Feel like I'm Losing my Mind

[Indypendence]

I found out on the 15th of April that my husband has been seeing a woman from work from what he says on and off since December 2008. He has added it up in his cheater math and come up with 11 months total. He says he never had sex with her; that he just masturbated with her. That she would expose herself to him. He also said that they had great dialogue with one another.

 

The way I found out is I checked my messages one morning and one of the messages was him with the other woman the night before; when he told me that he was going to watch the game. He asked me to go; but I said no thank-you; since, I was already in bed. He then calls her and obviously she said yes.

 

Anyhoo. I am listening to my voice mail and I hear a man and a woman; but; I thought it was my girlfriend who had called me inadvertently. Then I hear the woman say my husbands name. I continue listening and I hear him call her baby. I hear him say you don't have to look at it. Touch it. I hear her talking about how good he had been by not whipping it out. I then hear him masterbating and saying how he wishes he was on top of her and she had her legs wrapped around his back.

 

I couldn't control myself. I called him and asked him where the hell was he last night and who was he with. I then hung up and forwarded him the message. He calls saying he's coming home. I tell him to stay where he is; do not come here where I am. He swears they didn't have sex. He swears he loves me. Wants to go to counseling. Answers all my questions.

 

He told me that they went out about 12 times over this time. I really hate him right now and wish I didn't know. It hurts me so bad to know that he has been doing this for so long and I had no clue. I love him and I knew everything wasn't great in our marriage; but I didn't know that it was this bad.

 

I just cry all the freaking time and I'm now a weak type woman and this victim crap ain't for me. I don't want my marriage to be over; but isn't it already. Is there anything to save. I say if you could be out with another woman and text her over 1,000 times in a month then you have to have some type feelings for her. If you could have a total of 1150 minutes talk time and 670 of those minutes were spent on the phone with this other woman then what the heck are you still staying here looking at me, telling me you love me and you are sorry. Sorry for what?????? That you got caught? You Bastard!

 

It kills me to think that my husband has been deceiving me all this time. It hurts way down deep inside and I don't know if I can forgive him and move on. Everytime, I think about it I just want to punch his behind in the face.

 

 

 

Over the past few weeks, I have had my ups and downs. Crying wondering why. Looking at myself to see what is wrong with me

[how2forgive&2forget]

Find yourself a therapist to cope with the overwhelming emotions.

 

Contact an attorney to know your rights.

 

Find someone to lean on during this time - family, friends.

 

And stay here on LS, you will get good advice here from people who've been through similar situations and survived.

 

 

(((hugs))))

[2sure]

You dont have to get a divorce.

Your marriage , and you - may be able to recover from this and move onto a better, improved relationship.

Thats the truth.

 

So, right now while you are going out of your mind with grief, anxiety and anger - make no decisions at all. Just keep breathing.

 

Then: You cannot move forward from a betrayal unless you and H have all the cards on the table. The real ones. Getting the truth from a cheater is excruciating and difficult - FOR YOU BOTH. But getting the truth does a lot more for reconciliation than just making you stop wondering:

 

It shows you he has the ability to tell the truth.

It makes you an active participant on what has been going on in YOUR LIFE.

It allows you both to move forward based on reality.

 

Your H has not yet come clean. He is afraid. He does not realize that there are many betrayals in infidelity and that having actual sex is a lesser one. He is telling you they only masturbated because thats the message you heard. Its not a coincidence.

 

Keep reading here, and follow your instinct as well as the advice of those who have walked thru the fire.

[PhoenixRise]

I know you feel like you are going crazy.

 

This is a crazy making situation you are going through.

 

You need to know that what you are feeling right now is completely normal. Every spouse who deeply loved their WS feels like they are going crazy when they discover the affair because NOW you have to question EVERYTHING you ever thought was real.

 

You are normal. You are not crazy.

 

You don't have to decide anything right now. You don't have to decide if you can forgive him or not. You don't have to decide if you want a divorce or not. Not right now anyway.

 

In fact, I would say avoid making any major decisions right now. You just found out this devastating news. You need time to digest it.

 

Besides apologizing what has your H done to show you that he is willing to do the work to be a better man? Is he in IC?

 

You might want to consider IC for yourself too, to help you work through all your emotions. Do you have support from family and friends? If you haven't told anybody what you are going through please confide in somebody you can trust to have your best interest at heart. Don't try to go through this alone.

[jmargel]

Indy,

 

First.. There is nothing wrong with you. This isn't about you or your marriage. It is about him and his immaturity, his selfishness and his disrespect.

 

He just masterbated? First off, what does your gut instinct tell you? Second, even if he only did this (honestly I believe he did more) it is still sex. Third, even if he didn't do any masturbation he still cheated emotionally.

 

Remember you only know what YOU found out. If it wasn't for that voicemail you still would be unaware. Don't accept his answers as truth. He is going to try to minimize the damage as much as possible. You also have to get yourself checked for STDs. How many other women did he cheat with? Remember you only caught him this time. There could be others.

 

Look up the 5 stages of grief, it's something you will be going through. I suggest counseling, I've gone and it's a stress reliever. I went when my wife was messing around behind my back.

 

When it happened to me, the foundation of the marriage was destroyed. We are still together but it's like watching a sick animal that you can't do anything for. I realized that in my situation that she didn't do these things because of me, but because of her own personality faults. Even if we were the perfect 1950s TV spouse, they would still cheat.

 

Their happiness shouldn't rest on our shoulders and we should not tolerate and accept their disrespect.

 

It's time to start making goals for yourself. Accomplish them and start concentrating on you.

 

I still believe there are alot more that you don't know yet. I'm sorry you are going through this, you do not deserve it. Nobody does.

 

*hugs*

[Indypendence]

We went to our first counseling session last week together. I feel too embarrassed to tell anyone what is going on.

 

He apologizes and says that I can have all his email passwords, have his phone, etc. I have never been that type of woman, and I don't want to be that type woman now. Always checking and all that.

 

We have four kids that we do so much with. I don't see why he would do this to me. I love my husband and my family. I feel so hurt. I feel so very hurt. I trusted him so much.

 

We went and got tested for STDs the day after I found out. He called his mom crying saying that my wife is leaving me please talk to her.

 

This is so far out of character for him. I just can't believe this.

[Snowflower]

 

We went and got tested for STDs the day after I found out. He called his mom crying saying that my wife is leaving me please talk to her.

 

This is so far out of character for him. I just can't believe this.

 

 

Okay, I have some questions for you; please don't think I'm being rude, I'm just trying to understand.

 

Why did you and he get tested for STDs if there was no sex? I mean, it's a very good idea...protect your own health most definitely but if there was no 'contact' then why?

 

Did he tell his mother why you were leaving him? Did he tell his mother about the affair?

 

As for the 'out of character' part. I know many BS (betrayed spouses) believe this...that it was completely out of character for their cheating spouses to do what they did.

 

Think about it...was there never any sign that you husband was capable of this? I will bet eventually you will remember some 'clues.'

 

I thought this about my husband, as well. It seemed completely out of character for him...he was always so trustworthy and dependable. He kept his word and expected others to do the same. He was the last person I would have expected to have an affair.

 

But afterward, I looked back and saw some things differently about him...I guess it's inevitable to do this as a BS. Obviously, it was in his character to be unfaithful because he did it.

 

For example, my husband was a conflict-avoider, he was always looking for the next fun/new thing, he was restless, etc. While I knew about most of these traits pre-affair, I never guessed that these traits would end up making him capable of an eventual affair.

 

Now, I know better and more importantly, so does my husband. He has worked very hard on himself to understand what he did and why. It made him a better person, I think.

 

Seeing these changes for myself was the only way I could reconcile with my husband.

 

What do YOU think, indypendence?

[Indypendence]

I insisted on being tested because I didn't believe him and I wanted to make him feel worse that we had to be up here in this freaking dr's office being tested for STDs because your a$$ don't know how to open up your mouth and talk.

 

He told his mother everything and I think she is more upset than I am (not really) his father did the same to her and she hasn't gotten over it in 40 years. Now she's coming here this weekend, I love her, but I'm not in the mood. I get along with her very well and she has been a mother figure for me since we met.

 

I have not been the perfect wife, but Ihaven't cheated on my husband, physically or emotionally. I have been distant, having had a drug addict mother and absentee father and being picked on growing up for being a foster kid has made me rather standoffish. He was the only person I really trusted.

 

I feel so freaking hurt and disgusted by this. I don't even think I'm mad anymore. I just want to get naked and run down the street screaming until I feel better.

 

I want a divorce every other day. I hate being on this emotional roller coaster ride. I am being a terrible mom to my kids because I just don't want to be bothered.

 

I think that I'm going crazy is what I think Snowflower

[sruben]

jmargel,

 

Have you told your story here? Can you point me to it?

 

Thanks.

[Indypendence]

I failed to mention that my husbands affair was with a woman from his job. (What's up with all these women at work?)

 

Today, I went up to his job with the intention of flattening all of his freaking tires. But, I took a knife that broke. I have never been like this. But, I want him to hurt like I am. I want him and her to hurt. It took every inch of my control not to go in that office bldg and demand that this witch of a woman and my cheating husband come out in the open so all could see what pieces of sh** they work with.

 

I am in serious need of a moment away from everyone.

[Indypendence]

I just spoke with the OW on the phone. She called me just now and said that my husband loves me and that all they did together was masturbate. What a trip this bull is. My head is about to explode.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I just spoke with the OW on the phone. She called me just now and said that my husband loves me and that all they did together was masturbate. What a trip this bull is. My head is about to explode.

 

Wow... Just, wow.

I'm at a loss for words right now. The audacity of cheaters and there affair partners is flooring.

 

I'm not one to advocate divorce, espcecially when children are involved, but good lord. But for that voice message, your H and his OW would STILL be underground with this affair.

 

I agree with you when you say you need to go some place and think.

You're certainly in a crazy making situation.

[KikiW]

Indy, from what I read you have always been reserved in your feelings due to your childhood. And this trauma (because it is a trauma) is causing you to feel like you are about to lose your mind - if I may take a stab at amateur psychology, this is causing you to feel emotions you never expected to feel. No certainly no one expects to feel hurt and betrayal, but this is on a level you never expected emotions to go and you don't know how to handle them. You are shutting down and crawling into a mental box to hide, but even you recognize that doing that will hurt your children.

 

Keep your children in mind. Every time you feel like losing your mind, because sometimes it's so damn tempting, think of your kids. They will help keep you on track and keep you focused.

 

Do you have friends or family that can help you by babysitting them for a bit? His mother sounds like she is a support to you. Ask her to watch the kids for a bit so you can take a long walk, or whatever.

 

And get your own personal counselor. Someone who listens only to YOU. Marriage counseling is good, but you need someone just for you.

 

And keep talking. But be warned... if you talk to close friends, they will likely turn on him and be supportive of you. If you then decide to work it out with him, they may not be able to turn off the negative feelings that easily, or think you are a sucker for going back and you may end up losing them in the long run. That's why having your own counselor is ideal.

[Cinnamon2000]

I just spoke with the OW on the phone. She called me just now and said that my husband loves me and that all they did together was masturbate. What a trip this bull is. My head is about to explode.

 

It's obvious that they continued to talk and come up with a common plan to continue to deceive and make a fool out of you.

 

You need to expose it to his and her boss. They need to be embarrassed about what they did.

[Indypendence]

I'm going to this marriage counseling session tonight. However, I really don't want to go. I just still feel like slapping the sh** out of him and her.

 

Mr. Pretend, didn't tell her to call me, she actually was responding to this message that I left her two weeks ago. I wanted to hear from the heifers mouth what happened and how it happened from her point of view.

 

I am just so over this, in so many ways. I am tiredof being pissed it is tiring and I've lost weight, I can't sleep, I started smoking cigarettes. uhhhhhhh. This is so much bull.

[2sure]

I did all the same things intitially as far as the going nuts, wanting to physically hurt people, etc.

 

It might help you not feel sooo nuts to recognize something:

 

You are PISSED. Rightously so. You have been violated. And I know it feels physical. The obvious reaction to that is DEFENSE.

 

So, that might help explain , at least to yourself, your feelings of wanting to slap people. With that explanation and recognition maybe you can talk yourself down to something rational, sane, and legal.

 

Another point: That anger? Its an energy way more powerful than pain. Do something with that.

[Indypendence]

I am going to get over it and I'm going to get over it quick. I don't have any tolerance for any more of this.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

INDY, So sorry for your pain...your story is very hard to read, and so is the pain you are going through..I can't even imagine how you feel. I went through the same stuff with my lying H I wanted to beat the **** out of anyone..and I am not a violent person. Sounds like you need time to yourself and I would for sure expose them at work..they don't need to be working together. I know you don't want to hear suggestions but try focusing your anger towards something else..I found I can do so many productive things in very little time when I'm angry. I will pray for you and I hope you know we are all here to listen.

[stillafool]

But, I want him to hurt like I am.

 

That's easy. Leave him.

[jnj express]

Hey Indy---do what you gotta do, as long as there is no violence----remember you DO have 4 kids, that need to be taken care of, and you can't take care of them if you do something that gets you in trouble.

 

Your H. is as dumb as they get, all of a sudden he has awaken in real time---so play reality with him. Set your boundaries, give him deal breaker consequences and see where it all goes.

 

If it doesn't work out, so be it---you will move on. No matter what, this whole thing gets PLAYED OUT BY YOUR RULES. Your H. does not get to complain, balk, or anything else---If he doesn't like it---tell him D, is on the table.

 

Just remember you need to take care of yourself, and you have 4 kids that are YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD THAT NEED AND DEPEND ON YOU.

[stillafool]

OP I am so sorry for you. I would be destroyed hearing that. I can't believe 1,000 emails in a month. I don't think I could put it behind me but you have 4 children and I know it's hard. I just wish the best for you.

[Indypendence]

What do you all talk about in marriage couseling? We aren't talking about this issue much at all. We are doing mirroring back exercises. I need some couseling on settling my mind.

[Indypendence]

That's easy. Leave him.

 

Then I wind up hurting my kids too. This is such bull!!!!!!!

[PhoenixRise]

Indy

 

I get having to balance what you think you need for yourself with what you think is in the best interest of your children.

 

There are no easy answers and no matter what you do there will be pain. But you can and will move pass this.

 

If you and your H successfully reconcile you will have a long hard road to rebuild your relationship and it does seem that the BS ends up doing a lot of the emotional heavy lifting (at first at least). You children will be affected by the stress and tension in the household.

 

If you and your H divorce you will have a long hard road mourning the end of the marriage, and rebuilding your life as a single mother. The children will be affected by the dissolution of the family they have always known and by the stress and tension this generates.

 

The whole situation just sucks.

 

Regarding your MC...is your MC experienced in dealing with infidelity? Tell the MC what you need and how you feel. OR maybe you need to find a different MC who is a better fit for you. Whatever you do, don't continue to go if the MC is not responsive to your needs and not addressing the issues you need to have addressed.