Yo-Yo Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Hi, I started seeing a girl about a month ago. She looks like she's 30, but she's 50..She acts kind of like a kid in their 20's, flirty, bouncy, life of the party....We had an amazing connection right away. Every time we were together, it was always at least 8-12 hours of snuggling, bonding by learning about each other and all the similarities we had, etc...She was visibly happy, and me too... 2nd date, I went to kiss her and she recoiled in what was almost fear...I laid off... 3rd date same thing...4th, 5th...but the good vibes were still there, and I kept tryin... She had told me that she's been hurt a lot, and didn't know me and trust me to kiss me...She said that it was so intimate, and she didn't trust me yet....So I hung back again... Finally she lets me kiss her and reciprocates....All the while, though, she's talking about how now I'm going to chain her down, demand to know where she is, etc...Like punishing the son for the sins of the father...I told her that I wasn't "that guy", and that I wished I could be alone in an alley with all the guys who ever hurt her...I meant it... I felt her pain, and tried as hard as I could to understand that she was nervous... The hard part was that at the same time she was holding back and saying she didnt want intimacy, she was setting up situations for intimacy....Candles, romantic music, snuggling around wrapped in each others' bodies....Mixed signals galore... Soon after, she started sleeping at my house, and in bed, doing things like grabbing my equipment, taking all my clothes off and kind of fondling me (the way an amazed kid plays with a cool toy)...Lots of teasing, but completely closed off if I tried to touch her body....How can you get someone naked, play with them, and then cover your breasts like you're guarding Fort Knox? Mixed signals continue... I took her out on a "surprise date", and on the way there, I brought up an arbitrary conversation topic, and she went into super-argument overdrive, fighting me to the death about every thing I said, making a bit of a scene, mocking my voice the way a kid would...I should have brought her home, but I didn't... Finally we slept together a few days later, and all seemed well, although she kept saying things about how she didnt want a relationship and we shouldnt have sex anymore, and she doesnt even like sex anymore etc etc... Next day was my birthday, and she was being a little difficult about when we would meet for dinner, although she wasn't busy, so it would have been just as easy to accomodate. I was bound by my job, and after she kept insisting, I got frustrated, lost my patience a little, and spoke strongly (no yelling, no insults, just firm.)..It turns out that "dinner" was happy hour at a bar, and she didnt want to miss it. She showed up 45 minutes late, without calling or anything, and when she got there, she had 2 of her friends in tow... She was icy as all hell in the restaurant, even kind of hostile... Later, I tried to talk to her about what was up with her, and she was again, argumentative and a brick wall. After dealing with the humiliation of the dinner, I did lose my cool and yelled at her (again, no insults, no name-calling). We broke up. A few days after, I gave her a package with a flower lei and a letter telling her how sad I was that things ended over something so stupid, and I wished her well, thanked her for all the good times...Told her that the next good man who comes into her life, she should take a chance on, that she deserved to be loved...I thought it was a nice gesture.. 2 weeks later (yesterday) I went to talk to her...Again, she was hostile, she said that she did nothing wrong the night of the birthday dinner, and that I just went crazy for no reason. According to her, I was only to blame, and she did nothing wrong. She said that my getting pissed had redefined me as a horrible person, and that nothing else I'd ever done mattered. She was icy, argumentative, hostile, and I got up and left... What do you all make of this? Is it my fault for getting pissed? Is it my fault at all? Aside from the birthday night, I had always been extremely nice, communicative, reassuring, fun, and treated her very well... Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yo-Yo Posted April 19, 2010 Author Share Posted April 19, 2010 Oh yeah...Something to mention...Very early on, we were making plans and she was driving, and I casually asked what kind of car she had, and she spazzed out again...Hostile...."Why you need to ask me such a stupid question? What does it matter? Why you want to know??" Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Hi, I started seeing a girl about a month ago. She looks like she's 30, but she's 50..She acts kind of like a kid in their 20's, flirty, bouncy, life of the party....We had an amazing connection right away. Every time we were together, it was always at least 8-12 hours of snuggling, bonding by learning about each other and all the similarities we had, etc...She was visibly happy, and me too... 2nd date, I went to kiss her and she recoiled in what was almost fear...I laid off... 3rd date same thing...4th, 5th...but the good vibes were still there, and I kept tryin... She had told me that she's been hurt a lot, and didn't know me and trust me to kiss me...She said that it was so intimate, and she didn't trust me yet....So I hung back again... Finally she lets me kiss her and reciprocates....All the while, though, she's talking about how now I'm going to chain her down, demand to know where she is, etc...Like punishing the son for the sins of the father...I told her that I wasn't "that guy", and that I wished I could be alone in an alley with all the guys who ever hurt her...I meant it... I felt her pain, and tried as hard as I could to understand that she was nervous... The hard part was that at the same time she was holding back and saying she didnt want intimacy, she was setting up situations for intimacy....Candles, romantic music, snuggling around wrapped in each others' bodies....Mixed signals galore... Soon after, she started sleeping at my house, and in bed, doing things like grabbing my equipment, taking all my clothes off and kind of fondling me (the way an amazed kid plays with a cool toy)... I'm sorry, I stopped reading there. OK, that doesn't help your situation. Anyway, it's not normal for a woman to switch like that, after you've exhibited behavior towards her such as what you described (you being reassuring, nice, communicative, etc). Her behavior towards you, sounds almost as if she was angry towards you. I can't find a reason, in what you've written, as to why she should or would be mad at you. Doesn't add up. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 The way you put this story, if its the whole story, you make her sound nuts. If this is right, you werent at fault, and you need to stay away from her. You had no rteason to apologize. Sounds to me like she was in rebound mode and wasnt attracted to you from day 1 to the end. After no kiss on date 5 you should have bailed. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 After only 5 dates does it matter who did what ?. You have enough info to know that it will never work out.. Stop calling her.. problem solved... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yo-Yo Posted April 19, 2010 Author Share Posted April 19, 2010 Thanks for your replies, all... Boogieboy, yeah, I'm looking for real feedback about this, so I'm only stating the facts...I did make a mistake by being "strong" with her, but that was after the surprise date argument over nothing, and we had discussed the bday dinner timing before, so she was acting as if we hadn't, and that annoyed me. I obviously needed to restate it, and that shocked her like I had clubbed her or something...Nevertheless, I apologized, told her it wasnt personal...It may be worth saying that I'm Italian, and she's a rich girl from Taiwan... But yeah, I've been honest in my posting. My "crimes" were my firm serious way to tell her that her time was bad, and simply 1/2 hour later would allow me to actually be there for the dinner, rather than arrive 1/2 hour late after she and her friend would be there, and also I guess, that I did totally get mega-pissed and shouted after I tried to talk to resolve the problem. She was putting words in my mouth, being hostile, and denying any wrongdoing with the lateness and the hostile/passive-agressive behaviour in the bar in front of her friends I did snap and allowed myself to lose my cool. When I sent her the lei and letter, I did apologize for yelling at her in anger, and told her i really felt bad how I lost control.. Thanks again for your replies. Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 But yeah, I've been honest in my posting. Thanks again for your replies. Well lets hope so. But, we could be wrong, we've all been wrong before... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Part of being a success in dating is knowing how to read the signals and knowing when to call it a loss.. Dude.. if you put any more energy into her then it is all your loss.. Time to chalk that zinger up to a learning experience.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yo-Yo Posted April 19, 2010 Author Share Posted April 19, 2010 Nuts? You don't know the half of it....50 year old woman, guarding her boobs, wont let me touch em, but strips me naked, goes down BY my equipment, 3 inches from it, and then is talking about "i dont wanna, cos thats where the pee comes out" Dead serious. I knew the girl had issues, but I still liked her...I know, I'm an idiot... But as for honesty, bro, I'm only here to get a few different opinions about this, so I'm really not interested in contorting it so that I can get "she's crazy youre great" messages based on lies...Know what I mean? I'm seriously confused here, and have been honest with the 2 things I did that weren't super-awesome...Thanks for reading and replying though, CLC. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 how old are you. is there a large age gap? she was telling you from the start that she's emotionally unavailable and not willing to work past that. you pushed thinking she would change. she reverted back even further because it crosses her comfort zone to become vulnerable. vulnerable = pain (to her) this is why her guard is up so high you couldn't have begun to do anything right in her eyes. for you - it's a no win situation. especially since she unwilling to grow and change in order to move past her fear. Link to post Share on other sites
Pfiend101 Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 Sounds kinda like an ex of mine. She had been sexually abused. Sounds like she had a suitcase of issues. Don't know if yours was abused or not but let this one be the burden on somebody else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yo-Yo Posted April 19, 2010 Author Share Posted April 19, 2010 You all are fantastic....I've got no real friends out here in paradise, so, nobody to bounce this off of around me... I'm 38, and she's 50, or, at the very least, 40 (she may have said 50 to scare me off, too)...She sure doesn't look 50, but then again...Taiwanese... Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Carl Posted April 19, 2010 Share Posted April 19, 2010 She's a waste of your time. I wouldn't blame for doing so, but honestly, trying to figure her out is going to yield nothing. You can invest a lot of time in a woman who shows you cracks in her psycho-armor. But the fact is she'll always have total control over everything because of her armor. Your resentment would be what ultimately causes the relationship to break apart. As walled off as women like her are, they never actually do any breaking up. They just drive men away. Link to post Share on other sites
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