Do I "do" something or just sit back?

[SidLyon]

My last 2 posts were about a "shift" that has just taken place in the saga of my fWH's affair with the OW. In brief there was another MM that she was "seeing" at the same time as she was with my H. We knew she was a "serial" but not that at exactly the same time she was trying to persuade my H to leave me, she was doing exactly the same thing with the other MM.

 

She had been involved with my H for about 7 years at our d-day and with the other MM for about a year. The 2 d-days were about 3 weeks apart. Two families were all but destroyed by their respective d-days. The other MM left his BW for the OW about 6 weeks after my d-day which just happened to be the day after an e-mail was sent to the OW that would have made it clear that my H was staying with me.

 

According to the other BW, with whom I have now established contact, he just up and left that day. We speculate that my H was her first "choice" (uggh) and her H her second.

 

Anyway I have now informed the other MM about her A with my H and I think he was shocked but trying to hide it from me. At his request I forwarded copies of e-mails that would have left him in no doubt whatsoever that I was telling the truth.

 

As far as I am concerned "exposure" is the way to go; so that's what I have done. I sense that the other BW is still too crushed by everything to be proactive in either saving her marriage (it might be too late anyway) or exposing the OW.

 

There are a few OW on LS but I get the impression that most don't have more than one MM "on the go" at the same time. Even so, is there anyone that can give me any enlightenment about the possible motivations of such an OW?

 

Also is there anyone that can give me any enlightenment about how a MM (who has left his BW and family for the OW) might feel on finding out that he was possibly "settled for" and that he wasn't the only one? I suspect he might just feel like any guy who's been "played" by a woman; but maybe not because he was obviously deceiving and betraying his own BW.

 

Last question addressed to those who favour exposure and shining the torch on infidelity. Is there anything further I could be doing?

 

The fact of the matter is that my H and I have done a great job in recovering our compromised marriage. This latest revelation has been all good for us too. Not because we take any pleasure in the pain of the other BW and her family, but because it has emphasized just how rotten some people can be, and I think my H feels he had a narrow escape.

Edited August 14, 2010 by SidLyon

[Spark1111]

Sid, as to motivation.....well, this is an empowerment dynamic about winning away an established man: one who is PROVEN in the areas of having a long-term relationship (married) and providing for a family.

 

It has less to do with love or lust, and more to do with empowerment, even at the expense of so many spouses and families suffering devastating pain.

 

It is really, really, sick and twisted and manipulative on many levels.

 

I personally, would never want to be anyone's default choice, so I would want the emails that speak to that (the other MM).

 

Jeez, and as a supervisor in my company, I would want to know that someone is creating SOOOO MUCH PERSONAL DRAMA in the workplace as to be a huge liability to time and productivity among my employees.

 

It is simply not done, poor form, and very unprofessional.

 

My H eventually told his superiors that he had betrayed his family. He did not mention names, but wished to cover our behinds in the event ANYTHING could come back to bite us in the future.

 

His superiors complimented him on his honesty. His AP had been a co-worker.

 

It's your's and your husband's call on that one.

[You Go Girl]

Obviously ego tripping.

Maybe also securing a future meal ticket, expecting one or the other would pan out.

Whatever she is, it's toxic.

[SidLyon]

  Spark1111 said:

Sid, as to motivation.....well, this is an empowerment dynamic about winning away an established man: one who is PROVEN in the areas of having a long-term relationship (married) and providing for a family.

 

It has less to do with love or lust, and more to do with empowerment, even at the expense of so many spouses and families suffering devastating pain.

 

It is really, really, sick and twisted and manipulative on many levels.

 

I personally, would never want to be anyone's default choice, so I would want the emails that speak to that (the other MM).

 

Jeez, and as a supervisor in my company, I would want to know that someone is creating SOOOO MUCH PERSONAL DRAMA in the workplace as to be a huge liability to time and productivity among my employees.

 

It is simply not done, poor form, and very unprofessional.

 

My H eventually told his superiors that he had betrayed his family. He did not mention names, but wished to cover our behinds in the event ANYTHING could come back to bite us in the future.

 

His superiors complimented him on his honesty. His AP had been a co-worker.

 

It's your's and your husband's call on that one.

 

The bolded bit made me think of something.

 

Here in Australia many places of employment are somewhat casual about workplace relationships and try to stay out of the personal business of staff unless severely impacting other staff in the workplace. The other MM and the OW both work at the university, and to be honest I can't imagine the university would be too concerned even if I did let them know.

 

However, when I talked with the other MM he kept asking how I found out about them and it's suddenly occurred to me that perhaps their relationship is not widely known at work and that he probably doesn't know that their holiday snaps are in facebook - placed there by another person that was on Holiday with them.

 

[before when I posted, a number of posters seemed to be telling me off for spying on the OW's facebook page - I never let on to LS that the photos are not on her facebook page anyway.]

[jj33]

Sid as you said you have been on the OW board enough to know that predatory OW are not the norm at least not on the board.

 

But just as there are predatory men, there are predatory women.

 

I once worked with someone who had affairs with the highest ranking men in each company we dealt with. She was was very talented and wildly political so she got away with it and eventually had to switch companies twice. None of the marriages folded but the men were besotted with her and never really got over her. A few careers were derailed. She wasnt all that pretty but she had an enormous sexual confidence and was very competitive.

 

She was also in her 20s and slept with men in their 50s who were blown away by her. She was a piranha. It sounds like this woman is the same.

 

There are very few of the women on the OW board who applaud this based on those who post.

 

But it still comes down to the same thing. Your H and this other guy went for it. THey are to blame.

 

I understand your need to get your pound of flesh but is it really a good thing for you to do to continue to focus your energies on this woman who is out of your life and your Hs life?

[SidLyon]

  jj33 said:

Sid as you said you have been on the OW board enough to know that predatory OW are not the norm at least not on the board.

 

But just as there are predatory men, there are predatory women.

 

I once worked with someone who had affairs with the highest ranking men in each company we dealt with. She was was very talented and wildly political so she got away with it and eventually had to switch companies twice. None of the marriages folded but the men were besotted with her and never really got over her. A few careers were derailed. She wasnt all that pretty but she had an enormous sexual confidence and was very competitive.

 

She was also in her 20s and slept with men in their 50s who were blown away by her. She was a piranha. It sounds like this woman is the same.

 

There are very few of the women on the OW board who applaud this based on those who post.

 

But it still comes down to the same thing. Your H and this other guy went for it. THey are to blame.

 

I understand your need to get your pound of flesh but is it really a good thing for you to do to continue to focus your energies on this woman who is out of your life and your Hs life?

 

I think you're right on pretty well all levels. I am not so certain she is completely out of our lives, sadly there's still the possibility that my H is her child's father. We never have got that sorted out once and for all.

[White Flower]

  SidLyon said:

I think you're right on pretty well all levels. I am not so certain she is completely out of our lives, sadly there's still the possibility that my H is her child's father. We never have got that sorted out once and for all.

(((SydLyon)))

 

I know we've disagreed on other threads but I'm sorry to hear this latest bit of info.

 

Damn.

 

You've now got me thinking more on the reasons I felt MY A was acceptable to me. One of them was timing. No way could either one of us become parents.

 

I do not relate to the OW your H was involved with. I do know there are some women who are competitive with men, but have not seen them take on MM. One of my friends is this way but won't waste her time on any MM.

 

It does amaze me to see how she competes for the attention of men. I never understood women like this.

 

I know you must have involved the other BW because you are on the side of saving a M, but I wonder if your H's involvement in the exposing has to do with feelings of betrayal (the OW betraying him) and if so, how does that make you feel? It might bother me if I were in your shoes. And for that reason, I'd let it go. Further, if she ends up with MM#2, wouldn't that make your M feel more secure?

 

Katanya, a poster from long ago, had two MM. She thought she was dating a SG with the second one though. MM#1 found out about MM#2 (serves him right) and she ended up having fun with both but never had any intention of M either one of them. She liked being single, especially given that MM#1 had a lot of time to spend with her and didn't really take MM#2 seriously since he started the R out with a lie.

 

*I hope Katanya doesn't mind me posting what she already mentioned in old threads.

[SidLyon]

  White Flower said:

(((SydLyon)))

 

I know we've disagreed on other threads but I'm sorry to hear this latest bit of info.

 

Damn.

 

You've now got me thinking more on the reasons I felt MY A was acceptable to me. One of them was timing. No way could either one of us become parents.

 

I do not relate to the OW your H was involved with. I do know there are some women who are competitive with men, but have not seen them take on MM. One of my friends is this way but won't waste her time on any MM.

 

It does amaze me to see how she competes for the attention of men. I never understood women like this.

 

I know you must have involved the other BW because you are on the side of saving a M, but I wonder if your H's involvement in the exposing has to do with feelings of betrayal (the OW betraying him) and if so, how does that make you feel? It might bother me if I were in your shoes. And for that reason, I'd let it go. Further, if she ends up with MM#2, wouldn't that make your M feel more secure?

 

Katanya, a poster from long ago, had two MM. She thought she was dating a SG with the second one though. MM#1 found out about MM#2 (serves him right) and she ended up having fun with both but never had any intention of M either one of them. She liked being single, especially given that MM#1 had a lot of time to spend with her and didn't really take MM#2 seriously since he started the R out with a lie.

 

*I hope Katanya doesn't mind me posting what she already mentioned in old threads.

 

Thanks for your hugs Whiteflower.

 

I'm fairly sure my H does not feel particularly betrayed. I think from what he has told me that he always knew she had other men. He said it used to upset him when the A started (2002) but by 2008 he had rationalised it! (Amazing what people can rationalise isn't it?)

 

I do think he would have felt betrayed though if he'd left at d-day and she had allowed him to think that he was her "one and only". The e-mails I sent to the other MM would have shown him that OW and my H were making declarations of love immediately prior to his d-day (and his leaving), and according to the other BW something similar was happening with the other MM too.

 

The other BW has been puzzled about why her H never moved in with the OW although obviously they are still very much involved. Maybe the OW really was waiting for my H to leave me - that's something I might never know.

 

If sending the e-mails to the other MM does succeed in breaking them up, I really don't care that much, and if he returns to his marriage then even better (assuming that is what he and his BW would want). Possibly that might prompt the OW to contact my H again, in which case he's welcome to her.

 

I really do think that my H and I are sufficiently past d-day now that he no longer feels that way about her. But you could be right. If so, I'll survive.

[jj33]

Sid if I were you I would let it die about the child. If shes not after him for child support, then why should you look for trouble?

 

I can imagine all these things are rolling around in your head plaguing you, but she the less you focus on it the better.

 

The only way you could ever get certainty would be to have a DNA test but do you really want to go there? Potentially suing her for paternity etc etc?

 

She sounds like the type who would certainly have come forward if it was his, or may yet if the other MM goes back to his wife. She may not even be sure whose it is. Life is stranger than fiction.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

[Mimolicious]

Whoa Syd! My head is spinning.

 

What a piece of work this chick is. I don't even want to call her OW- she is not worthy of the title.

 

Yikes!

 

So sorry that so many people are hurt by this person. One day she will get what she deserves, if she is not already.

[White Flower]

  Mimolicious said:

Whoa Syd! My head is spinning.

 

What a piece of work this chick is. I don't even want to call her OW- she is not worthy of the title.

 

Yikes!

 

So sorry that so many people are hurt by this person. One day she will get what she deserves, if she is not already.

I like your spunk Mimo, but I have a problem with your statement BBM because you give the OW way too much credit...as if she has evil and magical powers to lure a man away from his W.

 

He is just as guilty as the OW, took just as many risks to get preggers and get caught but I don't see you wishing Syd's H get what he deserves.

 

I agree this particular OW is a piece of work, but you give her more power than she deserves.

[jennie-jennie]

Might this OW not just be doing what OW are often encouraged to do: keep several options open? Why is she expected to be faithful and exclusive to a MM?

 

Let it go, Sid. You seem to like to stir the pot for this OW. Telling her parents, her adult son and now her MM and his wife - shaking my head.

[Mimolicious]

  Mimolicious said:

Whoa Syd! My head is spinning.

 

What a piece of work this chick is. I don't even want to call her OW- she is not worthy of the title.

 

Yikes!

 

So sorry that so many people are hurt by this person. One day she will get what she deserves, if she is not already.

 

I totally agree with you. Perhaps, I didn't have 10 mins to write 3 paragraphs about everyone in the picture getting what they deserve.

 

Syd's H- He got his coming. I don't think it has surely arrived but it must be torture living with the hindering thought that he may have a child with his OW. To say that living with the uncertainty is not karma- paradox!

[NoIDidn't]

Sid

 

I really think you should leave this alone now. You've done more than enough - more than what anyone else would have done - in exposing HER to everyone around. At the funeral, about the child, now another W and H.

 

Time to focus on something else. If she's not after child support, document what you have (should she try it later - it might come in handy) let it go.

 

This is not healthy. Even if the pictures didn't come from FaceBook.

 

(An aside - Your H likely rationalized the "other men" because he didn't want or need her fulltime as he was never planning to leave you. Not sure how comforting that might be considering the length of his affair, but its something to consider.)