silverplanets Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Hi all, Maybe you remember that I posted a short while ago that xMW (whom I went NC with 9 months ago due to her repeated lack of action and lieing to me/her husband and also need for attention from other men) had created an account on a site I used with my surname and was posting. My reaction to that was just to delete my account (loosing all my history on it etc) and leave her to it. I posted to work out why that made me angry (seeing is I didn't want her back) and kind of agreed with posters that a) I was annoyed at loosing my account due to her actions (I had a lof of friends on there over many years) b) I was miffed that she had just reached in and had any affect on my life again c) I was miffed that someone could just do somethign so "wrong" and with a comlete lack of respect to me and also to her H I also said I would just leave the whole thing for a year and not go back to that site unless after a year I wanted to (knowing pretty much that I wasn't going to want to). Well, this weekend I noticed on Sat morning that I had recevied a comletely blank text from an unkown number at just after midnight. It's my daughters confirmation this weekend so there were guests coming (not all of whom I had the numbers for) so I just replied - "Sorry, no message has come through, who is this?". Just after that I got a message back saying "Sorry - texted you by mistake whilst out drinking" .. followed by something else which made clear it was xMW. I thought about it for a long time and then texted back that she was being disrespectful to her H and that it was not appropriate. Now personally, I might have believed this was a mistake, except that first she's used this fishing tactic many times before over the years and second there is also this issue of the account in my name she created. To me it's an escalating pattern I've seen before and just indicates she was growing in confidence that I wouldn't react to the "prod" by telling her husband .. and therefore we would have "a little secret" again ... So after much thought I took the decision on Saturday to make her H aware of the texts and the account. it was a very simple email, no accusation, no additional facts, and I just stated that the reason I was tellign him was that from past experience it was the only way to get her to stop. Sunday was all quiet and I had a lovely day, such a proud Dad :-) In the night I had a "you bast***" text from her and lo and behold, when I checked that account she'd created using my surname it had mysteriously vanished. So why am I posting? not sure. For validation, a well done ... no, not really. I don't feel proud of it and after 9 months NC it was not my intention to have any more ... BUT ... I believe I deserve to have my boundries respected and she obviously had no intention of doing so. I believe I have handled it with the least drama possible .. merely donig nothig (as i've tried in the past) would have just led to escaltion of her efforts .. so, from my point of view, I have merely brought whe whole thing out in to the open straight away .. and the speed of resutls has provided all the evidence I needed (if I actually cared) that she was up to no good. I'd be interested in any advice/comments/thoughts .. the only aim of this is to allow my life to continue to move forwards without her and her drama. There was no anger or emotion in my email to her H, no riling language, I tried to keep it dull and factual. Didnt' tell him what he needed to do, just made him aware of it. I'm not a confrontation person, but can't honestly see how I was meant to deal with it any other way. I am cross that she has caused me to need to even spare any thought on her again, and doubly cross that she has actually requied me to take action but at the end of the day she chose to cross the lines, not me. be safe all Chris
pureinheart Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 It's ok to be upset, at one point she was a major part of your life. I have recently discovered, while yes there is no desire to go back, I still hurt a bit here and there....with our R's...well Chris, they never played out. Most R's come to a natural end, ours/these didnot...we are left to wonder. IMO she is arrogant Chris...in no way, shape or form would I contact an individual that did not want me anymore regardless of the circumstances...home girl don't roll that way. Then to top it off after her "fishing expedition" she calls you names in a text...that is jacked up for many reasons. I would never assume that I am "all that" to send a text and the agenda being that the receiver was sitting there waiting after 9 mo for me to text...and jump up and down and text me back saying...oh I missed you soo much, etc. wow, too much dude....well ((((((hugs))))))
jj33 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 You did the right thing. You have a right not to be contacted by her. There are consequences. She decided to push the envelope. You decided to push back. It didnt create drama. It was a simple statement. Every time I have had to say something about xMMs behavior it riles me. What is getting to you (I suspect) is the same thing that gets to me. That someone you loved SO much would toy with you again and again. There comes a point when you say no more. I dont have to be tortured (emotionally) like this. You cant yank my chain forever and expect me to just sit here and take it. My feeling (after putting up with escalating behavior again and again) was look either you are still in love with me and if you are after all this time that we have been apart then wake up and do something about it or if it is really over then leave me in peace. After a certain point, there is no more in between. You were simply enforcing your boundaries. Nothing wrong with that.
Author silverplanets Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 It's ok to be upset, at one point she was a major part of your life. I have recently discovered, while yes there is no desire to go back, I still hurt a bit here and there....with our R's...well Chris, they never played out. Most R's come to a natural end, ours/these didnot...we are left to wonder. IMO she is arrogant Chris...in no way, shape or form would I contact an individual that did not want me anymore regardless of the circumstances...home girl don't roll that way. Then to top it off after her "fishing expedition" she calls you names in a text...that is jacked up for many reasons. I would never assume that I am "all that" to send a text and the agenda being that the receiver was sitting there waiting after 9 mo for me to text...and jump up and down and text me back saying...oh I missed you soo much, etc. wow, too much dude....well ((((((hugs)))))) Awww, this made my day .. the "too much dude" comment has me laughing at the desk .. kind of sums up how rediculous it all is ... I'm gonna call this the "too much dude" incident and just file it away and proceed on .. Big thanks for the post ... Just pee'd off I was forced to give "her" any attention at all I guess !!! take care Chris
Author silverplanets Posted June 14, 2010 Author Posted June 14, 2010 You did the right thing. You have a right not to be contacted by her. Thank you - this simple statement means a lot to me There are consequences. She decided to push the envelope. You decided to push back. I love the simple way you've stated this It didnt create drama. It was a simple statement. Again thank you - I have really tried not to create drama, to work on myself etc, but I just couldn't see a way to avoid standing up for myself here. Every time I have had to say something about xMMs behavior it riles me. Yes! What is getting to you (I suspect) is the same thing that gets to me. That someone you loved SO much would toy with you again and again. yes, Yes, YEs, YES !!! It's just abuse There comes a point when you say no more. I dont have to be tortured (emotionally) like this. You cant yank my chain forever and expect me to just sit here and take it. Again, yes, yes, yes ... My feeling (after putting up with escalating behavior again and again) was look either you are still in love with me and if you are after all this time that we have been apart then wake up and do something about it or if it is really over then leave me in peace. After a certain point, there is no more in between. I agree - there is no more in-between You were simply enforcing your boundaries. Nothing wrong with that. jj - this was/is exactly me. I don't want drama, I don't want an A (never did) and I don't want to be played with like some kind of child's toy. I just want to be treated with respect .. and that respect for me is - if YOU don't want to be with me then that's OK, it really is. Leave me alone to deal with it, heal and move on. Don't "jerk my chain " as you said .. gosh I love the image of that phrase .. it's SO true. I'm not a huge posted on LS I know .. mostly cause the real hurt of my A was dealt with by the time I found it ... (gosh I wish LS had existed 13 years ago!!) BUT I have tried to learn and reflect on other people's experienecs on LS and I just don't see this "jerking the chain" as innocent or acceptable any more. I guess I've also learned that I have the right (duty to myself??) to say no, quietly, effectively and resolutely. Previously these actions would have made me angry and contact her to express it. This of course was exactly what she wanted .. I was SO predictable .. and then I could be "brought" into the latest fantasy situation. But not any more .. I've learnt I don't need to react but that sometimes it is appropriate to take action. Your post meant a lot Chris
jj33 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 Silver I am right there with you but a slower learner than you (I seem to have learned in dog years). It took me 2 years to figure out that instead of crying and sending a million texts and emails that all I had to do was say no thank you and tell people who might care (not his W as it happens). So I have spent the past year telling his investors from time to time. You KNOW it has to be really bad for me to go to them. And they really didnt want to hear it. The thing is he gaslights me. Why are you being so unprofesional about this? We have a business relationship. I was only contacting you for business. And then he would send a text or an email alluding to the fact that he was grappling with leaving. It was awful. He played with my emotions. He was my best friend and I cant believe that we cant even speak anymore but there are no words I just look at him and think who ARE you?He doesnt seem to think he has done anything wrong but thats not my problem.
fooled once Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Hi all, Maybe you remember that I posted a short while ago that xMW (whom I went NC with 9 months ago due to her repeated lack of action and lieing to me/her husband and also need for attention from other men) had created an account on a site I used with my surname and was posting. My reaction to that was just to delete my account (loosing all my history on it etc) and leave her to it. I posted to work out why that made me angry (seeing is I didn't want her back) and kind of agreed with posters that a) I was annoyed at loosing my account due to her actions (I had a lof of friends on there over many years) b) I was miffed that she had just reached in and had any affect on my life again c) I was miffed that someone could just do somethign so "wrong" and with a comlete lack of respect to me and also to her H I also said I would just leave the whole thing for a year and not go back to that site unless after a year I wanted to (knowing pretty much that I wasn't going to want to). Well, this weekend I noticed on Sat morning that I had recevied a comletely blank text from an unkown number at just after midnight. It's my daughters confirmation this weekend so there were guests coming (not all of whom I had the numbers for) so I just replied - "Sorry, no message has come through, who is this?". Just after that I got a message back saying "Sorry - texted you by mistake whilst out drinking" .. followed by something else which made clear it was xMW. I thought about it for a long time and then texted back that she was being disrespectful to her H and that it was not appropriate. Now personally, I might have believed this was a mistake, except that first she's used this fishing tactic many times before over the years and second there is also this issue of the account in my name she created. To me it's an escalating pattern I've seen before and just indicates she was growing in confidence that I wouldn't react to the "prod" by telling her husband .. and therefore we would have "a little secret" again ... So after much thought I took the decision on Saturday to make her H aware of the texts and the account. it was a very simple email, no accusation, no additional facts, and I just stated that the reason I was tellign him was that from past experience it was the only way to get her to stop. Sunday was all quiet and I had a lovely day, such a proud Dad :-) In the night I had a "you bast***" text from her and lo and behold, when I checked that account she'd created using my surname it had mysteriously vanished. So why am I posting? not sure. For validation, a well done ... no, not really. I don't feel proud of it and after 9 months NC it was not my intention to have any more ... BUT ... I believe I deserve to have my boundries respected and she obviously had no intention of doing so. I believe I have handled it with the least drama possible .. merely donig nothig (as i've tried in the past) would have just led to escaltion of her efforts .. so, from my point of view, I have merely brought whe whole thing out in to the open straight away .. and the speed of resutls has provided all the evidence I needed (if I actually cared) that she was up to no good. I'd be interested in any advice/comments/thoughts .. the only aim of this is to allow my life to continue to move forwards without her and her drama. There was no anger or emotion in my email to her H, no riling language, I tried to keep it dull and factual. Didnt' tell him what he needed to do, just made him aware of it. I'm not a confrontation person, but can't honestly see how I was meant to deal with it any other way. I am cross that she has caused me to need to even spare any thought on her again, and doubly cross that she has actually requied me to take action but at the end of the day she chose to cross the lines, not me. be safe all Chris I think you handled it just fine
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 You did great and did the right thing. She is disrespecting YOUR wishes for NC. I have to say, as much as it might be a pain the ass to do, it's time to change your cell number.
Owl Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I've got to agree. You handled this perfectly. In truth, I couldn't see anything you could have done better. I do also agree with WWIU...it's likely worth the hassle to change your cell # to remove that avenue of approach she likes to take.
Author silverplanets Posted June 15, 2010 Author Posted June 15, 2010 You did great and did the right thing. She is disrespecting YOUR wishes for NC. I have to say, as much as it might be a pain the ass to do, it's time to change your cell number. Thanks WWIU - and yes, you are right on the cell. I changed it once already but will do so again. In inconvenience, but again, it's "walking the walk" that makes the difference in sticking resolutely to your NC. I've got to agree. You handled this perfectly. In truth, I couldn't see anything you could have done better. I do also agree with WWIU...it's likely worth the hassle to change your cell # to remove that avenue of approach she likes to take. Thanks OWL .. So far there's been no more drama and no more communication ... so it seems to have worked at present I think you handled it just fine I feel a deep peace inside me at the action I took and I think, all things considered, that's a good sign .... Maintaining my own boundries does not come easily to me .. I was brought up with the confidence to allow myself to be flexible ... the old "grass in the wind" analogy .. I am, though, slowly learning not to be "bent too far " ... I feel like I've drawn a solid line here, and it feels good !!! :)
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