random122 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I went out with my now-ex for about 7 months. She wanted to remain a virgin until married and did not want to do any sexual things like oral or hand-jobs (initially she gave 3 HJs and tried but could not finish oral 3 or 4 times), but she also insisted that I not masturbate to any girl but her (regardless of if it was porn or not). I thought this wasn't any of her business, especially since she didn't want to do anything sex related, but I went along with it. During the last three months of the relationship, we were essentially living together, and she would often strip naked and bend over against a wall or spread eagle on a bed to tease me. In addition to this, she would often grind on top of me when my clothes were on to stimulate herself, but she was very uncomfortable with me "relieving" myself in either of these two circumstances. She was not at all comfortable with me getting off with her as visual stimuli. After a while, I had it with the sexual frustration, her intransigence on the issue of my masturbation (she had never masturbated or orgasmed before), and other non-sexual issues in the relationship. So, I broke up with her. The non-sexual things (like the tone/character of our arguments, time demands, love "languages' etc) would have been issues in the long run, but the sexual issues necessitated, in my opinion, some decision in the short run because I could no longer take it. She's held the fact that I broke up with her over this against me since, and we haven't been able to resume being friends in the way that I would like to (she was my best friend, but for now she only wants to be around me when we're around mutual friends...she also doesn't want any direct communication until the next school year starts). Additionally, I believe she's been telling her friends half of the story (maybe telling them I broke up with her because she wouldn't "please" me), because she says that they say I'm an ******* she should stay away from. She's an intensely private person, so I doubt she's told them about the naked teasing, grinding, etc, and I don't think her friends have been getting the whole picture. In my opinion, this has all been tragic comedy, but I don't blame her for having her rule regardless of how impractical I think it is. So Was I an ******* for deciding to break up over this? What to do? *And just to clarify, it WAS something I had tried to talk to her about before making a decision, but a lot of times these talks would blow up into our worst/most pitched arguments. Also, I did request that we stop being physical in the way we were, just to make things easier, but it never lasted.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 No, this was not a horrible reason to break up with someone. You simply can't have it both ways. Either you are having sex or you aren't. It is simply not fair or right to ask someone not to have sex and then torture them with it. The fact that she ignored your feelings on the subject shows distinct immaturity.
lsb Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 No you weren't an *******. She shouldn't have been teasing you if she didn't want anything sexual. And she wasn't grasping that your needs weren't being met. It seems like she isn't ready for sex. It seems like she think it is a game.
hoping2heal Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I went out with my now-ex for about 7 months. She wanted to remain a virgin until married and did not want to do any sexual things like oral or hand-jobs (initially she gave 3 HJs and tried but could not finish oral 3 or 4 times), but she also insisted that I not masturbate to any girl but her (regardless of if it was porn or not). I thought this wasn't any of her business, especially since she didn't want to do anything sex related, but I went along with it. During the last three months of the relationship, we were essentially living together, and she would often strip naked and bend over against a wall or spread eagle on a bed to tease me. In addition to this, she would often grind on top of me when my clothes were on to stimulate herself, but she was very uncomfortable with me "relieving" myself in either of these two circumstances. She was not at all comfortable with me getting off with her as visual stimuli. After a while, I had it with the sexual frustration, her intransigence on the issue of my masturbation (she had never masturbated or orgasmed before), and other non-sexual issues in the relationship. So, I broke up with her. The non-sexual things (like the tone/character of our arguments, time demands, love "languages' etc) would have been issues in the long run, but the sexual issues necessitated, in my opinion, some decision in the short run because I could no longer take it. She's held the fact that I broke up with her over this against me since, and we haven't been able to resume being friends in the way that I would like to (she was my best friend, but for now she only wants to be around me when we're around mutual friends...she also doesn't want any direct communication until the next school year starts). Additionally, I believe she's been telling her friends half of the story (maybe telling them I broke up with her because she wouldn't "please" me), because she says that they say I'm an ******* she should stay away from. She's an intensely private person, so I doubt she's told them about the naked teasing, grinding, etc, and I don't think her friends have been getting the whole picture. In my opinion, this has all been tragic comedy, but I don't blame her for having her rule regardless of how impractical I think it is. So Was I an ******* for deciding to break up over this? What to do? *And just to clarify, it WAS something I had tried to talk to her about before making a decision, but a lot of times these talks would blow up into our worst/most pitched arguments. Also, I did request that we stop being physical in the way we were, just to make things easier, but it never lasted. No you aren't an a-hole at all. You tried to be understanding and she sounds extremely sexually confused. I don't think she knows what she wants or where she stands and that is not your fault. Do you know if she was previously sexually abused or assaulted ever? From the way she acts it seems like that is a possibility. Either that or she's setting herself up to be a very manipulative and coniving person.
Author random122 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 No you aren't an a-hole at all. You tried to be understanding and she sounds extremely sexually confused. I don't think she knows what she wants or where she stands and that is not your fault. Do you know if she was previously sexually abused or assaulted ever? From the way she acts it seems like that is a possibility. Either that or she's setting herself up to be a very manipulative and coniving person. I'm not sure. She was particularly sensitive about rape scenes in movies and I remember her crying and telling me I lacked empathy when I said that I disagreed with her opinion that rapists should get the death penalty. I tried talking to her about her history but she said she didnt remember and didn't really want to talk about it. She was really sensitive to women's issues in general, and a lot of arguments would degenerate into this weird language. Even the sex discussions were about my frustration with her not fulfilling her "womanly obligations" as she put it. It was really frustrating in general.
hoping2heal Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I'm not sure. She was particularly sensitive about rape scenes in movies and I remember her crying and telling me I lacked empathy when I said that I disagreed with her opinion that rapists should get the death penalty. I tried talking to her about her history but she said she didnt remember and didn't really want to talk about it. She was really sensitive to women's issues in general, and a lot of arguments would degenerate into this weird language. Even the sex discussions were about my frustration with her not fulfilling her "womanly obligations" as she put it. It was really frustrating in general. Well, it could just be coincidence but the fact that she said she "Didn't remember" leads me to believe it's possible there was some sort of sexual assault or abuse in her past. That would also explain why she would act out sexually - actually that was the first thing that tipped me off - was the explicit way she would act out sexually - that signals a little bit more than someone who is just "confused". Confused is one thing - this is quite another. I do have to say I feel sympathy for her because I know how hard it is to have those feelings and not understand them. I imagine she feels really alone and likely isolated. I wish someone could get her some help.
ADF Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 You were absolutely right to break up with her. There is this big lie in the culture that says sex shouldn't be that important, that if you really love someone you'll wait for nearly any length of time, blah, blah, blah. It's rubbish. Sexual rejection hurts. When a person rejects you sexual, they send a clear message: "I don't want you." To make matters worse, your ex-Gf was a domineering control freak. She has a right to repress her own sexuality is she wants to. She has no right to try to force you to repress yours. Hell, she actively taunted you sexually to frustrate you. This woman is a MONSTER. You are well rid of her! And I wouldn't worry about what she tells her friends. They probably know her well enough to know she's an idiot.
Author random122 Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 Well, it could just be coincidence but the fact that she said she "Didn't remember" leads me to believe it's possible there was some sort of sexual assault or abuse in her past. That would also explain why she would act out sexually - actually that was the first thing that tipped me off - was the explicit way she would act out sexually - that signals a little bit more than someone who is just "confused". Confused is one thing - this is quite another. I do have to say I feel sympathy for her because I know how hard it is to have those feelings and not understand them. I imagine she feels really alone and likely isolated. I wish someone could get her some help. Yeah, it's unfortunate. She's definitely going to have issues with relationships in the future as well. She is a prime person to be cheated on because she is way too trusting given her demands. For instance, right now she is going out with a guy who talked to her about how hot lesbians were and tried to kiss her 12 times on the first date. I highly doubt he's actually living up to her standards, but to a point I'm not even sure if she really cares about that in all honesty.
Author random122 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Definitely still having problems...wake up every day thinking about this girl even though I'm dating someone new now. What should I do? I'm really having a hard time getting into this new relationship because the girl is so busy...I'm also a little afraid because this girl wants to lose her virginity on her wedding night as well. I don't know what else she thinks...should I just square with her about my last relationship? She knows the girl.
boogieboy Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Definitely still having problems...wake up every day thinking about this girl even though I'm dating someone new now. What should I do? I'm really having a hard time getting into this new relationship because the girl is so busy...I'm also a little afraid because this girl wants to lose her virginity on her wedding night as well. I don't know what else she thinks...should I just square with her about my last relationship? She knows the girl. #1, you had good reason to break up with the ex, you shouldnt be talking to her now. She wont talk to you because she cant handle the breakup because shes a control freak and thought she had you wrapped around her finger. #2 stop dating virgins. #3 dont tell the new girl about the old one because she will take it as pressure from you to have sex. Go get a girl whos experienced.
Author random122 Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 #1, you had good reason to break up with the ex, you shouldnt be talking to her now. She wont talk to you because she cant handle the breakup because shes a control freak and thought she had you wrapped around her finger. #2 stop dating virgins. #3 dont tell the new girl about the old one because she will take it as pressure from you to have sex. Go get a girl whos experienced. Easier said then done...for some reason I attract them. I've been told I seem like a good guy who doesn't drink, smoke, etc, so maybe that's it. The thing is, I don't know what's going on with me right now. I think about my ex every day I wake up, dream about her 3 to 4 times a week, and this has been happening for months... I mean, I know she's less than ideal, but in other ways we clicked so well. I'm fairly certain I just need to meet more girls, but more than ever it seems like there's a dearth of quality girls around.
boogieboy Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I mean, I know she's less than ideal, but in other ways we clicked so well. I'm fairly certain I just need to meet more girls, but more than ever it seems like there's a dearth of quality girls around. Funny you should mention quality, because your ex was not quality the way she treated you. You think you clicked well, but she probably doesnt see it the same way. She couldnt have when she acted like that. Theres plenty of quality girls around you, especially if youre just dating virgins, you just need to make an effort to let your ex go, and give someone new a chance.
Author random122 Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Ahhh, this girl is still making me sick and the new girl i'm dating is pretty unavailable...
Author random122 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 So...updates...i'm the girl i was dating's boyfriend now...turns out that I REALLY misinterpreted what she was saying. We have sex at least 2 times a day..........the girl actually likes sex more than I do (unbelievable). Problem is, we're apart now because of the summer break, and the feelings for the first girl are surging back...i still think about her when i wake up, and last night i had a dream about her. also, im feeling that i've already plateaued emotionally with the girl i'm with now; i have nothing more to give her...i'd feel insincere in calling her "my girl" or "baby" or anything like that, but she's really into me. i really care about this girl though, and dont want to hurt her, but i feel that i may have been licking my wounds with her rather than really having feelings now that we've separated for the summer. oh, and i took her virginity too
linwood Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Are you kidding? I can`t believe you took that crap for as long as you did. You sound young so I want you to give this whole situation some thought. She was using sex/desire to try to control you (granted in a very inexperienced manner). Many women will try to do this to you throughout you life in many different ways. Never allow it, it`s an instant dealbreaker.
This Hurts Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I'm not sure. She was particularly sensitive about rape scenes in movies and I remember her crying and telling me I lacked empathy when I said that I disagreed with her opinion that rapists should get the death penalty. I tried talking to her about her history but she said she didnt remember and didn't really want to talk about it. She was really sensitive to women's issues in general, and a lot of arguments would degenerate into this weird language. Even the sex discussions were about my frustration with her not fulfilling her "womanly obligations" as she put it. It was really frustrating in general. As a victim of child sexual abuse, I would say she was sexually abused. I understand where your frustration would come from and I don't think you were wrong for breaking up with her. But I also think maybe you should try to speak to her or someone close to her about this to try to get her some help. She might seem functional (or at least semi-functional ) right now, but this can get worst for her. Sexual abuse can lead to some very destructive things, including suicide, even many years after it happened. By the way, I didn't read any other replies beyond the one I quoted, so I apologize if I missed anything.
Author random122 Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 i tried to do so much reading about it when i was going out w/ her, but none of it worked...i still dont understand to this day
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