Sassafras Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Please bear with me as this is my first post. I'm 34, he's 38. We were introduced just before Christmas by a mutual friend. I had done nothing but date in 2009 so I was pretty burned out by the process and went out with him with no real expectations. Within a week, I'd met his friends (3 New Year's Eve parties) and at 3 weeks I met his family. All his doing. He was the first to change his FB status to "In a relationship". Soon after he bought a toothbrush for me to stay at his place and brought one for him to my place. I continued to meet more of his friends in the meantime. We waited on intimacy as he didn't want me to be "just another woman he f***ed". he told me early on that he had a wall up due to being hurt in the past (don't we all?). We had a fabulous time for 3 months (short compared to many of your relationships, but it was wonderful). We got along famously. Similar personalities, had a fabulous time together, great conversations, etc. He'd make comments about the "next time he got married" (married for 8 years, divorced for 4) and even jokingly referred to me as his wife on one occasion. I never pressured him for anything. I work nights so every night that I wasn't working I was with him at his request. I was exhausted, but happy beyond belief. He was very affectionate and got upset once when I told him I wouldn't be staying the night because I had to be up early the next day for a long shift. Even asked what I was going to do when things got more serious (i.e. keep going home instead of staying the night, which I did many many times). As the relationship grew, I met even more of his friends and visited his parents another 3 times. I grew to love them all. Wonderful people. His friends would tell me that they had noticed a significant difference in his personality since we started dating. He was a much happier, at ease person. Money was tight for both of us. He owns his own business but due to the economy, it's not doing so well these days. We discussed money issues and I always paid my fair share for things. He told me the collection agencies were calling, that he couldn't pay his mortgage and his car payment. His cable was even shut off at one point. I knew he was struggling but did what I could to make the financial burden between us even. The last week that we were together, he was discussing the plans for us for the next weekend and another weekend in early April. He threw a St. Patrick's day party that he wanted me to attend but I had to work that weekend so I took a vacation day to attend. We had a FABULOUS time at the party and everything seemed great. Got up the next morning, made breakfast and he wanted to go to the local coffee shop. I declined because I had to work that night and needed to get home to go back to sleep. We kissed goodbye. ONE day later he called with the dreaded words "We need to talk" and wanted me to come over to do so. I declined and told him that he need to tell me what was going on. I asked if he didn't want to see me anymore and he said no. WTF???!!! I have wracked my brain trying to think of anytime he seemed withdrawn and there were NONE. I'm not so delusional that I would have missed them. When I went to see him to return an item of his and pick up some of my things he was SO cold to me. He said, "It's not you, it's me. I don't want to lead you on. I'm bad at relationships. I'm sorry." In the beginning I thought he'd said something similar and decided to ask him about it since I wasn't about to get involved with someone who was bad at relationships. He admitted that after his divorce he was a "man whore". If you were a woman who wanted sex, he was the guy they came to. I didn't mind that as we all have a past but he said that he hadn't said that he was bad at relationships, simply not "used to them". I'm completely lost and feel so empty inside. This break-up literally came out of nowhere. Fine one day, ready to call it quits the next. When past relationships have ended, as much as they hurt, I knew that the time had come. I'm absolutely at a loss as to what happened. I know that money was a huge stress for him as he stands to lose his business, his house, and his car. The day we broke up he told me that he'd had a huge verbal altercation with a neighbor (very unlike him) and that something else major had happened, but I don't know what. He just wasn't himself that day at all. Is it possible that the financial stress took over him and he thought to himself "How am I going to be able to support this woman that I care for when I can't even provide for myself?" We never said "I love you" to each other as the relationship was still so new. However, I was definitely falling for him. Do any of you think it's a possibility that he'll come back once he gets his life in order? The last Sunday we were together was a lazy day. He changed the oil in his truck, we cleaned out his garage, took the dog for a walk in the neighborhood and stopped in at a couple of neighbor's homes. Everything was FINE. I'm just so completely heartbroken and lost. Nothing about this break-up makes sense or feels right. I know he has his reasons and I've had NC for just over a week (since we broke up). I'll continue to respect his wishes in the meantime and won't contact him, but not knowing WTF went wrong is killing me. It just doesn't make sense. I'm so sorry that this is so long, but I really needed to get this out. I could use any words of encouragement or advice that you guys can give me. Please help me make sense of this. Thanks so much for reading my story.
Author Sassafras Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 I wanted to add that he told me he wasn't happy in his "man whore" days and that he wanted something more than that. Just wanted to make that known.
Author Sassafras Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 (edited) I'm sorry to bump this back up but could really use some insight and any advice or words of encouragement you guys may have. Thanks so much! I just really want this one back and would like to know if any of you think it could be a possibility. I know that noone can say for sure, but your opinions are needed and greatly appreciated! Edited March 25, 2010 by Sassafras
DustySaltus Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 It's sounds like things progressed very quickly between the two of you. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I've been in my share of situations where things were going well and then just grinded to a sudden halt. Men are prideful creatures. We don't like to show any signs of weakness. When things get bad some people dig in and other people run for the hills. He has a lot of stress and it was too much for him to deal with at this point. I think that the best thing to do is to stick to NC at this point, focus on yourself and if he comes back it will be for the right reasons. But I would not let him back into your life without him saying that he made a big mistake and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. What he did was selfish, but at this point he feels like he needs to be selfish. Time for you to get selfish too.
Author Sassafras Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Thank you so much for your reply. My gut feeling is that he left due to financial reasons. I remember going through it myself several years ago and it absolutely consumes your life. It was the most stressful time I can remember. NC is hard, but I've never been one to beg someone to be with me. I'll continue with it though and we'll see what happens. Again, thanks so much.
Rearden Metal Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 It's sounds like things progressed very quickly between the two of you. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I've been in my share of situations where things were going well and then just grinded to a sudden halt. Men are prideful creatures. We don't like to show any signs of weakness. When things get bad some people dig in and other people run for the hills. He has a lot of stress and it was too much for him to deal with at this point. I think that the best thing to do is to stick to NC at this point, focus on yourself and if he comes back it will be for the right reasons. But I would not let him back into your life without him saying that he made a big mistake and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. What he did was selfish, but at this point he feels like he needs to be selfish. Time for you to get selfish too. I gotta ditto this. Unsurprising, since it's coming from Dusty. Us dudes have a terrible time with the weakness associated with financial troubles. I think your guy NEEDS to be selfish and get himself situated before he can deal with the demands of a relationship. He said himself that he was bad at this stuff. And I tend to believe him. It's one of those rare times that "it's not you, it's me" is actually true. Give him space and get yourself back to normal. If he returns, make sure he's really clear about what happened, what's different and what he wants.
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