stace79 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Just curious because I have my own theory -- but for anyone who's had an affair, how did it begin? Did you work with him/her? Friends? Random person you met?
2sure Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 When I was OW ( a few times) I met the men at various functions - both professional and social. The only thing they had in common was that they were all married and all wanted something on the side. All I had to do was be available to that.
ladydesigner Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I met my XOM at work. Workplaces are breeding grounds for A's in my opinion. You spend more time with co-workers than at home. A work friendship can easily turn into an EA and then PA before you know it. I wish I knew this beforehand. It is so textbook. Hindsight I guess.
Samantha0905 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I met my XOM at work. Workplaces are breeding grounds for A's in my opinion. You spend more time with co-workers than at home. A work friendship can easily turn into an EA and then PA before you know it. I wish I knew this beforehand. It is so textbook. Hindsight I guess. And gyms! Hindsight is 20/20 for sure! I met mine at the gym and was friends/trained with him for a while before things went south. Generally I would think affairs occur when married people are especially vulnerable. If I say this, I get accused of making excuses -- but people are more vulnerable at some times than others. Anyway, we were renovating a home, both of my children were moving out that summer and I was helping my daughter plan a big wedding. Top that off with a not satisfactory sex life and general loneliness and boom -- the perfect storm. I was someone who thought I would NEVER have an affair and hadn't for 26 years of marriage. And it doesn't happen abruptly -- you meet -- you get a little friendly -- you develop a friendship -- throw in some flirting -- and slowly temptation takes over. Too bad there isn't some sort of alarm bell or a robot like the one in Lost in Space.
Secure Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 And gyms! Hindsight is 20/20 for sure! I met mine at the gym and was friends/trained with him for a while before things went south. Generally I would think affairs occur when married people are especially vulnerable. If I say this, I get accused of making excuses -- but people are more vulnerable at some times than others. Anyway, we were renovating a home, both of my children were moving out that summer and I was helping my daughter plan a big wedding. Top that off with a not satisfactory sex life and general loneliness and boom -- the perfect storm. I was someone who thought I would NEVER have an affair and hadn't for 26 years of marriage. And it doesn't happen abruptly -- you meet -- you get a little friendly -- you develop a friendship -- throw in some flirting -- and slowly temptation takes over. Too bad there isn't some sort of alarm bell or a robot like the one in Lost in Space. My xOM and I were friends and we both were vulnerable at the time for various yet similar reasons. You are not making excuses. I NEVER EVER thought I would be involved in an affair situation.
ladydesigner Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 My xOM and I were friends and we both were vulnerable at the time for various yet similar reasons. You are not making excuses. I NEVER EVER thought I would be involved in an affair situation. Me either. I was a BS and my mother had an A when I was a child. I was not a Pro-Affair type of person. Go figure. When the perfect storm aligns itself as Samantha pointed out A's can happen, they just do.
Author stace79 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Thank you all for being open and candid. Everything I have read says that many affairs -- emotional or physical -- occur with someone you already know and/or consider a friend/acquaintance. Knowing this, if you are in a committed relationship, would you now consider avoiding developing those kinds of friendships with someone to avoid the temptation? I agree with the post that mentions it isn't like you choose to all of a sudden be overwhelmed with desire for someone. Moreso, you become friendly and start flirting a little bit, and especially when things at home are not so great, BAM! all of a sudden you are ripe for doing something you will regret. I twice have discovered I was an OW, but never cheated. I am having a hard time explaining to my bf why you have to be cautious about who you're spending a lot of time with. But these posts just confirm my opinions about it.
ladydesigner Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Thank you all for being open and candid. Everything I have read says that many affairs -- emotional or physical -- occur with someone you already know and/or consider a friend/acquaintance. Knowing this, if you are in a committed relationship, would you now consider avoiding developing those kinds of friendships with someone to avoid the temptation? I agree with the post that mentions it isn't like you choose to all of a sudden be overwhelmed with desire for someone. Moreso, you become friendly and start flirting a little bit, and especially when things at home are not so great, BAM! all of a sudden you are ripe for doing something you will regret. I twice have discovered I was an OW, but never cheated. I am having a hard time explaining to my bf why you have to be cautious about who you're spending a lot of time with. But these posts just confirm my opinions about it. The answer to this question...YES. I no longer develop a close friendship with men that I work with and if it starts somewhere else like the gym, library, H's friends, I will remove myself from the situation. I can spot these things now whereas before I could not. I guess that WAS the lesson I learned from an A.
Author stace79 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 The answer to this question...YES. I no longer develop a close friendship with men that I work with and if it starts somewhere else like the gym, library, H's friends, I will remove myself from the situation. I can spot these things now whereas before I could not. I guess that WAS the lesson I learned from an A. It's so great you can see that though, even if it was learned the hard way. I learn almost all my lessons the hard way haha. My current bf insists that he makes friends best with females for various reasons. Since we are in a LDR, I don't mind that he "hangs out" with co-ed groups, but I feel like he shouldn't develop serious friendships with women b/c of exactly what you all have said. I don't think he's going to listen though. He thinks, like apparently many people do/did, that he will realize what is happening and be able to "control" or "manage" temptations. I think he will suddenly find himself in love with someone else before he even fully realizes what's happened.
Samantha0905 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Knowing this, if you are in a committed relationship, would you now consider avoiding developing those kinds of friendships with someone to avoid the temptation? Yes, I certainly think my radar would go up if any flirting starts and I would get the heck out of Dodge. My husband has always said it's best not to put yourself in those situations and simply does not have female close friends. Any females he hangs out with is always in a couples situation where I am there as is the female's husband or boyfriend. He also will never go to a business luncheon one on one with a female and brings along another business associate in those situations. It may seem hypervigilant of him, but it seems to work. I think if I make any more close male friends, I'm sticking with homosexuals. And I'm right there with you learning things the hard way!!
datura_noir Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Some of us learned all that long before we hit middle-age, like in our twenties during the dating war years. Naivete really isn't becoming after 40. I've yet to form a close friendship with a guy (or a woman for that matter) and NOT want them to get to know my partner. Especially an attached guy, that is icky. If I ever feel the urge to develop an attachment to a guy friend, to want more, I will kick my own arse.
Secure Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 The answer to this question...YES. I no longer develop a close friendship with men that I work with and if it starts somewhere else like the gym, library, H's friends, I will remove myself from the situation. I can spot these things now whereas before I could not. I guess that WAS the lesson I learned from an A. I could "spot" these situations in the past without any problems. This leaves me feeling extremely disgusted about the situation. My xAP was someone who I always felt was SAFE to have as a friend because he was married and our families knew each other. He was not someone my husband did not interact with like at my job or the gym. We have several couples who we associate with and never thought of one of the men in an inappropriate manner. I've had neighbors, coworkers, and men at the gym flirt with me and I never thought about getting involved. My xAP was a close friend but NOT in our close circle of friends. I would have been terribly paranoid with a stranger or someone who associated with the same peers as me.
smarterthanbefore Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Hi everyone. I have never cheated on anyone, partly because i do not allow myself to enter a situation where this can develop. I do not have close friends of the opposite sex. Any male I know, must also know my bf. Lucky for me that i learned this at a young age. I also never say that i would never have an affair. Instead i concentrate on not being in situations where one could start. I am human, and have weaknesses that i admit to. I find it's usually the people that say " I would never have an affair" that usually find themselves in one. Mostly because they put themselves in situations where they are vulnerable because they don't think they will succumb to any temptation. Everyone i have ever known who cheated, always say " I never thought I would do this". Affairs are the most avoidable thing in the world. No excuse for them.
Samantha0905 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 (edited) Some of us learned all that long before we hit middle-age, like in our twenties during the dating war years. Naivete really isn't becoming after 40. I've yet to form a close friendship with a guy (or a woman for that matter) and NOT want them to get to know my partner. Especially an attached guy, that is icky. If I ever feel the urge to develop an attachment to a guy friend, to want more, I will kick my own arse. Some of us met our significant other at 14 years old. So, those 20s dating years never happened. I'm so glad you're not icky. lol So much to be learned from perfect people here who have been in long term relationships with their partners ........ Hi everyone. I have never cheated on anyone, partly because i do not allow myself to enter a situation where this can develop. I do not have close friends of the opposite sex. Any male I know, must also know my bf. Lucky for me that i learned this at a young age. I also never say that i would never have an affair. Instead i concentrate on not being in situations where one could start. I am human, and have weaknesses that i admit to. I find it's usually the people that say " I would never have an affair" that usually find themselves in one. Mostly because they put themselves in situations where they are vulnerable because they don't think they will succumb to any temptation. Everyone i have ever known who cheated, always say " I never thought I would do this". Affairs are the most avoidable thing in the world. No excuse for them. Your bf? Have you ever been married? Are you still at a young age? Edited July 11, 2010 by Samantha0905
xxoo Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Thank you all for being open and candid. Everything I have read says that many affairs -- emotional or physical -- occur with someone you already know and/or consider a friend/acquaintance. Knowing this, if you are in a committed relationship, would you now consider avoiding developing those kinds of friendships with someone to avoid the temptation? I haven't had an affair.... Reading the above, isn't that like observing that everyone who drowned was in water, so never go swimming? And this argument always ignores the bisexual among us. What do they do, have NO friends? Now, I can imagine that many people would happily avoid water if they had a near-drowning (affair, dday). But others are skilled and careful swimmers
vestigalvirgin Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 OP, remember, cheaters are by definition liars, certainly about issues pertaining to their affair behaviors. So you really have to take the "information" you are getting with a grain of salt. The reason so many cheaters say "I never thought I would get involved in an affair" is simply because they're not truthful with themselves or other people. In order to actually carry out an affair, a person has to make numerous conscious, deliberate choices. These choices include decisions of how to carry on the affair as well as an almost constant state of dishonesty to their betrayed spouse, lying every day about their activities, hundreds, maybe thousands of lies. In most cases they knew exactly what they were doing and indeed in many instances justified their cheating with an unearned sense of entitlement: "My spouse doesn't understand me," "my marriage isn't working," whatever.
vestigalvirgin Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Too bad there isn't some sort of alarm bell or a robot like the one in Lost in Space. You needed an alarm bell to alert you to the fact that you were having sex with another man?
Samantha0905 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Too bad there isn't some sort of alarm bell or a robot like the one in Lost in Space. You needed an alarm bell to alert you to the fact that you were having sex with another man? You need an alarm bell to alert you to the fact you are extremely judgmental. Hope you one day hear that alarm bell.......
vestigalvirgin Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 You need an alarm bell to alert you to the fact you are extremely judgmental. Hope you one day hear that alarm bell....... Wow you're pretty defensive. You're the one who said "too bad there's no alarm bell..." I simply pointed out how ridiculous such a statement seems. Why would you need an alarm bell to tell you it's wrong to take off your clothes and have sex with someone other than your significant other. What you are calling "alarm bell" most other reasonable people would call "capacity to make a judgment." Stop criticizing other people who may have better judgment then you. Your own apparent lack of exercising judgment concerning your activities is what you're regretting now, even though you don't seem to realize it. "Alarm bell" = "judgment."
OWoman Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Just curious because I have my own theory -- but for anyone who's had an affair, how did it begin? Did you work with him/her? Friends? Random person you met? I compartmentalise. I would never shag a friend or a colleague . I only have sex with people that I file in the "potential lovers" category on meeting. Typically I would meet them in a work-context - at conferences, work-related events or visits to other sites. If my hormones rioted and tachycardia set in, I'd make a note. Once I meet a "potential", I research them thoroughly. Since I was only interested in something part-time, with no expectations or demands, I ruled out any SGs. I also ruled out any MMs who'd had As previously, who were considering an A, or who were in an unhappy or stressed M, because of the risk of them leaving the M and becoming SGs. If they met all of my criteria, I would approach them, set out my terms and conditions, and invite them to consider whether or not they wanted an A. They were never simply random. I'm not a trusting person and dogging holds no appeal for me. But neither were they people I'd have to see everyday - I don't believe in ****ting in your own kitchen, either, and having had experience of being stalked by xBFs who could not accept being dumped, it was not a problem I wanted to import into my workplace. I was very strict about keeping all aspects of my life separate, removed and distinct from each other. I consider it very unprofessional when someone's spouse shows up in the workplace, unless s/he has a professional reason to be there. My As never "just happened". They were always the result of conscious decisions and behaviours, and I always made sure my MMs were making fully-informed, active choices too - mindful of all the potential consequences, and then some. "It just happened" was never an option for me. If you don't exercise control over your life and allow yourself to be a passenger to circumstance, you're not the kind of person I'd be interested in mingling body fluids with.
Gfkr2 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 OP, remember, cheaters are by definition liars, certainly about issues pertaining to their affair behaviors. So you really have to take the "information" you are getting with a grain of salt. The reason so many cheaters say "I never thought I would get involved in an affair" is simply because they're not truthful with themselves or other people. In order to actually carry out an affair, a person has to make numerous conscious, deliberate choices. These choices include decisions of how to carry on the affair as well as an almost constant state of dishonesty to their betrayed spouse, lying every day about their activities, hundreds, maybe thousands of lies. In most cases they knew exactly what they were doing and indeed in many instances justified their cheating with an unearned sense of entitlement: "My spouse doesn't understand me," "my marriage isn't working," whatever. I appreciate your frank description of cheaters and their web of lies. As a BS who is going through a crisis, I was for some reason drawn to this thread like a moth to the open flame. It is what it is!
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