virgoman67 Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 My wife and I are legally separated and pending divorce. She wants to work things out, but my heart left our relationship years ago...I don't love or trust her the way I need to in order for us to work. Our relationship and marriage was tarnished with disrespect and mistrust since the beginning. Here we are after 18 years of marriage and two boys (11 and 14) seeking divorce. Amongst our problems and issues are the fact she slept with 2 other men during our relationship...one was while we were having problems while engaged. The other was 3 years after we got married. She just recently confessed to her affair 15 years after the fact. I never trusted her throughout and know in my heart I don't want her in my future anymore. She wants to get counseling, but I don't to and want to move on in my life. I also have fallen for someone else which is more of an incentive for me to move on now. Is it normal for mistrust to fester inside you to the point that you just don't want to be with your spouse anymore and want to seek happiness elsewhere? Can people who have affairs then lie about them for years and years really ever be completely trusted?
Corporate Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 My wife and I are legally separated and pending divorce. She wants to work things out, but my heart left our relationship years ago...I don't love or trust her the way I need to in order for us to work. Our relationship and marriage was tarnished with disrespect and mistrust since the beginning. Here we are after 18 years of marriage and two boys (11 and 14) seeking divorce. Amongst our problems and issues are the fact she slept with 2 other men during our relationship...one was while we were having problems while engaged. The other was 3 years after we got married. She just recently confessed to her affair 15 years after the fact. I never trusted her throughout and know in my heart I don't want her in my future anymore. She wants to get counseling, but I don't to and want to move on in my life. I also have fallen for someone else which is more of an incentive for me to move on now. Is it normal for mistrust to fester inside you to the point that you just don't want to be with your spouse anymore and want to seek happiness elsewhere? Can people who have affairs then lie about them for years and years really ever be completely trusted? She has cheated, and now, while still not divorced yet, you're in your own affair. You have fallen for this other woman and don't trust your wife and don't want to go back to be with your wife. So, what's the question here?
Ronni_W Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Is it normal for mistrust to fester inside you to the point that you just don't want to be with your spouse anymore and want to seek happiness elsewhere? Can people who have affairs then lie about them for years and years really ever be completely trusted? I'm not getting why you're making, or trying to make, this about "trust" at this late stage(?) It sounds like a simple case of you not being in love with her anymore and you not wanting to be married to her anymore. That's all that you need: your current-day feelings. You don't need to haul out 15-year old betrayals to get your divorce. And you don't need to find any "excuse" so as not to feel guilty about having met someone else, either. Separated people can date if they want to -- at least, in my province there is no such thing as "adultery" after a separation date has been established. Just get your divorce. Tell her that you're done; that your current-day desires and needs, and vision and goals for the future do not include staying married. Best of luck.
carhill Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Since you're legally separated, apparently you've amicably worked out issues of custody and support. Sounds good. Reconciliation only works when *both* parties want it more than any other potential avenue. That's not your circumstance. Since the bulk of the issues are settled, finalize it. I can assure you, if the shoe was on the other foot, your W would not be posting here wondering whether to give it another go. You would have been divorced long ago. Accept your current feelings and proceed as appropriate. Her perspective is irrelevant to your actions. She and you both made your beds during the life of your M. Tomorrow is the future. Hug the kids
imagine Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 Virgo, Her cheating could have contaminated the marriage. The guilt lay with her for all these years. Did she tell you this after you had announced the divorce. Your affection for someone else clouds the divorce issue. Affair marriages have a very low chance of succeeding. Put your efforts into rebuilding your own marriage rather than chasing skirt. OW attentions are guaranteed to fall off two years from now. Don't lose your integrity.
Author virgoman67 Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 She has cheated, and now, while still not divorced yet, you're in your own affair. You have fallen for this other woman and don't trust your wife and don't want to go back to be with your wife. So, what's the question here? One question is it normal to harbor anger and mistrust over an affair that was 14 years ago? When the affair happened long ago, it was not dealt properly dealt with.
What_Next Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Well, just the facts here to start. She cheated twice. She only confessed after 15 years. You're already legally seperated. You've fallen for another. She wants back in. My opinion, continue on with divorce and be happy in life. Do it for yourself and for your children. It is 100% normal for mistrust and lack of trust to destroy a marriage. It happens all the time. It almost happened to mine, and it still might. The past affairs needed to be dealt with. Dealing with them now will be almost impossible. If BOTH of you wanted back into the marriage then maybe, but if only 1 does, no chance. Does she know about your new interest?
spriggig Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 ...Is it normal for mistrust to fester inside you to the point that you just don't want to be with your spouse anymore and want to seek happiness elsewhere? What does it matter what "normal" is? If this is what has happened for you then that is all that matters. As long as you're being as honest as you can be with yourself and your wife, then you're good to go. Normal is just a setting on a washing machine. Can people who have affairs then lie about them for years and years really ever be completely trusted? This is entirely up to the one choosing to trust. Someone will trust her, probably not you. For every man who claims "mistrust and disrespect" there is a woman who claims "controlling and jealous". I doubt you were perfect in your marriage--at least consider the Elvis song "Always on My Mind": Maybe I didn't treat you Quite as good as I should have Maybe I didn't love you Quite as often as I could have Little things I should have said and done I just never took the time You probably need some anger at your wife to move on. But don't forget to look yourself in the mirror or you might make YOUR mistakes all over again.
Author virgoman67 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Well, just the facts here to start. She cheated twice. She only confessed after 15 years. You're already legally seperated. You've fallen for another. She wants back in. My opinion, continue on with divorce and be happy in life. Do it for yourself and for your children. It is 100% normal for mistrust and lack of trust to destroy a marriage. It happens all the time. It almost happened to mine, and it still might. The past affairs needed to be dealt with. Dealing with them now will be almost impossible. If BOTH of you wanted back into the marriage then maybe, but if only 1 does, no chance. Does she know about your new interest? Yes she does know about my new interest. She's been dating herself, but is mourning our marriage ending at the same time. In order for us both to experience happiness from now on, we MUST go our separate ways in our love lives, but continue to coparent and get along. I never have trusted her, and I know in my heart I never, ever will.
seibert253 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 You've answered your own question. You've moved on, she will to. Be done with it and enjoy your new life.
stillafool Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Yes I agree you have answered your own question. There is no way you two can make it because it is clear you can't get past what she has done. I say tell her there is "No Way" for a reconciliation and to move on with her life. All the best to you and your new girlfriend.
stepka Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Forgive me if I misread this, but it seems you were getting past it until the OW came on the scene? Then you could be using the past history as an excuse to do what you want to do. Not that I blame you, but don't fool yourself either.
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