What does sex mean to you?

[JBelle]

Hi, I'm new to this site and have been lurking for a while now just soaking up info and perspectives on marriage as I begin to seriously contemplate it with my boyfriend of 3 years; and, as I read about all of these sexless marriages, one burning question comes into my mind: What does sex mean to you?

 

What do I mean by that? Well, for example, there was a thread around here where someone asked why intimacy (i.e. holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc.) holds a higher status than sex, why is it more "holy" and revered than sex? Put another way: Why is intimacy a given necessity in a marriage but sex is commonly viewed as either dirty or unnecessary or simply not a deal breaker?

 

I agree that sex is important; but then....I think about all these messages in society that says that sex holds no emotional value. People are perfectly capable of having sex with ten to twenty people and not have an emotional connection. Guys just keep putting notch after notch on the bedpost. People on this site routinely suggest that they have an open marriage if the wife becomes disinterested in sex (which, honestly, is highly offensive to me for the simple fact that it's such an insult to the Other Woman. What the heck?! I was already incensed by all the married men who have no qualms about hitting on me or craning their neck to stare. Now I'm just downright ticked off at the thought that they view me as a blown up sex doll to get off on their jollies while the wife gets all the love and affection and care. )

 

All these messages keep getting pounded in our head; and heaven forbid some woman or man disagree with that notion. But then, when it comes to the thought of our Significant Other sleeping with someone else, most of us become sick with the thought. Our emotions say otherwise, that sex does hold emotional value. When these men in sexless marriages get on here, suddenly and miraculously, sex is considered a necessary means of connecting with their spouse on an intimate level; but, on the other hand, they are perfectly able to fulfill that need for "emotional connection" with another woman who "honestly" does not mean a darn to them. .....HUH?!!!! :-O

 

All of this backtalk and notion that sex means nothing just confuses me and causes me to understand why these women don't see it as a necessity and, in fact, are put off by it. No one wants to be looked at as nothing more than a sex toy. So, once the daily grind sets in, the exhaustion prevents the libido from fully kicking in unless you push past it and get into it middle of the way in. (And, from my limited experience since I'm a virgin who has only recently attempted masturbation and could not succeed at it and some slight fooling around with my boyfriend, it hurts unless you are seriously into it....) The sex that is supposed to be unnecessary for emotional connection suddenly gets set on the back burner (Disclaimer: Every case is different. I've heard of some men who just skip all intimacy and wooing and just jump straight to the sex part, in which case, I can fully understand a woman checking out; but I'm talking about just basic checking out that I have heard of in limited cases.). Husband doesn't understand why. Most of the guys on here sound like intimacy is a means to get her to have sex. So the woman gets put off by that, too, in getting tired of being seen as a sex toy. Your request to have a side affair only proves that sex is nothing but a recreation, instead of a significant expression of deep, undying love.

 

It's just all so confusing!

 

I've known my boyfriend for six years. We've been seriously together for three of those years. (We're cautious and shy people, in addition to this being a long distance relationship that needs get everything in order.) I KNOW that he loves me dearly; but he has explained the male desires to have sex with whoever, with not wanting to have children by a ton a women being the reason for why he waited. I love him dearly and have to really hold back to wait for the wedding before I take him!

But I worry about that dying down. I love him dearly and would always make sure that his needs and desires are fulfilled; but I want it to always be enjoyable sexually for me, too. If I have to go the route of having sex because I want to see him happy, I will; but I also want to always enjoy it, too, and worry about that dying off; and all of this confusion about whether or not sex is an emotional and intimate act for men is a big thing for me. I am not a sex toy. I'm not a robot or a blow up doll or some street walker to get off on.

 

I suppose a lot of this has to do with how my boyfriend makes me feel loved. And he does, very much. He loves just taking me in his arms and holding me. And I adore that. But I worry... I guess...., especially when I think about him saying that men can just have sex with whoever, as long as they find that woman attractive. LOL.

 

When I think of having sex with him, I think of it very emotionally. I think of it as the ultimate act of love for him. And it gets me going to think of him thinking of it that way, too, which, of late, he has been saying.

 

Ah well.... I guess I'm not sure why I'm bothering with this; but I'm curious about what men will say they think of sex as. So I'll just go ahead and post and observe.

[Jeff1962]

For me sex is about the intimacy. Sharing eachother, knowing eachother. An acceptance, a bond, a solidifier.

[dreamingoftigers]

For me sex is the most deep, special gift I can give to someone I love. It is freedom to act like a slut in a safe and special way LOL I am not even kidding!

 

It is BS-free pleasure that is a total release. It is fantastic and special and the best touching in the world.

 

Unfortunately for my husband it is: that thing you do when sitting on the couch looking at the computer. yay.

 

And this is why we have issues....

[JBelle]

@Jeff: ....But weren't you one of the guys who wanted to have an open marriage since your wife won't have sex with you? Am I mistaken? This is what confuses me....

 

@DreamingOfTigers: Yes, you have put my feels on it so succinctly. "A special gift" and "The freedom to act like a slut in a safe and special way". LOL. I can see how your husband's view on it would really put a damper on things. I thank God I picked a man who seems to see it as special even if he has those other desires.

[quankanne]

sex is a way to bond with your partner, and marriage creates the ultimate intimacy, IMO. Even when it's not as frequent as you might like or as exciting, there's still that high level of intimacy of sharing your body with someone special. And all the other previous "experience" you may have had just falls by the wayside because it just cannot compare with being with someone in a monogamous, intimate relationship.

 

sex takes a nosedive in a married relationship, be it because the kids are wearing you out, work is stressing you out, illness or just plain decreased libido, but it doesn't necessarily mean that quality of intimacy has to go. And I think that ties in with your comment about intimacy being more valuable than sex in a marriage. Or to put it this way, a person can condition him/herself to live without sex, but to be made to live without some kind of intimacy is a kind of cruelty, IMO. Sex is just another way of communicating that intimacy.

 

because of age difference and health reasons, coupled with a declining libido, sex ain't really happening in my marriage. And yes, I get angry to a point where I'm fantasizing about just going out and getting me some, but fantasy only goes to a certain degree: I'm with the person I want to be committed to sexually, and I don't want anyone else. Because despite problems in that area, my husband is wonderful about those little acts of intimacy, and that tells me he's still emotionally vested in our marriage. And that's what keeps me here after nearly 20 years together ...

 

it's all about what you choose to put the emphasis on, and how you respond to situations as they arise, so to speak!

[JBelle]

sex is a way to bond with your partner, and marriage creates the ultimate intimacy, IMO. Even when it's not as frequent as you might like or as exciting, there's still that high level of intimacy of sharing your body with someone special. And all the other previous "experience" you may have had just falls by the wayside because it just cannot compare with being with someone in a monogamous, intimate relationship.

 

sex takes a nosedive in a married relationship, be it because the kids are wearing you out, work is stressing you out, illness or just plain decreased libido, but it doesn't necessarily mean that quality of intimacy has to go. And I think that ties in with your comment about intimacy being more valuable than sex in a marriage. Or to put it this way, a person can condition him/herself to live without sex, but to be made to live without some kind of intimacy is a kind of cruelty, IMO. Sex is just another way of communicating that intimacy.

 

because of age difference and health reasons, coupled with a declining libido, sex ain't really happening in my marriage. And yes, I get angry to a point where I'm fantasizing about just going out and getting me some, but fantasy only goes to a certain degree: I'm with the person I want to be committed to sexually, and I don't want anyone else. Because despite problems in that area, my husband is wonderful about those little acts of intimacy, and that tells me he's still emotionally vested in our marriage. And that's what keeps me here after nearly 20 years together ...

 

it's all about what you choose to put the emphasis on, and how you respond to situations as they arise, so to speak!

 

Thank you for that wonderful insight. Those are some lovely thoughts to ponder on.

I'm happy to hear that you have found someone to love that much who loves you. Good for you.

[Jeff1962]

@Jeff: ....But weren't you one of the guys who wanted to have an open marriage since your wife won't have sex with you? Am I mistaken? This is what confuses me....

 

No, I do not want an open marriage, yyuucckkk.

 

I believe the question was what does sex mean to you, so I answered.

[xxoo]

Sex means different things to me at different times, even with a constant partner.

 

Most of the time, sex is largely about connection and a physical expression of my feelings for him. But not always.

 

Most of the time, it is also about sensation and playfulness/fantasy. But not always.

 

Sometimes it is all about one and none of the other. Most of the time it is a combo of the two, to different extents.

 

For me, personally, having a monogamous, accepting, deeply trusted partner allows me to experience sex in all its forms. We can role play together and have it be simply about fantasy/lust, etc, but we can also have the deepest connections possible between two people as committed, trusted partners. It's the best of all worlds

[giotto]

as a man, sex is a way of connecting and share emotions and closeness with my wife. It's not just the act. I value it at the same level as intimacy, although I would say that for most men sex is more important than intimacy. If your future husband has a high sex drive, I would make sure to keep him satisfied...

 

Having said that, for me, not having sex until you get married (if I understood it correctly) is a recipe for a disaster... if you find out after marriage that you are sexually incompatible what are you going to do? Does he agree with this?

[JBelle]

@Jeff: That was the main question, yes; but I elaborated on it in the paragraph.

 

 

@xxoo: Thank you for your insight!

 

@giotto: Honestly, I'd say most of the time our drives are quite similar. It's just that mine spikes or falls depending. I've always known that I secretly had a fairly high drive due to the fantasies; but I've been damaged emotionally in the past. So I require a lot of trust before I'm willing to let go, hence why it took us so long to get to this point.

Actually, he's quite cautious, too. LOL. Sometimes, when I'm ready to let go of my fears, I find that I've left him behind on occasion.

 

We are both virgins. I'm 24; he's 29. I met him when I was 18, he 23.

 

I'm still a virgin, at this point, for religious reasons and because I don't want to get pregnant on my wedding. LOL.

He is moderately religious (same religion: non-denominational Christians); but sex has always equaled babies in his mind. And he didn't want to end up tied for a lifetime to one or several women he might end up hating in the end, like his uncle.

 

If I agreed now, would he do it? Honestly, I don't know. Sometimes, I think he would; but he's the cautious sort, like me, and wants it to be special.

 

I highly doubt we are incompatible. We have discussed fantasies. There's nothing off base for either of us. Baring some medical reason, it's highly unlikely. We are so much alike.

[waiting4marriage]

@Jeff: That was the main question, yes; but I elaborated on it in the paragraph.

 

 

@xxoo: Thank you for your insight!

 

@giotto: Honestly, I'd say most of the time our drives are quite similar. It's just that mine spikes or falls depending. I've always known that I secretly had a fairly high drive due to the fantasies; but I've been damaged emotionally in the past. So I require a lot of trust before I'm willing to let go, hence why it took us so long to get to this point.

Actually, he's quite cautious, too. LOL. Sometimes, when I'm ready to let go of my fears, I find that I've left him behind on occasion.

 

We are both virgins. I'm 24; he's 29. I met him when I was 18, he 23.

 

I'm still a virgin, at this point, for religious reasons and because I don't want to get pregnant on my wedding. LOL.

He is moderately religious (same religion: non-denominational Christians); but sex has always equaled babies in his mind. And he didn't want to end up tied for a lifetime to one or several women he might end up hating in the end, like his uncle.

 

If I agreed now, would he do it? Honestly, I don't know. Sometimes, I think he would; but he's the cautious sort, like me, and wants it to be special.

 

I highly doubt we are incompatible. We have discussed fantasies. There's nothing off base for either of us. Baring some medical reason, it's highly unlikely. We are so much alike.

 

Congratulations! I wish you two the best. I would like to meet a nice Catholic virgin someday. Sex should be a lot more special for both of you if you are both virgins.

[saltnpepper]

Interesting question.

 

Sex drive comes with the territory. Biologically, men are driven to inseminate as many females as possible, while the female has to selectively choose strong mates. Just the biological backdrop. To get people interested in breeding, we've got this drive plus the feels good factor.

 

I suspect sexual release of one form or another is important because we've got that underlying drive. Most people masturbate. Is that "important" to them or just scratching an itch? I'm not sure about "important."

 

Sex with another can be pretty much scratching the itch mutually. Which takes a bit of armoring or failure to open up. It's OK. Doesn't mean a lot. For me certainly it doesn't mean a notch or a score or something to brag about. But sometimes a couple of people feel like hooking up. That can work fine. I've had a couple of long remote trips where I've hooked up with another traveler and enjoyed our time, but wasn't in love or anything.

 

Then there's fully connected out of this world sex with a loved one. That for me involves much more deeply linked nervous systems, complete focus and immersion in another. I'm not sure about meaning, but it's incredibly bonding. Deeply intermeshing with another. Leaves me different than before.

[JBelle]

@waiting4marriage: Thanks! Yes, this has always been my thoughts on it. I always wanted this to be something special that I shared only with my husband. He knows that he is the only man in my life; and I know that I am the only woman in his life; and it makes me feel loved and special.

I saw your thread. Don't worry. Just be patient. Don't rush things. The right woman/man hits you when you least expect it. It did for us. My boyfriend was starting to despair before I came along, too; and we are just so much in sync it's amazing. Just go about your life while keeping an open mind. You stress about it, and your personality will be buried under desperation and bitterness. Know that there is still a greater ratio of female virgins to male. So you have a better shot.

 

 

@saltnpepper: That's interesting. That would explain my boyfriend's urges to have sex with women he doesn't care about, while still viewing it as special with me.....

Thank you for that. Most guys, including my cousin...., seem to see it as another notch in the bedpost to brag about to his buddies to gain status, however; but your insight would give a reasoning for my boyfriend, who does not see it as a notch in the bedpost. I suppose there was too much confusion of the two in my mind. My boyfriend explained the urges; and my cousin popped up when he said that.

[Jeff1962]

Interesting question.

 

Sex drive comes with the territory. Biologically, men are driven to inseminate as many females as possible, while the female has to selectively choose strong mates. Just the biological backdrop. To get people interested in breeding, we've got this drive plus the feels good factor.

 

I suspect sexual release of one form or another is important because we've got that underlying drive. Most people masturbate. Is that "important" to them or just scratching an itch? I'm not sure about "important."

 

Sex with another can be pretty much scratching the itch mutually. Which takes a bit of armoring or failure to open up. It's OK. Doesn't mean a lot. For me certainly it doesn't mean a notch or a score or something to brag about. But sometimes a couple of people feel like hooking up. That can work fine. I've had a couple of long remote trips where I've hooked up with another traveler and enjoyed our time, but wasn't in love or anything.

 

Then there's fully connected out of this world sex with a loved one. That for me involves much more deeply linked nervous systems, complete focus and immersion in another. I'm not sure about meaning, but it's incredibly bonding. Deeply intermeshing with another. Leaves me different than before.

 

Total BS. Yes, men are inclined to piss all over the place but most men want one good woman to screw their brains out for the rest of their lives contrary to popular belief.

[saltnpepper]

Jeff1962 - you're a moron. There, a matching ad hominem attach. Feel good?

 

The biological backdrop is well established. Not something I made up. Tends to be there in most active creatures. Nicely rooted deep in our brains and being.

 

Doesn't negate that many of us choose to be with one. And explains nicely, as JBelle pointed out, how a guy can distinguish his one special girl from the others he's attracted to.

 

The bragging to buddies part - well. I've never gotten that really. But I'm a loner, so perhaps I'm wired differently.

 

I'm not entirely sure we're really wired for long term monogamy. Might be that we're wired for serial monogamy, like some hunter-gatherer societies.

[in_absentia]

Sex is about being close, making each other feel amazing, it's one of the things you do with each other that you don't do with anybody else. It's about being naked with each other comfortable and happy with it without being embarassed. I absolutely love having sex with my bf but have a medical condition meaning I rarely can anymore, and I don't know if I'll ever get fixed (5 years diagnosis brings no answers) and it absolutely breaks my heart that we're missing out on this part of our relationship that we used to share

 

Please don't EVER take having sex for granted.