material for each other after two weeks together, quickly broke off, but continued to have sex), and admitted she isn't very good at it (read: he does all the work, she's too shy, doesn't really participate). I met her by the way, lovely girl, and I'm not jealous of her, I think that means something. I'm fairly sure that I'm not "in love" in the sense that I want him for myself, that I want a relationship with him. Actually I'd love for him to meet the woman of his dreams, because he deserves it - he's had a very troublesome past with girls and has been heart-broken many times. I think I might be just "in lust", but then again I think about him ALL day, can't wait for him to come online, and my heartbeat speeds up rapidly when I talk to him, let alone when I'm WITH him in real life. Still being with my first guy, makes me rather unfamiliar with many of the feelings and emotions I'm experiencing right now. Up until now I've only experienced the classic "fancy - fall in love - get relationship - love" curve, and only once at that. Now, everything seems so jumbled up, mixed together, intensified, and then torn to pieces. Nothing's as clear-cut as it used to be. I want to love the one I'm with and be in love with someone else, at the same time. It's mightily confusing, I can tell you!
ladydesigner Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Wow you are great at telling the story. I hung on for every moment! First it already sounds like your mind is made up. I would just urge a bit of caution to be saf and guard your heart. These feelings are very exciting in the beginning of an A, but the heartbreak (if and when it happens) is so devastating. It sounds like you and your boyfriend should embark on deeper sexual exploration or maybe you two aren't a sexual match. My H and I have the greatest sex, best I've ever had and well my xAP was not, he was a big disappointment in bed so much that it really was a deal breaker for me. The emotional bond I had with my XAP was fantastic and I am getting that back with my H now. I just hope you don't get hurt. Maybe you and your boyfriend need to take a bit of a break. Anyways welcome to LS!
Author Hell's Bells Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 (edited) PS: I can't believe you can't say the f-word on a love and relationship forum, haha. And thanks for the compliment, Ladydesigner! Writing is very therapeutic for me and I adore the English language! Must say that you guys are a very considerate and eloquent bunch, I really appreciate not only the advise I get, but also the effort put into it! Edited August 19, 2010 by Hell's Bells
MorningCoffee Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Imagine that it was your bf who had read you the erotic story in the bath. Does the thought excite you? Or other erotic possibilities you can see in your mind that would be fun with bf? If so, then I suggest you take the gift that "John" has given you to mean that you need to awaken passion between you and your bf. Many aspects of successful sex can be learned . . . and Wow, the lessons can be Fun!!! If bf is up for that and it works, great! If not, then perhaps the entire relationship needs review. If the very thought of your bf in that role is not appealing, and you can't come up with other possibilities, then IMO it's sounds like time to end that relationship, as it is not meeting your needs and appears unlikely to in the future. J-J is right that this area is a critical part of long term relationships. You owe it to yourself (and to your bf) to figure out to proceed in a manner that will be most beneficial to you, bf, and your long term future. Note: "John" may or may not be a part of this. That is an entirely separate issue. Good luck.
Author Hell's Bells Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 MorningCoffee, that's really very interesting what you said! And possibly the only sane way to deal with this. I do indeed owe it to myself, my bf and my relationship to try to make this work. The only spanner in the works is: obviously my new "crush" sounds more appealing to be doing all this naughty stuff with. I know every inch (centimeter, in the civilized world ;-)) of my boyfriend's body, I know which buttons to push, and for how long. My crush, well, there's still loads of imagining going on there! What does he "look" like, how is he in bed, how does his touch on my skin feel, what's it like to kiss him... that's why it's called a crush :s And it's a lovely, addictive feeling... he's a drug! I need to have the strenght to let that go, but it's all too glorious, too exciting, too satisfying! And I'm not sure I can kick off this drug by going cold turkey - not seeing him any more, never speaking to him again. Because I also love him as a friend! Ideally, what I would choose for myself, is this: That me and my bf will find a way to incorporate sex successfully into our relationship (like you described: take the energy from the crush and pour it into your relationship), and that my connection with John morphs from this emotional affair-like thing into a normal, platonic friendship. It's up to me, I guess.
BB07 Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Every relationship requires compromise, but compromising on such a critical issue will only turn around and bite you hard down the road. Whether you want to admit it or not, you have a very major problem with your b/f and it is NOT going to improve barring a miracle. You can pretend that you can live with it and be happy but truth is, you will not and you aren't now, as you've already proven. What you are doing is cheating yourself out of a full relationship and now you are cheating on your b/f. Disaster and a whole lot of trauma is about the only thing that will come out of it. Since you two aren't married, break the ties with him and get out and experience life and go have some great sex. There isn't anything wrong with that, but do it in such a manner as you aren't doing it at risk of your and your b/f's emotional health. If you continue doing what you are doing, you are going to complicate your life so much and also you are going to have a ton of baggage to take into your next relationship.
torranceshipman Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) If the sex is bad with your live in boyfriend, you need to end the R as it is not right - it means he is not the right guy. I was in the same situation as you when I was young - I totally loved my boyfriend but sex-wise - it just stopped working - for a long time. I realized in the end that it meant he wasn't the right guy. Your sex drive is only so low, btw, because you are not yet with a guy that knows how to enliven that in you. Once you've experienced a great sex life then you will think about all of this differently. And you don't need to quote Aristotle to explain the very normal 'fell out of lust' situation that you are in now. You are WAY too young to be stuck in a sexless R and that is what it will be forever if you stay with the boyfriend (unfortunate, I know, as you do love him a lot). You know that if you stay with him you will cheat (well, you are already cheating, lets face it). If you love your boyfriend, then show respect for him and either stop messing with the other guy, or end it with the boyfriend, and then you are free and single to enjoy this new flirtation, or any other flirtation that you like. Doesn't matter if you and the boyfriend never have sex - there is NEVER a reason or an excuse to cheat - NEVER. Do both of you a favor and end the R, and you can both move on. Edited August 20, 2010 by torranceshipman
Author Hell's Bells Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Thanks for the advice, but really, I'll need a lot more convincing that sex is important enough to abandon an otherwise perfect relationship for. I want nothing more than for my boyfriend to be my life partner and the father of my children. What if - I've often thought this - the problem is really just me: someone who's only started "self exploration" at age 19 after having been TOLD this possibility even exists, can't have a high or even average libido for a woman, no matter how her sex life turns out to be. Back in the days when we were still trying, when my boyfriend was trying to please me manually or orally, I found myself preoccupied with all sorts of thoughts (and worrying that he was getting bored), I simply could not clear my mind at all. Isn't that largely my issue then? I might just be a very "difficult" person. For example: vaginal stimulation does absolutely nothing for me, it baffles me that some women can achieve orgasm simply from (regular) penetration alone! Statistics claim one in five (or so) women can't even orgasm at all! Maybe I'm an example of somebody who can only do it on her own? Now, if I were to break up with my long-term boyfriend whom I'd follow to the end of the earth if need be, just to find out that other men aren't any good either and this is just "my problem", what then? I'd never forgive myself. Anyone who thinks the ancient Greeks shouldn't be quoted or referred to deserves to be doomed to forever stand in line at Manchester airport awaiting a total body scan with no toilets or lawyers in sight!
fooled once Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Let me start out by saying, that like LadyD, I enjoyed your story. You told it well, you used paragraphs and you kept it entertaining. A+ Hello, I registered half a minute ago... because I badly need some anonymous advice. Or rather: some anonymous ears who'll listen, as I have no-one else to confide in. This is going to be quite a tale, and I'm not in the habit to add "too long, didn't read" summaries at the end, so I hope someone will have the stomach to read through this whiny drivel ;-) (I'll try to be entertaining.) I'm a 26-year-old girl (from a non-English speaking country) who's still with her first boyfriend of 7 years. I love him dearly and feel I always will. The things he's done for me, the ways he's supported me, are countless. We live together in a rented house until we can buy/build our own home, and we have a dog - we're a little family! He's a well-earning doctoral student, I've just finished studying and I'm looking for a job. Aside from the normal fights any living-together-family will once in a while have, we do really "click", ... except for one tiny thing: sex. Like that Lily Allen song, he's "just not good". Put rather crudely, I've never ever had an orgasm with him, or by him. For the record, I do very well on my own in that respect, so I'm "capable" of having one. We tried, and tried, and then we stopped trying (remember: neither of us has ever had sex with anybody else). So I tried to console myself with the sad facts, and decided just to try and get my joy out of pleasing him (which I've grown fairly good at). As you see: lots of trying going on. Half a year ago I started a course to take my mind off looking for work all the time. In walked one of the teachers, a 35-year-old guy living on the other side of the country (admittedly it's not a very big country). I'll call him John. From day one I had a total crush on him, devil knows why. A combination of a lushious voice, a charming smile, and a mischievous look in his eyes, probably. He's sweet, but with an edge, you know. But in the beginning I treated this crush in the same way I treat my celebrity crushes: good fun, but deary, get real, will you. Two months ago though, he took our class abroad for a week, for a course related event. Along with his last ex-girlfriend, who's about my age (even younger), who's in a similar line of work. John was still pining like a puppy for this girl (the girl however, doesn't want any unnecessary contact with him, she's totally over it). I must admit I played the role of a lifetime as the devil's advocate: I tried my very best to be a harmless and well-meaning girlfriend to the ex, resulting in her confiding in me about John's antics during their relationship (didn't diminish any of the feelings I have for him, though). Meanwhile I let John pour his heart out to me (he was really blue at one point) about her, which got me the unimaginable present of him telling me his WHOLE life/love story, about all his exes, his feelings, his troubles, his... everything. He literally sat me down (on the edge of a fountain in a hot Romantic city in Southern Europe, I mean...) and talked to me for an entire afternoon. And asked me for advice, and opinions, and my own life too! I didn't know about "Emotional Affairs" yet but I was damn well diving into one, head-long. Of course I was still very insecure - the main subject matter being his exes and how he misses them/ruined their lives/aches for them/all that jazz. So in the end I confessed to him, as a token of friendship I suppose (and I still don't know how I dared to) my concerns about my failed sexlife with my boyfriend. I really shouldn't have done this, but for the life of me I couldn't have envisioned that he reacted the way he did. Which was like this: he started telling me about how he makes love to a woman. Or, how he feels a man SHOULD make love to a woman, and the various ways in which he tries to honour this sentiment. I'm telling you, regardless of your "type" of guy or your sexual preferences, if you'd hear a man talk like that, you'd have to be queen of the Antarctic not to be reduced to a quivering heap of boiling jelly like I was (well, if you're heterosexual and female, at least). I could have jumped into the fountain and fried the tail of the stone mermaid on top. Back home, we continued our chat online. He let me complain about sex, he told me how it's such a pity a vibrant woman like me doesn't get satisfied, how he wouldn't have let it happen in the first place... and then, then! One evening (boyfriend out of the house), he asked me if I would like to take a bath. And chat. Fine, I felt naughty (hey, still madly in love with this guy!). And curious. So, into the bubbles I went, he made various comments about webcams and nude modelling (he draws sometimes), I laughed them off in a "you wouldn't be interested in little ol' me" fashion... And then he told me to shut up and listen - read, that is - a story. And relax. Oh dear. That night he told me the most delicious erotic tale featuring a girl in a bath. And yes, he "succeeded", thank you very much. ****! (well, quite). More talk, and some awkwardness on my side of the laptop screen. He's invited me for a sleepover at his place next week, in the guise of a "private lesson". (I've been to his house before, mind you, and slept in a couch-bed in his bedroom, right next to his bed. We talked all night (yes, about sex), and slept for maybe two hours.) The things I want to do to him (or no: want him to do to me) are x-rated to the degree it could have the most devastating effect on my relationship with the man I want to spend my life with (which is empathically not this John guy: no relationship material for me! I just want to have good sex for once, damnit!). So yeah, woops. Why the hell did I write all this? I don't know, it's therapeutic, I think the idea that this story is "out there" is comforting to me. All my friends are friends of my boyfriend's as well (after seven years together, that's inevitable). I *am* going to go to him next week, but I just don't know how I'll behave. Or how I should. Should I let myself go for just one night, should the occasion arise? Is John really a perverted bastard? Or just a sweet, concerned friend with a naughty side, like we all have? *gulp* Please be kind, I'm really a nice girl deep-down. Just frustrated... wouldn't you be? Thanks for reading. If you are hell bent on going, I believe that your relationship with your BF as you know it will change forever. I believe that you will get so worked up, you will end up 'begging' for penetration from John, as release. I think you are definately on a very slippery slope and if you go, you may end up regretting it forever. If the choice was: Go and enjoy, but know that you will lose BF forever, would you still choose to go? As for sex. While I do believe it is important in a relationship, I don't put it as the be-end-all of a relationship. There will possibly come a time in people's lives where sex is over - maybe due to a physical disability. Does that mean the relationship is over? Not for me. I love with my soul. Having sex to me doesn't equal a deep relationship. Sex is just part of a relationship - I am not sure I would even put it in the top 5 things I consider extremely important in a relationship. Many times, due to longevity of relationships, the sex can become mundane. It is up to the 2 people in the relationship to keep it alive. That doesn't mean -- to me -- that you must have sex 5 times a week or that unless it is hot monkey sex that it isn't worthwhile. For me, intimacy is what is important, not the sexual release. Does your BF know that you are bored or unhappy with your sex life? Not sure if you two are against porn, but if not, do you watch it together? Do you take the time needed to HAVE a good sex life or do you fit it in between washing dishes and taking the trash out? Do you personally put into it as much effort as you put into taking a bath with John telling you a story? Do you think the sexual tension you are feeling for John is because it is forbidden, it is the 'unknown', it is a secret? is that what is giving you a thrill? If someone else who you think is handsome had read the same story to you, would you have gotten as hot and bothered? Have you and your boyfriend seriously discussed maybe seeing a sex therapist to help you out with at least achieving an oral orgasm? Do not feel bad at all about not having an orgasm with penetration. Millions of women don't. It isn't something to be ashamed about nor embarassed about. Some women just cannot have them that way. Thanks for the quick reply, I'm glad this is an active forum :-) (Why wouldn't I be "for real"? Trust me, I'm real, and really worried!) About the "sex is important in a relationship" bit. Fair point! However... Usually, in my "normal capacity", I have a very low libido. Best bit of evidence I can find to support this claim: I masturbated for the first time at age 19, and someone (a girl) literally had to tell me to try it, I simply hadn't thought of it before. I very rarely feel like sex (or need an orgasm). Save for stressy moments in life. To me, (the lack of) sexual gratification isn't a so-called "deal breaker", because honestly, I love my boyfriend far far far too much. Aristotle made an interesting division of "four loves": the love of a deity, the love for family, erotic love, and friendship. Might the love I have for my boyfriend have "shifted" from one category to another? You could argue I suppose that I've grown to love him more as a family member, than an actual romantic "lover". Because in the beginning of our relationship, passion and eroticism were definitely there. Then again, even now we have sex several times a week, due to his insatiable sex-drive. I very rarely feel like it (and I'm as good as never turned on), but I comply him because he needs it. Well, in a way you could say that John has made me realise that actually I "need it" too. Incidentally, since he told me those erotic stories, my sex-drive has shot to unknown heights. (Boyfriend's pleased and unsuspecting as ever.) But I do realise of course that he's an "ideal". In my mind, he's a sex god. He has all the idealistic qualities that a girl in love usually ascribes to her crush (and none of the negative associations a long-term relationship brings about, with all the excitement of that crush having faded). I don't think I would drive this as far as to actually sleep with this guy. But perhaps for the wrong reasons (I'm very self-conscious about my appearance). But I do so loooove the attention, the secrecy, the touchy-feeliness of it all. Last time I was there we snuggled together on his couch under a blanket, to watch a movie. Sitting closer than normal friends do, thighs touching, you know the kind of thing. After which he asked me if I would like to sleep in his room (I thought I'd just sleep on the couch downstairs). Still... I can't really tell for sure how he feels. Complicated guy. Well yes I have made up my mind about going, because the extra lessons aren't a total ruse. And I am fairly sure that he is to be trusted if I don't give off any signs. Now, it's all down to me, not to give those extra signs! That's the quandary, basically. (and I really needed a friendly ear :s) You stated that when you are with your BF, you really can't turn your mind off and just relax and allow yourself to feel him (per say) when he is performing oral or manual pleasure on you. Why is that? What are you thinking about? Are you trying too hard to have an orgasm? I don't blame you a bit honey. My advice is to go for the gusto. First, tell your bf that you are having these feelings, I'm sure he has had them as well. Remain close and "date" safely other people, hell stay in the house together even. Be totally honest with him or that regret will eat you alive. It's not worth it to ruin trust. Surely your bf loves you very much to be dedicated and with you for so long at a young age. If he doesn't understand, it's time for you to go ahead and spread your wings on your own. The biggest regret in my life is NOT doing something, I don't regret the things that I have done because I learned from them. If you don't know you will always wonder and that's a killer itself. You only have one life here so enjoy it and don't ive to please anyone but yourself. Good luck to you. While I agree mostly, I would hate for HellsBells to throw away a relationship with someone she seems to truly, deeply love to have an orgasm by someone else. I do believe we should all live life to the fullest, but I don't believe in hurting someone we love just to ... basically in this case... get off. If you do decide to go, I think you need to be honest with your boyfriend. Does he know you spent the night at this guys place before? Where did he think you were? If you didn't tell him the truth, you are already starting to lie to him. That isn't fair to him. Don't get me wrong, I do believe you deserve to feel pleasure, but not at the expense of someone else. If you must go, please end it with the boyfriend first. Remember, he could very possibly find out and that will be even worse because he would know that this was something you planned to happen (maybe not the penetration, but the releasing of sexual tension either manually or orally). what if John has an STD? What if he is really a bad person, as in ties you up and rapes you? I am not trying to scare you, I am trying to get you to be realistic about this. How delightfully Mark Twain of you :-D I'll have to consider your advice, though it's difficult as my bf is rather possessive of me. No open relationships for him! As for now, I'm merely considering this one-time fling, very likely not even full-on sex (don't think I could do that), but I just feel my body needs some special attention! Obviously, in a monogamous relationship, this is still very wrong and I don't want to make it look like I'm trying to grasp at straws, making excuses for my behaviour. I read some articles about emotional affairs, and one of the items in a quiz about that was: would you be embarrassed if you bf would see video footage of you spending time with your "friend". I translated that as: imagine there'll be a webcam at John's place, streaming live footage to my bf at home. What I have in mind would guarantee I wouldn't be let into the house when I get back. John's asked me to pose nude for him (his drawings), admitted he would like to see mee bathe or shower, that he'd love to tell me his stories live and watch me pleasure myself (or do it himself!). But is that all just a game in itself? I know he has sex regularly with a girl in a sort of "**** buddy" arrangement (an ex of his, but of no further significance: they knew they weren't relationship material for each other after two weeks together, quickly broke off, but continued to have sex), and admitted she isn't very good at it (read: he does all the work, she's too shy, doesn't really participate). I met her by the way, lovely girl, and I'm not jealous of her, I think that means something. I'm fairly sure that I'm not "in love" in the sense that I want him for myself, that I want a relationship with him. Actually I'd love for him to meet the woman of his dreams, because he deserves it - he's had a very troublesome past with girls and has been heart-broken many times. I think I might be just "in lust", but then again I think about him ALL day, can't wait for him to come online, and my heartbeat speeds up rapidly when I talk to him, let alone when I'm WITH him in real life. Still being with my first guy, makes me rather unfamiliar with many of the feelings and emotions I'm experiencing right now. Up until now I've only experienced the classic "fancy - fall in love - get relationship - love" curve, and only once at that. Now, everything seems so jumbled up, mixed together, intensified, and then torn to pieces. Nothing's as clear-cut as it used to be. I want to love the one I'm with and be in love with someone else, at the same time. It's mightily confusing, I can tell you! I think you are in deep with an EA right now. You anxiously await for him to come on line, to start talking to you. I believe that maybe you have outgrown the relationship with the boyfriend and you are going to end up harming him (emotionally) and I am not sure if you will just 'stop' after this one time. Think about how far into all this you already are. You can't undo something once it is done. You can't bottle it back up and pretend like it doesn't exist. Kinda like if you never had icecream before (because you are severely allergic to it), and then someone offered it to you off their spoon and now you really, really want your own. You know where you can get it, you know how to get there -- but you also know that by having that icre cream, you are taking a huge risk. It could cause you to go into shock, break out in hives or it could be that you have outgrown the allergy and once you have it and nothing bad happens to you, you will want it again and again and then slam, you have a horrible reaction to the CHOCOLATE ice cream you tried (instead of vanilla). Whatever you decide to do, do it with your head held high so that no one can ever question your integrity or your word. In this life, we only have our 'word' to give people and if you knowingly and with malice break your word, then people will possibly decide to not trust you again. Once you lose trust, it is very hard to get it back again. Good luck with whatever you decide. You might also try posting in the sex forum on this site and possibly other posters can give you some things to try (should you decide to stay with your boyfriend and work on the sex issue).
nadiaj2727 Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 I'm with Jennie-Jennie and the others who feel that sex is very important in a relationship, especially at this age. IMO from reading your post, you know this is the real issue but you're trying to avoid it. Also IMO, if you continue to do that you are going to be very unhappy in your relationship and seek out more affair partners and other avenues. There is nothing wrong with a woman not "blossoming" until she is 19... that is totally normal! In fact we women usually are more interested in sex in our late 20's and 30's than we are as teenagers (it's the guys who "blossom" in their teenage years and then peter out, so to say). So IMO your problem is just going to get worse. There are plenty of men who would make great husbands and fathers and who also can explore an exciting sex life with you. You are cheating on your boyfriend and that's not fair. If the sex is that bad, get out! You will only regret staying and trying to make it work. If the sex was okay, now that would be different... but this situation IMO is *not* going to turn out well... it is already not turning out well!
Fieldsofgold Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Two words - sex therapy! It could make ALL the difference in your relationship with your BF. If you continue on your current path with John, it will most likely lead you to experience all sorts of things you've never known - first, sex like you've never had, then broken and irrepairable trust wih your BF, possibly the end of your relationship forever. Hurt, shame, loneliness, rejection. Maybe a lifetime of regrets. Maybe an STD. Think of the look on your BF's face when he finds out. If you can think about that, and you're still turned on, you need to leave your BF right now. Is the thought of a hot sexual dalliance with John worth losing your BF forever? . Especially if sex therapy would give you the same thing/better with your BF?
Author Hell's Bells Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Well, I've given all the excellent points posted above a lot of thought, and here's what I've come up with. Please feel free to chop my reasoning into tiny little bits and feed it to the kitties of criticism. Or surprise me with a box of chocolates, that's fine too. Here's what I want: To live happily forever after (including a family tomb or perhaps monument) with my boyfriend and our delightful and talented offspring. To be able to be friends with John, for he is a wonderful person and great fun. Not to be in love with John. To meet lots of people (of various sexes and sexual persuasions) like John, and for John to meet the lady of his dreams and have slightly less delightful and talented offspring than I do, because I'm competitive on the genetic level. Here's what I'll do: I'll go to John's place as planned. We'll talk (as friends and not mentioning the "in love with you" bit, because it's no good waving a red flag in front of the horny bull. Or cow, in this case. That's not very flattering is it?). I need to find out if I can possibly have a friendship with him that doesn't involve any sexual/erotic/more-than-just-platonic-friends tension on my or his behalf. I'll also tell him that I appreciated the story he told me, because it has given my libido a bit of a jump start after laying dormant for a while, and I'll tell him that it has revived my sex life with my bf, which is not entirely unlike the truth (meaning: it's true, but during sex I often think of John, which is a big no-no and has to be stopped. I'll see to that). Hopefully I'll have a good time, we'll part as friends and stay in touch as friends. If this won't go the way I've planned: if either him or me start fooling around (which is incidentally why I'm planning to pack a cattle prod), I'll go home immediately, do some more serious thinking, and if needed be I'll tell John the absolute truth, which is that I have had a crush on him for a while and that I'm not ready to jeopardise my relationship because I love my boyfriend too much, so that I'll have to not see him for a while. I'll take the bf to a sex shop and spend some (of his) cash, and have fun! I'll try my hand at writing erotic stories (while empathically NOT thinking of John) and see if my boyfriend is interested, otherwise, they'll just be for myself. (I'll also try to lessen the use of the parenthesis in my written conversation, because it's driving even me insane. And I don't even proof-read!) So, what do you think? PS: my boyfriend will never EVER visit any kind of therapist. It's a taboo subject as far as he's concerned. I'm not too comfy with it either. I know it's a decent option but at the moment, not one I'm likely to take. I'll keep it open though.
BB07 Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Well since you asked what we think.... Your plan has disaster written all over, but I suspect that you are going to do just exactly as you've said below regardless of what anyone says, but...........here you go anyway. You can't back up and be just friends with someone who you have a strong sexual attraction with, it just doesn't work like that and you are kidding yourself if you think it does. You don't have to tell him anything and besides you don 't owe him anything. If you go over there to talk you are going to do a lot more than talking. You will be back here telling us how about it..........and how complicated your life has become. You may love your b/f but you are NOT ready to settle down with him, nor is he the right one, hence this strong powerful attraction to John. Do yourself and your b/f a favor, recognize that he isn't the right guy and break it off with him, then go have hot monkey sex with John. First things first..........ya know. Well, I've given all the excellent points posted above a lot of thought, and here's what I've come up with. Please feel free to chop my reasoning into tiny little bits and feed it to the kitties of criticism. Or surprise me with a box of chocolates, that's fine too. Here's what I want: To live happily forever after (including a family tomb or perhaps monument) with my boyfriend and our delightful and talented offspring. To be able to be friends with John, for he is a wonderful person and great fun. Not to be in love with John. To meet lots of people (of various sexes and sexual persuasions) like John, and for John to meet the lady of his dreams and have slightly less delightful and talented offspring than I do, because I'm competitive on the genetic level. Here's what I'll do: I'll go to John's place as planned. We'll talk (as friends and not mentioning the "in love with you" bit, because it's no good waving a red flag in front of the horny bull. Or cow, in this case. That's not very flattering is it?). I need to find out if I can possibly have a friendship with him that doesn't involve any sexual/erotic/more-than-just-platonic-friends tension on my or his behalf. I'll also tell him that I appreciated the story he told me, because it has given my libido a bit of a jump start after laying dormant for a while, and I'll tell him that it has revived my sex life with my bf, which is not entirely unlike the truth (meaning: it's true, but during sex I often think of John, which is a big no-no and has to be stopped. I'll see to that). Hopefully I'll have a good time, we'll part as friends and stay in touch as friends. If this won't go the way I've planned: if either him or me start fooling around (which is incidentally why I'm planning to pack a cattle prod), I'll go home immediately, do some more serious thinking, and if needed be I'll tell John the absolute truth, which is that I have had a crush on him for a while and that I'm not ready to jeopardise my relationship because I love my boyfriend too much, so that I'll have to not see him for a while. I'll take the bf to a sex shop and spend some (of his) cash, and have fun! I'll try my hand at writing erotic stories (while empathically NOT thinking of John) and see if my boyfriend is interested, otherwise, they'll just be for myself. (I'll also try to lessen the use of the parenthesis in my written conversation, because it's driving even me insane. And I don't even proof-read!) So, what do you think? PS: my boyfriend will never EVER visit any kind of therapist. It's a taboo subject as far as he's concerned. I'm not too comfy with it either. I know it's a decent option but at the moment, not one I'm likely to take. I'll keep it open though.
Author Hell's Bells Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Hmm, yes, I'd hate to seem like the kind of person who disputes or ignores any statement that contradicts her own beliefs (because I'm not, usually), but you must admit that stating you KNOW the relationship between two people you don't know is doomed, just based on the (very biased, I might add) descriptions of some parts of it, is kind of presumptuous. Of course everybody speaks from their own experiences and world views and all that. No problem you thinking that, but allow me to take issue (though not offence). Here's what my bf and I have in common: a 7 year history of love and friendship level of education views on politics, religion, social & family matters ideas about the/our future most interests and hobbies sense of humour a dog Here's what we have not (quite yet) got in common: sex drive Yet you claim to know for sure we're a match made in the pits of hell. As I said: I'm not quite ready to believe you, if I may be so bold Also, I'm getting a sense from you that you don't believe I have an ounce of self-restraint and common sense. I cannot possibly claim I can keep myself from being in love with John. I CAN however most certainly claim that I'll have the presence of mind not to get naked and jump into bed with him. Whether you believe that or not is totally up to you. If I have to come up with an excuse not to go to John's place next saturday... what would you propose I'd say? Without suggesting, obviously, the "horny for you" issue? Just curious :-)
Silly_Girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Hmm, yes, I'd hate to seem like the kind of person who disputes or ignores any statement that contradicts her own beliefs (because I'm not, usually), but you must admit that stating you KNOW the relationship between two people you don't know is doomed, just based on the (very biased, I might add) descriptions of some parts of it, is kind of presumptuous. Of course everybody speaks from their own experiences and world views and all that. No problem you thinking that, but allow me to take issue (though not offence). Here's what my bf and I have in common: a 7 year history of love and friendship level of education views on politics, religion, social & family matters ideas about the/our future most interests and hobbies sense of humour a dog Here's what we have not (quite yet) got in common: sex drive loyalty honesty Yet you claim to know for sure we're a match made in the pits of hell. As I said: I'm not quite ready to believe you, if I may be so bold Also, I'm getting a sense from you that you don't believe I have an ounce of self-restraint and common sense. I cannot possibly claim I can keep myself from being in love with John. I CAN however most certainly claim that I'll have the presence of mind not to get naked and jump into bed with him. Whether you believe that or not is totally up to you. If I have to come up with an excuse not to go to John's place next saturday... what would you propose I'd say? Without suggesting, obviously, the "horny for you" issue? A good friend desperately needs a hand with relationship problems/babysitting/decorating - who cares? Stay away from someone with whom you've overstepped boundaries. Work on your existing relationship with a man who sounds wonderful. Investing in anything else is dangerous and disrespectful. I think you can do this and end up with a very happy relationship with your guy. Just curious :-) Good luck
VeveCakes Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Wow. I feel sorry for your boyfriend. Listen, the people hear speak from experience and hearing the many many stories of affairs, and relationship hardship. If you continue this "friendship" with John, do the right thing and break up with your boyfriend. It is NOT fair to go behind your boyfriends back. He deserves the truth and happiness as much as you do. Don't be selfish and stay with him to have a stable future and comfort. He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him and only him.
Author Hell's Bells Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Hah okay, touché mon amie, I'll give you "honesty". I'm not totally convinced that having a one-sided crush on someone else indisputably means a lack of loyalty. Though, I am aware of the rationalisation process people involved in emotional affairs have, saying that "I haven't allowed something physical to happen yet, therefore I should be put on a pedestal and lauded for my virtue". Not that naive. I'll let you guys know how it went. As for now, I'd like to thank you all for giving me the opportunity to douse you in drivel and expect the answer to life, the universe and everything in return, preferably a straight-forward, uncomplicated and easily digestible one that would fit on a T-shirt and make my life a living wellness centre of youth and happiness. I'm nearly as stubborn as I am uncertain, but you're all darlings and I wish for you to never have to queue in the rain anywhere ever (unless you're going to a Justin Bieber concert, then it's really all on your own head).
VeveCakes Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Does your bf know you are going?? It only takes one lie to star the demise of a great relationship. Tell him and see what he thinks of the situation. Honesty is the right thing.
BB07 Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Hmm, yes, I'd hate to seem like the kind of person who disputes or ignores any statement that contradicts her own beliefs (because I'm not, usually), but you must admit that stating you KNOW the relationship between two people you don't know is doomed, just based on the (very biased, I might add) descriptions of some parts of it, is kind of presumptuous. Don't put words in my mouth.....I didn't say your relationship is doomed. I said I think you are going to act on your feelings for John and then disaster is going to ensue. Just my opinion of course. Of course everybody speaks from their own experiences and world views and all that. No problem you thinking that, but allow me to take issue (though not offence). I'm a lot older than you and i have lots of real life experience and I know human nature. Hell I've made plenty of my own mistakes. Here's what my bf and I have in common: a 7 year history of love and friendship level of education views on politics, religion, social & family matters ideas about the/our future most interests and hobbies sense of humour a dog Here's what we have not (quite yet) got in common: sex drive Sex is a very, very important part of a relationship. No it's not the be all, end all, but to be so young and deprive yourself of this is not fair to yourself or to your b/f. As someone else pointed out, you've just now been awakened to what your body and mind really desires and before you thought that it wasn't that big of a deal. It's like now you are a real woman who has real wants and desires. You can't put that part of you back to sleep. I was about the same age as you are, when I had my awakening. Yet you claim to know for sure we're a match made in the pits of hell. As I said: I'm not quite ready to believe you, if I may be so bold You can be bold and I'm sorry to offend you, but I'm just trying to save you some grief and pain. Also, I'm getting a sense from you that you don't believe I have an ounce of self-restraint and common sense. I cannot possibly claim I can keep myself from being in love with John. I CAN however most certainly claim that I'll have the presence of mind not to get naked and jump into bed with him. Whether you believe that or not is totally up to you. If I have to come up with an excuse not to go to John's place next saturday... what would you propose I'd say? Without suggesting, obviously, the "horny for you" issue? Just curious :-) It's not that I don't believe you about your common sense and restrain but you are playing with fire, (I know from past experience, way back when, lol.) Remember curiosity is what killed the cat. Again if you really want to stay clear of complications and angst, then stay away from John, you owe him nothing. I'm sorry if I come across harsh, but you've got a real problem and you can't go back to how it was before, in spite of you believing that you can handle it. I stand by my opinion that your b/f is not the right guy for you, else you would not be facing this struggle and to pretend that he is, you are selling yourself a lie. Just my 2 cents......I wish you all the best and I'm sorry that you are in this tough spot.
BB07 Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Hah okay, touché mon amie, I'll give you "honesty". I'm not totally convinced that having a one-sided crush on someone else indisputably means a lack of loyalty. Though, I am aware of the rationalisation process people involved in emotional affairs have, saying that "I haven't allowed something physical to happen yet, therefore I should be put on a pedestal and lauded for my virtue". Not that naive. I'll let you guys know how it went. As for now, I'd like to thank you all for giving me the opportunity to douse you in drivel and expect the answer to life, the universe and everything in return, preferably a straight-forward, uncomplicated and easily digestible one that would fit on a T-shirt and make my life a living wellness centre of youth and happiness. I'm nearly as stubborn as I am uncertain, but you're all darlings and I wish for you to never have to queue in the rain anywhere ever (unless you're going to a Justin Bieber concert, then it's really all on your own head). OH please.........get over yourself and at least listen to what others have learned the hard way.
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