BurriedAlive Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Hello all.... Long time no talk which I think under these circumstances is not a great thing... Anyway, in case anyone wants an update on the last "EA" that I had, it is just a friendship. He is a guy I work with and I really couldn't care less about his marriage or anything else for that matter. I barely ever speak to him anymore and it's very unimportant when I do. Very glad to have put that one behind me without causing ANY damage. For the record, nothing ever turned physical or even approached that line and I am very proud of that. So let's fast forward to my current situation. About a month ago I meet a fabulous single man. Well he was separated but claimed not to love his wife anymore. Of course I was a little bit sceptical given all the stories I have heard on here. Anyway, he was no longer living at home, had moved and separation papers were in the works. There was no reason to believe that things were any other way than what they seemed. He made me feel like a million dollars. He would text and call me and we would go out and do stuff. It was so much fun. Finally, the guy I have been waiting for. We met online and he deleted his profile within 5 days of meeting me. I couldn't believe my luck. Guys never do that! I asked him if he wanted me to delete mine and he said it was up to me. I hid it but it was confusing to me. Why would he delete his but not care if I deleted mine? Anyway, I didn't see anyone else. Very shortly after that, he started calling me his girlfriend and he would sleep over every night he could. It was awesome. I know x-W kept after him to get back together but he says he kept telling her that he didn't love her and the only reason he would come back was for the boys. We seen each other very publicly, I was not a secret. Also, I seen some of the text messages he sent to her and she sent to him and there was no plans for a reconciliation. Last Wednesday he told his sister about me. He told her that he was happier with me in the past month than he had been in the 14 years he was married (he actually told me this many times). His sister told him that he just couldn't be alone. I asked him if she was right and he said that she knew him best and she probably was. I also asked him again if he wanted me to delete my profile. He again said it was up to me. This was not the answer I was looking for. Thursday I get a text message saying that he couldn't see me anymore. "I want to see you every day, but I can't." He came over that night to say "goodbye". It was tearful... even on his end. Again the online thing came up and he said that I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't already thinking about it. I think he thought I was not into him. The last few days have been AWFUL. My heart feels very broken. He deleted me as a contact off BB mgr. This makes me feel so bad. I sent him a message yesterday saying that I missed him and could we be friends? No response. This morning I sent him a text asking him if he got my email. No response. Well, about an hour ago, the phone rings... Guess who? He tells me that he got my message and that he would love to be friends with me "you are friggin awesome," he says. Then he tells me that he is going to try again with his wife!!!!!!! Bomb drops. I say "but you said you don't love her." "I don't but it will be much easier seeing the boys. I loved her once, I married her hopefully I can find that again." Me: "so you are going back for the kids?" Him: "Yes, I hope it works, I am going to try anyway." WTF. This guy has spent the last 4 weeks telling me how much he loved the time we spent together. We did a lot of hand holding and touching and all of the that. He said that he couldn't do that with xW. He had sex with her all the time but it was just sex. Apparently they had gone to a marriage councellor awhile back and she brought up how they had sex all the time didn't it mean anything to him? He said it was just sex, you know how a guy can have sex with a hooker???? So there you have it folks, another MM goes back "for the children." The story is getting very old isn't it??? It makes me sick. Who thinks it will work? He said he isn't moving back in yet. He is going to attend IC first. He wants to still have coffee with me and talk to me but said that if that got too hard for either of us, that we needed to end it. I really can't see myself having coffee with this guy. Anyway....
Fouts Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 Of course it's not going to work. Most normal father's would kill for their children, let alone just leave a fling to go back to their wife (provided she'll take him). Find a single guy, preferably one w/out baggage. It'll be easier.
Confused4Now Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Wow!!! This is my biggest FEAR....So I get my divorce, work my xMW out of my life....then I find a nice woman and then BAMM!!! she's not really divorced. SCREW that!!! NO WAY. If they are separated and it's not final...it's not over. Final papers only then maybe we date better yet....you've been divorce for a whole year and you did the work of healing too...UGH!!!!
pureinheart Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Hi Burried...wish ya weren't here under these circumstances, although you are so.... I am so sorry that he is this indecisive...although you can decide what you want for your future, and I hope it's not the flip-flopping. Me being the all or nothing kind of person had to be the decisive one in most of my R's. With exDM, I knew better but cherished our R as friends, so that is the factor that kept me involved...he was a very good friend BTW, he did do a lot for me in many ways. Burried, I was so angry for so long because exDM was just not that into me (a recent thread which really helped)...I crucified him because of this anger...coming outside of the anger and rejection caused much clearer thinking. (FTR exDM did a lot of jacked up stuff, yet it was not up to me to crucify him because I stayed in it). Just a suggestion...when you can, try not to hate what didn't go down and be grateful for what did. As God as my witness, once you move from the anger the healing is faster and easier. We're gonna be ok;)
pureinheart Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Wow!!! This is my biggest FEAR....So I get my divorce, work my xMW out of my life....then I find a nice woman and then BAMM!!! she's not really divorced. SCREW that!!! NO WAY. If they are separated and it's not final...it's not over. Final papers only then maybe we date better yet....you've been divorce for a whole year and you did the work of healing too...UGH!!!! I hear ya CNM....any R is a risk though....
bentnotbroken Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 What is wrong with waiting for final papers? The separated crap is just that ....crap.
sugarmomma Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 How did you believe someone that says they love you after a few weeks. Come on sweetie, you gotta be smarter than that. Stop believing every word and wait and watch and get to know a person before opening your heart up like that. Don't be foolish. Be wise.
pureinheart Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Hello all.... So there you have it folks, another MM goes back "for the children." The story is getting very old isn't it??? It makes me sick. Who thinks it will work? He said he isn't moving back in yet. He is going to attend IC first. He wants to still have coffee with me and talk to me but said that if that got too hard for either of us, that we needed to end it. I really can't see myself having coffee with this guy. Anyway.... I am not sensing in this case that it is just for the kids...not trying to be uncool, just what I am picking up.
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Red flag, when a man tells you he's never been as happy as he is with you, even when he met his wife, got married, had kids .. IT'S A CRAP LINE. OBVIOUSLY he married his wife for a reason, fell inlove.. When a man bashes his wife or minimizes their marriage, it's wrong. Just wrong to do and shows how little respect he has in general. Sorry you got burned BA. Be single, let yourself heal and get strong so you can see the red flags (don't even bother getting involved with a man who is married, separated, or freshly divorced... Or "just" got out of a relationship) before you get hurt again. ENJOY being single. Be with friends, family and focus on you. When the time is right, a great guy will walk into your life when you least expect it.
siuys Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Sorry you're hurting. I am in a similar situation. Except I have been with my MM for 6 months. He moved out 3 months ago, everything was fine (but a lot of emotional ups and downs) and then he dropped the bomb - going back to his wife to try to make the marriage work for his boys. Anyway, i've read enough on this forum to know that the flipping and flopping is not exactly unusual. I am an all or nothing girl. I have suffered enough this past 6 months so I've decided it's time to take care of myself. Stuff him. He can go back, get marriage counselling (haha what a joke as I was and still am a secret I believe). And if he tells his wife, am sure she will leave him. Men don't leave. Normally their wives leave them. In any case, I know how much it hurts, as I am hurting as much as you as it only happened a few days ago. He also broke the no contact rule using some lame excuse like I still have stuff at his place can he drop it off? I told him to throw my things away, get a divorce, then maybe we can talk. I can barely function, but I know I will be fine. It's tough, but you will get there. Lose him. Get rid of this loser. You will find someone else who will treasure you AND available. All the best.
Author BurriedAlive Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 How did you believe someone that says they love you after a few weeks. Come on sweetie, you gotta be smarter than that. Stop believing every word and wait and watch and get to know a person before opening your heart up like that. Don't be foolish. Be wise. He didn't say he loved me. He said he liked me a lot and loved spending time with me. I usually am very guarded. He very quickly got through my coat of armour! I just didn't want to be jaded. I wanted to believe that something good was due to happen. Given that he wasn't divorced yet, I asked many questions around this and what he explained was very similar to when my marriage ended 4 years ago. By the time it officially was over, I had mourned it long before and I was ready to move on at that point. Never once did I think of going back to H. I thought MM was the same way. He also told me that she had hired a lawyer about a year back because she didn't love him anymore. She backed down I guess. This time he is the one who left. These two have a very long history of turmoil. I would be shocked if it actually worked this time.
Author BurriedAlive Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 I am not sensing in this case that it is just for the kids...not trying to be uncool, just what I am picking up. Well there is that possibility, that is for sure. The funny thing about it is that on Wednesday night he met my son for the first time. He has a son the very same age who actually looks a lot like my little guy. Anyway, when he broke up with me the next day he said that meeting him had nothing to do with his ended it. He said "all meeting your little guy did was make me miss mine more." I know that W had been using the boys as revenge on him. She made it very difficult for him to see them. Obviously he does get to see his boys when he wants if he sucks it up and goes back with her.
Author BurriedAlive Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Red flag, when a man tells you he's never been as happy as he is with you, even when he met his wife, got married, had kids .. IT'S A CRAP LINE. OBVIOUSLY he married his wife for a reason, fell inlove.. When a man bashes his wife or minimizes their marriage, it's wrong. Just wrong to do and shows how little respect he has in general. Sorry you got burned BA. Be single, let yourself heal and get strong so you can see the red flags (don't even bother getting involved with a man who is married, separated, or freshly divorced... Or "just" got out of a relationship) before you get hurt again. ENJOY being single. Be with friends, family and focus on you. When the time is right, a great guy will walk into your life when you least expect it. Thanks. I am going back to being happy being single. I am not going to look for Mr. Right anymore. If he happens to show up at my door sometime so be it. Until then, it just isn't worth the heartache. I seem to get burned when I do the wrong thing and burned when I do the right thing.
Silly_Girl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Thanks. I am going back to being happy being single. I am not going to look for Mr. Right anymore. If he happens to show up at my door sometime so be it. Until then, it just isn't worth the heartache. I seem to get burned when I do the wrong thing and burned when I do the right thing. I wonder.... That is exactly how I came to be caught up in amess. I wonder whether if I HAD been looking for Mr Right, and had my neat little tick boxes and long list of must-haves, perhaps I would have dealt with things better. Perhaps I'd have dismissed him before I became too attached to him. But I thought because I didn't want anyone, and wasn't looking, he was 'safe'.
Author BurriedAlive Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Sorry you're hurting. I am in a similar situation. Except I have been with my MM for 6 months. He moved out 3 months ago, everything was fine (but a lot of emotional ups and downs) and then he dropped the bomb - going back to his wife to try to make the marriage work for his boys. Anyway, i've read enough on this forum to know that the flipping and flopping is not exactly unusual. I am an all or nothing girl. I have suffered enough this past 6 months so I've decided it's time to take care of myself. Stuff him. He can go back, get marriage counselling (haha what a joke as I was and still am a secret I believe). And if he tells his wife, am sure she will leave him. Men don't leave. Normally their wives leave them. In any case, I know how much it hurts, as I am hurting as much as you as it only happened a few days ago. He also broke the no contact rule using some lame excuse like I still have stuff at his place can he drop it off? I told him to throw my things away, get a divorce, then maybe we can talk. I can barely function, but I know I will be fine. It's tough, but you will get there. Lose him. Get rid of this loser. You will find someone else who will treasure you AND available. All the best. Thanks!!!! Your situation does sound very similar. I totally feel your pain. I miss MM so much right now. So your W doesn't know about you either? W in this case seen that we were friends on facebook and asked him a lot of questions about me. He told her that he met me through work and that we were just friends. He said that she couldn't handle knowing about me right now. Now that he is going back to her, he says he has no plans on ever telling her about me. His sister knows though. Also, I got two very weird phone calls yesterday that I didn't think too much of until now. It was on my cell which is the number he uses. It was from a blocked number and the first time the caller hung up. The second time about 15 minutes later, it was a girl. When I said hello she said: "I think I have the wrong number but who is this?" I say my name. She said oh, sorry I was looking for Beth. Hmmmm, I never get wrong numbers. Plus the phone he called me on was his personal phone. I think the bill still goes to her house. I think she was fishing. He also told me that he gave her all his passwords so he couldn't contact me through facebook (I had deleted him last week) or email. I think she is on to him anyway. Should I tell him about the strange calls?
Silly_Girl Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 I think she is on to him anyway. Should I tell him about the strange calls? Let him clear up his own mess, I reckon. He may interpret it as you trying to hang on to him, or thinking about contacting her etc. I'd stay out of that if I were you.
Author BurriedAlive Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Let him clear up his own mess, I reckon. He may interpret it as you trying to hang on to him, or thinking about contacting her etc. I'd stay out of that if I were you. Sounds good, I will. Thanks!
cavedweller Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 BuriedAlive, You are correct about the 'strange' phone calls..They were from the wife..Yes, she is fishing.
pureinheart Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Well there is that possibility, that is for sure. The funny thing about it is that on Wednesday night he met my son for the first time. He has a son the very same age who actually looks a lot like my little guy. Anyway, when he broke up with me the next day he said that meeting him had nothing to do with his ended it. He said "all meeting your little guy did was make me miss mine more." I know that W had been using the boys as revenge on him. She made it very difficult for him to see them. Obviously he does get to see his boys when he wants if he sucks it up and goes back with her. I have always considered this an extreme measure, using the kids as a tool for reconciliation...well, she's got him Burried...wow, this is messed up!
Author BurriedAlive Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 I have always considered this an extreme measure, using the kids as a tool for reconciliation...well, she's got him Burried...wow, this is messed up! Welcome to my nightmare... jump in the water is warm! I feel sorry for her really. I wouldn't want my husband staying around just for the kids after he told me over and over again that he didn't love me anymore. I know the astronomical child/spousal support that she was asking for and he is probably right, it is "easier" to go back and try again. I think this is the third time they try to work it out. Maybe the third time is a charm, maybe not. As for me, I am just going to try and get him out of my head and out of my heart. I have no plans on trying to contact him. What is meant to be will be.
Angel1111 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I hope you don't have plans to see this guy again. He's not your buddy and he's not a coffee friend. Drop him. Basically he told you that all the time he was with you, he was screwing around with his wife. Here's the problem with dating a 'separated' person. You can ask all the pointed questions you want - are you over your spouse, is your marriage really over, would you go back, blah, blah, blah. But the problem is, when people are that deep in emotional turmoil, they usually aren't capable of giving you a reliable answer. Their emotions are all over the map. This can go on for months, even years. In this case, he openly admited to using his wife for sex. Whether it's true or not, it's a disgusting image and doesn't speak well of his character. It is so much better to date someone who has been divorced for at least 2 yrs. To compound the problem, this guy was basically saying that while he and his wife were in counselling, working on their marriage - not only was he using her for sex, he was cheating on her. And, yes, if they were working on their marriage and having sex, he was cheating. He's a dirtbag, plain and simple, and he's actually hoping that you'll continue to see him so that you'll start up an affair again. His marriage is probably crap because of him - not her. And seriously he should go back to his marriage and be with his kids. If I were you, that's what I'd tell him. And then never talk to him again.
pureinheart Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Welcome to my nightmare... jump in the water is warm! I feel sorry for her really. I wouldn't want my husband staying around just for the kids after he told me over and over again that he didn't love me anymore. I know the astronomical child/spousal support that she was asking for and he is probably right, it is "easier" to go back and try again. I think this is the third time they try to work it out. Maybe the third time is a charm, maybe not. As for me, I am just going to try and get him out of my head and out of my heart. I have no plans on trying to contact him. What is meant to be will be. Wow Burried, I am soooo sorry...ya, I had an aquaintance (her H was cool, but she was a gossip/bit**) that constantly threatened her H with the "cleaners" thing, I know he hated his life because every night he came home and drank a 12 pack of beer, mostlikely just to cope...man she was a negative person. He liked me because we had the same background and understanding about "street life", meaning you don't talk any kind of mess, or act like a fool because it could literally get you killed. Burried, also you don't know what else she has threatened him with...she could know stuff and have evidence that could put him away...I know that sounds drastic, but I have seen it before...you just never know. Man, I feel bad for both him and her, two people wasting their lives on what...life is too short...I say forgive him as fast as you can so you feel better...I wish you didn't have to go through this:(
Fouts Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 The kids are more important than either one of them individually. They both made that choice long ago.
Author BurriedAlive Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Wow Burried, I am soooo sorry...ya, I had an aquaintance (her H was cool, but she was a gossip/bit**) that constantly threatened her H with the "cleaners" thing, I know he hated his life because every night he came home and drank a 12 pack of beer, mostlikely just to cope...man she was a negative person. He liked me because we had the same background and understanding about "street life", meaning you don't talk any kind of mess, or act like a fool because it could literally get you killed. Burried, also you don't know what else she has threatened him with...she could know stuff and have evidence that could put him away...I know that sounds drastic, but I have seen it before...you just never know. Man, I feel bad for both him and her, two people wasting their lives on what...life is too short...I say forgive him as fast as you can so you feel better...I wish you didn't have to go through this:( I wish I didn't have to go through this either!!! It's funny how you say life is too short... When he called Sunday and he told me that he was going to try again with her, I said to him "it's a long life." And he said yes it was not to be able to see his kids when he wanted. Very sad. Today isn't a good day. I wish I could stop thinking about him and this situation. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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