puzzled44 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I've been married for 9 years and I don't think I still love my wife any more. There have been several things that have caused me to feel this way which are probably not important for this discussion. In 2006 I told her I wanted a divorce. She told me that she didn't want a divorce and that she would make my life miserable if I tried to get one. At that point she said she would terminate all contact with her "friend" even though he was just a friend and nothing was going on. In 2008 I again told her I wanted a divorce, however I backed off because of financial reasons (house is upside down, she doesn't make much money, etc.) At that point she told me that she loved me very much and that she would have no further contact with her "friend", even though he was just a friend and nothing was going on (same thing she told me in 2006). This time I probably believe her because he told her he was getting married since she wasn't available. I often wonder if she really loves me or if I'm just a "meal ticket" to her. She couldn't live the way she's used to on her salary. I've worked for the same company for 23 years and the owner is now trying to sell the company. He has told me that if he sells it for what he wants he will give me a sizable amount for being a long-term loyal employee. This could amount to several hundred thousand dollars. What I'm trying to figure out is how my wife really feels. If I get the money will she then divorce me and get half of the money? If so, I'd be better off divorcing her now. Even if she doesn't divorce me the chances are that she will outlive me. We both have grown children from other marriages, and if I die before she does she will get the money, then when she dies her kids will get it and mine will get nothing. If I could be sure that she really loves me I would work hard at trying to change the way I feel about her.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 In my opinion, there's a lot of information missing from what you said. Why did you want to divorce her those other times? You wouldn't do it for no reason. What was the reason you gave her? And were you ever jealous or suspicious of her male friends that they were more than friends to her before she offered to stop speaking to them? Do you have any other reasons for believing that she doesn't love you? And in my opinion, no matter what the other person is doing, you should keep trying with your marriage. Don't give up until you know that she's given up first because once one person gives up, it's over and since most of the post I've read sounded like just speculation, I don't think that's a good reason to end your marriage for sure, since you two could still have a chance. At least not based solely on that, if you want to end your marriage for other reasons though . . . . Also, why do you think you don't love her anymore? And are you sure you're not looking for signs that she doesn't love you so that you could feel better about divorcing her? Like, looking for some way to justify your feelings. I, personally, do not like divorce and would discourage you from it, but I don't judge people who get one and also want to point out to you that there is no handbook out there that says that both people have to want to get a divorce in order to get one. A divorce isn't going to be easy whether she reciprocates your desire to get out of the marriage or not.
stillafool Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 If I could be sure that she really loves me I would work hard at trying to change the way I feel about her. Well it seems that you think she doesn't love you and you admited that you don't think you love her. My question is why stay married since you have no dependent children? Just get a divorce and protect your assets.
Iconoclast Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 You know if someone really loves you by their actions, not words. Question is, do you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her. If not, sounds like you have strong financial incentives to go now, rather than later.
Confused_in_canada Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I'll be the first to admit that I'm not relationship genius however if you've asked for a divorce twice your headed that way anyways. I don't want to believe in it either but, it's a fact that 1 in 3 marriages end this way. It's just brutale. We live in a throw away society, throw away cel phones, throw away printers, plastics and now marriages. It just sucks. Gone are the days where people get married and last 50 years!!! I digress, I would agree to protect your assets and by her saying that she's gonna make your life miserable then it's time for a Restraining order and for you to get away from that stress.... Again just my 2 cents worth. Evan
Author puzzled44 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 OK, I guess I'm not going to get any helpful answers. The reason I started thinking about it is because of my boss. He has been married about 22 years and he's a real jerk. His wife has been wanting a divorce , however she signed a very strict prenup before they got married. He has a net worth of about $10 million but the business and all of the property is in his name only, which is in stated in the prenup. Her attorney advised her not to sign, but she did anyhow. Now she's had the prenup reviewed by three separate attorneys and they have all told her that it's ironclad and she will get very little if she divorces him. He's 75 and she's around 60, so she will probably outlive him. So, all of a sudden she started being very nice to him because she knows that's her only option. He's happy as a pig in poop, and has no idea why she changed like this. He thinks it's because they've been going to MC. In reality she's just pretending. I know all of this because she talks to the boss's assistant and she talks to me. So, I know she's deceiving him and it made me wonder if my W is deceiving me also and staying with me for financial reasons. What I keep wondering is if she's just pretending to like me.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 You are wrong about her kids vs your kids...all you need is a will. You have a will drawn up that at the time of your death, your assets are to be held in trust with your wife receiving the interest on it for the remainder of her life and upon her death the trust is to be distributed equally among your children. About your marriage...you'd probably get a lot further if you focused on loving her and spending time with her instead of how she's going to financially screw you over like all those other women do. It makes you sound like a misogynist. Go to the bookstore or the library and pick up a copy of "Fall in Love, Stay in Love."
hopesndreams Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I've been married for 9 years and I don't think I still love my wife any more. There have been several things that have caused me to feel this way which are probably not important for this discussion. In 2006 I told her I wanted a divorce. She told me that she didn't want a divorce and that she would make my life miserable if I tried to get one. At that point she said she would terminate all contact with her "friend" even though he was just a friend and nothing was going on. In 2008 I again told her I wanted a divorce, however I backed off because of financial reasons (house is upside down, she doesn't make much money, etc.) At that point she told me that she loved me very much and that she would have no further contact with her "friend", even though he was just a friend and nothing was going on (same thing she told me in 2006). This time I probably believe her because he told her he was getting married since she wasn't available. I often wonder if she really loves me or if I'm just a "meal ticket" to her. She couldn't live the way she's used to on her salary. I've worked for the same company for 23 years and the owner is now trying to sell the company. He has told me that if he sells it for what he wants he will give me a sizable amount for being a long-term loyal employee. This could amount to several hundred thousand dollars. What I'm trying to figure out is how my wife really feels. If I get the money will she then divorce me and get half of the money? If so, I'd be better off divorcing her now. Even if she doesn't divorce me the chances are that she will outlive me. We both have grown children from other marriages, and if I die before she does she will get the money, then when she dies her kids will get it and mine will get nothing. If I could be sure that she really loves me I would work hard at trying to change the way I feel about her. She did not come clean with you about her "friend". Yeah, she'll divorce you once you get your money.
vodkafan Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Puzzled, forgive me but you seem in my opinion to be too preoccupied about money. Let's face it, women do take their lifestyle into account, that does not mean that money is your wife's main motivation in wanting to be with you. You are not your boss and your wife is not his wife. Forget about money and think about why things are not so good between you. It is at least 50 % your fault. All the money in the world will not make you happy when she is gone.
Author puzzled44 Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 Puzzled, forgive me but you seem in my opinion to be too preoccupied about money. Let's face it, women do take their lifestyle into account, that does not mean that money is your wife's main motivation in wanting to be with you. I'm not sure I agree with this. I think in the past it's been just the opposite. I can't describe how it feels to wonder if my wife married me only for financial security and if she's staying with me only for financial security. It's not a good feeling. It has caused me to feel depressed and have low self-esteem. Several of my friends advised me not to marry her because they said she was interested in me for financial purposes. I didn't believe them because I didn't have that much. At the time I had a good job, a house with $80K equity and about $100K in a IRA. To me that wasn't adequate to attract a woman who was interested in me for my money. Shortly after we got married she left her yahoo email open and I did something I shouldn't have done -- I read her email. There was one to her daughter that said she had known for several months that she was going to be laid off from her job and she was really concerned about it. Now she didn't have to worry because she had married me and she had financial security. She told me a week before we were married that she "might" be getting laid off, but that it was not certain. There was another email to the same daughter that said she had been going through all my files. She had found that I had $100K in an IRA, but there must be much more than that. Before we got married we had a verbal agreement that if anything happened my kids from a prior marriage would get the $80K in equity that I had in the house when we got married, and that any increase in value from the date of marriage would be equally split. She kept acting unhappy about the house and making comments about how it wasn't her house, and I was feeling insecure because I knew she was communicating with a "friend" which she had once described to me as the love of her life that got away that told her he was now single, so I had her name added to the deed in order to try to make her happy. I thought this wouldn't change our verbal agreement that the equity would go to my kids, but she sent an email to her daughter telling her what I had done and made the comment "his kids can kiss their inheritance goodbye". On numerous occasions I have heard her tell all of her daughters that they need to look for a man that's financially secure. I'm 65 and she's 61. Several times she has pointed out that people tell her that she looks like she's 45 and in her opinion I look like I'm over 70. Also, she has referred to herself several times as a "trophy wife". I have never considered her a trophy wife. So, am I wrong to be concerned about this?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 What kind of deed is it? If it is joint tenants with right of survivorship (which they usually are if you're married), then when you die, your wife owns the house 100%. Who is beneficiary of your IRA? Some states, and a lot of financial institutions, require consent of the spouse to have anyone other than them listed as a beneficiary. Verbal agreements don't mean squat when you're dead. The only thing that matters when you are dead is what is in your will and who is listed on deeds and beneficiary forms. You have been very lax in your financial planning, sir.
Author puzzled44 Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 You have been very lax in your financial planning, sir. I realize this. Verbal agreements don't mean squat when you're dead. That is true. My dad always told that a man is only as good as his word and I have tried to live my life using that. If I had made a verbal agreement with her you can be 100% assured that I would keep it after her death even if I had no legal obligation to do so. Prior to marrying her I was very trusting. I realize now that I my dad was an idiot and that I was an idiot and now I don't trust anybody.
mark982 Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 why not put your kids name on your half of the house deed? but you really need to see a professional. sounds like you got a "gold digger" on your hands.
Honorable_Venerable Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I realize this. That is true. My dad always told that a man is only as good as his word and I have tried to live my life using that. If I had made a verbal agreement with her you can be 100% assured that I would keep it after her death even if I had no legal obligation to do so. <snip>I realize now that I my dad was an idiot and that I was an idiot and now I don't trust anybody. For what it's worth, I think you're too hard on your dad and yourself. That fact that you and he try and tried to be honest and upright says nothing bad about either of you. Unfortunately, not everyone holds themselves to the same standards.
spriggig Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 In 1963 my dad bought a house for $20,000 in what is now referred to as Silicon Valley. The house has been paid off for years, my dad is debt free and the house is now worth something like 550K to 650K. My mom died two years ago and my dad is 83. I have three siblings, I stand to inherit around 100K, I'm guessing. While that money would allow me to pay off my house and make my life at this point much easier, I don't hover over my dad like some vulture--it'd even be OK if I didn't get any of the money for some reason. After all, it's not my money or house, it's his. Puzzled44, unless your kids are destitute, they don't care about the money, they want you to be happy in your remaining years. I suggest you shift focus from the money to your happiness and not worry about leaving money to your kids.
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