Confused100 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 (edited) Hey, new to the forums here... I'll try to keep it short--I can give more details if needed. I'm 20 and she's 22. I met her about 2.5 months ago (we took a class together). She's showing some mixed signals (e.g. asking if we should invite a mutual friend to the gym; suggesting I take a class because a lot of girls are in it), but some of my friends said she may just be doing so to fluster me. We have worked out at the gym a couple of times together. We've also hung out together a few times and seem to get along pretty well (we're always giggling/laughing). There's been some touching (hugs and the likes--nothing too crazy). I'm getting back from vacation next Tuesday. We already have plans to go to the gym Wednesday. I was thinking I'd ask her if she would like to go to dinner with me that weekend. Good plan? I figure it's going to eat me up inside if I never cross that threshold. The second--and very important--part to me is the question of rejection. What if she says no? What do I do? Do I try to play it off smoothly so that it seems like I wasn't THAT interested? Do I switch topics, for example, asking when we should meet up to work out the following day? I don't want to make the friendship really awkward. I already had the displeasure of losing a friend earlier this year and don't want to go through that again. PLEASE answer this part of the post as well! I've asked some other people, and haven't really gotten an answer. Edited June 11, 2010 by Confused100
jamal Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 (edited) If a girl suggest you hit on other women it is a sure sign of being friendzoned. She is not into you, romantically. I once had a very simillar situation in college. We used to go clubbing and working out together. Even worked at the same on campus job. I found out when I asked her out that she already had a boyfriend living thousands of miles away. At first I was crushed. When we went partying I would bump and grind with other females just to annoy her but it was just a phase that came to pass. Afterwards our friendship even strenghtened and I had major respect for her faithfulness in a LDR. I urge you to ask her out. I might be wrong and this girl does have the hearts for you - though your chances look pretty slim. Dont worry, as a good friend she will be very respectfull in her rejection. If I were you I wouldnt ask her out for dinner since she will think that its just one of those friendly dinners. Instead, tell her exactly how you feel. Do not ask for an answer or response. She will give you a response at her own time. If she doesnt like you like that or has a boyfriend she will probably tell you right there. If she likes you big time she would probably tell you right there as well. If she kinda likes you then she might ask for more time to think about it. Handling rejection is really hard. You must be honest with your feelings but do not ever get angry at her or disrespect her. You might even spend some time without talking to her - that is fine, you might need that cooling off period. She will understand that you are heartbroken and will be more than glad to welcome you back in her life. Whatever you do please no burning bridges. Life circumstances change with time and the more she gets to know you the more she might grow to like you. So there is always hope - just not now but maybe in 3 years from now. Edited June 11, 2010 by jamal
paddington bear Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 yes but she's not a 'friend' so by doing something and if you lose her you won't be losing a friend, you will be losing a female that you want more than friendship with. How much longer would you tolerate hanging on hoping something more could happen anyway? Eventually you will get frustrated and resentful. So, even if she does reject your advances, it is actually no loss. It would happen anyway. I'm not sure about asking her out using words. Too easily dismissed. I would up your body language, slowly and subtly. I'll bet you have been behaving like 'a friend' and as the previous poster said, you are firmly in the friendzone - suggesting that there would be girls there is a bad, bad sign and no, it is not said to fluster you. It is said to subtly let you know that she is not interested in more. Anyway, I would subtly up the flirting and start behaving the way you would around a girl you are attracted to, rather than a friend around her and would if the moment presented itself, kiss her. Actions speak louder than words. She has already friendzoned you, perhaps if you build up some sexual attraction by changing how you relate to her and tell her that you want more than friendship by kissing her, this might have a better chance than you spilling your guts about your feelings for her. As regards dealing with the rejection. If she says no, your friendship will be altered forever, being with her will remind you of the rejection and make you feel worse about yourself. If you don't do something, you will get frustrated and annoyed that the friendship isn't progressing into something else. Either way your relationship will change. And it is for the best that it does. If she doesn't like you, it will hurt bad, but at least you will know where you stand and can stop wasting your time mooning over someone that you can never have, and instead concentrate on someone that will reciprocate your feelings. Next time you get yourself into this kind of situation - girl you like, don't wait so long before making a move, otherwise you do get stuck in the friendzone and it's nearly impossible to get out of, once you are in there.
utterer of lies Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I was thinking I'd ask her if she would like to go to dinner with me that weekend. Good plan? I figure it's going to eat me up inside if I never cross that threshold. Ask her out on a date, not just 'dinner'. Be clear. The second--and very important--part to me is the question of rejection. What if she says no? What do I do? Do I try to play it off smoothly so that it seems like I wasn't THAT interested? Do I switch topics, for example, asking when we should meet up to work out the following day? I don't want to make the friendship really awkward. I already had the displeasure of losing a friend earlier this year and don't want to go through that again. PLEASE answer this part of the post as well! I've asked some other people, and haven't really gotten an answer. You need to be sure what you want of her. If you want her to be your friend, don't ask her out. If you want her to be more than that, and she doesn't, nothing is lost.
Author Confused100 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 Hmmm, thanks for the responses. I guess she never actually said I should hit on other girls, she just said that there were a lot of girls in that class. That is good advice--I've always been a bit shy, but next time I start to like a girl, I better just ask her out. So, basically the two options are: 1) SPECIFICALLY ask her out on a date and tell her my feelings. or 2) Try to ramp up flirting/physical contact slowly. I'm sort of inclined to take the first. My like of her has increased quite rapidly in the past couple weeks, and part of me just wants to get it done. You know what I mean? If it doesn't work out, at least I'll have closure, right? I do want more. Maybe I just want the friendship thing as a 'second best' sort of thing. But, then again, she's very intelligent and a careful person... those kind of people are great to have in your life.
Confusedalways Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I feel like this is one of those situations where if you don't do it, you'll be sorry. If she actually suggested you hit on girls-- that's not good. If she says no, then no harm no foul. I think a lot of men don't understand that when a woman says no to someone who is her friend, it's not like we have a reaction and are totally turned off. We just simply don't view them at a romantic partner but that doesn't mean we don't ever want you speaking to us and will view every encounter as you trying to pick us up, you know what I mean? You really should just do it. Bite the bullet, you'll be glad you did regardless of the outcome.
utterer of lies Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 1) SPECIFICALLY ask her out on a date and tell her my feelings. or 2) Try to ramp up flirting/physical contact slowly. No. 1) is 'SPECIFICALLY ask her out on a date'. Don't 'tell her your feelings', just the fact that you'd like to date her will tell her enough.
Author Confused100 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 I feel like this is one of those situations where if you don't do it, you'll be sorry. If she actually suggested you hit on girls-- that's not good. If she says no, then no harm no foul. I think a lot of men don't understand that when a woman says no to someone who is her friend, it's not like we have a reaction and are totally turned off. We just simply don't view them at a romantic partner but that doesn't mean we don't ever want you speaking to us and will view every encounter as you trying to pick us up, you know what I mean? You really should just do it. Bite the bullet, you'll be glad you did regardless of the outcome. Thanks for the input. The more I get advice, the more it pushes me to bite the bullet. You're right, I'll probably kick myself if I don't ask. I just need to do it. No. 1) is 'SPECIFICALLY ask her out on a date'. Don't 'tell her your feelings', just the fact that you'd like to date her will tell her enough. Thanks for the clarification!
Confusedalways Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 YAY good. Let us know how it goes, I love a happy ending
TouchedByViolet Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 I'm glad you are taking a risk sir. You won't get anywhere in life sitting on your hands. From what you have said their does seem to be some unexplored potential here. Just go in hoping for the best. About rejection, ALWAYS play it off smoothly. If she says "no" she will probably have some sort of excuse. Just acknowledge her decision and say something like "thats a bummer, maybe next time." Good luck!
utterer of lies Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 About rejection, ALWAYS play it off smoothly. If she says "no" she will probably have some sort of excuse. Just acknowledge her decision and say something like "thats a bummer, maybe next time." Don't ruin all the fun for him. What about making a huge scene, blubbering in front of the whole gym, wailing gloriously.
Author Confused100 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Posted June 11, 2010 YAY good. Let us know how it goes, I love a happy ending Will do! I know I'm on vacation (in beautiful San Francisco!) and I'm LOVING it, but I'm also anxious to get back and just ask her. I'm glad you are taking a risk sir. You won't get anywhere in life sitting on your hands. From what you have said their does seem to be some unexplored potential here. Just go in hoping for the best. About rejection, ALWAYS play it off smoothly. If she says "no" she will probably have some sort of excuse. Just acknowledge her decision and say something like "thats a bummer, maybe next time." Good luck! Thanks for the input, greatly appreciated!
Author Confused100 Posted June 12, 2010 Author Posted June 12, 2010 A good sign? Reading too much into it? I was chatting with her on Facebook tonight and she was disappointed that I couldn't make it to her graduation. She said: "sigh you wont be at graduation. so im gonna have to sit by myself". And a little previous to that, I sent her a message (with a picture I had taken earlier that day), "here's a rose for you" and she replied with "haha awwwww".
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