Talk me down off the ledge [long]

[loozerinluv]

I am sure that I will take a beating here. But hope to also get some advice from someone who has been where I am.

 

I am a never married OM who was in a LTA (4+ years) with a married woman who had been a friend for nearly two decades, from before she was married. I understand that it was wrong and I am not expecting anyone to excuse that.

 

I guess in most ways the affair will sound cliche, but maybe slightly different in some ways. The A started as an EA but quickly turned into a PA. She told me that she had always been unhappy in her marriage and had always loved me and wished that she had married me instead. [Yes, I know, talk is cheap.]

 

Very early after our relationship became physical, she said that she wanted out of her marriage. She stopped the physical relationship with her husband and began scheming how to get him to leave. She was a stay at home mom with no income so she did not want to leave. The fact that she would not be physical with her husband any longer introduced a lot of strife at home, as you would expect.

 

I never really pushed for her to get out of her marriage, but thought that we had already crossed a line from which her marriage would not recover, so I told her that if her marriage did end, I would support her financially. I have been very successful financially, so I would be able to do that.

 

About 2 years into the A, her husband discovered that "something" was going on. To my knowledge, to this day he is only sure of at least an EA. She was unwilling to tell him anything about the A. She really showed no remorse toward him. Eventually because she would not answer any questions or work on the marriage, they separated. During this time, our relationship did fall back to EA only. But, after they separated, our PA resumed.

 

I know that I will get hammered for this, but I knew what we were doing was wrong, but somehow felt that the only way to make it "less wrong" was for all of the things we said to each other about being "soulmates", etc, to be true. I felt like if I stuck with it and stayed committed, it was somehow less bad.

 

Nearly a year ago, she ended our relationship. She told me that she just couldn't take the stress of making it work any longer. I have only spoken to her a couple of times since then. The last one of those times was a few months ago when she called me to tell me that they did go through with the divorce. She was very concerned about her finances as she was still unemployed so she said that she may need some financial help. I told her that I was still committed to supporting her as the result of my part in what happened to her marriage. She told me that she would let me know.

 

Just recently, I learned through a friend of a friend that she is already involved in a new relationship. In fact, it appears that she was already involved at some level when she called and asked me if I would help her financially if needed. I understand that after all of this time I should not feel hurt by this, but somehow I am. I still think about her constantly as much as I wish that I didn't.

 

Her x-husband has also moved on to a new relationship.

 

I feel like I gave up my future for her. I think that if I were ever to get in a relationship in the future, I owe it to the other person to tell her about my past. She deserves to be able to decide if she wants to be with someone who is willing to do what I did. So, I can't imagine ever being in another relationship.

 

I could have done the typical thing and thrown her under the bus when her husband learned that something was going on. But, I stayed and was willing to take responsiblity for the mess that I made.

 

So I guess what is not typical of affairs here is that in this case the WS did go as far as getting out of the marriage, but surprisingly still walked away from an OM who was committed to taking responsiblity.

 

Now I am left with this very unhealthy desire to somehow "get even" with her. It bothers me that she hurt her husband, hurt me, then just moved on to the next guy and was never honest with anyone. It makes me want to tell her XH and/or her new guy the whole truth, although I know that I would probably regret it.

 

I understand at some level that I should be happy that I got away from a woman who clearly does not see honesty as important and apparently has little sense of guilt or remorse. Yet, after nearly a year, I can't seem to let it go. I don't really know how to "move on" because, as I said, I see myself as not being able to be in a new relationship because of the guilt over what I have done.

 

How does anyone ever let go of something like this? The XH and the WS have moved on, yet I just can't seem to find a way to. This is my karma payback, I know. But, is it really lifelong?

[BB07]

I'm sorry that you are sitting where you are right now and I know it hurts and it makes you rightfully angry. Don't feel wrong for having those feelings, just don't act on them.

I wish I had some great answers for you, but I'm sure someone will come along and offer you some good suggestions soon.

 

All I've got is my suggestion in that you consider seriously getting yourself into some counselling.

 

I wish you peace and happiness.

[MorningCoffee]

So sorry for what you have been, and are, going through. My impression is that, for her, you were the safe place, an anchor, a support, and in a sense became the AP in what for her turned out to be an "exit" type affair.

 

I am no expert but have read that sometimes the AP in an exit affair becomes associated with all the pain and difficulties that the married partner experiences when getting free of the marriage, and somehow, that association makes it impossible for the relationship to survive the actual divorce and new setup. Perhaps that goes some way towards explaining the process she went through?

 

In any event, she has made her own way now, and you owe her exactly nothing. I suspect that having her get out of the marriage only to go off with a new relationship has to be every bit as devastating as a situation where the married person stays in the marriage and throws the AP under the bus. So I would urge you to have a go at some individual counseling to help you vent, to have a safe place to explore and release your entirely justifed anger and hurt, and to find your own way to a better future. Best of luck to you.

[califnan]

It doesn't seem as if you broke up the marriage to the extent you feel you have.. She was unhappy in the marriage - then used you, then went onto another after the divorce..

 

If you are lucky enough to not have wound up married to her, you are lucky enough twice. Yes twice .. ha You are also lucky enough to know she has moved on, before giving her money .. That offer of support was to be if the two of you wound up together .. Take it off the table, and sever your relationship.

 

You are being given a brand new start .. There are however, seven stages of grief - (look them up).. I wish for you, the brand new Shining future that you so deserve..

[loozerinluv]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

You have to find a way to release the hurt and need for revenge in some way that won't make you sorry later. Have you even told her how you feel? Write her a long letter if it makes you feel better. If you do any of the things you suggested, it won't change anything except to promote further anger and hurt. In the end it will make you feel worse, not better.

 

In terms of telling her how I feel, no, to my knowledge, she doesn't know that I know about her new relationship. She knows how I feel about everything else, in terms of the overwhelming guilt, etc. I doubt that writing a letter would help anything. She showed no remorse over hurting her XH and children. It seems unlikely that she will care about my hurt.

 

During the time that we were still involved while she was separated, I listened day after day to her go on and on about how screwed she was because she had no income and had been a stay-at-home mom so long that it would be difficult to get back in to the work force. It only made my guilt worse and all that I knew to do was to continue promising to support her if she needed it (she got a decent settlement from her XH, so she doesn't need financial help on day 1).

 

And no, I'm not a serial cheater. I guess that is the irony here. The only way that I could somehow self-justify what I had done was to make it all "real". I was in it for life and somehow that made it seem less tawdry.

 

I can think of a million reasons to just hate her and be disgusted by the thought of her. But, I guess all of the years of rationalizing to myself that it was "real" makes that too hard for me to do. I wish that I could get there.

[bentnotbroken]

I am sure that I will take a beating here. But hope to also get some advice from someone who has been where I am.

 

I am a never married OM who was in a LTA (4+ years) with a married woman who had been a friend for nearly two decades, from before she was married. I understand that it was wrong and I am not expecting anyone to excuse that.

 

I guess in most ways the affair will sound cliche, but maybe slightly different in some ways. The A started as an EA but quickly turned into a PA. She told me that she had always been unhappy in her marriage and had always loved me and wished that she had married me instead. [Yes, I know, talk is cheap.]

 

Very early after our relationship became physical, she said that she wanted out of her marriage. She stopped the physical relationship with her husband and began scheming how to get him to leave. She was a stay at home mom with no income so she did not want to leave. The fact that she would not be physical with her husband any longer introduced a lot of strife at home, as you would expect.

 

I never really pushed for her to get out of her marriage, but thought that we had already crossed a line from which her marriage would not recover, so I told her that if her marriage did end, I would support her financially. I have been very successful financially, so I would be able to do that.

 

About 2 years into the A, her husband discovered that "something" was going on. To my knowledge, to this day he is only sure of at least an EA. She was unwilling to tell him anything about the A. She really showed no remorse toward him. Eventually because she would not answer any questions or work on the marriage, they separated. During this time, our relationship did fall back to EA only. But, after they separated, our PA resumed.

 

I know that I will get hammered for this, but I knew what we were doing was wrong, but somehow felt that the only way to make it "less wrong" was for all of the things we said to each other about being "soulmates", etc, to be true. I felt like if I stuck with it and stayed committed, it was somehow less bad.

 

Nearly a year ago, she ended our relationship. She told me that she just couldn't take the stress of making it work any longer. I have only spoken to her a couple of times since then. The last one of those times was a few months ago when she called me to tell me that they did go through with the divorce. She was very concerned about her finances as she was still unemployed so she said that she may need some financial help. I told her that I was still committed to supporting her as the result of my part in what happened to her marriage. She told me that she would let me know.

 

Just recently, I learned through a friend of a friend that she is already involved in a new relationship. In fact, it appears that she was already involved at some level when she called and asked me if I would help her financially if needed. I understand that after all of this time I should not feel hurt by this, but somehow I am. I still think about her constantly as much as I wish that I didn't.

 

Her x-husband has also moved on to a new relationship.

 

I feel like I gave up my future for her. I think that if I were ever to get in a relationship in the future, I owe it to the other person to tell her about my past. She deserves to be able to decide if she wants to be with someone who is willing to do what I did. So, I can't imagine ever being in another relationship.

 

I could have done the typical thing and thrown her under the bus when her husband learned that something was going on. But, I stayed and was willing to take responsiblity for the mess that I made.

 

So I guess what is not typical of affairs here is that in this case the WS did go as far as getting out of the marriage, but surprisingly still walked away from an OM who was committed to taking responsiblity.

 

Now I am left with this very unhealthy desire to somehow "get even" with her. It bothers me that she hurt her husband, hurt me, then just moved on to the next guy and was never honest with anyone. It makes me want to tell her XH and/or her new guy the whole truth, although I know that I would probably regret it.

 

I understand at some level that I should be happy that I got away from a woman who clearly does not see honesty as important and apparently has little sense of guilt or remorse. Yet, after nearly a year, I can't seem to let it go. I don't really know how to "move on" because, as I said, I see myself as not being able to be in a new relationship because of the guilt over what I have done.

 

How does anyone ever let go of something like this? The XH and the WS have moved on, yet I just can't seem to find a way to. This is my karma payback, I know. But, is it really lifelong?

 

 

I guess my question to you would be if you feel as if you should get even with her for hurting you, what do you think you deserve for helping her hurt her husband? :confused:While in the affair with you, you were the accomplice to what she did to him. As you stated, youknew it was wrong.

[Silly_Girl]

I guess my question to you would be if you feel as if you should get even with her for hurting you, what do you think you deserve for helping her hurt her husband? :confused:While in the affair with you, you were the accomplice to what she did to him. As you stated, youknew it was wrong.

 

It WILL come back on her too, loozer. Bigger and smellier.

 

You're suffering now, and I understand it and feel sad you find yourself here. But you will come through the other side. The letter thing - maybe write it and don't send it. Lots of us here that very helpful indeed.

[bentnotbroken]

It WILL come back on her too, loozer. Bigger and smellier.

 

You're suffering now, and I understand it and feel sad you find yourself here. But you will come through the other side. The letter thing - maybe write it and don't send it. Lots of us here that very helpful indeed.

 

 

No doubt. But as has been stated in other threads, the revenge thing tends to come back on those seeking it. Our hurt and pain...shouldn't be allowed to fester until it sinks to the get even level.

[loozerinluv]

I guess my question to you would be if you feel as if you should get even with her for hurting you, what do you think you deserve for helping her hurt her husband? :confused:While in the affair with you, you were the accomplice to what she did to him. As you stated, youknew it was wrong.

Yes, I don't disagree with that. As I said, I feel that I am living my karma now. I just wonder if it ever gets any "better". Maybe it shouldn't. I do feel that my life is effectively over. I have no future.

 

I do feel like her XH was hurt badly and I deserve a large part of the blame for that. And then I was hurt badly. But where is the hurt for her? She had a LTA, never told the truth about it, took half of everything her XH had, and then took alimony. She never had to ask for alimony since I had committed to support her. In the end, she just finds another guy and moves on.

 

I deserved what I got. I just need to find some way to get over wanting her to get what she deserves.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, I don't disagree with that. As I said, I feel that I am living my karma now. I just wonder if it ever gets any "better". Maybe it shouldn't. I do feel that my life is effectively over. I have no future.

 

I do feel like her XH was hurt badly and I deserve a large part of the blame for that. And then I was hurt badly. But where is the hurt for her? She had a LTA, never told the truth about it, took half of everything her XH had, and then took alimony. She never had to ask for alimony since I had committed to support her. In the end, she just finds another guy and moves on.

 

I deserved what I got. I just need to find some way to get over wanting her to get what she deserves.

 

 

That's why we don't get to dole out judgements for actions. We could never be fair in what a person has earned as punishment. We want compassion for ourselves, but we want the one who hurt us to suffer until we feel better. Thank God we aren't allowed to do that because at some point in my life I have hurt someone and they possibly want me to suffer until they feel better...when ever that might be.

 

Take it for what it is worth, but you have learned a valuable lesson. You can help others see the path before they walk it. You can use your experience to change your own behavior towards others(like her husband). Remember who it feels to be on the receiving end of her horrible treatment. This woman was never about anyone but herself, she is a user. Typically they met their match and beat at their own game.

[Ellin]

Loozerinluv, please do not beat yourself up any more.

 

It's understandable that you find it hard to get over her, it's like your entire life story has been connected to this woman.

 

Please forgive yourself, she had told you she wanted to be married to you, you loved her and were ready to take all responsibility for her and her child(ren). You were as honest as the situation allowed (not being perfect).

 

She was the one lacking integrity. Well, you can't change that, that's the way she is and that's the way she most likely always will be.

 

You certainly do deserve to be happy and to find a woman who will give you as much as you are prepared to give in a R. Do not deny yourself that chance. Why are you talking about being single for the rest of your life? Get out and date, you have so much to offer. You sound like a man lots of ladies would love to have. Many will understand if you tell them your side of the story, I promise.

[dragonwave]

I too am sorry for what you are trying to reconcile in your heart and mind. As having been the OM myself, its not easy. Like many have said here already, you are beating yourself up far too much. While you are openly honest about the errors of your way in getting involved with MW, you intentions were good to see it through. You feelings were real and while circumstances at hand were far from ideal, you were willing to see her and your relationship through. Unfortunately, it did not go that way for you and it does say something if she can hit you up for financial support afterall that has occured. Unreal!

 

Bottom line, your anger of revenge, turn it towards motivating you to heal. Take it as energy to tell yourself, you will be damned if they can all get on with life and you cannot. As for a future woman, if you keep believing there will not be one, then there will not be one. You have learnt your lesson and now it time to move on. keep telling yourself and believe that life for you too will get better and put that energy into yourself and getting out there to do the things you love. When that next lady comes along, you should have no shame in sharing this experience. You are not a serial OM, its evident in yoru post and this lady was someone you knew for decades where the feelings and care was real. She will understand. Reagrdless, you need to forgive yourself and put down that bat which you continually beating yourself up with.

 

If you find you cannot cope with this on your own, do seek out some support and help. Life is too short to have it pass you by. I will recommend, as many others have on this site, "the new psycho-cybernetic" by Maxwwell Maltz. Its not geared towards indifiedlity issues rather towards getting yoru life back on track regardless of your setbacks and does give hope for the future. Good luck!

[loozerinluv]

Thanks to those of you who have offerred encouraging words.

 

I really didn't post in an attempt to fish for folks to try to make me feel better about myself. I am willing to accept who I am and what I have done. I will say that I have always struggled with low self-esteem. I have been extremely successful professionally, but not personally. The low self-esteem probably goes a long way toward explaining how I let myself get involved in something that is so against my own morals in the first place. Not an excuse, just the truth.

 

Going through all of that time listening to the MW go on about how ruined her life was because of what we had done just shreaded what little self-esteem I had left. All I could do was continue to promise her that I would not abandon her and I didn't.

 

I did try some therapy sessions earlier this year, but it didn't seem to help much. The Dr was someone who really pushes meds and I'm not really a med guy. I would like to try someone else, but it is difficult to pick a therapist from just a list of names.

 

I get people's point about I should feel lucky that I didn't end up with her. Someone apparently so incapable of guilt or remorse is probably not who you want to be with long term anyway.

 

I guess that is what I am looking for help with -- how to get to that point. Learning the recent news that she is with someone else has been an enormous setback for me. I still waffle back and forth between being exceptionally sad to have learned that she is with someone else and wanting to exact some kind of revenge to make up for the fact that she was able to hurt everyone and just move on to the next guy. I understand that I need to find some way to have neither of these emotions, not both of them.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks to those of you who have offerred encouraging words.

 

I really didn't post in an attempt to fish for folks to try to make me feel better about myself. I am willing to accept who I am and what I have done. I will say that I have always struggled with low self-esteem. I have been extremely successful professionally, but not personally. The low self-esteem probably goes a long way toward explaining how I let myself get involved in something that is so against my own morals in the first place. Not an excuse, just the truth.

 

Going through all of that time listening to the MW go on about how ruined her life was because of what we had done just shreaded what little self-esteem I had left. All I could do was continue to promise her that I would not abandon her and I didn't.

 

I did try some therapy sessions earlier this year, but it didn't seem to help much. The Dr was someone who really pushes meds and I'm not really a med guy. I would like to try someone else, but it is difficult to pick a therapist from just a list of names.

 

I get people's point about I should feel lucky that I didn't end up with her. Someone apparently so incapable of guilt or remorse is probably not who you want to be with long term anyway.

 

I guess that is what I am looking for help with -- how to get to that point. Learning the recent news that she is with someone else has been an enormous setback for me. I still waffle back and forth between being exceptionally sad to have learned that she is with someone else and wanting to exact some kind of revenge to make up for the fact that she was able to hurt everyone and just move on to the next guy. I understand that I need to find some way to have neither of these emotions, not both of them.

 

 

You probably won't want to hear this, but it takes time and is a process. Remember she did go to someone else. That should be a huge motivating factor to healing yourself. You can't come up with better consequences than God can. Leave it be.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I am sure that I will take a beating here. But hope to also get some advice from someone who has been where I am.

 

I am a never married OM who was in a LTA (4+ years) with a married woman who had been a friend for nearly two decades, from before she was married. I understand that it was wrong and I am not expecting anyone to excuse that.

 

I guess in most ways the affair will sound cliche, but maybe slightly different in some ways. The A started as an EA but quickly turned into a PA. She told me that she had always been unhappy in her marriage and had always loved me and wished that she had married me instead. [Yes, I know, talk is cheap.]

 

Very early after our relationship became physical, she said that she wanted out of her marriage. She stopped the physical relationship with her husband and began scheming how to get him to leave. She was a stay at home mom with no income so she did not want to leave. The fact that she would not be physical with her husband any longer introduced a lot of strife at home, as you would expect.

 

I never really pushed for her to get out of her marriage, but thought that we had already crossed a line from which her marriage would not recover, so I told her that if her marriage did end, I would support her financially. I have been very successful financially, so I would be able to do that.

 

About 2 years into the A, her husband discovered that "something" was going on. To my knowledge, to this day he is only sure of at least an EA. She was unwilling to tell him anything about the A. She really showed no remorse toward him. Eventually because she would not answer any questions or work on the marriage, they separated. During this time, our relationship did fall back to EA only. But, after they separated, our PA resumed.

 

I know that I will get hammered for this, but I knew what we were doing was wrong, but somehow felt that the only way to make it "less wrong" was for all of the things we said to each other about being "soulmates", etc, to be true. I felt like if I stuck with it and stayed committed, it was somehow less bad.

 

Nearly a year ago, she ended our relationship. She told me that she just couldn't take the stress of making it work any longer. I have only spoken to her a couple of times since then. The last one of those times was a few months ago when she called me to tell me that they did go through with the divorce. She was very concerned about her finances as she was still unemployed so she said that she may need some financial help. I told her that I was still committed to supporting her as the result of my part in what happened to her marriage. She told me that she would let me know.

 

Just recently, I learned through a friend of a friend that she is already involved in a new relationship. In fact, it appears that she was already involved at some level when she called and asked me if I would help her financially if needed. I understand that after all of this time I should not feel hurt by this, but somehow I am. I still think about her constantly as much as I wish that I didn't.

 

Her x-husband has also moved on to a new relationship.

 

I feel like I gave up my future for her. I think that if I were ever to get in a relationship in the future, I owe it to the other person to tell her about my past. She deserves to be able to decide if she wants to be with someone who is willing to do what I did. So, I can't imagine ever being in another relationship.

 

I could have done the typical thing and thrown her under the bus when her husband learned that something was going on. But, I stayed and was willing to take responsiblity for the mess that I made.

 

So I guess what is not typical of affairs here is that in this case the WS did go as far as getting out of the marriage, but surprisingly still walked away from an OM who was committed to taking responsiblity.

 

Now I am left with this very unhealthy desire to somehow "get even" with her. It bothers me that she hurt her husband, hurt me, then just moved on to the next guy and was never honest with anyone. It makes me want to tell her XH and/or her new guy the whole truth, although I know that I would probably regret it.

 

I understand at some level that I should be happy that I got away from a woman who clearly does not see honesty as important and apparently has little sense of guilt or remorse. Yet, after nearly a year, I can't seem to let it go. I don't really know how to "move on" because, as I said, I see myself as not being able to be in a new relationship because of the guilt over what I have done.

 

How does anyone ever let go of something like this? The XH and the WS have moved on, yet I just can't seem to find a way to. This is my karma payback, I know. But, is it really lifelong?

 

The ex won't really care. Y should u?

[Ellin]

Thanks to those of you who have offerred encouraging words.

 

I really didn't post in an attempt to fish for folks to try to make me feel better about myself. I am willing to accept who I am and what I have done. I will say that I have always struggled with low self-esteem. I have been extremely successful professionally, but not personally. The low self-esteem probably goes a long way toward explaining how I let myself get involved in something that is so against my own morals in the first place. Not an excuse, just the truth.

 

Going through all of that time listening to the MW go on about how ruined her life was because of what we had done just shreaded what little self-esteem I had left. All I could do was continue to promise her that I would not abandon her and I didn't.

 

I did try some therapy sessions earlier this year, but it didn't seem to help much. The Dr was someone who really pushes meds and I'm not really a med guy. I would like to try someone else, but it is difficult to pick a therapist from just a list of names.

 

I get people's point about I should feel lucky that I didn't end up with her. Someone apparently so incapable of guilt or remorse is probably not who you want to be with long term anyway.

 

I guess that is what I am looking for help with -- how to get to that point. Learning the recent news that she is with someone else has been an enormous setback for me. I still waffle back and forth between being exceptionally sad to have learned that she is with someone else and wanting to exact some kind of revenge to make up for the fact that she was able to hurt everyone and just move on to the next guy. I understand that I need to find some way to have neither of these emotions, not both of them.

I thought after reading your OP that you did not appreciate yourself enough. Having low self-esteem you think you're not good enough and worthy enough person and you don't deserve good things in life.

 

This woman made it worse by telling you that you ruined her life. In reality what she was doing was shifting the responsibility from her onto you and that doesn't show her in a very good light.

 

Try to accept that you are better than you think and deserve better than you think.

 

Your sadness and thoughts of revenge are natural after what happened in your life. Acknowledge these feelings and don't try to fight them. Think about what these emotions are trying to tell you. Emotions are there to tell us something and protect us. For example anger tells us we have been wronged and should do something about it. However, think carefully about actually doing something to get a "revenge" as you might end up feeling even worse.

 

There is no magic recipe to make difficult feelings go away. You have to work through them and it takes time, especially since this has been such a big part of your life. You are the only one who can deal with your own emotions but you can get professional help. There are so many therapies to choose from. I would suggest looking into Emotional Freedom Technique. I believe you need help from a professional because you would benefit also from working on your self-esteem and the causes of it being a problem. Probably that goes back to your childhood. If you don't resolve that you are likely to have the same problems in the future.

 

You really do deserve happinessn and I hope you find it. All the best!

[pureinheart]

So sorry for what you have been, and are, going through. My impression is that, for her, you were the safe place, an anchor, a support, and in a sense became the AP in what for her turned out to be an "exit" type affair.

 

I am no expert but have read that sometimes the AP in an exit affair becomes associated with all the pain and difficulties that the married partner experiences when getting free of the marriage, and somehow, that association makes it impossible for the relationship to survive the actual divorce and new setup. Perhaps that goes some way towards explaining the process she went through?

 

In any event, she has made her own way now, and you owe her exactly nothing. I suspect that having her get out of the marriage only to go off with a new relationship has to be every bit as devastating as a situation where the married person stays in the marriage and throws the AP under the bus. So I would urge you to have a go at some individual counseling to help you vent, to have a safe place to explore and release your entirely justifed anger and hurt, and to find your own way to a better future. Best of luck to you.

 

This sounds very much the case, very good post...hey, hang in there...and your NOT a loozer...K...

[pureinheart]

Yes, I don't disagree with that. As I said, I feel that I am living my karma now. I just wonder if it ever gets any "better". Maybe it shouldn't. I do feel that my life is effectively over. I have no future.

 

I do feel like her XH was hurt badly and I deserve a large part of the blame for that. And then I was hurt badly. But where is the hurt for her? She had a LTA, never told the truth about it, took half of everything her XH had, and then took alimony. She never had to ask for alimony since I had committed to support her. In the end, she just finds another guy and moves on.

 

I deserved what I got. I just need to find some way to get over wanting her to get what she deserves.

 

If I were sitting face to face with you right now, and you were saying this these words...you would see my arms making a circular motion saying in reply to this statement, "all of 'this' stuff is OVER"....

 

We all deserve death IMO, and if we were to all get what we REALLY deserve there would not a human left on the face of this earth...BUT because God loves us that much we don't get all of our "just reward"...it's called grace and that is the dispensation we are fortunate enough to be in.

 

Sorry for the preaching, although I am seeing WAY too much condemnation coming from you.

 

Ok, about her getting what she deserves...you feel slighted, we've all been there done that...

 

I was in a similar place that you are in, it hurts to see the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with happy with another...ESPECIALLY with all of the stuff you went through...in your mind, your thinking with all of the events that took place that now is the time for you and her to have a real life together.

 

I have to ask you this...were you ready to M her? You had the financial end handled, although were YOU ready to make a real commitment or was something holding you back...if so this could be why she chose a new mate. (this is just getting further info concerning your sitch).

 

Sometimes life doesnot go so hot for those that are mostly negative, and do negative things...cause and effect...negative/vengful thinking creates poisons in our bodies that eventually cause great damage...laughing is really the best medicine.

 

Be happy for her, and I know this is like unrealistic right now, but if you start "thinking" in this way things will turn around for you!

 

I'm going to call you InLuv (IL)from now on, k...I can't do the loozer thing.

[loozerinluv]

I have to ask you this...were you ready to M her? You had the financial end handled, although were YOU ready to make a real commitment or was something holding you back...if so this could be why she chose a new mate. (this is just getting further info concerning your sitch).

 

Yes, I was. If I had cost her her marriage, I didn't want it to be for nothing. I was in it for life and she made me believe that she was too. I guess you could say that I was in it for even beyond life. I was so concerned about her and her children's future after the mess that we had made that I had my will changed to leave her the bulk of my estate. (Yes, before you ask, the week before last, I went and paid more legal fees to have that undone.)

 

As I said before, the typical OM move would have been to cut and run as soon as her husband learned of what he thought was just an EA. Had I done that, I could have saved myself 2+ more years of heartache. But, I guess I convinced myself that after all of the damage, there was some nobility in not being a typical OM.

 

All indications are that the beginnings of her relationship with her new man were why she ended things with me. So, my thanks for not throwing her under the bus were that she moved on without even being willing to tell me why.

[pureinheart]

Yes, I was. If I had cost her her marriage, I didn't want it to be for nothing. I was in it for life and she made me believe that she was too. I guess you could say that I was in it for even beyond life. I was so concerned about her and her children's future after the mess that we had made that I had my will changed to leave her the bulk of my estate. (Yes, before you ask, the week before last, I went and paid more legal fees to have that undone.)

 

As I said before, the typical OM move would have been to cut and run as soon as her husband learned of what he thought was just an EA. Had I done that, I could have saved myself 2+ more years of heartache. But, I guess I convinced myself that after all of the damage, there was some nobility in not being a typical OM.

 

All indications are that the beginnings of her relationship with her new man were why she ended things with me. So, my thanks for not throwing her under the bus were that she moved on without even being willing to tell me why.

 

 

 

Oh wow...ok...maybe she is a commitment phobic (thanks for the added info).

 

About your screen name...it should read "FMWisaloozerinluv" !!!!!!! Ok! She lost out, not you.

 

I have seen people in the past that were unable to handle happiness and success in anything, they were insistant on making things hard on themselves.

 

IL, this makes no sense at all and I understand completely where you are coming from. Have to say though that she is the one that made the choice to compromise her M, and truly believe if it wouldn't have been you, it would have been another.

 

Try not to be so hard on yourself, and try to forgive yourself and her for your own sake...your not a bad person, we all make mistakes, some bigger than others, although I personally love imperfect people and get along with them better:D

[czecze]

 

 

 

I guess that is what I am looking for help with -- how to get to that point. Learning the recent news that she is with someone else has been an enormous setback for me. I still waffle back and forth between being exceptionally sad to have learned that she is with someone else and wanting to exact some kind of revenge to make up for the fact that she was able to hurt everyone and just move on to the next guy. I understand that I need to find some way to have neither of these emotions, not both of them.

 

I have a question to ask you, if you truly loved her, don't you just want her to be happy, with or without you?

If you just want to hurt her back, what would that make you?

Also, I don't think you need to blame yourself for her problems or her divorce or for hurting anyone, it was her choice, she very well might get a divorce with or without your involvement, if her marriage has no problems to begin with, she would not look for love elsewhere.

She might have hurt her husband by leaving him, but she might hurt him more by staying with him while she no longer care for him, at least, now he has a chance to find happiness elsewhere and maybe meet someone who really loves him.

I know the pain you are going through, how can she not care after all you have done for her? all you were willing to give up for her? This is how she treats you at the end?

But what can we do? we cannot force someone else to love us, to care for us, the only thing to say is that maybe you don't really know her, or that you were in love with the idea of her but not the real her. Or maybe simply she has changed!

Whatever the reason is, you may never find out.

And if you truly loved her, wish her all the best!

The best revenge is to get on with your life and live well!

[pureinheart]

Hey IL, I just wanted to add...like saying before there are similarities to your sitch..it is quite painful...

 

There was a recent thread called (paraphrased), he's just not that into you...that thread seriously helped me come to terms with my loss. Fact was, he wasn't into me...now as a friend, that was different, but the romantic 'I can't live without you, gonna die if I can't have you', just was not there. This lack of romance and feeling special and loved took a lot out of me...it was horrible. I have to have the undying love or I will die...it is better to have the hope of this love than to "sorta" be in it..

 

During the EA it was there, I mean he professed undying love, but when he went through the D that ended quick. He was a committment phobic.

 

See IL, we are not the problem, there is nothing wrong with us, we were not rejected...they were just unable to be with us.

 

We are "out" nothing....we gained...we woke up to another day and were able to breathe all day...God willing, we will wake tomorrow and breathe again tomorrow...we have life.

 

It's ok that exDM chooses to be without me, I'm gonna be ok...and want you to know it was just recently that I admitted that I wanted the R as much as I did....in the beginning emotionally I was the "shot caller".

 

Getting real really helped me (not implying you are not real). I lied to myself and held back deep feelings due to him being M. I didn't want to put myself through that pain...but was going through it anyway...man that was hard and VERY glad it's over.

 

Many can be extremely judgemental and don't truly understand the inward struggle.

 

Hey just keep posting and say what you need to...one poster brought up that in reality this is just a bunch of avatars...oh how true...remember that there are many here for you, who have been through what you have, or at the very least close...

Edited August 10, 2010 by pureinheart

[Ellin]

 

We all deserve death IMO, and if we were to all get what we REALLY deserve there would not a human left on the face of this earth...BUT because God loves us that much we don't get all of our "just reward"...it's called grace and that is the dispensation we are fortunate enough to be in.

 

Sorry for the preaching, although I am seeing WAY too much condemnation coming from you.

My goodness, it's so sad that you would believe such a thing...

[loozerinluv]

Oh wow...ok...maybe she is a commitment phobic (thanks for the added info).

 

No, I think that she is more of a reality-phobe. I have read tons of things about affairs on various website, in an attempt to better understand what happened to nearly 5 years of my life. One of the things that I learned is that her BH made all of the wrong moves when he discovered what he thought was just an EA. He begged, pleaded, and really gave her all of the power. Rather than expose the EA to everyone, he kept her secret thinking that protecting her from all of their friends/family learning it would help him save the M. That ended up allowing her to somewhat play the victim -- the poor woman whose husband left her.

 

I suppose the problem with she and I was that she could not divise a way that once she was divorced, she could go public with a relationship with me while still keeping up the public image as the innocent victim in all of this. She thought that if she were to try to do that, her XH would then expose to everyone what very little he knew about us having some kind of relationship while they were still married.

 

I knew that eventually going public with our relationship was going to be a challenge, but I was willing to see that through. You are who you are, not who people think you are. I knew that some day we were going to have to deal with the reality of what we had done.

 

So, I assume that she ultimately decided that she needed to get remarried soon because she was overwhelmed with trying to maintan the house that she got in the D settlement on her own and has no job so therefore would have no health insurance after a D. She couldn't think of a way for that marriage to be with me because she would have to give up the public facade of being the innocent victim of a husband who left her.

 

When she ended our relationship almost a year ago, she never gave me a logical reason. Just some mushy talk about how she couldn't handle the stress any more. It appears that again it was an inability to deal with the reality of telling me that she had found someone new that she could go public with while still keeping all of the secrets of her/our past hidden.

Edited August 10, 2010 by loozerinluv

[Chrome Barracuda]

Oh well...

 

The ex husband is better off. And you?

 

WTF do you get out of pining for a woman who could easily betray her husband, she could betray you as well...

 

You was the accomplice and she turned on you, there is NO HONOR among thieves. and you know what's the sickest part was that you planned it all...

 

You was complicit in her deception and went along with it.

 

How can you look yourself in the mirror every day you get up? knowing you had a hand in this man's marriage, If the truth really got out, how could any of your mutual friends trust you, you are NOT to be trusted.

 

...But the flipside of this is that you acknowledge it was wrong, and your free of her, MOVE ON!!! why dont you apologize to the ex husband, go for absolution and be free. mentally of your crap!

 

Why are you still thinking about this chick. she stabbed you in the heart as well!

 

And people wonder why im so against affairs?