Cappedomnivore Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 (edited) Ok so here it goes, I'll try and be as thorough as possible without this being too long......... I met my ex girlfriend just over 2 years ago, she was 17 and I was 24. She was a cashier at the farmers market I went to to get produce for my restaurant. Funny side note, this is exactly how my parents met. One day I invited her to come in ans eat. We really hit it off. It was near perfection from the beginning. I took things slow, she wanted to get me in bed within the first month but I wanted to show her I was respectful and dint care so much about sex and more about starting a real relationship with her. Plus, she had a "complicated" childhood and I wanted to show her not all guys are just looking for sex. So fast forward a year into our relationship and things are going better than I ever expected. We are in love, happy, and starting to have serious conversations. Kids, marriage, buying a home, growing old. I mean everything. That was July of last year. Now skip ahead to February of this year. She tells me that she just wants to be single for a bit. These are some of the exact words she said to me."I don't want to think of this as a break up, more as an on hold." "I'm 100% certain we will be together for the rest of our lives, ive always wanted that and always will." "You would be an amazing person to spend the rest of my life with and father to my children." Now thats some heavy stuff, she has never lied to me, even if I didn't wanna hear it, she always spoke the truth. We hung out weekly up until the beginning of June and have basically been NC for the last month. I only asked for her back once this whole time. She is the love of my life, my shinning star. I've never felt like I wanted to care for and protect and love someone like this before in my life. I won't chase her but I want her back. What do you think? Let me know, I'd perfer not to hear any negative ****. I know all the move on and blah blah blah. I've heard it all before. Thanks for reading. Edited July 15, 2010 by Cappedomnivore
moxo Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Well it's hard to give you an honest response that isn't negative...so to be honest, it sounds like she wants to see what else is out there to make sure you are what she wants. She's quite young so it's understandable. If you want to wait, go for it, but be prepared for the possibility that she may not come back. There are no guarantees, sorry. I really hope it works out for you guys though :-)
ALombard Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Hey Cappe, moxo is right there are never any guarantees in life. I can't really think of anything positive to say except if she is honest then maybe it will work, don't hold onto it though. She is what 18 or 19 now? What she said seems about right for a girl her age, she's young and she probably wants to go "explore". Take that any way you want but it's the truth.
spyyder Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 (edited) Just remember that if you wait for her, she'll be 'exploring' other guys at some point. Could you handle that?!?! If she REALLY thought that you were the one, then why would she have to explore? If you believe you have the perfect person, then why still look around? This is why married guys with long term wives don't have so much of a wondering eye....because they know they've found the one, or at least are stuck with the one. I'm 22, and I met my ex when she was 18 (she's why I came on LS). When we 1st broke up she also said that she wanted to be single and wasn't ready, etc. Girls that age think that there's so much out there, and that the grass on the other side is so much greener, when in actual fact it ain't! Both of our families think that I was the better one between the two of us and that she's doing something she'll really regret.....but she didn't care she still broke up with me. But anyway, girls that age these days just don't like the idea of having everything so planned out so soon as it kills the mystery. The mistake you made (just like I) is got too serious, too quick. You should have had the whole 'growing old together' conversation when she's at least 21/22 or so. Its ok to let her think that your the one, but not have the whole house, family, dog, children talks so soon as it kills the mystery. Anyway what I would do is go NC and date someone else. If you waited and she came back, you would just go crazy over the guys she's been with and it wouldn't work out. Only way is you live your lives as if you never met and then one day (in a few years) you meet up and start a new relationship again. Edited July 17, 2010 by spyyder
Author Cappedomnivore Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 Thanks guys. I know I can't sit around and wait forever. When we first broke up I think I was living in this "fantasy" world where everything would end up right. Im starting to learn that's not always true. It wasn't an ugly break up or anything. We didn't fight at all but i know that as cliche as it sounds, if I want her back, I have to let her go. I've been out on several dates and there is one girl who really likes me, but I just can't force it. I guess only time will tell. And her family is furious too lol. I ran into her mom a few weeks ago and she literally teared up because she missed me so much and was mad at what her daughter was throwing away. I guess only time will tell.
Ilovecake Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I'd perfer not to hear any negative ****. OK you let us know exactly what it is you want to hear and we will copy and paste it for you.
Ilovecake Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Girls that age think that there's so much out there, and that the grass on the other side is so much greener, when in actual fact it ain't! Actually I think it always is. Nobody at that age should be making a lifetime commitment to anyone or anything. Why stunt your growth like that? That's just looking for a lifetime of unhappiness and missed opportunities. The world is a big place and there are a thousand and one things to do, experience and learn before settling down. I mean what about school? If I had a daughter that wanted to get married at 17 or 18 I would forcibly have her sent out of the country.
daphne Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Cappe, Sorry you're going through the timing issue. I wouldn't necessarily wait around. She's very young and it sounds like she hsn't really had a chance to sow her wild oats. I don't think she doesn't love you, she just hasn't had much of an opportunity to really see what's out there to be satisfied that she can commit to you for the rest of her life. If she were 30 and doing this, I wouldn't cut her so much slack but I remember when I was that young and when I was proposed to and I was nowhere near figuring out what I wanted. Another story. A girlfriend of mine was at University and 20 or 21. She met a much older man who was divorcing his wife who had cheated on him. She got pregnant and they settled down to a life together. A few years later, she realizes she doesn't know if she can live forever with him cos she doesn't even know what's out there. He let her go, and several years later they are now back together and engaged. He knew she had never had a chance to just be young and date and see what was out there and he loved her enough to respect her. He continued to date other women, but when she came back around that was it. Don't put your life on hold, but don't hate her because she's going through what most of us go through when we're very young.
GrayClouds Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Be thankful she walking now rather waiting for another 3 or 4 years, it would be even harder. And even if you go get her back now, it will happen again. Go and live, you too are young and have a great deal to explore. Go out and make yourself a great life, one that can be compliment by someone else but not need to be. It hurts but in time you will see things will get better.
GrayClouds Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Actually I think it always is. Nobody at that age should be making a lifetime commitment to anyone or anything. Why stunt your growth like that? That's just looking for a lifetime of unhappiness and missed opportunities. The world is a big place and there are a thousand and one things to do, experience and learn before settling down. I mean what about school? If I had a daughter that wanted to get married at 17 or 18 I would forcibly have her sent out of the country. When ever I read a Ilovecake reply, I can help imagine that it is coming from the tough redhead in her avatar! Usually tough but almost always 100% accurate.
mike5770 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I just want to say great job with the no sex for a month that takes a lot of self control. I unfortunately jumped right in my last relationship and it lasted a whopping 2 months! If it is meant to be she will contact you.....good luck!!
lucozadekie Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Cappe, Sorry you're going through the timing issue. I wouldn't necessarily wait around. She's very young and it sounds like she hsn't really had a chance to sow her wild oats. I don't think she doesn't love you, she just hasn't had much of an opportunity to really see what's out there to be satisfied that she can commit to you for the rest of her life. If she were 30 and doing this, I wouldn't cut her so much slack but I remember when I was that young and when I was proposed to and I was nowhere near figuring out what I wanted. Another story. A girlfriend of mine was at University and 20 or 21. She met a much older man who was divorcing his wife who had cheated on him. She got pregnant and they settled down to a life together. A few years later, she realizes she doesn't know if she can live forever with him cos she doesn't even know what's out there. He let her go, and several years later they are now back together and engaged. He knew she had never had a chance to just be young and date and see what was out there and he loved her enough to respect her. He continued to date other women, but when she came back around that was it. Don't put your life on hold, but don't hate her because she's going through what most of us go through when we're very young. Firstly, HI EVERYONE!....it's my first time here. I think everything said here so far is right on the dot. She's 18 or 19, that's the age where everyone wants to explore the world and see what's out there. I don't doubt the love you have for each other, but maybe giving yourselves a chance explore is not a bad thing. I believe that everything happens for a reason. If she moves on, then you know it wasn't meant to be. Better to know that earlier than end up with a messy, unhappy marriage. If she comes back, then you know you've found the right one. Perhaps both of you will learn something from the experience. My own story, I met my husband when we were in college (around 19 or 20). We graduated, moved to another place, found work, and had major plans. We were absorbed with each other, never had the chance to see the world. Our different work environments and new colleagues offered a little glimpse of the world outside. Perhaps it was the curiosity or excitement of something new, suddenly my husband (boyfriend then) decided he needed a break from us. Needless to say, I was lost and heartbroken. To make a long story short, we spent time apart with little communication. After a period of time, he contacted me and things just started to happen for us again. I later learned that he felt he never had the opportunity to experience new things and meet new people as a single person. I also know that he met another girl at work, became quite friendly with her, but nothing came of it. I also met other people. We're married now and though I felt hurt by the experience, I know our relationship is much more solid because of it. Give your girl an opportunity to see the world, at the same time do some exploring yourself. Be prepared for whatever happens during this time. But you may just be surprised at the ending, it may all be for the better.
Author Cappedomnivore Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 Thanks for all the advice guys. I have let her go, I miss her like crazy and still think about her everyday but I've stopped contacting her. I've realized that the only way to really get her back is to let her go. It's just tough, as I'm sure most of you already know. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I am going out and dating but it just doesn't feel right ya know? I've lost not only the love of my life but my best friend too. It's not like we are on bad terms, I mean I could probably call her right now and ask to meet up for lunch or something and she'd be happy to do so but I know that wouldn't be right for me.
GrayClouds Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Thanks for all the advice guys. I have let her go, I miss her like crazy and still think about her everyday but I've stopped contacting her. I've realized that the only way to really get her back is to let her go. It's just tough, as I'm sure most of you already know. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Good decision, it hard but with time and some work it does get better. I am going out and dating but it just doesn't feel right ya know? I doesn't feel right because it is not right. It is going to take time to heal, there will be good days and days for some time, and simple no way to hurry the process. Your heart is not open to be in a relationship so not only would it be counterproductive for you to try, it would be hurtful to those you try with. Right now it is time to focus on you, learn the lesson of why this relationship did not work, and grow as a person. Not only will it help you cope, it will allow your next relationship a greater chance for success when you are ready. Read the following links and do ALL that they say: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? You will be better and happier for it. Good luck.
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