BF is conflicted about future

[Ingenue]

I'd love some advice on this. My bf and I have been dating for 15 months. We are very compatible, essentially believe the same things and our chemistry is amazing.

 

Recently, I've found out that my bf, for reasons that are too long-winded to divulge now, does not necessarily desire to ever get married or live common-law. It isn't me, but he objects to the institution of marriage and living together in theory. He is a very theoretical person and a principled person who has conflicts in his head of how to reconcile his theories with reality. I think he could see me as a girlfriend forever, but I'm not particularly keen to be a gf for the next 40 years.

 

So my question is what do I do? He is genuinely conflicted. He's not deliberately trying to string me along, but honestly conflicted to the point where he's paralyzed by indecision. He acknowledges that his ideas/theories could all be wrong. I've told him that we all need to make decisions in life and they may be the wrong decisions for the future, but the right ones for the present.

 

I would like for him to try to reconcile these ideas in his head and understand that you can still live an alternative lifestyle even if you're cohabitating.

 

So, do I wait and how long? Do I break up with this amazing guy who I love intensely because we're at different points in our lives? Do I try to talk it out more with him so he can clarify it in his head? I really don't know what to do.

[Pfiend101]

How old are you both?

[Ingenue]

I'm in my early 30s. He is in his mid 30s

[spiderowl]

Been there, done that, had that boyfriend and later husband (as he agreed it would be sensible to marry if we had children), but I always felt I'd been cheated out of that romance. I also think he was not fully committed at some level and was carrying a torch for someone else, though this was never one of his 'reasons'.

 

If I had that time again, I would go back and say "sorry, but I'm looking for something with romance, love and commitment and this isn't working". Don't ask for it, just say what you need and that this isn't it. Forget his 'reasons'; leave him to tie himself up in knots about it. What matters here and now is your underlying feelings about his decision. And do not forget, he is the one making the decisions - where is your choice in the matter? This says a whole lot about where the power lies in your relationship.

 

At the time this happened to me, my confidence was so low I didn't think anyone else would want me. In that respect, I accepted my lot. Looking back, my lack of confidence was linked to this situation where I felt I was not valued and not worthy of what others expected as of right. You don't need to accept this and to undervalue yourself. You are worth the full works, the heartfelt commitment.

 

For what it's worth, my ex did love me and would still do almost anything for me, but my heart still tells me it wasn't all there and I deserved the true commitment thing. All along we were definitely living on his terms. I can see that now that I look back. I won't be treated like that again.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[Yamaha]

I don't think the decision is his but yours.

 

What will you do if he continues in this line of thinking?

 

Is just being a gf enough of a committment?

 

He's old enough to know what he wants so I doubt that he will willingly change is level of committment to you.

[Pfiend101]

I can see why someone would not want to get married (without a pre-nup). Financially it isn't a really good move. As long as your happy with each other I don't see any reason to break up over it.

[Ingenue]

I don't know if he'll change his ideas about marriage and commonlaw. He is genuinely conflicted. I see it written across his face. If he follows his ideas and theories, he lives a very solitary life. What's an idealogue to do?

 

I would ultimately like him to understand that it never has to be such a either/or black and white decision.

 

I'm just torn because currently I don't feel lacking in the relationship. He is incredibly affectionate, loves me, listens to me, is there for me, is committed (as a bf can be), is kind, sensitive, compassionate and really loving. I don't want to get married or live together yet. I would just like to know if we're walking on the same path. But if his ideals don't permit that, I don't think I can change his ideals. Blah

[boogieboy]

Youre not going to change his mind, only he will. If you want to lifve out the rest of your days not being able to live with him, then proceed. Otherwise, cut him loose. He wont change his mind anyway until you leave him.

[Ingenue]

I guess it's all a moot point now anyways. We broke up yesterday. We had a long talk and decided to break up, or rather take some time apart. I told him we should take about a month apart so that he can think and so I can think.

 

I'm sad.

[torranceshipman]

Ingenue, given the information about your break up...I think he was saying that stuff to try to make the break up softer. I'd expect that he realized you two weren't completely right for eachother and saw things ending. The BEST thing you can possibly do is walk away completely and go NC, and work on moving on from day one of NC, because if you obsess completely (normal with a break up!) over his 'reasons' then you might drive yourself mad. Walk away because there is a much better guy out there for you.

[Ingenue]

I'm not sure if he was feeding me BS to cushion it. I brought up the break-up. He is genuinely a guy who is conflicted. I see it written across his face and he oftentimes is rendered paralyzed by over-analysis of a given situation. He lives in his head and is trying to come to terms with a lot of different theories that are jumbled about.

 

Regardless of the reasons, it's true that I simply need to focus on myself and realize that we're in two different places. He might be in the same place months from now or years from now. But until (and if) that time arrives, I need to find what I'm looking for.