JUst broke up over internet/sex texting addiction

[brokendream]

Hi newbie here, just wanted to share my story and maybe get some advice on how to move on.

 

I found out that my boyfriend of 6 months (I'm 27 and he's 30) has an addiction to sex texting/emailing girls he meets on msn and adult dating websites. I knew something was going on because our sex life wasn't great no matter now I tried to improve it he just didn't seem have an interest in sex. Once a week was all he managed. I would be fairly adventurous in the bedroom - I'll try almost anything and I'm a very attractive woman so I couldn't get my head around this. I was so frustrated. What he was doing with these girls was all fantasy with no actual meeting up, just swapping pictures and sex texts but this was starting to replace actual sex with me. Even though it was only six months, our relationship apart from the sex was great and he treated me better than any man I've ever been with. He totally spoiled me and really made me feel special. Probably because he felt guilty. We saw a future together and he told me I was the woman he wanted to marry and have kids with. He was always asking where I would like to get married and what our kids names would be etc...silly stuff but I really did think he was "the one". He hinted at proposing more than once, even bringing me to the window of a jewlers and asking me what type of engagement rings I like.

 

He initially denied what he was doing but I saw the proof in his phone. After a few days to think about it he came clean about the whole thing and broke down saying he couldn't stop doing it without help as he had been doing it for 4 years and it ruined his previous relationship. Initially I felt so angry and cheated but then I saw it for what it was...an addiction and a boost to his ego. He said it started because he started having erection problems after having a couple of drinks and he got a complex about having sex in case he couldn't get hard. This did happen a few times while I was with him and he'd get angry and upset feeling like a failure. I suppose sex texting was a way for him to live in fantasy land and do what he didn't think he could do in reality.

 

After he poured his heart out to me I told him I would help him, we deleted all the sites, phone contacts etc together and he agreed to change his phone number and go to councelling. He said that he wanted a future with me and he didn't want to lose me but knew he needed to work this out for himself so he would never hurt me again. I agreed that if he could sort all this out that I'd give the relationship another chance but I could never put up with that behavior while he was with me.

 

He gave me his passwords and I deleted his msn and facebook account as he agreed to do this but said his computer was broken. All of a sudden he flipped out at me for doing this and changed his mind about sorting things out. He said he wanted a clean break because he realised all of the hurt and distrust he had caused and things could never be the same between us again. He hasn't contacted me since...this was 2 weeks ago. He wouldn't even meet me to get his clothes back so I had to meet his mother and give them to her. I became quite close to her during our relationship and she was very upset that we broke up. Like my own family she thought that we had something special and that we had a future together. She wanted to know the reason why so I told her. Mainly because her son needed to get help and he had agreed to tell them everything but when it came down to it he just told them he messed up. I know he was really angry over me telling his mother but that was as far as it went. No one else knows. She understood the situation and wanted him to get help for it so he could have some chance at having a normal relationship with a woman. When she confronted him about it he told her that he wasn't doing anything illegal and was sick of being treated like a criminal.

 

Our holiday photographs came through last week so I sent them onto him with a letter letting him know that I agreed with the break up, that things probably wouldn't have worked out unless we were both very strong and told him I'd be there for him if he wanted a friend to talk to. Nothing back from him. I had to text him this week as I had accidentally packed some of my friends husbands clothes in the bag I gave him (nothing funny going on there...he left stuff behind after a bbq we had :-)). Again he didn't reply so I had to ask his mother would she get them back and send them to me. It felt so stupid and childish having to do that. I haven't told my friends what happened so I didn't want to have to tell my friend the reason why I couldn't get the clothes back.

 

Why do I feel like the villan now? He is ignoring me like I'm the one who has caused all this. I really want to move on but this is really bugging me and it hurts that he can just cut me out of his life when all I wanted was to help him with this addiction. I was willing to put it all behind us if he got help and completely stopped all the sex texting. I admit I overstepped the privacy mark but he asked for my help and gave me his passwords. I did nothing more than what we agreed on. I apologised for my mistakes in the letter I sent admitting what I had done wrong and that a lot of it was done out of anger. Any opinions?

Edited June 23, 2010 by brokendream

[brokendream]

Just to clarify, I'm not looking to get back together in a hurry....it would take a lot of work before that could happen. I'm just very confused as to why he changed his mind and cut me out of his life all of a sudden.

Edited June 23, 2010 by brokendream

[StarrySkyBlue]

I typed up a reply for this earlier but it somehow didn't make it through.

 

Anyway, brokendream, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault. You were already very understanding and supportive when you found out what he was doing, which was very nice of you. I'm sure a lot of people would have dumped him on the spot. However, he has issues that he has to deal with by himself. Right now he's being defensive, and although it's pretty immature to just shut everyone out and sulk, I sort of understand him. It's very, very hard to face your issues, especially something that is as embarrassing as sexual incompetence/self-confidence. I'm sure he's feeling terrible about himself and is going through a very tough period of time. I don't know if telling his mother was a good idea, because it might have rubbed in the pain and the feeling of failure even more, but you did apologize. There is nothing else you can do now except to wait for him to heal and find the courage to face his problems. I think you should try to move on now and let fate decide what will happen in the future. If he is the one for you, he will eventually come round, deal with his issues and try to win you back. Meanwhile, be a good friend, but only if you can do so without getting hurt. If you cannot do it at the moment, go NC and try to move on. If he loves you he will realize he has lost a great girl and come back.

[brokendream]

Thanks, I feel a little bit better

 

This all happened when we were away on a weeks holiday together in Portugal. Up until then it was magical. 3 days into the holiday I was looking at pics I took on his phone and saw a load of naked ones of him and lots and lots of women. Maybe if it had happened at home and I could leave I would have but we were stuck there together with a lot of time to think.

 

I know I probably shouldn't have told his mother but I didn't do it to be vindictive or anything like that. I met her to return his clothes and she was very upset that he wouldn't say why we broke up. just said that he messed up that I found pictures on his phone and dumped him. She said she wanted the real story as she didn't believe I would be so flaky and she never found out why his last 4 year relationship broke up. I never told her about his sexual problems or anything like that, Jesus no, just that he had a problem with chatting to girls on the internet and sending explicit texts. That I found about 20 different pictures of different women in his phone (they weren’t all sent during our relationship but a couple were). She understood and saw it as an addiction the same way I did and wanted to confront him to get help. He threw it back in her face the same way he did with me. She can't understand why he would tell me all this and then want nothing to do with me once we got back home.

 

I know what he must be going through. It's very embarrassing having your dirty secret exposed like that but at the same time he needs to face up to it or else it will escalate and he'll keep repeating the same patters with relationships over and over again. He was like a little boy when he broke down and told me the whole story about how serious this addiction was. I really empathize with him but at the same time I couldn't let myself get hurt like that again. I was willing to wait for him to get help, I would have been there for him all the way through and if he felt he could beat it then I would have given us a fresh start. In the letter I sent to him I included contact details for an addiction counseling service that could help them. I had spoke to them about his situation. He had asked me if I’d do this before he told me he wanted a total break.

 

What's killing me is that he won’t speak to me at all now. It's like he hates me. I know I have to move on now but I'm so hurt over this. I haven't contacted him since the text about the clothes on Monday and I'll keep to NC from now on.

Edited June 23, 2010 by brokendream