How can she just switch off...

[smk]

Hey everyone,

 

Am having a really hard time coping at the moment... Here is some background info:

 

Met her a few years ago, nothing happened initially then all of a sudden about 7 months ago she came out of the wood works and phoned me up...

 

Cut a long story short , we started dating and one thing led to another and we became really serious really quickly... Basically we fell in head over heels in love with each other. Talked about our futures together, the works, marriage, kids, grand kids, basically everything you can imagine...

 

She asked me move in with her a few months down the road and I agreed, despite the advice of all my friends and family who said we were rushing... It just felts right and so I did it...

 

Anyways after I moved in things got a little strange, within a week of me moving in she became distant and blocked me out... Everytime I asked what was wrong she would say nothing... Cue me probing and prodding and she finally came out with it... Basically she told me that she has been getting a lot of stress from her father about me... Basically I am Indian and she is Portuguese and her dad was not happy that she was with someone who was not of the same background as her (I.e. Same skin colour)... And that he had by this point given her an ultimatum - it was either me or him - if she chose me then he would never speak to her and would disown her as his daughter.... Basically all of this was really stressing her out and she had to make a decision asap and let him know, at this point he had stopped speaking to her... The next few days were a complete nightmare, in the sense she was distant, withdrawn, basically switched off completely... Apparetly he had been talking to her about this for the previous 3 weeks and she never once mentioned it to me because she thought it would pass, however that didn't work...

 

Anyways a few days after telling me she had made her decision - she was calling it off... I tried speaking to her, telling her not to give end it so abruptly, to atleast try and speaking to her dad, to let me speak to him, to not just end it... I didn't grovel or beg, but I tried to make her understand that we could work through this if only she made a little bit of effort... All of this was in vain and throughout all of this all she said to me was that she knew her dad and he would never accept it... It came to the point where everything I said was falling on deaf ears... I maintained my dignity throughout this and said to her I would support and respect her decision - it was all I could say or do... Anyways I decided that I would move back out and I did.

 

Throughout our whole relationship she was always very affectionate, always telling me how much she loved me, how if she wasn't with me then she would not want to be with anyone else, etc... Basically every romantic thing under the stars was said, and I felt the same way too...

 

Anyways it's now been 3 weeks since the break, we both agreed that nc would be the way to go, 2 days after the break she phoned me, and I will be honest I was ecstatic. I thought that maybe she wanted to get back... That didn't happen... For the rest of the week we spoke everyday, spoke about the relationship, to the extent where she said she was going to speak to her dad and explain how she felt and hopefully he would see that she was truly happy with me and that we were serious, etc...

 

She happens to work for a company that I co own, however I rarely go there, but after the first week I realised that I needed to go nc... The first weekend I had to go to the office and she was there working, I didn't know, anyways it was awkward and she was very cold and distant etc... I was hurting but I kept a strong face and we spoke a little bit... As I left I realised that I had to do complete nc and I tried... She would still call and I was civil but very brief...

 

I tried maintaining nc and it was hard and the longest I have gone was 2 days... However now everytime I speak to her she always some hurtful things, I don't know if it's intentional or not but she says things that she knows will hurt...

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that I just don't understand how someone who once had so many feelings for me can suddenly just switch off completely, she says things that are really harsh and cruel - and yet she phones me and then says things that are hurtful... And yes I know I am the bigger idiot for answering her calls each time she phones, but it's just so hard to maintain nc...

 

I have accepted that it's over, even though there is a part of me that wants her back I know it's over... I miss her, and I wish she wouldn't be this way... She gave up so easily...

 

Can all women just switch off their emotions at the flick of a switch? Does she still care or have all those emotions just died down???

 

Now I am back on the nc wagon and hopefully this time i will last but I just don't know....

 

Anyways I guess I am just ranting on, but thank you for reading and sorry for the long post...

[spriggig]

First get back into NC and stay there--that means don't answer her calls, texts or email, ever.

 

Also, about your question about women switching off their emotions, does this answer your question?

I was hurting but I kept a strong face...

[smk]

hey,

 

thanks for the reply...

 

about NC i know i keep on breaking it but its a little more complicated. She works for a company that I am part owner off and therefore sometimes i dont have an option but to see her or speak to her. I dont go there or phone up very often but her role as manager does involve some interaction with me.

 

I can make sense to a certain extent of her keeping a happy face but hurting inside, however sometimes you can see that in people, i just dont see it at all or hear it all.

 

i guess i am spending more time on fucussing on the why's it broke up as opposed to the how to move on bit.

 

i am back on the NC wagon now so lets see how that goes...

[DenverBachelor]

I'm sure she loved you, but blood is thicker than water. Unfortunately her father sounds old school and since she works for one of your companies, you are in a complicated situation.

 

You need to cut ties completely with her and her family. It's not your fault, but do you really want to put up with that type of racism? If she loved you that much, she would have taken a different road -- but again, blood is thicker than water.

 

You sound like an educated guy and you obviously have a caring heart. There will be plenty of opportunities up ahead for you my friend.

[smk]

I'm sure she loved you, but blood is thicker than water. Unfortunately her father sounds old school and since she works for one of your companies, you are in a complicated situation.

 

You need to cut ties completely with her and her family. It's not your fault, but do you really want to put up with that type of racism? If she loved you that much, she would have taken a different road -- but again, blood is thicker than water.

 

You sound like an educated guy and you obviously have a caring heart. There will be plenty of opportunities up ahead for you my friend.

 

yeah i know really hard - the worst part is when i agreed to move in with her, i fought with a lot of my friends and family because every asked me to not move in so quickly - and i would constantly have arguments with them, to the extent that i even said to some people that they were jealous... for the past 3 weeks they have been the ones who have stood by me through this. they listen to me incessantly rambling on and going through what if scenarios - the same people i had once fought with.

i know how things are with families and i can only imagine what she went through - maybe i am being selfish here but all i wanted to see from her was some sign that she was upset about the end of this and i still havent see it... i dont know if that is me being selfish.

yeah talk about complicated situations - i think the fact that i hardly ever have to go to the office makes a huge difference and helps alot - it means i rarely have to see her, but still NC is really hard to do at the moment...

BTW DenverBachelor i have read your posts and trust me you have been a great inspiration.

 

its just such a shame that her dad never got to know me, cos i believe that i made his daughter truly happy, even if it was a short period of time - i would have sacrificed everything to ensure her happiness.

and the fact that she is my first love does not help

[spriggig]

There is a popular fantasy in western culture about this very situation--the girl is often Indian or Arab or sometimes Japanese, because those are the cultures we think of as having arranged marriages. The girl always ends up defying her father and true love prevails. It's really a Western ideal imposed on an Eastern culture and probably almost never happens.

 

Westerners really don't get this situation at all, because while we too have a tradition of young girls defying their father's wishes and seeing their boyfriends, the fathers' power is much less because the culture of freedom and individual rights is so strong.

 

My first thought was this girl is going to come back to the boyfriend if he just leaves her alone and gives her time to miss him and make the decision for herself.

 

I still think that you need to leave her alone because she made her decision and she now owns that decision and will defend it against you if you pursue her. But I have no idea how much power the father has over her and whether she'll choose to defy him after all.

 

Good luck.

[smk]

There is a popular fantasy in western culture about this very situation--the girl is often Indian or Arab or sometimes Japanese, because those are the cultures we think of as having arranged marriages. The girl always ends up defying her father and true love prevails. It's really a Western ideal imposed on an Eastern culture and probably almost never happens.

 

Westerners really don't get this situation at all, because while we too have a tradition of young girls defying their father's wishes and seeing their boyfriends, the fathers' power is much less because the culture of freedom and individual rights is so strong.

 

My first thought was this girl is going to come back to the boyfriend if he just leaves her alone and gives her time to miss him and make the decision for herself.

 

I still think that you need to leave her alone because she made her decision and she now owns that decision and will defend it against you if you pursue her. But I have no idea how much power the father has over her and whether she'll choose to defy him after all.

 

Good luck.

I know where you are coming from. She always insisted that it would be my family not accepting her, and I always defended this situation simply because I know my family. The majority of my family (and I am including extended family in this statement) have married outside of the Indian culture and I come from a very liberal family.

 

I know that her father does have a lot of control over her, which I don't agree with or understand, but I have been brought up to always respect elders and hence I said to her that I would accept whatever decision she made. Yes it did upset me and broke my to pieces, however I do believe that to a certain extent we as individuals do need to be the masters of our destiny.

 

I am saddened by the situation and as I said I would respect her, she says to me that she will never go against her father's wishes and I respected that decision. I am did have a very long chat with her yesterday (yes I know I broke NC - however she phoned me) and we talked about things at which point she simply said to me that she had decided to move on with her life and that I should not be shocked if in a few months she is seeing someone else. That did strike me as odd, however I guess I may just be reading too much into everything.

 

But, yes I do understand how difficult a choice like this would be, and generally I know that more often than not, it is easier for a guy to stand up to his family as opposed to a girl. But hey, C'est La Vie.

[spriggig]

...But, yes I do understand how difficult a choice like this would be, and generally I know that more often than not, it is easier for a guy to stand up to his family as opposed to a girl. But hey, C'est La Vie.

 

Cool! Sounds like you're in a good place.

 

In a few days, when you hit the bottom of the roller coaster, come back and read this. Better yet, print it out and carry it around with you, I suspect you'll need it.

 

Also, when she said "..don't be shocked...", she's just trying to keep herself strong by reconfirming to you that it's over. It's another clue that she didn't "just switch off".

[AlwaysConflicted]

This is a sad situation, but I believe the racism from her father would have been quite annoying throughout your relationship or marriage. A woman would have to be incredibly strong to abandon her family for a man.

 

I grew up and live in the US. The concept of arranged marriages and disowning children is foreign to me. My parents want their children to be happy so we're free to marry a woman of any color or creed.

 

I've come to learn that women don't switch off their emotions. They do it at such a slow and gradual pace that you can't see it happening. Then one day they drop the axe and breakup with you.

 

I'm guessing that her father stressed her out to the degree that she couldn't take it anymore. It was easier to breakup with you than to deal with her father's verbal abuse and threats.

 

My cousin (a white man) married a chinese woman. Her family disowned her, but she truly loved my cousin and hated her family's racism. It depends on the woman, but I would wager a bet that most people choose family.

 

Again I'm sorry for your loss, but you would not want this stress throughout your life. Imagine all the family events you would not be invited to or would feel uncomfortable attending. Imagine her father constantly spreading awful racism about you. Then imagine how torn your girlfriend would be constantly defending you while trying to stay loyal to her father. It's way too much pressure and stress.

 

If she hated her family then maybe it would work. However, her actions tell me that she loves her family. She's choosing the people who raised her over a man she met months ago.

 

It hurts, but you can't do anything about it. Racism runs deep and you can't convince her father that you're a good guy. To him you will always be the guy that stole his daughter. It's such a shame that people still behave this way.

 

You seem like a great guy so I have no doubt you will find someone who appreciates you. To be honest, I consider her to be a racist as well. She listened to her racist father which makes her a racist. You don't want to marry a woman like that...

[smk]

Sprig - I know where you're coming from, trust me I am going through the whole rollercoaster of emotions and they're are down, I have accepted things, and I have respected her choice and decision and tried my hardest to understand them, unfortunately I have been brought up in an environment where such things were not trivial. I am trying to move on with my life buts it's hard - and the fact that she works for a business I partly own that is run by my family means that at times NC is extremely difficult.

I understand that we make choices in life and we have to live with their consequences and I truly hope that she does find happiness within her life and is one day able to stand up for what she believes in.

I am now on pg 280 of the coping forum so trust me I know that I am not the first person with a broken heart and neither will I be the last. It's been a great help...

[smk]

This is a sad situation, but I believe the racism from her father would have been quite annoying throughout your relationship or marriage. A woman would have to be incredibly strong to abandon her family for a man.

 

I grew up and live in the US. The concept of arranged marriages and disowning children is foreign to me. My parents want their children to be happy so we're free to marry a woman of any color or creed.

 

I've come to learn that women don't switch off their emotions. They do it at such a slow and gradual pace that you can't see it happening. Then one day they drop the axe and breakup with you.

 

I'm guessing that her father stressed her out to the degree that she couldn't take it anymore. It was easier to breakup with you than to deal with her father's verbal abuse and threats.

 

My cousin (a white man) married a chinese woman. Her family disowned her, but she truly loved my cousin and hated her family's racism. It depends on the woman, but I would wager a bet that most people choose family.

 

Again I'm sorry for your loss, but you would not want this stress throughout your life. Imagine all the family events you would not be invited to or would feel uncomfortable attending. Imagine her father constantly spreading awful racism about you. Then imagine how torn your girlfriend would be constantly defending you while trying to stay loyal to her father. It's way too much pressure and stress.

 

If she hated her family then maybe it would work. However, her actions tell me that she loves her family. She's choosing the people who raised her over a man she met months ago.

 

It hurts, but you can't do anything about it. Racism runs deep and you can't convince her father that you're a good guy. To him you will always be the guy that stole his daughter. It's such a shame that people still behave this way.

 

You seem like a great guy so I have no doubt you will find someone who appreciates you. To be honest, I consider her to be a racist as well. She listened to her racist father which makes her a racist. You don't want to marry a woman like that...

 

I know where you are coming from, however I have met all of her family apart from him and they are all really chilled out unlike him. Her mum really liked me, her brother really liked and made me feel really welcome. Granted her parents dont live here, but from my conversations with her mum she was fine with me.

 

She always did tell me about her dad being a little racist, however she said he was never really serious about it, and that when she told him about me he seemed genuinely happy. What I dont get is that if he had an issue from day one, why not say in the beginning that way we would have done things differently. I guess the mysteries of the human mind will always only be those - mysteries.

 

Her switch off wasnt even gradual, it was fine in the afternoon and the next night things went completely off the charts, to the extent I got asked to sleep in the guest room.

 

Granted I know how families can be and I know and accept that even though we live in the 21st century and in a fairly modern world I never thought that I would have to deal with this. I mean given I come from an Indian family however I am a 3rd generation born and raised in Africa - so you can only imagine how multi cultural my life is. Even my 85 year old grand mum does not believe in traditions such as "arranged marriage" which supposedly us Indians are notorious for, I have so many cousins married to people of different races and to be honest my family are happy about it. Their moto is simple - "you have to marry that person and live with them, and if they make you happy then take our blessings and go live your life", so frankly this was a really alien concept to me.

 

She has always told me that he has been very controlling throughout her life to the extent he now wants 70% of her wages put into his bank account - (my accountant phoned me up today to ask me if we could do this since I do have to sign important financial paperwork) - since he would now like to put her life in order - he claims that she has made lots of mistakes and he is going to sort it out for her. I mean he has resorted to moving back here for the next few months and drops her to work and picks her up. He is however quite happy to work for the same company if we are hiring (he doesnt know that I am part owner) - I found that quite funny. His main concern was what would the neighbours and relatives say when they found out that she was going to bring an non-white person home. Granted he is an older person and I know and accept that as we grow older we become set in our ways, gosh I know how hard I have to argue with my dad at times over the smallest & trivial of things but I accept that. But this just blew me off my tracks.

 

My parents have always put their kids happiness before their own, and I always believed that its what all parents do. I guess I was wrong.

 

I do genuinely feel really bad for her, and the grief that she has had to deal with and put with, but what I do hope is that she finds happiness. That one day she will realise that sometimes our families choices may not be our own and that sometimes we may have to let other people down. I am not saying this so that she can choose me over him, but she does need to learn to stand up for what she believes in, and maybe not me today but what if there is someone else another day. I guess this is a choice she will make.

 

I went to the extent of saying to her that I would never meet with him, and he would never even have to hear my name, but he simply did not want to hear of it. I guess life teaches us things and we have to take away what learn and use it to better ourselves.

[LostinTokyo]

Something that's helping me cope is to tell myself: "Look, sure this relationship has its up and downs. All relationships do. Nothing wrong with that, right? For her to leave you when things aren't really out of the ordinary, what'll happen when s**t hits the fan? This was just a test of her love and she failed. Miserably. Can you really be with someone that'll give up so easily?"

 

I try to take my own advice too. On a good day, I can say these things and really believe it. But I'm sure you know how this is. Seems like my mood changes every half hour these days. That'll get better too.

[smk]

Something that's helping me cope is to tell myself: "Look, sure this relationship has its up and downs. All relationships do. Nothing wrong with that, right? For her to leave you when things aren't really out of the ordinary, what'll happen when s**t hits the fan? This was just a test of her love and she failed. Miserably. Can you really be with someone that'll give up so easily?"

 

I try to take my own advice too. On a good day, I can say these things and really believe it. But I'm sure you know how this is. Seems like my mood changes every half hour these days. That'll get better too.

 

 

Hey Tokyo, yeah I know what you mean she quit and left and now there is no point crying over spilt milk... I have made some progress since I posted that...

 

 

I know what you mean about the following your own advice, I try and follow mine too, but somedays it just doesn't happen... I think we all have our lapses but over time we get stronger... Today is one of those days for ms had a momentary lapse today and thought of breaking NC but kept strong reminded myself of some of the bad times and just moved on from there...

 

I do now believe that over time it does get better, I was reading some of my older posts today and saw a small difference in my attitude which is good...

 

How are you coping over the weekend?

[bonpaw2008]

I tried maintaining nc and it was hard and the longest I have gone was 2 days... However now everytime I speak to her she always some hurtful things, I don't know if it's intentional or not but she says things that she knows will hurt...

 

 

 

Can all women just switch off their emotions at the flick of a switch? Does she still care or have all those emotions just died down???

 

Now I am back on the nc wagon and hopefully this time i will last but I just don't know....

 

 

 

Sorry wrote something cheeky about this because I thought it was new. Looking at the date, when you wrote this I had just had the best day/weekend I ever had with him

Edited August 1, 2010 by bonpaw2008

[smk]

Hey! How have you not have maintained NC when you have been chatting me up all day??

 

She didn't switch her emotions off, I am sure she still cares about you. But you need to get back to working on you. NC is for you to heal. For you to answer these questions for yourself. For you to get you back....

 

HEE HEE sorry thought this was new

 

No worries - this was one of my first posts - wow I was reading through some of my earlier stuff and boy have I come a long way - hell I have even lost track of how many days I have been going NC (is that a good sign)???

 

I am sure she does care in her own way... I now see things a lot more clearly - thanks to all the great advice I have gotten here on LS...

 

And hey chatting you up all day works miracles...

[smk]

Sorry wrote something cheeky about this because I thought it was new. Looking at the date, when you wrote this I had just had the best day/weekend I ever had with him

 

No worries - tokyo picked it up wow it really did open up my eyes - I am not as much of a wreck as I was back then...

 

I think every now and then the little memories come back to test and see how we are doing - Paw I am sure you will have much better weekends to come... I woke up this morning thinking of her and now all I can think of is all the pretty south american girls I am going to see in about 90 mins...

 

I am still shocked to see that I have moved a little further from when I first came onto LS - I reread all of my old posts and my latest ones and it just goes to prove that we have the power within us to heal...

[LostinTokyo]

Hey Tokyo, yeah I know what you mean she quit and left and now there is no point crying over spilt milk... I have made some progress since I posted that...

 

 

I know what you mean about the following your own advice, I try and follow mine too, but somedays it just doesn't happen... I think we all have our lapses but over time we get stronger... Today is one of those days for ms had a momentary lapse today and thought of breaking NC but kept strong reminded myself of some of the bad times and just moved on from there...

 

I do now believe that over time it does get better, I was reading some of my older posts today and saw a small difference in my attitude which is good...

 

How are you coping over the weekend?

 

 

We'll become better people cuz of this pain. One day, we'll look back and think, huh.. what was that about. My weekend was ok. Everywhere I go in Tokyo reminds me of her. "This was where we ran down the street laughing, trying to get out of the rain" "This was where we were before our road trip to Nagano." etc. Pathetic. Last night was the worse. I just started missing her really badly. No anger, frustration, disappointment.. anything. Just purely missed her. Spent today way out by the Bayside in this hidden abandoned park looking across the water at Disneyland thinking "we had so much fun there." Lol. Typing this stuff out helps me see how pathetic I am.

 

How was your weekend? How long have you done NC?

[smk]

It's not pathetic - we are human beings, we have emotions, we have memories and we loved them... We all have these moments, we will miss them, and things will remind us of them, but as you said in your post we will become stronger because of this.

 

My weekend was ok, a little bit all over the place TBH. Am almost on 3 weeks NC... I don't even know what I would say anymore if I broke NC - I am getting to the point where I everything has been said and done... I don't like it but hey, c'est la vie.

 

I went to a festival yesterday and I wiser that she was their by my side, I know it's not the best of thoughts to have but you know what we can't control them... As beeotch said to me you just have to let the thoughts and memories wear out...

 

We have a long time left in lives and our lives are meant to be for living, unfortunate things will happen but so will good things. We just have to keep walking the path and learn whatever lessons we can and cherish all the experiences we have...

 

Be strog buddy were all here for you... And as I am learning it's better not to fight the emotions and memories but ride them out...

Edited August 2, 2010 by smk