lisal0u Posted April 30, 2010 Posted April 30, 2010 Hi, A quick history: boyfriend of 14 years out of the blue dumps me after spending a year and a half renovating our first house! I move in with my dad for financial reasons. 2 months later announces he's now dating the friend that was only ever a friend (yeah right)! I get angry and kick him out of the house! He's now living with his sister but is getting his own place in a week! Out of guilt he's agreed to pay half the mortgage till November when I'll be able to pay for it on my own! So yesterday he's at my house when I get home from work doing work (all his work stuff is still here)! I'm actually feeling loads better since moving back into my house! We have a bit of a chat and he starts to get all emotional and cries, I asked him why he was crying and he just said it's really really sad!!!!! I actuly hold it together! Today I knew he was coming back to the house to work but thought I'd be gone before he arrived but I wasn't! He said hello and asked how I was then his eyes welled up and he walked off. I just carry on getting ready for work! He asks me to stay for a little while so we chatted over a cup of tea! He seemed really down! I head off for work. Get home from work and he's still here! Seems even more down and proceeds to cry again! I asked him what was wrong but he just said nothing. I have no idea what's going on with him, why is he so upset?! He dumped me then shacked up with someone else! Surely he should be happy?! The more I see him the less and less I get phased by him! I wonder if this is what is upsetting him?! It's been 3 months now and they have been the worst of my life but finally I'm starting to feel a bit better! I've got my house back, might have a lodger and I'm applying for a better job at work! I've finally found the strength to pick myself up and start again! I never imagined even last week I could feel like this! I hope it lasts! This is a fantastic site, I thank you all
Chochobong Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Possible regret of breaking up with you and/or see you moving on and unphased by him. Keep it, you're doing great!
Chochobong Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 Also this could be delayed grieving on his part over the loss of the relationship. He had another woman distracting him, and the newness/honeymoon stage probably just ended between them.
Author lisal0u Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 Hi Chochobong, I was wondering also if the new relationship he's in isn't as great as he thought! The long distance will make it hard too, they live 5 hours apart! I thnk this weekend is the first where he's had nothing to do so plenty of thinking time I guess! It's about time he felt bad about what he's done! I would love to know what's going on in his head!
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 The reality of the train wreck he's been just hit a brick building. He traded you for lust. Remember that everytime you look at his big crocodile tears.
hopesndreams Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Do not get sidetracked. Those tears can sure jerk on the old heart strings, that's for sure. But, remember, unless he says with conviction what a sad, pathetic, loser cheater he became and wants/needs to be the better man, those tears are meaningless. He cries because you are proving yourself to be a person, without him. His ego doesn't like it. Also, his deceptions you did not fall for. In the beginning, you did, because how in the world could he have any romantic dealings with anyone besides you? Right? His plan, of leaving you, being your friend and then having his MOW, leave her husband, without anyone pointing fingers at either of them, has went up in smoke! He wanted that house for her and him. You have taken it away from him. Of course he's gonna cry about it and by doing so, gets your sympathy because he figures you are not bright enough to know that his tears are for him only, the loss of his house and the loss of his friend, you, that he threw away like garbage.
Fouts Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 I was wondering also if the new relationship he's in isn't as great as he thought! He cries because you are proving yourself to be a person, without him. His ego doesn't like it. This sums it up pretty well Lisa. Even though you've spent your life with this man, you finally discovered his true character. Be thankful for that.
LisaUk Posted May 2, 2010 Posted May 2, 2010 Hi Lisa So moving between your threads and joining up the dots do I have this right? You are keeping the house, since telling him this is MOW has dumped him and now he's all teary eyed? So, the MOW wanted him for the house! I'm glad you are doing better and I am so pleased to hear you are keeping your home. I lost everything when my ex left, my home, my furniture, most of my possessions (no where to store them) and I had to move 200 miles away from my friends and my home to move back in with my emotional abusive mother. I had (and still have) no job, so I used some of the money I got out the house to go back to uni. I am just so pleased to hear you get to keep your home, it must be a huge relief for you? What ever happens with Stuart, get his name off that house and keep it off. I think he is starting the process of trying to get back in with you? Reality of what he has lost. If he does, please think long and hard about it, remember what he has done to you and what you have had to endure.
Author lisal0u Posted May 2, 2010 Author Posted May 2, 2010 (edited) Hi Everyone, Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and reply! This forum really has been a life saver for me! You Go Girl - You are so right! Reality has slapped him hard in the face this weekend! He even said to me that by seeing her every weekend he has been distracting himself from whats being going on! Its now his turn to feel some of what I have had to deal with this last 3 months! Even after all he has done I still wouldn't wish that suffering on him or anyone! hopesndreams - I love your signature! It is very true! I hope he does realise what he has thrown away! Fouts - Yes I really do see him for who he is now! Its been a very harsh life lesson but a necessary one I think! It can only make me stronger and I also know what I want out of a partner in the future! I'm also not going to settle for less than what I want and deserve! Lisa - Yes I am keeping the house I have a lodger lined up and there is a better job at work that has just become vacant! I will have to struggle for a few years but I really dont care! I do wonder if she wanted him for the house and for other things! He did all sorts of DIY for her while they were together! It does seem that this split has come from her too as he said she kept picking fights with him over every little thing! Im so sorry that you had to lose everything, its not fair at all! I wish I could do something to help! If I win the lottery I will buy you your own lovely house I really don't think he will try to get back with me, too much damage has been done that cannot be fixed! I am not prepared to have him do this to me all over again and I don't see how that broken trust could ever be repaired! How are you doing? How is the revision going, I hope you are doing something fun with the Bank Holiday! Edited May 2, 2010 by lisal0u
LisaUk Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Hi Lisa I'm so happy to hear that you are pulling yourself up from all this. I have to say you sound so strong, I wish i could be as strong as you, it's only bee three months for you and you sound so much further along then me, how are you doing it? Please share! LOL Anyway, I am glad you are! I did lose a lot, but I got to keep my cat! :-) Revision is slow, thanks for asking, first exam on Friday so no bank holiday for me but I will be done in 27 days then I am hoping to go off somewhere hot, sunny with a pool and cocktails! I hope your bank holiday was enjoyable?
hopesndreams Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Hi Lisa I'm so happy to hear that you are pulling yourself up from all this. I have to say you sound so strong, I wish i could be as strong as you, it's only bee three months for you and you sound so much further along then me, how are you doing it? Please share! LOL Anyway, I am glad you are! I did lose a lot, but I got to keep my cat! :-) Revision is slow, thanks for asking, first exam on Friday so no bank holiday for me but I will be done in 27 days then I am hoping to go off somewhere hot, sunny with a pool and cocktails! I hope your bank holiday was enjoyable? How very true this is. You are like a rubber ball and are bouncing back and have done so in less time than most. Commendable. Your lover, best friend, companion has done the unthinkable. You were in shock and disbelief and sad beyond words. You have pulled yourself up and your eyes are open. And, you get to keep the house. Keep watching your back and keep him at a distance. All that you have accomplished can be taken away so easily if you get suckered in to his charms which are really his manipulations and deceptions. Always remember the heartbreak he put you through. Never forget. Always put yourself first.
Author lisal0u Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Hi Lisa - I don't know that I am any further along, this could all be a bitof a high from moving back into my house and finding out he's been dumped! Ive still got lots of healing to do. Just hope the awfull down days are going to be few and far between now! You underestimate yourself Lisa! You are really strong! You are coping with all of what has gone on, having to live with your parents and completing a law degree! I am so sure that once you graduate and get a job so that you can get a place of your own you will feel a million times better! Being back in my house has been the trigger for me feeling better! Ooo Ill keep everything crossed for you on Friday! You will definately deserve a holiday after all that hard work! I had a good bank holiday thanks, visited my sister and went to a christening on Sunday. Then had a lazy day on Monday. hopesndreams - Thank you, I do feel like Im finally bouncing back and I feel like me again! Im going back out jogging again tomorrow! DOnt want to pile weight back on now Im feeling better! I will never forget what he has done and the heartache he has caused! I have never felt worse in my whole life and I will not let him do that to me again! It'll be interesting to see what he does next! xx
LisaUk Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Hi Lisa, So pleased to hear you feeling better, I know your right I am sure once I get my independance back things will improve for me too. I'm so happy to hear you talking about how you realise he has traeted you badly and getting out jogging doing things for yourself. On eday he will realise just what he threw away, a wonderful, strong, independat women who love him, cared for him and was faithful to him always. FOOL. You deserve better, when your ready you will find it.
Author lisal0u Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 Hiya, how's everyone doing? Had a strange conversation with the ex last night! I text him to say he'd had a work delivery. Ended up in a bit of a conversation! He told me he was really mixedup about me about him and Lindsay and he doesn't know anything anymore! He said he wished he could rewind or fast forward a year! I think he might be starting to regret things so I asked him! He said he didn't want to get into that right now and he needs to sort his head out! I not really sure what to make of that conversation!! I still really miss him but I'm also doing great on my own at the minute! In a way I'm glad he's feeling like he is! He's getting a taste of what I've had to deal with! He's coming this weekend to pack his stuff! That's going to be weird! Think I'll make myself scarce! Night out with the girls this weekend! Maybe I'll meetthe man of my dreams
LisaUk Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 It's starting Lisa, he's beginning to worm his way back in and he's being sneaky in the process! Rather than just come out and say he made a terrible mistake, he's draging it out so he can twist it long enough and well enough that by the time he says lets try again, you are back on board. Use the time to really consider whether you could have a relationship with him knowing what he is now. It must be so tempting to take him back and such a relief, I know I would have had my ex back right up until Christmas time last year, in a flash. Now, (not that he's asking) but I would have to consider it long and hard, I'd like to think I would say no.
Author lisal0u Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 (edited) Hi, lisa - I really don't know what's going on! I don't think he is trying to come back! Wouldn't he just say if he wanted too? I think he might just miss the company. He came on Saturday and packed up all his stuff! It's weird seeing it all in boxes! He gets his flat on Wednesday so it should all be gone then! He went out with a friend on Saturday night and sent me a text at 1:30am, it wasn't really anything just saying it had been a crap night! I was asleep so didn't reply! I was at work yesterday and he asked if he could come to the house and then when I got back we could go to my friends birthday tea! When I got back we just chatted and then went to our friends! It was a bit weird cos it was just like normal! Apparently his friend has told him that by still hanging out together we are basically still being a couple without being intimate or living together! He said when one of us gets someone else it will be like splitting up again! I don't really know what to do for the best! It's really hard to cut him out of my life and I don't really want to! I'm probably being really stupid! I'm still ok just a bit confused! Also if he did want to come back what would I do? What would I do if he got back with the other woman?! I've got a headache! How did the exam go lisa? X Edited May 10, 2010 by lisal0u
LisaUk Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Hi Lisa, Sorry I haven't been around, another exam today, both went OK I think, todays much better than I expected generally. No, he wouldn't just come out and say it, he has to work on you first and there is pride involved. Try and view it from his perspective, he knows he treated you like rubblish, cheated and ripped your heart out after 14 years, if you had done that and wanted back what would you do? I know its difficult to see it from his perspective as first you love him and second you would never have treated him that way, but just try and think about it and you will see what he is up to. He's working on you until he KNOWS you will take him back and he can save face and do it with the minimal amount of humiliation. ALternatively he could be using you as a back up plan, keep you friendly and on a string, see what happens for a while, maybe see if he likes being single or dates etc. Only you know for sure you know him better than anyone, but when you think about it remember the side of him you saw this last 3 months as well as the side you saw for 14 years, b/c BOTH sides ARE him. Should you take him back? Only you can decide that, how do you feel about him, would you be able to trust him, could you forgive him, have you seen any REAL change in him or remorse for what he did to you? WOuld he go to relate with you? Lots to consider. Hugs Lisa x
Author lisal0u Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Hi Lisa, Sorry I haven't been around, another exam today, both went OK I think, todays much better than I expected generally. Thats excellent news Lisa! Im so glad its going well! How many more to go? No, he wouldn't just come out and say it, he has to work on you first and there is pride involved. Try and view it from his perspective, he knows he treated you like rubblish, cheated and ripped your heart out after 14 years, if you had done that and wanted back what would you do? I know its difficult to see it from his perspective as first you love him and second you would never have treated him that way, but just try and think about it and you will see what he is up to. He's working on you until he KNOWS you will take him back and he can save face and do it with the minimal amount of humiliation. ALternatively he could be using you as a back up plan, keep you friendly and on a string, see what happens for a while, maybe see if he likes being single or dates etc. Only you know for sure you know him better than anyone, but when you think about it remember the side of him you saw this last 3 months as well as the side you saw for 14 years, b/c BOTH sides ARE him. I think both of these are a possibility! Should you take him back? Only you can decide that, how do you feel about him, would you be able to trust him, could you forgive him, have you seen any REAL change in him or remorse for what he did to you? WOuld he go to relate with you? Lots to consider. I really dont know :-( I miss him but I dont know if it came to it I could forgive him. I do miss him an awful lot but Im also doing ok on my own. It would be nice to have him as a friend even after what has gone, that probably makes me insane! Hugs Lisa x He moved all his stuff out today and I gave him a hand and had a look at his new place, its really not that nice. It made me feel sad, my friend shouted at me today for caring but I cant help it. I just keep thinking that it will be hard to avoid him because of our close social group and I dont want to be excluded because he is going to be there. So is it easier to be friends not hoping for anything more?! I hope youre doing ok Lisa! I keep sending ou positive thoughts for your exams xx
hurtandheartbroken Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Your posts make me giggle lisa because you use "!" so often like a good friend of mine. I'm sorry this happened. I always say after a certain time period, unless both people have an understanding of no marriage, a guy not giving that form of commitment (14 YEARS) is a red flag. He chose to lie about who his "friend" is, he chose to end a 14 year relationship to graze in new grasses and now he sees it isn't as sweet. You have compassion for who he was to you when seeing his place and being sad, but beyond that, you owe him nothing else. You don't owe him friendship and it may make things worse. It's up to you how you feel about it but I couldn't grace my ex with my friendship when he betrayed me in such a manner. A mutual break up? Sure. This? No. He's seeing you're doing well, he's looking and remembering how flavorful your grass was and is realizing what a bad decision he made. 14 years is a long time and while you had ups and downs, it worked for that long for a reason. He probably bypassed the 7 year itch and went double hard with it. Stand your ground. If he wants you back and you decide you would take him back, he has to EARN it. It's easy to want to give in to the familiar but look at what he did. As for the mutual friends, you can be pleasant upon seeing him, "Hello" etc, go about your business after a greeting, perhaps small talk, doesn't mean the conversations have to be drawn out heart to hearts. Good luck.
LisaUk Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Hi Lisa, I saw your other thread aswell but thought I would reply here. Thanks for the positive thoughts for my exams! I have 5 moe to go, two next week and three the week after, this GDL is BRUTAL! LOL Friends? Well, complicated. I have to agree with a lot of what hurtandheartbroken has said. This wasn't a mutual realtionship breakdown where you saw it disintergrating before your eyes and any unhappiness on his part was expressed to you with the chance to work to resolve first. Just like me you were kept hanging around for many many years with no commitment in the form of marriage and yes, hurtandheartbroken you are right it is a red flag, mine was 18 years, with an 8 year engaement and 10 years living togther. When we (finally) set the date and booked the chruch, he took off two weeks later! I do think your ex Lisa just like mine has commitment issues, b/c like hurtand heartbroken said, it doesn't wrok for 14 years without good reason. I would have liked to have stayed friends with my ex but he made that impossible, cut all contact with me and it pains me so much that he did that, 18 years and not even a Christmas card, he treats me like I did something terrible to him, yet could not give me any reason for leaving! I agree with H&D on your other thread, IF you want the possibility of him comingback you need to let him know what it will feel like with you gone, but then there is the risk that you will lose his friendship further down the line possibly, maybe not you can always be friendly with him later, civil for now so he gets a taste of what life is like without you. I can't advise you on whether you should give him another chance or not, that is something only you can decide. Hugs x
burningheart Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Wow, What a great post! Your a true example of what a strong women is, you value your dignity and self respect !......I think alot of women should read this......(you definitely have a standing ovation from me)
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