sbradford2 Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) Well its 4AM and I can't sleep. My boyfriend of 11 years on and off left me yesterday. We have 2 daughters together and its all because of me. Well let me start by saying that I have a mood disorder. I've been told that its not bi-polar and that I'm just a major depressant. I have been this way since a child. When I am happy life is beautiful but my mood will change within a minute. I have studied up on this to try to help myself and even gone through counseling. My boyfriend couldn't take it anymore. I told him last week that I did not love him anymore and that he could leave and even though this is the exact opposite of what I was truly feeling I was so damaged inside that I took it out on him. For many years I have said things to him when I get in my down mood but he's just simply tired of me. I calmed down the next day and tried to apologize and tell him what was going on inside of me but he would sleep on the couch and refused to talk. When I picked the kids up from camp I asked them if their dad had said anything to them and they said yes. My daughter mentioned that he said to them while I was gone out to the store that they would not see him the next day because he is leaving and walked away. This brought tears to my eyes and I did not want them to see me cry. I know that its me but I dont want my children to suffer because of what I did. I feel that he doesn't really understand what I am going through and he never wants to talk about it with me because he says that I am a negative person and that it is all in my head. That's how I know that he really doesn't understand. He is a very calm person that drinks his beer after work and have no worries. And I worry alot. Well he supported me and the kids because I was laid off in May and now I have no income. He said that he would countinue to support us but for some reason I find that hard to believe. Anyways he will not call me and after calling him repeatedly for about 50 times to beg him to come back he'll finally answer. My cries don't mean anything to him. Over the phone he sounds as if it does not bother him at all. He said to me that I am going to hurt for awhile but I'll get over it and that he still wants to spend time with his kids. I don't know how to take this. I can't sleep, eat, or think about anything but how am I going to survive taking care of 2 kids without income. I tried applying for unemployment but was denied. I think he finally got what he wanted a life away from me where he can drink his beers and smoke his stuff without being around me. He says that he still loves me and that we can still be together but we just have to live apart. I feel that this is not fair because now he thinks that he can enjoy his freedom and then when he finds himself bored he will finally have something to do with me. I know that its my fault and that I ran him away. I cannot blame anyone but myself. I guess that this is my punishment. I don't know if at this point if I should let him come and go as he please because I caused this on myself. Sorry to take up so much of your time I just really needed to vent. Edited July 31, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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