First in-person date after work today

[VertexSquared]

I am really excited, guys, so please help me out here!

 

So this new girl from eH and I have spoken on the phone twice already -- the first time was about two hours and the second time was... I actually don't know. At least an hour, probably not two. But throughout the day at work we also talk about random things (we work just a few blocks away from one another).

 

Today, after work, we're going to meet in person for the first time... I am a nervous ball of energy right now. We both told each other we were nervous (but in a good way, lol). However, I am still nervous and I hope she will still like me even after we meet.

 

I could use some serious pointers here. We've both gone over almost all the basics. Where we're from, what we do in free time, bg about our families, our musical tastes, our jobs, our schools, a few random views on relationships/dating, random things going on in our lives, etc.

 

Sometimes when we talk, we generally move things along, but there ARE a few points when we have a couple seconds of "awkward pause," and I think we're both fairly nervous people to the extent that we both try to avoid them (although I am personally comfortable with silence if they are, I don't want to fall back too hard on that, especially for the first few dates). She told me she gets nervous and freezes up/blanks out around people she is worried about impressing (I do the same thing), and so I want to be *able* to always take charge of the convo if I need to so that she feels more at ease.

 

This girl and I are *extremely* similar types of people (with a few obvious differences here and there in our personalities, but there are so many uncanny commonalities) and I think we're both on the exact same page, but I want to be able to go into this date with my best foot forward. She's totally adorable and sweet, and I'd really like for things to go well tonight.

 

We're eating at a Japanese restaurant that I haven't tried before. I know she is a bit of a food connoisseur/gastronome, and so I am hoping we can carry some convo on about Japanese food. I also plan to talk about our taste in movies, since we haven't really done so yet.

 

The problem is that after that, I blank a bit. I know she is really into art and culture, and so I think I can ask her about these things since I am genuinely curious, but again, I need a backup plan! I can't afford to rely solely on "winging it," especially considering how new I am to "dating" and trying to carry on conversations with new people like this (it's always so much easier when meeting naturally and without "romantic" preconditions... of course, this basically describes friendships, haha).

 

So even though this is our first in-person date, in terms of "information/compatibility," we've already established a fair bit of knowledge and mutual chemistry... what might be some tips you guys would give for this kind of situation?

 

I was thinking of bringing my winter coat today because it may rain later (I wanted an excuse to possibly give her my coat to wear if things turned that direction), but I decided to leave it behind when I read that rain may not occur. I did bring an umbrella though, just in case (and, you never know, if it rains, I have an excuse to share an umbrella with her!).

 

In general I am going to try to fake the *hell* out of my confidence today. It's a bit easier knowing she is nervous, too, but I really want to come across as a man with a plan. But until I actually do, I need help faking it temporarily, as I am not great at winging introductory stages, haha.

 

At any rate, last night she hinted at maybe wanting to take a walk after dinner if weather was good, which is great by me.

 

Questions:

 

1. Convo advice! Holy crap do I need help here.

2. How on earth do I know when to call the date a night? I always feel bad making some arbitrary cutoff, as if to say "I don't want to continue this date any further tonight."

3. Better to sit face-to-face at a table or side-by-side at the sushi bar or something?

4. I can't even think of a fourth. But there's definitely gotta be a fourth.

 

I'm really pumping my fist on this one -- I know this can go well!! I can always count on you guys for advice... any morsels of wisdom would be great. Thanks!

Edited April 16, 2010 by VertexSquared

[VertexSquared]

Ah man, come on guys. XD

[Star Gazer]

1. Convo advice: Avoid politics, past relationships, religion. Ask a question for every question she asks you.

 

2. Tell her a little bit in that there's a party you're "supposed" to go to... if the date is lame, that's your excuse. If the date goes well, you can just "blow off" or "be really late" to the party.

 

3. If possible, sit at a square table, not facing each other but not directly side by side either.

[VertexSquared]

1. Convo advice: Avoid politics, past relationships, religion. Ask a question for every question she asks you.

 

2. Tell her a little bit in that there's a party you're "supposed" to go to... if the date is lame, that's your excuse. If the date goes well, you can just "blow off" or "be really late" to the party.

 

3. If possible, sit at a square table, not facing each other but not directly side by side either.

 

1. The problem is that she is sometimes slow with questions a bit because she is nervous. Again, I do the same thing sometimes. It's not because of a lack of interest, it's just because the nervousness sometimes grows so great that one forgets that the other person is interested in X/Y/Z that is worth discussing/asking about.

 

2. I don't see myself wanting to leave (she's really a great girl and I know I'm going to be interested no matter what happens tonight, unless she does something totally out of line with the types of discussions we've had so far) -- the problem is that I just don't know how to close dates. I don't want to be the "Soooo wanna come back to my place?" type, but I also don't want to come across as blowing her off -- just want to know how and when to end the date so things don't drag.

 

3. Will do.

[Star Gazer]

1. Well then just keep asking questions yourself, or bring up subjects. When she answers, just volunteer your answer to the same question you just asked. What I'm saying is, just make an effort to keep the conversation even - don't spend all night talking about yourself, or let her spend all night talking about herself.

 

2. It's a first meeting, so I'd max out the "date" at 3 hours - regardless of what you're doing or how much fun you're having. Relationships like this can fizzle fast if you front load all of the information and excitement at the beginning and leave nothing for other dates. So around the 3 hour point, just say it's getting late and you have an early morning, and you don't want to keep her out too late either. Even if she says, "Aww, that's okay, I'm having fun!" just say something like, "Besides, ending now gives us more to do any talk about next time" with a smile and a wink. Heehee! I LOVE this first date stuff!!! Too bad I'll never have another!

[VertexSquared]

1. Well then just keep asking questions yourself, or bring up subjects. When she answers, just volunteer your answer to the same question you just asked. What I'm saying is, just make an effort to keep the conversation even - don't spend all night talking about yourself, or let her spend all night talking about herself.

 

2. It's a first meeting, so I'd max out the "date" at 3 hours - regardless of what you're doing or how much fun you're having. Relationships like this can fizzle fast if you front load all of the information and excitement at the beginning and leave nothing for other dates. So around the 3 hour point, just say it's getting late and you have an early morning, and you don't want to keep her out too late either. Even if she says, "Aww, that's okay, I'm having fun!" just say something like, "Besides, ending now gives us more to do any talk about next time" with a smile and a wink. Heehee! I LOVE this first date stuff!!! Too bad I'll never have another!

 

1. "Well then just keep asking questions yourself, or bring up subjects." -- yes, this is what I'd like to do -- what kind of questions would you ask someone on a second/third date? I ask that because we already know lots about one another.

 

2. Problem is we know neither of us sleeps much because of our field of work. We're both very much capable of staying up super late, sleeping a few hours, and being up in the early morning. This is the issue I have with "calling early nights" -- early nights do not exist for us. I genuinely do not know how to circumvent this.

[VertexSquared]

Gah I am screwed. lol.

[Star Gazer]

Don't overthink it, V. Just go with the flow... at least you know she's as nervous as you are!

 

One of my best ever eH dates culminated in me sleeping over. So...

[VertexSquared]

Don't overthink it, V. Just go with the flow... at least you know she's as nervous as you are!

 

One of my best ever eH dates culminated in me sleeping over. So...

 

Problem is that "going with the flow" is not what I want to rely on. I absolutely need backup plans when it comes to this introductory-stage stuff.

[Star Gazer]

If you "absolutely need backup plans" for a first date, then I doubt you're going to enjoy a relationship.

 

Loosen up, live a little. You do have plans, no need to plan every detail to a T.

[make me believe]

Vertex, you sound like me! I can be the same way when I get nervous -- I want to have conversation topics planned out and know what to do in any situation that might arise.

 

Since you two have already spoken on the phone for a few hours total, it shouldn't be too hard to keep the conversation flowing. Talking about food & movies is good, and umm....well, since you'll be eating, at least you'll have something to do to fill any awkward pauses. Maybe something really interesting will happen today that you can tell her about.

 

If things are going well, you definitely want to have a plan for afterwards, because IMO just going to dinner always feels a little abrupt. So I would say after dinner definitely walk around & maybe go get coffee or a drink, and then when you are done with your drinks end the night there. Don't make excuses like you have to be up early or have other plans (I'd hate it if a guy asked me on a date on a night when he had a party or something else to go to -- I'd feel like he wanted an escape plan, or like I was just filling his time before he got to go be with his friends). Just tell her you had a great time and are looking forward to seeing her again soon.

 

I agree with Star about the seating arrangements.

 

Good luck!! It sounds like you two already have pretty good chemistry, so it probably won't be nearly as nerve-wracking as it feels right now.

[VertexSquared]

Vertex, you sound like me! I can be the same way when I get nervous -- I want to have conversation topics planned out and know what to do in any situation that might arise.

 

Since you two have already spoken on the phone for a few hours total, it shouldn't be too hard to keep the conversation flowing. Talking about food & movies is good, and umm....well, since you'll be eating, at least you'll have something to do to fill any awkward pauses. Maybe something really interesting will happen today that you can tell her about.

 

If things are going well, you definitely want to have a plan for afterwards, because IMO just going to dinner always feels a little abrupt. So I would say after dinner definitely walk around & maybe go get coffee or a drink, and then when you are done with your drinks end the night there. Don't make excuses like you have to be up early or have other plans (I'd hate it if a guy asked me on a date on a night when he had a party or something else to go to -- I'd feel like he wanted an escape plan, or like I was just filling his time before he got to go be with his friends). Just tell her you had a great time and are looking forward to seeing her again soon.

 

I agree with Star about the seating arrangements.

 

Good luck!! It sounds like you two already have pretty good chemistry, so it probably won't be nearly as nerve-wracking as it feels right now.

 

I feel like I'd be ten times more confident if I had a plan for the following:

 

1. At least 6 or so subjects I can talk about as backup when winging-it fails.

 

2. A plan for what to do after dinner -- possibly walk around, but I'd like to have a cool little destination in mind.

 

3. How to properly call it a night.

[Els]

Oh, OP, I honestly think you're planning too much. Planning is good, yes - have an idea of where you'll go, what her interests are, and such. But you really shouldn't plan such specific things as 'what to say during XXX moment' ahead - it will usually sound unnatural, practiced, and false!

 

Just be the best that you can be while still remaining YOU, and let things be! Frankly, if she doesn't like you because you sat side-by-side instead of face-to-face, it DEFINITELY wasn't meant to be!

[VertexSquared]

Oh, OP, I honestly think you're planning too much. Planning is good, yes - have an idea of where you'll go, what her interests are, and such. But you really shouldn't plan such specific things as 'what to say during XXX moment' ahead - it will usually sound unnatural, practiced, and false!

 

Just be the best that you can be while still remaining YOU, and let things be! Frankly, if she doesn't like you because you sat side-by-side instead of face-to-face, it DEFINITELY wasn't meant to be!

 

I'm not trying to hardcode/plan everything -- I just feel like I need backup. I hate that feeling when we're having a conversation and we end up in a pause and I legitimately can't think of a subject to transition to without it sounding abrupt, let alone whether or not I can think up a new subject fast enough to begin with under pressure. I'm not yet a skilled enough conversationalist to do this properly.

 

I'm fine with "just being myself," but I want to avoid having nerves kill this date. The side-by-side/frontal question was more a matter of nerves as well (frontal being more "direct" and "interviewy/pressure-cookery" whereas side-by-side is more informal and with less pressure, but a bit less intimate).

 

In other news I am just so new to actually going on dates with girls that I genuinely like and find attractive. "Just wing it" is easy to say for those who can do it naturally. It's a lot harder for those who are inexperienced or not as adept.

 

Should I look for a good coffee/tea spot afterward? Is that normal/wouldn't we be really full? Where would most people go afterward? At what point do you call it a night and what do you say? Is it just something you come up with out of nowhere once conversation dies off a bit, or is it a bit more advantageous to kill it off even if things are good so you "end on a good note"?

[spookie]

when you plan everything out like that, you leave yourself very little room to be witty.

[Star Gazer]

You want just subjects? Okay...

 

1. "How 'bout them Yankees?"

2. Favorite/upcoming vacations

3. Places you've lived, and why you moved

4. Career aspirations

5. Things you've discovered about NYC since moving there...

 

It's really easy, V. Just go with where the conversation takes you.

[VertexSquared]

Ahh! I can definitely talk about Philly a bit. That works too. She just went recently, too.

 

It's really easy, V. Just go with where the conversation takes you.

 

This would be like me telling someone who has no knowledge of stock options to "just delta hedge in the opposite direction of the movement" or something, lol.

[spookie]

surely you have a few hilarious or self deprecating stories you can share.

[VertexSquared]

surely you have a few hilarious or self deprecating stories you can share.

 

I've shared a few already. I suppose I could always try to think of more.

[spookie]

if i went on a date today and we reached the point of awkward silence, i'd choose from one of these options:

 

1. work- how we googled the new guy and it turned out he was a registered pedophile, and when we brought it up to hr, all they said was, we know

2. work- how a vp "resigned effectively immediately" today- i wonder what that means?

3. recent vacation to mexico, leading to a convo about the colorful/ desperate members of my family if we're getting real desperate

 

i always have convo backups too, but i make sure they are points off which the convo can flow into unchartered waters, as opposed to general topics, like movies or music. personally, i dont understand how it's possible to spend hours talking about your interests _ sharing them, yes, but the only convo i have had about movies, involved both of us listing off all of our favorites, while the other person went, "ooh, good one!!"

[Crazy Magnet]

I know you like to plan, but let things flow a little. I believe on the first date with my BF we covered every horribly taboo topic on the planet. Politics, religion, and even strip clubs! It was hilarious, fit our personalities to a T, and we can still look back and laugh about it.

 

Although we could very well have sat there all night, I made sure I had an errand to run at a store that closed at 9 (we met about 6 I think) so that I had an early or late exit strategy, but I had one nonetheless. Perhaps something like that will work for you.

[Ruby Slippers]

My ex had this great question he would ask me pretty often, sometimes when things were light, sometimes when things were more serious: "What's on your mind?"

 

It always made me stop, really think about what was going on for me at the moment, and tell him honestly. It was almost always the starting point of a great conversation.

 

Have fun!!

[Romance]

I don't know why but I found the OP's post to be absolutely adorable. The whole I brought an umbrella so we can share! thing and all of this nervousness. Be your nervous self and im pretty sure she's gonna find it endearing.

[VertexSquared]

Oh, my, God.

 

That date *COULD NOT* have gone any better.

 

I never had a single moment where I was fumbling for words. Everything just flowed. We both got out of work MAD early and met up at a restaurant I had planned for/made reservations for around 5:30 and had a very fun/lighthearted dinner (just for those who are wondering, I paid for everything last night).

 

After dinner we went for a walk and I cleverly guided us in a subtle way to eventually hit up this coffee/tea joint that had certain rare brands of tea that I know she really liked, and so she was quite happy with that little pitstop.

 

We continued walking and, I swear, this is the only time I will ever thank stupid people. There was a fight that broke out on the sidewalk in a crowded area, and she pulled me aside by my arm so we could walk around the crowd and continue on our way. The thing here, though, is that even after we avoided this crowd, she still hung onto my arm as we walked and talked.

 

So it began raining eventually but the umbrella was great here... eventually we wound up at a dive bar near my apartment where we had drinks and great conversation. We discovered just how comfortable we were around one another and how much we had in common. We're seriously like the male/female equivalents of each other. That is so incredibly rare. It goes beyond mere "Oh we both like the same movies and books and shows" -- I'm talking nitty-gritty details. The compatibility was absolutely mindblowing. I've absolutely never felt more turned on by a woman in my entire life. Even though we did discuss things like our favorite books and movies, it was not without a ton of hilarious side-commentary, discussion, debate, etc.

 

It was so easy with her because for once I didn't feel shy about being myself. She found my jokes genuinely funny and I totally got her humor as well -- at one point she was halfway to tears. We could both just totally nerd out and not fear what others thought about how passionate we were about the arts or business or technology (we're both EXTREMELY passionate and it's a kind of passion that normally confuses/turns off/alienates most people). And, to boot, she is incredibly gorgeous and cute. At one point last night at the bar, as I listened to her speak, her face beautifully lit by the candlelight in front of us, I felt this insane urge. I was so turned on and all I wanted to do in that moment was kiss her. And while I've felt that urge before with other girls, this urge was so intense. I can't possibly articulate to you all how attracted I was to her. I did not act on that urge at the time though, unfortunately.

 

So as we walked back to the street, it was a natural stopping point for the date and so we looked for a cab so she could get home. After we found one, she turned to hug me, and our hug lingered for a tad longer than what would be friendly. We pulled apart slightly and looked into each other's eyes for a brief, fleeting moment -- and it just happened. We kissed and left each other beaming as she entered the cab and drove off. 8-hour date.

 

After I got back to my apartment, we continued talking to each other online, both admitting that we were honestly in a state of shock. I didn't even know girls like her existed. I used to think such a woman could not possibly be out there, and yet here she was, working just a few blocks away from me. We both said that we had an amazing time -- she says she just keeps liking me more and more every time we talk.

 

It feels like a massive weight is being lifted off. Being able to just be myself is something I've never truly been able to do, even in past relationships. There was always some aspect I had to suppress or hide because I feared that it would contribute to incompatibility. That fear is totally gone here.

 

We're meeting up again this morning briefly before she heads off to a weekend-long thing at her alma mater to visit some of her friends. No silly three-day-waiting phone game BS needed, here.

 

I can't believe that that all actually happened... I pray I'm not really dreaming right now.

 

 

I don't know why but I found the OP's post to be absolutely adorable. The whole I brought an umbrella so we can share! thing and all of this nervousness. Be your nervous self and im pretty sure she's gonna find it endearing.

 

She did, hahaha. At one point on the street when we were waiting for the stoplight to end, she randomly asked me if I was still nervous. I admitted, "A little, but it's going away pretty rapidly, haha" -- her response was basically "Aww" followed by a tightening of my arm and her head up against my shoulder until the light changed.

Edited April 17, 2010 by VertexSquared

[Els]

I am so glad for you!! See, this shows you that there's nothing wrong with YOU if you're shy around certain girls, and no need to resort to the PUA tactics some guys have been pushing on you. When the right girl showed up, everything just flowed naturally, as it should be.

 

I do hope this works out great for you, but even if it doesn't I hope you'll remember this and it'll aid you in your future efforts and self-esteem.