Yo-Yo Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Hey all - thanks for help with my other post.... I'm trying to let it go, but I can't help but think of why I became such a bowl of jelly for this girl....As if I were 9 years old or something.... As I look back, it seems that I did move quite quickly...I fell for her completely....It doesn't happen to me with every girl I'm attracted to, but sometimes it does....And there's one thing in common....Teasing with no end or point..... This past girl i was with, I was cool, calm, and collected at first....We were totally connecting, there was incredible chemistry and all...I tried to kiss her, and was rejected, even though she had lit candles, turned on romantic music, cuddled with me on a mattress, talking and staring into each others' eyes for hours and hours.... Basically, long story short, she was initiating all these things which would LOUDLY suggest that she was into me, and that a kiss would not be the most ludicrous move I could make.... Even after awhile, she was sleeping at my house, getting me naked, and then rejecting me.... Last big headfork was when she jumped on me in severe passion and told me she wanted to have sex right then and there....Then she rejected me when I went for it... I'm 38, and she's 50 (although acts like and associates with kids in their early 20's) After all this teasing, I was basically worked into a frenzy, and was pushing for her to make good on all these things she'd set up.... Sometimes I blame myself for getting so infatuated, but do any of you think that it could have just been the result of getting the carrot dangled in front of my face over and over? Thanks, all...
Rorschach Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Just some cruel vindictive woman playing mind games with you. Sorry bro.
Author Yo-Yo Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Heh, I guess you said it all...I've heard someone else tell her that she's "mean to men"....Seems to make sense... Thanks for your reply, brah...
tkgirl Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Hey all - thanks for help with my other post.... I'm trying to let it go, but I can't help but think of why I became such a bowl of jelly for this girl....As if I were 9 years old or something.... As I look back, it seems that I did move quite quickly...I fell for her completely....It doesn't happen to me with every girl I'm attracted to, but sometimes it does....And there's one thing in common....Teasing with no end or point..... This past girl i was with, I was cool, calm, and collected at first....We were totally connecting, there was incredible chemistry and all...I tried to kiss her, and was rejected, even though she had lit candles, turned on romantic music, cuddled with me on a mattress, talking and staring into each others' eyes for hours and hours.... Basically, long story short, she was initiating all these things which would LOUDLY suggest that she was into me, and that a kiss would not be the most ludicrous move I could make.... Even after awhile, she was sleeping at my house, getting me naked, and then rejecting me.... Last big headfork was when she jumped on me in severe passion and told me she wanted to have sex right then and there....Then she rejected me when I went for it... I'm 38, and she's 50 (although acts like and associates with kids in their early 20's) After all this teasing, I was basically worked into a frenzy, and was pushing for her to make good on all these things she'd set up.... Sometimes I blame myself for getting so infatuated, but do any of you think that it could have just been the result of getting the carrot dangled in front of my face over and over? Thanks, all... WTF??? you both sound really young... but 38 and 50?!! that's way too old to be playing games like this. yeah, she's being a total beoch for messing with your head like that but you're allowing it... why?
Author Yo-Yo Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Umm, I'm not understanding why you say that I sound young....Because I let her get away with it? I knew she was nervous about getting too close to anyone because she still had scars from previous relationships. Also, we live in a place that is a headquarters for d*ckheads, fakes, and womanizers and I'm not one of them. I was just simply trying to ride it out, especially because I was infatuated with her....But there was a breaking point... Ok, so I guess I do sound young....I just fell hard... Nevertheless, I do have a problem drawing boundaries, but I just wanted to see if anyone had any thoughts about someone's giving the "stop and go simultaneously" signals and it's effect on someone's hunger for what they're being teased with.. Thanks for your reply!
Author Yo-Yo Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Another thing worth mentioning is that I guess I've had really good luck, because I have had little to no experience with head-games, testing, all that immature stuff...Just about all the girls I've dated/had relationships with really *didn't* mess with me like this, so I wasn't ready to spot it (and you know when you're into someone, we tend to rationalize their behaviour while it's happening).. I just thought that with enough patience, she'd see that I wasn't someone to fear...Then things just got out of hand...
tkgirl Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Umm, I'm not understanding why you say that I sound young....Because I let her get away with it? I knew she was nervous about getting too close to anyone because she still had scars from previous relationships. Also, we live in a place that is a headquarters for d*ckheads, fakes, and womanizers and I'm not one of them. I was just simply trying to ride it out, especially because I was infatuated with her....But there was a breaking point... Ok, so I guess I do sound young....I just fell hard... Nevertheless, I do have a problem drawing boundaries, but I just wanted to see if anyone had any thoughts about someone's giving the "stop and go simultaneously" signals and it's effect on someone's hunger for what they're being teased with.. Thanks for your reply! sorry.. just when you said something about "falling hard for this girl" and then later you wrote how you were 38 and she was 50... yeah, I was a little shocked! I just think she's messing with you way too much... a little flirting is ok, building the anticipation and all that... but she's taking it too far. She sounds like a nut job and if I were you I'd steer clear of her...
fishtaco Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 She's playing you. Stay away. Something similar has happened to me before, but not quite as bad. After a date and hanging out a few times, this chick called me in the middle of the night to spend the night with her in her bed. I went, expecting sex, because even really good male/female platonic friends DON'T spend the night in the same bed together, and this is a chick that I was going through the dating process with. I went for sex, she turned me down. I decided to play nice and stayed there the whole night, but I just turned around and went to sleep. After I left in the morning, I cut her out. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and she played me. She's gone. The fact is, flirting is fine, a little teasing can be fun, but normal women WOULD NOT go that far. Any woman that does, stay away. The more extreme the flip-flop is, the more psycho she is. Your 50 year old friend is more psycho than my "come sleep over" date. If you're 38 you should have more experience with mind games. Really this is for your own protection. The reason the 50 year old is flipping out is because she isn't interested in you. She just needed to prove that even though she's 50, she's still attractive enough to get a younger guy. As soon as you gave in, her ego was satisfied, you are no longer needed, off you go. You are her temporary ego booster, and nothing more. But she is pretty extreme, because she's pretty high on the psycho scale. Last week I had a 24 year old flake on me. She's someone I know for a bit, went though a lot of life drama, probably feeling down. She called me out of the blue 10:30 at night to hang. I was already out with my friends so I told her to join us.. She showed up full on make-up, and asked me if I thought she looked good. And she did, she lost weight, make-up was well done, etc. So we hung out and I asked her to go out on a date sometime later. She said yes, and then flaked. She said she'll call me back to reschedule. I already know she's not going to. She was just looking for an ego boost, and I gave it to her. Mission accomplished. This is more like the normal ego boost scenario. We were both used, but your situation was way worse than mine.
deux ex machina Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 (edited) ... After all this teasing, I was basically worked into a frenzy, and was pushing for her to make good on all these things she'd set up.... Sometimes I blame myself for getting so infatuated, but do any of you think that it could have just been the result of getting the carrot dangled in front of my face over and over?... Yes, that could have contributed to it. The intensity, randomness, tension...all of it can leave a person on a string. This would have little to do with her objective suitability, or even long-term desirability...but more to do with our own kinks - being human as we are. I'm interested in what she did when she switched on you...when she would reject you -- how exactly did she do it? Physically push you away? Act haunted? The impression I get from this thread is that she states either covertly or overtly that she's been hurt before, ect. -- and that you in turn want to prove to her you're not like that? I could be wrong. Just wondering. I think you should stay away from her completely in any event. Another thing worth mentioning is that I guess I've had really good luck, because I have had little to no experience with head-games, testing, all that immature stuff...Just about all the girls I've dated/had relationships with really *didn't* mess with me like this, so I wasn't ready to spot it (and you know when you're into someone, we tend to rationalize their behaviour while it's happening)... Don't worry about it. I've been through a mindtwister of a relationship with more complexity for a long time that I managed to extricate myself from, and I'm close to your age. I'm learning about this sort of stuff from therapy, reading, and my own life/observations now, though. A lot of us have been at least somewhat lucky in the past, and have to play catch up if we want to understand these sort of things (one of the cool side-effects is we can spot our own stuff, as well). Anyway, no fault in it. Edited May 13, 2010 by deux ex machina
Author Yo-Yo Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 (edited) Deus, you are awesome....Thanks for that post... To answer your question, her way of rejecting the advances, was basically to recoil in a panic... At one point, like I'd said in the OP, she was sleeping over kinda often, and doing things like getting me completely naked, playing with my equip like it was a toy, even actually getting down there, 3" from it, and just kinda sniffing it like a dog (I'm well groomed almost metrosexual style)...Then after a bit more canoodling, I try to touch her boobs, and she covers em with her hands like she's guarding the crown jewels... At that point WTF?! Trying to hold her hand once as we walked to a restaurant, she also went into this "Ohh what's that? Why we have to do that? That for kids"... And to elaborate on that night, that was the night she pounced on me telling me to take her NOW...When I'd first come into her apartment, I went for a kiss and she was like "Ohh that's the law? That's the rule? I have to kiss you when you arrive??"...I brushed it off..."High Five"...Then suddenly she pounced and got way grind-y....Only then to act uncomfortable when I went for it...She had even said that she hated when guys want to have prolonged sex and wanted it to be over fast... As far as me wanting to prove that I was not one of those guys who had and would hurt her, yeah...I was very loving towards her, and tried to rationalize all this weirdness... The switch was present from the beginning...Her setting up romantic settings, putting her face 2 inches from mine, gazing into my eyes....Then recoiling in a panic when I went to kiss her.... But then she'd continue with the romance...She took a lot of little jabs at me throughout things too...She also had a million excuses why not to get inolved in an intimate thing...Trust issues too.... Total weirdness.... Edited May 13, 2010 by Yo-Yo
deux ex machina Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 More issues than National Geographic! Haha. Ohhh, yes. Deus, you are awesome....Thanks for that post... Aw, thanx. You're welcome. You are staying away from her, yes? There is a definite reason posters have responded with a lot of force -- it's pretty alarming to consider how far it went, and the extreme switch. To answer your question, her way of rejecting the advances, was basically to recoil in a panic... At one point, like I'd said in the OP, she was sleeping over kinda often, and doing things like getting me completely naked, playing with my equip like it was a toy, even actually getting down there, 3" from it, and just kinda sniffing it like a dog (I'm well groomed almost metrosexual style)...Then after a bit more canoodling, I try to touch her boobs, and she covers em with her hands like she's guarding the crown jewels... At that point WTF?! So it was provocative, intense, and finally, bewildering. I'm sure those were some factors in getting irrationally sprung. Some people mistake it for infatuation, that she's special, different, oh-so-complex!...even that it's love. I urge you not to do that. Your reaction was to the manipulation. An all too human response. There is nothing special here. It's easy to believe, I guess, that this person has hidden depths - such an elusive goddess, that if I only you could reach what you only caught a glimpse of! But no. That's just not true. Her damage isn't unique, and neither is she. She's one in a billion. McDamage. Stick around long enough in the right places and you'll come to understand there's a billion just like her, boring and banal. The easiest thing in the World to do is be mercenary. It takes strength to know how to love. Love is constant and kind; she's weak and pathetic. Trying to hold her hand once as we walked to a restaurant, she also went into this "Ohh what's that? Why we have to do that? That for kids"... And to elaborate on that night, that was the night she pounced on me telling me to take her NOW...When I'd first come into her apartment, I went for a kiss and she was like "Ohh that's the law? That's the rule? I have to kiss you when you arrive??"...I brushed it off..."High Five"...Then suddenly she pounced and got way grind-y....Only then to act uncomfortable when I went for it...She had even said that she hated when guys want to have prolonged sex and wanted it to be over fast... As far as me wanting to prove that I was not one of those guys who had and would hurt her, yeah...I was very loving towards her, and tried to rationalize all this weirdness... The switch was present from the beginning...Her setting up romantic settings, putting her face 2 inches from mine, gazing into my eyes....Then recoiling in a panic when I went to kiss her.... But then she'd continue with the romance...She took a lot of little jabs at me throughout things too...She also had a million excuses why not to get inolved in an intimate thing...Trust issues too.... Total weirdness.... Reading your posts, I think you are pretty clued-in as to what went down at a visceral level. At least the way I see it, you're right - the seduction was a set-up for what was to come. I'm sure she did get some satisfaction from the attention...totally agree with ft there. Taking it further, I really think her particular ultimate endgame was the indignation, which only "proved" to her what she already "knows". And she'll always "know" it. You will not be able change her beliefs. A word of warning to you: she played this hard. I hope you know that, and can see that everyone's responses in this thread sort of highlight how unusual this thing is. Things could end up very nasty indeed when a person is willing to go this far with it, especially keeping in mind her hateful persecution. I really think you should never see her again, ever. Thank you for responding. It couldn't have been easy, and I appreciate you taking the time. I love the fact that you are looking within, questioning yourself, taking a look at your boundaries, and being introspective, as well. Those skills will serve you well, of that I have no doubt. Hugs.
Twenty-ten Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Regardless of whether this woman is a mental case, and winds guys up for fun or because she also has deep issues she hasn't quite overcome, what is interesting to me about this post is that it solidifies what I already think in terms of sex and love. I am a firm believer that sex was meant to be expressed between two individuals in gradual time and after they have had significant amount of time to really get to know one another emotionally. This is how love is intended to happen, and this is also why so many people in today's dating world (especially the younger ones in their early 20's who have a very different idea about sex and dating) are frustrated, feeling empty and like they simply cannot find love or a meaningful connection. We live in a time where everyone is so quick to reach out for a quick-fix in terms of getting sex very early on and losing patience and interest if it doesn't happen instantly that we don't even give ourselves the sufficient time needed to develop an emotional tie with another human being. Yes, this woman does have issues, but no it is not unheard of that you would actually fall for someone for whom you have spent a lot of time with anticipating sex. It's the way nature intended it.
Author Yo-Yo Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Hey thanks for all your input, folks... I'm in a bit of a rush, but I wanted to quick give some clarification to Twenty Ten about the anticipating sex thing... I actually am looking for a long-term adult relationship. I've been a rockstar throughout my 20's and early 30's, and now have grown to see that random emotionless sex is akin to chewing gum. I'd rather have a substantial meal that nourishes, than chew some gum that loses its flavour quickly and doesn't enrich you at all.... I was absolutely satisfied to just kiss this girl, look into her eyes, bond..... But, when someone you really like starts grinding against you, taking your clothes off, and even handling the man-bits, well....It is just a human reaction to get aroused....I didn't put the sexual moves on her, she did to me. Might sound weird, but it's true. Just because I was just happy enough to be canoodling with her doesn't mean that I wouldnt be down to have sex if she wanted to....And since she got me excited, yeah...I found myself getting a little frustrated when she'd go tempt me and then reject... But as you can see from my OP, the sex part was really the least of many "come here, back off, at the same time" signals I was getting....
Author Yo-Yo Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Deus, you are absolutely amazing how your words really put me feeling much better and clearer about things....Thanks again! Mind if I ask if you're male or female? You don't have to answer, but I am curious...
torranceshipman Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Hey all - thanks for help with my other post.... I'm trying to let it go, but I can't help but think of why I became such a bowl of jelly for this girl....As if I were 9 years old or something.... As I look back, it seems that I did move quite quickly...I fell for her completely....It doesn't happen to me with every girl I'm attracted to, but sometimes it does....And there's one thing in common....Teasing with no end or point..... This past girl i was with, I was cool, calm, and collected at first....We were totally connecting, there was incredible chemistry and all...I tried to kiss her, and was rejected, even though she had lit candles, turned on romantic music, cuddled with me on a mattress, talking and staring into each others' eyes for hours and hours.... Basically, long story short, she was initiating all these things which would LOUDLY suggest that she was into me, and that a kiss would not be the most ludicrous move I could make.... Even after awhile, she was sleeping at my house, getting me naked, and then rejecting me.... Last big headfork was when she jumped on me in severe passion and told me she wanted to have sex right then and there....Then she rejected me when I went for it... I'm 38, and she's 50 (although acts like and associates with kids in their early 20's) After all this teasing, I was basically worked into a frenzy, and was pushing for her to make good on all these things she'd set up.... Sometimes I blame myself for getting so infatuated, but do any of you think that it could have just been the result of getting the carrot dangled in front of my face over and over? Thanks, all... OK so I HATE this phrase and this will probably be the first and last time I ever use it but...this woman is a bonafide pr*cktease. She sounds like a complete weirdo. Move on quick! Normal people do not act like she did.
Twenty-ten Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 But, when someone you really like starts grinding against you, taking your clothes off, and even handling the man-bits, well....It is just a human reaction to get aroused....I didn't put the sexual moves on her, she did to me. Might sound weird, but it's true. Just because I was just happy enough to be canoodling with her doesn't mean that I wouldnt be down to have sex if she wanted to....And since she got me excited, yeah...I found myself getting a little frustrated when she'd go tempt me and then reject... But as you can see from my OP, the sex part was really the least of many "come here, back off, at the same time" signals I was getting.... I understood that completely and perhaps my point was unclear since it was supposed to be "and on a side note to the craziness of this situation/woman" since she is clearly not stable, attraction grows deep when you can't get what you want right away. My observation was in reference to your question in the OP of "do any of you think that it could have just been the result of getting the carrot dangled in front of my face over and over?" And my answer was yes, of course that is why even though the way this woman went about it was demented the basis is still prolonged wait for physical affection and the idea that it could/would happen creates a lot more sexual tension and that is what also creates that falling in love feeling. I was more responding to your question. I apologize if my previous post gave you the impression that I was suggesting what this woman did was normal or even sane. It is not but seeing as you seemed to stick around long enough for her to do this to you several times, I didn't think you needed me to remind you that what she was doing was off. Enough others on here already had pointed that out as well.
spookie Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 you know, at first i was with everyone that this woman is a psycho bitch, but the more you post, the more it sounds like she doesnt mean to be a bitch, she just has serious issues with sex. perhaps she was raped or sexually abused? what she did was not cool, but i would try harder to understand why she did it.
Author Yo-Yo Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Hey Twenty Ten! It's aaaaalll good, my friend totally understood what you meant, but I just wanted to clarify that sex really wasn't on my mind, and wasn't the motivation for my pursuit of her..... As for the raped/abused thing....It could have happened, but I'll never know because she didn't allow realness to occur between us, only games and contempt.... I tend to think it's more about boosting her ego, letting her know that at 50 she can still get young guys....She dresses in short shorts and Uggs, and generally shows off her body....Also, her mental/emotional level is extremely immature, so she seems to even relate to them on a general social level... She's not frigid, I know that she's gotten down with a mutual friend of ours, jumped on him twice and followed through.... The bottom line is that if it was some abuse, she decided to soothe her own pain at the expense of my heart and brain getting smashed....Not too cool and not too mature.... She had told me about some stuff in her past that had made her so pensive, but to be honest, it really wasn't anything more than getting cheated on by an ex husband and some boyfriends....She might have even said it as another way to rope my heart in, and get me even more emotionally involved and empathic....So she could control me even more.. The way she set things up, it seemed like I am the one who did the screwing up, and I am rather quick to blame myself for things, even when I wasn't at fault (personality flaw I guess)...So I've been beating myself over the head, even with all the details I've written about here...I was still blaming myself for it all... As I listen to all of your feedback, I'm getting really clear. Thank you all for your input. Thanks to all your words, I'm finally getting rid of the remnants that are still bugging me about this all.... I wish I could buy you all a round of Guinness
deux ex machina Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Deus, you are absolutely amazing how your words really put me feeling much better and clearer about things....Thanks again! Mind if I ask if you're male or female? You don't have to answer, but I am curious... I'm female. Not a problem, you're welcome. Thank you. I know what it is like to wonder at why things happened as they did, over and over - to have those tortuous, nagging questions that seem to need at least some sort of answer...so one can put it to bed at last. When a person can be so cruel, it is just baffling as to why we would even care to be around a person that could treat us so badly. It can be crippling to our self-esteem, for one thing...so it is a huge relief when we are able to fit the seemingly incomprehensible into the larger narrative, and with time and distance, gradually come to feel we can trust ourselves and our perceptions again. We can even be a lot wiser, make healthier choices, and be better, more empathic people for the experience -- if we choose to be. Glad I helped a little, so hopefully you can more easily detach, and look forward to better things.
Author Yo-Yo Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 (edited) Oh yeah, Spooky, her freaky rejections wasn't about strictly sex....It was any kind of initiation from me...She had no prob to make advances on me - cuddling, sleeping with me, getting me naked....But anything, even a kiss (for the first 4-5 dates), handholding, a "peck" upon arrival to pick her up for a date...Anything that I initiated, and she would reject... Plus, all the while, even from the very beginning, at the same time as she was setting up all this romance, and us bonding for 8-10-12 hours at a go about really deep stuff, she was taking pot-shots at me....I'll spare the examples, but she'd say destructive and kinda hurtful little things that nobody needs to hear.... Deux - you're an amazing communicator, and I like how you think! Edited May 14, 2010 by Yo-Yo
Author Yo-Yo Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 Daaamn, just when all your replies had helped so much and I was almost over her, when I found out that the guy who introduced us (hulking dreadlock yoga god) went to Bali with her.... The whole time we were dating, she very obviously had a "groupie to rockstar" type of relationship with him..Always talking about how wonderful he was, but denying that there was something intimate (although they had fooled around a few times)...I could tell ya stories, but I have told enough of em.... Sad that I had considered this guy to be a friend, but there were so many little lies he told regarding his relationship with her...(He's a bad liar) When I found out about this Bali trip, suddenly I got REALLY bothered by it.....For some reason, my friend hadn't mentioned that he had a ticket and was going until the day before he left.... I don't know why I'm so jealous and bothered by this.... Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh
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