confused! please help me make sense of this.....

[torninpieces]

Hey guys,

 

Im new here so im still trying to feel my way through.....

 

there's this guy (we'll call him brian), we sort of have history in that he we met 7 years ago became friends and he asked me out a month or 2 later, the problem was we were both pretty young back then and well im 3 years older than him so i never really entertained the possibility.... so i never really said no but nothing came of it. we'd talk and he actually asked if we could maybe be friends with benefits... again... nothing happened. he was a really sweet guy, we'd walk home together if ever he came past the shop i used to work at and the one time we did kiss he asked before he even made the move...

 

anyway, as it turned out i met someone and got into a pretty serious relationship and we just naturally lost touch.... when i moved out of home brian found out and he sent me an email, the exact contents of which i dont recall, but to the point of how i shouldnt disrespect myself. i remember reading it and being confused/surprised that he sent that.

 

so after this we just lost touch and had no communication for about a year until i sent him a msg on fb, just to see how he was.... we lost touch again nearing 2years and i dont know all this time i never forgot about him, i mean he never consumed all my thoughts but i always had in mind. So one day i send him a fb message and all went well, we started chatting and everything and he seemed genuinely happy to hear from me again, but he always seemed confused/uncomfortable because he somehow thought i had a bf. i told him i didnt and we were good but he would say that he didnt want to lead me on and he just sees me as a friend. and im like thats ok its not like im looking for a relationship, i just wanted to reconnect with him and go from there. but im so confused because we'd talk and all is good until he says he's confused and he needs to think things through, days would pass or even a week or 2 until he messages me to say sorry for not being in touch cos he's still trying to sort himself out. and all the while, i wait patiently not forcing the issue. i let him be, until one day something happened and he just says that we cant talk because he started seeing someone.... i was so heartbroken, i cried about it and i sent him a reply trying to explain and what not... but he was just like sorry but it just wasnt meant to be. he said he'll always be there as a friend but things we're just too complicated. so i eventually accepted it and i was doing well until he messages me like 3-4weeks later sayin he wasnt with seeing anymore and that he was confused and had me on his mind, he eventually asked me for advice, so i tried to be cool and collected and tried to be a friend. anyways, he was like thanks for the advice and all we're back on.... behind this though, when we chatted he was saying that he still thinks about me and when i asked him whatever happened to us, he said that he didnt know but he said he fell for me years ago but i shot him down and naturally things just fell apart. he said he still holds on to this fantasy but he's gotta let it go. he said it might be better if just go our own ways because being friends just doesnt seem to be option because we have this history of him liking me, the sexual/physical attraction between us and he just doesnt want to rekindle those feelings... but it doesnt make sense cos he says he knows he cant feel that way about me anymore so why would it be so hard then? he just doesnt make sense, i really care.. i wanna know how he really feels but i cant seem to get him to open up. what's going on? can someone please help me make sense of this all? PLEASE, im so broken and even though i try so hard i just cant get over it.

Edited April 23, 2010 by torninpieces
title incorrect

[Rorschach]

Hey likes you, he would love to be in a relationship with you. He had a crush on you 7 years ago and you shot him down, he feels you still don't want to be in a relationship with him and in the past 7 years he's learned a valuable man-lesson.

 

Don't be friends with women you want to date, it'll only end badly.

 

So he's trying to cut all ties before he gets hurt again. You have two options.

 

1. if you only like him as a friend, let him go, he can't be your friend and still stay happy.

 

2. if you think you might want a relationship with him, tell him, say something like 'hey 7 years is a long time and I was thinking, a long time ago you wanted to try and date. I know I wasn't interested then but I kind of regret it, would you give me another chance'. Maybe not that exactly but something to that effect to let him know that 'hey, you don't have to try and distance yourself from me any longer'.

 

You can re-post this in the 'dating' forum to get more answers as that is the 'main' relationship forum.

[torninpieces]

Rorschach thanks so much for replying and the tip! i've reposted in dating..... i've tried to distance myself cos i didnt want to seem like i was chasing... when we got to talking about what happened, he just seemed to shy away and just said he didnt want to talk about it... but when i asked him if i ever did cross his mind all those years he said no and that he could forget about me in a heartbeat if he wasnt reminded of me! =(

im honestly shattered... i really like him, and i do regret not going for it when i had the chance.

 

do you really think he still cares, is there still something there? i know he's the only one who has the answers but i cant help but wonder... he consumes my every thought and it kills me to think i no longer mean anything to him, or the possibility of losing touch again... what do i do? where do i go from here??

[soulm8]

there's this guy (we'll call him brian), we sort of have history in that he we met 7 years ago became friends and he asked me out a month or 2 later, the problem was we were both pretty young back then and well im 3 years older than him so i never really entertained the possibility.... so i never really said no but nothing came of it. we'd talk and he actually asked if we could maybe be friends with benefits... again... nothing happened. he was a really sweet guy, we'd walk home together if ever he came past the shop i used to work at and the one time we did kiss he asked before he even made the move...

 

anyway, as it turned out i met someone and got into a pretty serious relationship and we just naturally lost touch.... when i moved out of home brian found out and he sent me an email, the exact contents of which i dont recall, but to the point of how i shouldnt disrespect myself. i remember reading it and being confused/surprised that he sent that.

 

so after this we just lost touch and had no communication for about a year until i sent him a msg on fb, just to see how he was.... we lost touch again nearing 2years and i dont know all this time i never forgot about him, i mean he never consumed all my thoughts but i always had in mind. So one day i send him a fb message and all went well, we started chatting and everything and he seemed genuinely happy to hear from me again, but he always seemed confused/uncomfortable because he somehow thought i had a bf. i told him i didnt and we were good but he would say that he didnt want to lead me on and he just sees me as a friend. and im like thats ok its not like im looking for a relationship, i just wanted to reconnect with him and go from there. but im so confused because we'd talk and all is good until he says he's confused and he needs to think things through, days would pass or even a week or 2 until he messages me to say sorry for not being in touch cos he's still trying to sort himself out. and all the while, i wait patiently not forcing the issue. i let him be, until one day something happened and he just says that we cant talk because he started seeing someone.... i was so heartbroken, i cried about it and i sent him a reply trying to explain and what not... but he was just like sorry but it just wasnt meant to be. he said he'll always be there as a friend but things we're just too complicated. so i eventually accepted it and i was doing well until he messages me like 3-4weeks later sayin he wasnt with seeing anymore and that he was confused and had me on his mind, he eventually asked me for advice, so i tried to be cool and collected and tried to be a friend. anyways, he was like thanks for the advice and all we're back on.... behind this though, when we chatted he was saying that he still thinks about me and when i asked him whatever happened to us, he said that he didnt know but he said he fell for me years ago but i shot him down and naturally things just fell apart. he said he still holds on to this fantasy but he's gotta let it go. he said it might be better if just go our own ways because being friends just doesnt seem to be option because we have this history of him liking me, the sexual/physical attraction between us and he just doesnt want to rekindle those feelings... but it doesnt make sense cos he says he knows he cant feel that way about me anymore so why would it be so hard then? he just doesnt make sense, i really care.. i wanna know how he really feels but i cant seem to get him to open up. what's going on? can someone please help me make sense of this all? PLEASE, im so broken and even though i try so hard i just cant get over it.

 

Why are you obsessing over him? Is he THAT attractive that you NEED to jump his bones or is it a case of wanting what you "can't have"? Think about it. What's so special about this guy that you're not interested in meeting more compatible men... your age or older, who would love to get to know you?

 

What I get from your post is that he's sexually attracted to you, but still doesn't think a relationship would work. It wasn't meant to be... and still isn't... move on! Chasing a man never has a good outcome. Respect yourself and the right man will pursue YOU.

Edited April 23, 2010 by soulm8

[torninpieces]

Good question! boy did you get me thinking.... i honestly dont know how to answer though! deep down i think it may be a case of wanting what i know i cant have... the feeling of being rejected sucks, its so much easier doing the rejecting than being on the receiving end.

 

i mean he is hot but admittedly he's not all that. ive had better..though he does have a line of girls chasing after him...i guess because ive always been lucky enough to get what i want that when it came to this i just couldnt take it.... im 24 and i know i need to grow up but its just not that easy for me to get over it. the thing is i dont even chase, i had sort of gotten to the point of acceptance until he came back to the picture..... isnt it only normal to feel the way i do? i cant help but feel like im just not good enough, why do guys opt for being friends with benefits? is it my fault that im in this situation? why doesnt he want me? its just a blow to the ego and it makes u feel like crap =(

 

i guess its also about wondering what could have been, ive regretted having let the opportunity go and now that i cant get my way im just kicking myself! everyone i know thinks the way Rorschach does but ive always thought they were just trying to make me feel better... are you saying that there's just nothing there and he really couldnt give a stuff about me and its just a physical thing? like... i could be just a past time?

 

And why would he refer to me as his ex who cheated all those years ago to other people when we were never an item? i mean did i miss the part when we went out? come on... that's gotta mean something right?

Edited April 24, 2010 by torninpieces