Had a fight over herpes and how I lost her for good

[harkkam]

I know that you guys must be wondering WTH but Ive been here on LS for some time now, and I feel like I need to share my story and what actually happened, so that you guys can tear it apart and throw some wisdom on me, because I feel like I made so many mistakes and I need to learn. Sorry guys its a long post please bear.

 

Me and my ex dated for one year and I met her through some mutual friends. We instantly clicked and had great chemistry but our relationship was having problems from the start. She was 19 I was 23.

 

We fought about her being overly flirtatious and after about a month or two she worked on this and truly changed her behavior to the point I trusted her with my whole heart.

 

Then I learned that my parents were not happy with her background so I broke it off with her realizing my family would practically disown me if I married her. But after some thought and talking to her, we both got the courage to defy our parents and say that even if we did loose them we would still have each other and thats what was right to do. So we tried working on it and in the end she agreed on converting into my families religion. This problem alone caused so much trouble.

 

Then she started to feel like I wasnt giving her enough attention and time and that I acted selfish and did things that were mean and I would start arguments over little things. I recognized this and tired my hardest to change for her because I loved her. She did say "you are starting to change I can see it, it makes me happy" But then I would get mad or upset at her over something like showing up an hour late. She once told me that she would like to help her family out with money because they didnt have much. And she told me that her mother goes behind her fathers back and sends money to her relatives which got me worried and I started an argument more out of fear to make sure she wouldnt do something like that to me like her mother was. There were so many little arguments over things about the future and each time i handled them the WRONG WAY. Sometimes she wanted to do "crazy things" like dance in the street with me when some street music was playing and I would snap and say "Why its so embarrassing" and she would get sad.

 

I loved her, one time we were in a Mcdonalds and a woman was sitting there that was sick looking she had alcohol poisoning the manger of the store kicked her out and my ex followed her outside after we both looked at each other and decided we needed to help her and my ex put her hand on the ladies back back and calmed her down and even got her water and I called the ambulance. When the police officers got there they said "wow your girlfriend is really nice, thank you guys for helping out"

 

We would go to the beach and she would tell me "take off your shoes and now you are going to chase me" and I chased her and I would catch her and we would fall down and we would kiss and nobody was on the beach but us.

 

She used to tell me how she loved humanity and how she wanted to help people. Every time she would see a homeless person she would feel very sad and her face would get down. I would give her a hug. She came from a poor family and she really appreciated life and everything that was in it.

 

I came from a well off family and I didnt appreciate things as much as she did. She didnt have health care or any of the basic things. I went to her house once and her fridge was almost empty and she barely had anything to eat.

 

When work used to overwhelm us we would call each other and talk to each other and tell each other everything was going to be okay and we would make it.

 

ALl of these things about her made me love her more, I wanted to take care of her and help her get out of that cycle she was stuck in. I wanted to be there for her and provide for her. I wanted to give her everything I had to make her life happy.

 

One time we were sitting in a busy area and a lady started to cry, after having an argument with a guy. MY ex immediately got up and tried to console her and tell her "hey whats the matter sweetie" and I was amazed at my ex and her willingness to help others.

 

We would go to places around our city and find beautiful parks and sit and listen to music playing and we would go to all kinds of places and make love where ever we could in my car at the beach, sometimes in my parents home when they were gone because we didnt have the money for a motel and we both lived with our parents.

 

We always found scenic places to take pictures off and when it would get cold we would huddle in my car and we would make out with the heat on and just tell each other funny stories. We one time went to the beach and we made love and then we watch the sunrise together and I held her in my hands and she looked so beautiful I still remember what she wore that day.

 

There are just so many wonderful and sweet memories like that I could go on forever.

 

But now

 

I look back and think about who I was as a person and I am ashamed that I know I could have been SUCH a better person. I have that gentle soul and goodness in my heart that I showed to her but I had my faults. I made mistakes more than anything I hurt her feelings and I brought her down and I can never ever tell her how sorry I am for doing that as I sit here with tears in my eyes.

 

The last fight me and my ex had about was me finding out she had herpes. I freaked out and I told her that if I got tested and I came back negative I wasn't sure that I wanted to stick around for her. I stupidly told her that and this set off a chain reaction like no other. She was very upset and angry and hurt. The first day or so she was just very hurt and sent me text messages saying to calm down and how we would work things out and try to make things safe. Then she got very upset at me that I would drop her so quickly over "herpes" as she put it. She told me that she doesnt want to be with a guy like me who can just be so cold and break-up over something so stupid.

 

The fact is that before I found out she had herpes, she had broken up with me about six times and taken me back each time. So i told her "I looked at our relationship and how unstable it was and you have broken up with me so many times that I didnt think we were going to last and I didnt want to continue risking myself to catching herpes for a relationship that didnt look solid"

 

She then proceeded to tell me that "Each time I broke up with you it wasn't for real, I was just trying to get you to change because you didn't listen any other way or take me seriously." I told her "Well you cant break up with me if you want me to change that gave me the wrong impression that you didnt love me and believe in us" But I know that I am to blame because it did take alot for me to listen and understand her point of view and I feel bad that I drove her to breaking up to get a point across.

 

Soon after she started attacking me as a person and started making more general statements about me "You arent the kind of guy I want" and "I realized I've been lying to myself that you would be who I want to spend the rest of my life with" and "I know who you really are deep down and it isnt a match for my heart."

 

I know that there were problems and that I right now would move a mountain to fix. But I wasn't in tune with her and I didnt do the right thing and change and fix some of my mistakes like getting annoyed to quickly or being a bit controlling about certain issues. Thats my fault and I accept the consequences of creating discontent in her heart for me.

 

But I think that telling her I would leave if I was negative for herpes hurt her more than anything. I told her I didnt want to have a stigma and be stuck with it and have problems dating people because I caught it and our relationship ends because in my mind it was rocky.

 

I told her "How could you give up all we had so fast all our memories" and about a day later she replied, (this was two months ago about two three days after the break up) "You threw me out with the herpes problem and you threw out all our memories and times we had you did that, now I have no more desire after your huge ordeal"

 

After that, I apologized profusely to her and she said "I dont know if youre the right guy for me but if you want to prove me wrong you have to give me space and time to think about it I cant even give you a hello and I miss you even though I do" (this was about a week after the break up)

 

But I couldnt stop myself from being in PANIC mode, I realized how stupid it was to stop dating a girl that I really loved and wanted to marry over something like herpes. I told her I was stupid and acted out of fear and that I hope she would forgive me. That I would stay with her and not care about it.

 

So I kept texting and her and trying to call her and day by day her attitude toward me became more and more negative. Each day she would become more nastier and meaner. She would say "You lost me a long time ago and I am so disappointed to have stayed for so long" and then "Its who you are I dont like you as a person, you are not a match for my heart" and "I dont care how much you apologize you are not who I want, I want another a diff guy thats all"

 

I think that being so AFRAID of losing her, I hadnt heard of NC back then. WISH I SO Wish I had read the idea behind NC and just let her be from day one. I tired for like three days when she asked me in the start and I just gave in to the PANIC.

 

I remember her even saying "I still love you and miss you, but I still choose to be here for myself, its good for me and I need to be alone for a while before I can let you back into my life"

 

I have so many regrets that I just didnt say "Okay I understand baby, I will respect you and give you as much time as you need" Thats what I SHOULD have done but I was so AFRAID of losing her I terrorized her with texts and calls.

 

Thats my story.

 

Now that its over I sit her and think about just how amazing and wonderful she was. She did have her faults of course, she tended to be stubborn at times and sometimes a little over sensitive to things. But all in all I miss her.

 

I miss her soul and all our memories. I have regret and I love this woman so damn much. I wonder if any other woman can ever fill her shoes.

 

Its so hard to get over someone that you admire so much and look up to. SO hard to let them go when you so wanted to be there for them and support them. I dont hate her, and more than that I still am so much enamored by who she is as a person. Its hurts to know that she is not with me.

 

How can I let go of a woman who I respect and admire so much

Edited June 22, 2010 by harkkam

[123BeachFan]

You two have a wonderful and beautiful relationship. Sure you've had rocky moments, but it sounds like you both pulled through and are better people as a result.

 

I'd hate to see you two break up over something that can be resolved.

 

I'm sorry to hear she has herpes. But it isn't the end of the world, and it's something that the two of you, together, can work through.

 

There are daily medications she can take to virtually eliminate the risk of infection (assuming you are still negative). Plus, you two can practice safe sex practices (condoms) to further reduce your risk.

 

Find a clinic in your area that offers free counseling and you can both sit down and learn how to cope with this.

 

I know it's all scary and messy, but you don't have to give up! Hang in there, support her, and you'll be happy that you've stayed by her side instead of walking away.

[harkkam]

I tried really hard to fight for her I tried. But she gave up on me. She just got tired of the arguing and fighting.

 

I tried for two months to tell her how sorry I was. And she just ended up with saying

 

"What kind of man are you that you cant even get over a girl, you're a boy" and I got mad and just called her an "assh*ole"

 

That was the last we spoke and its been NC ever since for one month now.

 

I sent her a few text messages saying "Hi just wondering how you've been"

 

and she sends me "Leave me alone" and she sends a mutual friend "He wont leave me alone, Im afraid he is going to show up randomly"

 

She really just gave up and now hates me and has lost attraction and doesnt like me as a person.

[jen_r]

Welcome to my world. I couldn't keep NC if my life depended on it. I, too, went into panic mode and texted and called and emailed and messaged...it consumed me. My thoughts race through out the day about him and...I dunno where I'm going with this but, i feel your pain more than you will ever know.

[listen_to_me_please]

dude what the hell is wrong with you.

she is dieased now.

 

of course she is going to get upset with you for not wanting to be with diseased female. she is DIEASED. run away.

 

think clearly, if she was any women and you knew she had herpes, a NON curable disease, would you date her?

 

your ex was to loose sexually and now she's suffering, run away from her before you become diseased too.

[romango]

 

You two have a wonderful and beautiful relationship. Sure you've had rocky moments, but it sounds like you both pulled through and are better people as a result.

 

I'd hate to see you two break up over something that can be resolved.

 

 

So true. This wonderful and beautiful relationship rivals Romeo and Juliet. I'd suggest marrying her as soon as possible and living happily ever after.

[D-Lish]

She should have been honest with you from the beginning about having Herpes. That's not something anyone should hide from a sexual partner.

She should have told you before you got sexually involved with her.

I would have major trust issues with someone that told me after the fact.

[Green]

Your story was beautiful and nasty at the same time.

 

So did you end up finding out if you have herpes or not?

 

I don't know much about herpes but it seems like more of a stigma then an actual burden from the little I do know.

 

You certainly thought the things a lot of us would think, BUT you should have been more sensitive in dealing with her.

 

I can relate to being to serious with my gf some times when she just wants to be silly and have fun and I hate those memories and when I act like that. So I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.

 

If you really love this girl I wouldn't give up on her yet. Maybe there is a way to reduce the risks of you catching herpes. The reality is A LOT of people seem to have STI's so your chance of catching one if you continue to date and don't settle down are probably HIGH.

[mark982]

while i feel bad about your problem. i would watch my butt if i was you. you text her asking "how she's doing"--- tells you to leave her alone. then texts her friend saying she's afraid you'll show up. prime time set up to me. have to slew of charges thrown at you by the men in blue. has happened many times.

[harkkam]

Yeah I have no other choice but to not contact her and leave her alone.

 

Yeah my story sounds and feels like Romeo and Juliet.

 

She had told me it was herpes about three months in but at that time i thought it was just a pimple. I HAD NO idea what HERPES even was. Until I ran across it in a text book and I was like "Wait ive seen this before"

 

----

 

Guys I really WISH I could marry this girl but she is GONE now. SHe used to love me unconditionally and if I was late to pick her up, she wouldn't get mad at me and just say "it hurts when you come late" and I would say I am sorry.

 

Had I been more mature I'm sure I would have handled the herpes situation better and not hurt her as much as I did.

 

She had her faults to, but we always managed to work through them.

---

 

I remember one night we were in park and we stood in a gazebo and she started teaching me how to dance and we both just acted silly for like two hours doing silly things and play acting.

 

One time we found a golf range that had three floors and the third floor was abandoned and we went up there and we were alone and kissed and hugged for hours.

 

I miss her. The woman that she used to be, before I pushed her away. I am just hurt that during this time she just gave up and turned into this cold person and just let all her feelings for me go. I thought what we had was stronger and keep us together and let us work through this.

 

----

 

Guys will i ever find another woman like her? THe things we did together do couples do them normally? OR was she rare, will I find another women who loves running barefoot on a beach or who loves sitting in a park and just kissing and feeling the wind and watching the sunset? Or who will go out of her way to help others.

 

Was she a special woman, Im afraid im going to go my whole life and never find another woman like her. She used to tell me "baby I know that I dont tell you how good looking you are, I need to do that more and I will because you are so hot to me" just on her own she'd say that.

 

Gosh I miss her

Edited June 23, 2010 by harkkam

[Green]

SO DID YOU CATCH IT?

 

and yes its rare so if you think there is a chance you can win her back and you still want her then go give it a try.

 

IF you've given up on her I'm sure you will find some one else just never take it for granted and try to catch yourself before you do jerk things.

 

DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER LOSING HER IF SHE IS LOST FOR GOOD. You will find happyness. And remember life is a journey so enjoy it.

[harkkam]

NO I didnt catch it. I have had no symptoms of it.

 

She was also very pretty had a stunning body. She had been a virgin before she met me she got herpes when she was ten from an AUNT she was told.

 

I taught her everything about sex and we made such passionate love to each other.

 

You said she was rare, why is that? I just want to know how RARE she was and what I lost so I can learn to recognize peoples value.

 

I BEAT MYSELF UP EVERYDAY, because i LOST a GIFT to me it seems.

Edited June 23, 2010 by harkkam

[Green]

caught it from her aunt? makes no sense, you mean she has the LIP kind of herpes and her aunt gave her a lip kiss?

 

Look YOU KNOW HOW RARE IT IS TO CONNECT WITH SOME ONE your 23 how many times have you liked a girl this much? Thats how rare it is.

 

The fact is if you don't give up and just live your life you will MEET ANOTHER GIRL. Its not the end of the world.

 

Like I said life is a journey not a destination. DONT BE SO HARD ON URSELF

[FindingE]

Catching herpes from an aunt makes no sense, and if what she has is herpes I (the lip kind) you got all upset over nothing.

 

Now - herpes II can also manifest itself on the spine in addition to the typical areas - herpes is a weird, weird disease. If she has herpes II she did NOT get it from her aunt when she was 10 unless she was molested or something and even then, I really don't see how.....I just don't get that part at all - do you have any other details?

[harkkam]

Yeah she has the lip kind, sorry I didn't specify. I think how i handled the situation with her just caused all this to break. I read that the lip kind can be spread to the genitals

 

Yeah I never had such a deep connection with anyone else. I realized she was the RIGHT person, but the wrong TIME.

 

 

Are there women like her out there, because most women to me seem mean and cold and she had this warm spirit that would light up a room.

 

I WANT a woman that is JUST like her, just as pretty and sensitive etc.

 

Im a shy guy who has anxiety about meeting and women, the chances of me meeting a woman like her is almost zero. All my friends used to say "wow she is an 8, you got a hottie"

 

How the hell am I going to find a woman with all these traits when I am so shy to walk up to random girls and start convo's. Nobody is going to show up at my door I got to put myself out there but I am so shy.

 

It doesnt look likely that in my lifetime I will find a woman like her.

 

Maybe thats me being negative.

[FindingE]

That makes more sense - I caught it (lip kind) when I was a kid too.

 

I can feel your pain, I hear the regret and loss in your "voice". Is there any chance she might come back? - you said you terrorized her with calls and texts, were you angry? saying mean things? or were there just lots of them?

 

I don't believe any of that stuff that there is just one perfect person for everyone, but it sounds like - for you - she was pretty close to that one person if such a thing existed. I would work on becoming more outgoing and losing that shyness and awkwardness because you have set the bar pretty high for yourself now and you are going to need to play the odds on meeting people in order find another who is so well suited for you as she was. I hope that doesn't sound too negative, just being realistic, I won't give you sunshine and rainbows and say, aw - there is another girl for you right around the corner, you might get lucky but in reality you will probably have to do quite a bit of searching to find another who makes you feel so good and appeals to you in so many wonderful ways as she did. It sounds like she was (is) very special.

 

No chance of her coming back to you - even if you apologized and all that?

[norajane]

All this is about cold sores? Dude, half the population gets those. It's virus. It happens. It's not a big deal. Especially since you dated that long and had no idea, so clearly, she doesn't get them very frequently.

 

If you're so heartbroken, then don't just let this happen. Tell her you were a dumbass and keep telling her. She might relent. You at least have to TRY and fight for her.

[SilentWitness]

Ugh people really are focusing on the wrong things in this thread. Whether or not he caught herpes is personal and not really relevant, and the poster made it quite clear that the relationship was over in his original post.

 

I probably understand all too well what you must be going through harkkam. Unfortunately, as natural as it is for many of us, panic mode is not a concept that many people understand when on the other end of it. It seems that you have realized this already, but this woman has become convinced that you are, in the words of my ex, mentally unstable, some kind of freak. Trying to contact her further will only make her more contemptuous and frightened of you.

 

If you are looking for advice, well then besides no contact, the main thing you need to do is not allow yourself to dwell on memories of her. Regardless of whether or not they are pleasant. You can't move on while living in the past.

[harkkam]

The things we did together the qualities she has, are they rare in a girl?

 

I feel so bad, that the odds are against me finding a girl like her again. Who loves the same thing.

[Eeyore79]

I find it amusing that people think the OP's gf is diseased if she has herpes on her genitals, but if she has the EXACT SAME VIRUS on her mouth it's suddenly okay

[StarrySkyBlue]

You can get herpes by just sharing a glass. My friend's friend got it, and within a month everyone in his family (father, mother, siblings) got it too.

[123BeachFan]

Harkkam,

The chances of finding another girl JUST LIKE HER are nill. And don't try it because the new girl will just be a substitute for this one, and you'll shortchange the new girl by honing in on the similar qualities without appreciating her for all her unique qualities.

 

I'd like to think that all's not lost. If you were a complete idiot regarding herpes, it's not too late to at least GROW from it. And at best, you'll win your girl back.

 

First, learn all there is to learn about herpes. Reading your posts here, you still aren't familiar with the disease. You need to learn the difference from Herpes 1 and Herpes 2, how to cope as a person who has a disease as well as how to cope as a person who's in a relationship with someone with herpes. Do this as an act of LOVE towards her. To accept her, you have to understand her. Even if you never get back with her.

 

Get tested. Find out if you are positive or negative.

 

Then send her a letter. Tell her that you ACCEPT her for who she is. Tell her that you were a total IDIOT for hurting her and rejecting her. Do it because you mean it.

 

I would say, don't give up. Don't be a stalker either, but I think if you are truly genuine and you can show you've GROWN and won't repeat the same mistakes, you just might have a fighting chance.

 

Good luck.

[harkkam]

She told me "The love is gone and like in the wind" she told me to leave her alone.

 

She told her friend that she was afraid that Id show up randomly.

 

I sent her a letter and email after the first week we broke up and apologized profusely. I did educate myself and I even researched prices for herpes medication.

 

I TOLD HER that I WOULD PAY for the medication because I know its expensive and cant afford it. I told her I didnt care for it.

 

She told me that I was being selfish and that I should take her either with NO meds or NOT at ALL. She told me that the damage the medications cause would be much greater than what getting herpes would do to me.

 

I told her I would take her without her taking meds. We talked for two weeks we rather texted back and forth. We texted a few times a day and things were slow and but at least she was talking to me

 

I made the mistake because one day she was being cold I had sent her a text in the morning and she hadnt responded all day long and at night I asked her in a text "Hey have you hooked up with anyone, I feel so ignored and I am worried"

 

We were texting because she said she didnt want to talk to me and that talking on the phone she was not ready to be so close. I told her whats the big deal its just a phone call to say hi. But she said no so we texted back and forth for two weeks

 

and she said "No I havent Im not a slut, but w.e I never have wanted to be with you sorry but I am disappointed in myself to having stayed for so long with you. I know the truth hurts but thats what it is, I gave you a second chance and I am seeing you have changed a little but not enough, and not what I want it was a confirmation I dont want to be with you"

 

I was crushed to the bone. She was so HARSH.

 

I got no chance. Its been two months now.

 

Yeah I wont find a girl just like her and if I try to find a girl like her I'm going to cut the new girl short.

 

I feel so lonely and my life just sucks right now.

 

I DONT have any friends just family I live with them at home and they have been helping me. But I have no friends to call and hangout with. I have been home for the last two months basically.

 

Now I have no one to go to the beach with and explore the city and go to places. I have nobody to walk the city with and see the wonderful things I have with her. I have no one to hug and hold and my life sucks and I dont have the energy to pick myself up.

 

How the hell does life get better than this?

 

I am sitting here watching TV, I look outside and see people outside holding hands and I see people going to the city doing things together she was the woman I did things with. I held her and now I feel so alone.

 

We did so many things together, museums, movies, random walks and fun times. Now I have nothing.

 

It feels so bad

Edited June 23, 2010 by harkkam

[Green]

I broke up with a girl once and cried like a little baby for a while in front of my family...

 

Don't worry dude you'll get over it. The fact is though LOTS of people have the LIP kind of herpes and don't even know it or understand it.

 

I really don't think you can live your life afraid of the LIP kind any ways.

 

You'll find another girl who will be different and who you will like better. Might not find her for a while but who cares LIFES A JOURNEY.

 

Talk to your doctor about the entire herpes situation if you want educated advice.

 

Heres a website http://www.emedicinehealth.com/oral_herpes/article_em.htm

 

it talks about oral herpes. The fact is most people have probably been infected by atleast ONE type of it by adulthood. There are different types.

 

People are really silly about this so just read up and ask your dentist or doctor about it. Tell them your situation and learn from it for the future.

 

I wouldn't give up on this girl yet but you might have screwed things up unreversseably.

[harkkam]

Yeah I really educated myseld so I am good on that. I know lots of people have it and I had no idea about it.

 

Now that I know how common and how much of a small thing it is. I wouldnt have worried about it.

 

Yeah there is nothing much I can do at this point but NC. She told me to leave her alone in the most direct and offensive way.

 

Things seem messed up with me.

 

I dont have any friends, I am home ALONE. How do I deal with having no social circle and just having nobody to do anything with?