1st conversation with ex, not what I had expected.

[wingman2]

Well I finally managed to talk to my ex after putting her off for over a week and dealing with her impatience and eagerness to talk with me. I had the feeling this was my big break and my chance to turn things around and get her back. Unfortunatly I'm stuck here feeling miserable because what I thought would be the first big step towards reconciliation turned out to be a big step backwards, least that's how it feels.

 

The conversation lasted longer. Lasted an hour actually which is half hour more than what I had wanted. It turned out this way due to the fact the conversation seemed so dull. It was really unlike what I had expected but part of me feels that it felt that way because we were both really nervous and of coarse how else is one going to feel the first time talking to his ex whom he still has feelings for and who turned her back on him? So I would imagine it would feel awkward in the beginning but we were both calm, cool, and collected and I allowed her to direct the conversation but she made no mention of the breakup, she only asked how I've been doing and coping with myself and we just caught up with eachother. She did say however that she felt she would be the one blocking me out easier than me and was surprised how I was able to block her out. She did ask if I was dating someone and felt nervous about asking and said it's probably none of her business. Could that be a sign?

 

I tried my best to make it interesting, I did manage to make her laugh a few times but overall the conversation was not what I had expected but then again I didn't know what to expect. I just know that prior to talking she was so impatient and eager to speak with me and even one week ago she told me that she's been thinking about me a lot and wanted to know if I was too cause not talking was bugging her. She even said she missed me incredibly much but I feel like she had expected it to feel like old times too. But perhaps it always feels this way the first time talking. I just hope I hadn't blown it since everything was going so well before talking. I apologize to everyone who suggested I do strict NC and perhaps I should start doing that now and maybe perhaps there's still hope.

 

I just feel like pouring my heart out to her. Just because it felt different doesn't mean I'm going to look at her as a different person because I've been with her for 3 and half years so I doubt she could have just changed so quick. Although she does feel different I know her real character. I just feel like giving myself an extra week then write her a letter of how I really feel, expressing my feelings and identify the aspects that caused the breakup and let her know I'm willing to take things slow and have something with her again but a better and improved relationship. If she still loves me and misses me incredibly I don't see how she can refuse or at least consider it. Ill give myself some more time and see what happens now and also to think about whether telling her how I feel would be the right thing to do.

 

I hope she still thinks our relationship was wonderful and that I still have everything she wants inside and outside because I did treat her like a princess and she was a huge part of my life. We even planned on getting married.

 

I would appreciate any advice I can get regarding what I should do now, whether or not expressing my feelings to her would be a good idea, and if the first conversation is typical to feel different and unfamiliar so those of you who have spoken to their ex's again tell me how the conversation went and how it felt.

 

In the end I told her we should talk again sometime with which she responded "maybe occassionally" maybe occassionally!? What's that supposed to mean? Hope I didn't mess up.

[EthanH]

I have to say, I get a negative vibe from your post. I think, the main thing I got from this was that you are too intense about things, I know it is easy to be that way, but you have to be aware of it, and you have to try and cool things. The main thing was that you said over and over how you wanted the conversation to go well... have you ever thought that part of the reason you think it was awkward was that you were very very very tense about it and she picked up on it? I mean, she knows you well enough to know when you are acting normally. It just seems too intense.

 

the way you talk is so similar to how i have been talking...telling her how you 'really' feel... do you honestly, honestly think she doesn't know? Do you honestly feel that one more emotion-filled letter is going to convince her? To me, it just screams the thing which I have noticed on here more than anything else, the main instinct of any person dumped is to feel they have to do something to try and win their ex back, don't you realise, it isn't that she doesn't love you, it isn't that she doesn't miss you, it's just that she doesn't want the relationship anymore. Of course she misses you, but then again, someone who has been treated terribly in a relationship, someone who has been cheated on, beaten up by their ex, someone who 100% of the time now hates their ex, will still miss the good times they had together and have the feeling that they wish they could somehow repeat that. It is just human nature. But it doesn't mean anything. I wish i could say something positive, but i really cannot think of anything... I think more has to come from her side. But i don't know what you can do.

[northstar1]

that's tough man, hard to read that.

ethan has a good point. sometimes, you can love the person and care about them, and miss them, but the relationship wasn't working. and one or both isn't willing to keep trying.

 

i will say that her comment at the end about talking again leaves me to believe she isn't that committed to giving it a second chance. maybe that will change, but don't stick in one spot waiting.

 

i would leave it and see if she reached out to you.

Edited April 24, 2010 by northstar1

[Ronni_W]

I told her we should talk again sometime with which she responded "maybe occassionally" maybe occassionally!? What's that supposed to mean?

It means "possibly, by chance, perhaps" we will speak with each other "now and then, here and there."

It means she's not invested, doesn't feel a particular or great need, knows that she'll be perfectly fine either way.

 

Yes, sometimes speaking with each other the first time after a break-up can feel strange and unfamiliar...but that, in and of itself, doesn't mean anything other than it signifies the change in the relationship and its dynamics.

 

Yes, you can pour out your heart to her. But don't do it with any expectations that it will mean the same thing to her as it does to you.

 

She already told you where she is as far as her feelings for, and long-term outlook about you. Just because you're going to pretend to yourself that you don't understand English well enough to know what "maybe occasionally" means does not mean that you pouring your heart out to her is going to make any difference to how she sees and feels about you.

 

That's the sad truth of it. (I know...I'm a real bummer and bearer of bad news. But that don't necessarily mean I'm off-track.)

 

And I know it sucks. Hugs.

[In-The-Wheat]

Wingman, I feel for ya. This sucks to read, I feel the heartbreak but I dont believe its a complete fail. You were both obviously nervous and tense, not knowing how either were going to react but at least you made SOME contact. That is a start, not great, but a start.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't go with the letter - no need dude...You've put yourself out there before (several times I'm guessing like I did w/my thing). Basically you didn't hear what you wanted which was a reconciliation/"lets try it again" from her. Ball is still in her court to open up. I mean she didn't even speak about the break up. What was the point of her getting in contact with you if she didn't even talk about the relationship/spilt?

 

I'd go NC for a few days, then to make her more comfortable the next time you meet (if), send a her a quick text saying something like..."I'm glad we could at least talk a little & catch up, but I think we should take a little more time to assess our feelings.. When you are comfortable opening up, I will be ready to listen."

 

Idk, sounds pretty good to me..? That alone will make her feel a little more at ease and also lets her know you care - without a huge letter/email.

 

BUT, if she continues with the BS of just getting together to "catch up" and not really talking about YOU & HER, I would start to move on.

Edited April 25, 2010 by In-The-Wheat

[hopesndreams]

Don't send her a letter. Don't put yourself out there for her again. In your other thread, the best advice was given to you, keep NC. But, you went ahead and seen her again anyway because you just couldn't fight it and thought opening yourself up again, curious about what she said she had to say could possibly mean another chance. The advice given was from those that have been there and done that. Being so keen did not work in your favour and it certainly won't work in your favour the next time you do the exact same thing you've done already.

[Panthers86]

Sounds as if both of you are a little unsure of your new condition. Right now, the "juice ain't worth the squeeze" for her to come running back. I agree w/ the other posters...go "NC" for a while. No letter, not even a text. Try going 2-3 weeks, and see if she initiates a conversation with you. If so, reset, repeat...keep the momentum going.

 

When you do talk again (and this will be hard), try -not- to focus on your past relationship or problems. Bottom line: get her in the mindset that when she talks to you, you're -not- trying to force an uncomfortable conversation on her. You definitely shouldn't steer the conversation towards getting back together, or asking for her forgiveness. Give yourself (and her) some time. Relax. Be yourself. Ask about her day at work, school, etc. Get her talking about herself (do -not- ask if she's dating, btw...if she wants you to know, she'll tell you). If there was some common interest or hobby you both enjoyed, then talk about that.

 

Still wanna write a letter to your ex? Go ahead and write it...just -don't- send it. Get a shoebox or something to put your letters in. Put it in a discreet place. Keep your letters for a few days. Go back and read 'em a few times, if you want. Then shred 'em, or otherwise discreetly dispose. If you need to get that angst out on paper, then do it. JUST DON'T SEND 'EM!! Don't go down the rabbit hole of trying to create "the masterpiece love letter". For the time being, until you actual see or truly sense an obvious improvement in your communication, don't send her any letters about your feelings. Like a couple other posters already indicated, she already knows you...already knows about your feelings.

 

In the meantime, focus on -YOU-!! STAY ACTIVE. Eat right. Stay fit. Get enough sleep. If you drink, ease back on the booze. Stay close to your friends and family. Don't talk to -everyone- about your breakup, but pick a couple of good confidants (you'll know who to trust), and ask for their support when you need to rant, or just talk. Consider counseling or therapy (from a support group, clergy, or a licensed professional). Find a new hobby, or rediscover an old one. Talk and think postively, and optimistically, about yourself & others (EVEN about your ex). Most importantly, start examining yourself and say, "What practical things can I do to improve my own mind, body, and soul, so I feel better about 'ME'?" Start doing those practical things.

 

You want your ex to notice you? Then focus on becoming that much -better- than the person she let go. Man up!! You'll be fine...

[wingman2]

Thanks that's exactly what I'm going to do. Even though my head is boggling and my emotions are up in the air, I'm just going to use this time to cool down, think on the situation and kind of put the puzzle pieces together, that actually helps relieve some of the stress and tension from myself for some reason. I'm going to keep on reading and finish my journaling while also talking to friends and family members that I know will be there to listen.

 

I'm not going to say anything to her, I'm just going to wait it out and focus on myself until eventually she'll say something again. Hopefully next time I'll be more ready but I might just go with NC for a long time. Thing is she hasn't said a think to me since and this is day 3 since we spoke Friday night. I'm starting to get concerned that she has no interest in talking to me anymore but I'm not going to open up to her about it. She might be waiting for me to initiate something but I'm not going to.

 

I'm just upset right now cause I feel like I've said the wrong thing. In the conversation she talked about how she was surprised that she would be the one running after me and I'd be the one blocking her out with which I responded by saying "Well I have to live this way regardless so I can't let it get to me anyway" with which she responded by saying that's right.

 

I really regret saying this now because I feel like I've given all the control over to her again because it's showing her that the only reason I'm capable of coping and not letting it get to my head is because I have to and I have no other choice, not because I choose to find my own path. I want to show her that I'm willing to find my own path in life and not that I'm forced to find it. I just feel like she'll look at that as she's able to control me and come back to me anytime she wants. Hopefully what I said isn't as bad as I think but it's just the feeling I'm getting from it.

 

Above all though we were both pretty calm and confident in the conversation and I allowed her to steer the conversation without bringing up the past or hurtful topics. We did pretty much just caught up with eachother and what things have been going on in our lives. Just that it felt dull and awkward talking to her differently than I used to but I was also expecting her to go deeper into talking about our breakup since there are things I wanted to open up to her about but she never got into it. Hopefully our first conversation didn't go as bad as I thought it did, I just hope she'll eventually get back to me. So far nothing =(

[northstar1]

That is hard to take, but at least you realize you have to leave it and go NC. If she regrets it and wants to make it work, nothing will stop her from finding you.

[EthanH]

northstar, you give the best advice on here, just want to say thanks for that.

[northstar1]

thanks, but it only comes from having gone through a very tough breakup a few years back in which i had to learn my own lessons about nc and moving on. and i still give better advice than I take.

[Rearden Metal]

northstar, you give the best advice on here, just want to say thanks for that.

 

You ain't kiddin'. Dude is top-notch!