helgaisbroken Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 (edited) Good evening to everyone in charge of running this forum. I'm new to this and I don't know how this works. Somehow my post got deleted or isn't showing up so I'll shorten my story. I cheated on my man of 5 man with a co-worker on Feb. 14 (Valentine's Day) while intoxicated but never slept with him. We made out, cuddled, watched each other masturbate and he fingered me. However I felt guilty and couldn't proceed it to the next stage. It got to the point I started crying. In that instance there was a knock the door and I panicked. I had forgotten that he was coming to surprise that day but luckily there was an attic. My co-worker hide there and to this day my boyfriend is unaware of what happened. Can someone please help me on how do I tell him what I done? What is the least painful way of informing him about it. I'll be the best girlfriend from now on. I've felt this type of deep connection for a man before. Just so you know my background: I used to played with men's feelings, used them to buy me items, stood them up on dates, insulted some and ditch one after another but never cheated. I've done this from ages 13 all the whole to my adulthood, was player back then who would get bored fast. This time is different because I cheated and for the first time there is this overwhelming guilt. Can someone help me please. I know most of you might think I don't love him but it's happening. This is the first I've ever felt that way towards a man before. Edited March 18, 2010 by helgaisbroken
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 So you like to toy with men's feelings and you've done it again? You need help lady. You need professional help. Confess and change yes, but you need to follow through, why is this man visiting you at your home! that's extremely disrespectful. Tell and be free.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 (edited) So you like to toy with men's feelings and you've done it again? You need help lady. You need professional help.Those were my old ways and would used them for the thrill of it. I learned from a friend after being a teenager and we got into the habit of it but it's different with my boyfriend. I've been crying about this for several days. Confess and change yes, but you need to follow through, why is this man visiting you at your home! that's extremely disrespectful. Tell and be free.I'll lose him for sure if he knew about it since it was Valentine's Day on that day. Regardless I'll be confessing within 5 days. I want him in my life. I wish there was a less painful way of confessing. If he decides to work it out how long will it take to fix this? Edited March 18, 2010 by helgaisbroken
FryFish Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I want him in my life. I wish there was a less painful way of confessing. If he decides to work it out how long will it take to fix this? lol... This is the first time you cheated on him or the first time you felt bad about it? And as for how long it will take to "fix" this... Ill tell you AFTER you confess.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 This is a life changing decision. there is no time limit to you fixing things, or sweeping them under the rug. It takes time but first once you confess, your man will go through emotional upheaval, it will not be easy, it will not be pleasant. he might just outright leave you, all things considered but it takes a real woman to confess her sins. I commend you for wanting to tell the truth. If he wants to stay together you need some Independant counciling. and figure out a way you always held such self destructive actions within you.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 lol... This is the first time you cheated on him or the first time you felt bad about it? And as for how long it will take to "fix" this... Ill tell you AFTER you confess.Yes this is the first I cheated on him and this guilt is overwhelming. Are you going to help or what? I asked for advice and help not being laugh at.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 This is a life changing decision. there is no time limit to you fixing things, or sweeping them under the rug. It takes time but first once you confess, your man will go through emotional upheaval, it will not be easy, it will not be pleasant. he might just outright leave you, all things considered but it takes a real woman to confess her sins. I commend you for wanting to tell the truth. If he wants to stay together you need some Independant counciling. and figure out a way you always held such self destructive actions within you.I think it mainly has to do with not having a father figure in the household. I never knew (and still don't know) who fathered me. Thanks for your inputs and I'll be confessing 5 days later. I can't do it now or tomorrow because I have to clear my mind and know how I will tell him. I don't want to be crying while confessing. I hope he gives me another chance. If not then I'll know it's well deserved.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I think if he's sincere about it and remorseful about it, he might but there's no guarantees. And the thing about your father is you need answers and although i wouldnt be placing the blame on that as to why you are the way you are, you are a grown adult you make your own choices in life. You need to put the puzzles together, there's alot of work to be done.
Bryanp Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I also commend you for wanting to tell him the truth since he deserves it. Either you have a relationship based on honesty and respect or lies and deceit. I would suggest you sit your boyfriend down and give him a letter that you have written explaining what happened and how remorseful you are. Ask him not to say anything until he has completed reading the letter. This way you will say all of the things you wanted to say and will not be crying to get the words out. I just don't understand that if you love your boyfriend so much then why would you have done this to him? Would you boyfriend do anything so disrespecting to you? If you truly love someone then it would be hard to imagine that you would have any desire to do this. What am I missing? Good luck.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 I think if he's sincere about it and remorseful about it, he might but there's no guarantees.If he were to give me another chance (I doubt it), I would be on my knees already. I'll do anything to make myself worth his trust again. And the thing about your father is you need answers and although i wouldnt be placing the blame on that as to why you are the way you are, you are a grown adult you make your own choices in life.I've always wanted to know who my father was but every time I asked my mother or other family member, they would changed the subject immediately or say I doesn't know.If there was a way of finding out, I would be searching for him but there isn't.
JaneInVegas Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Helga, I'm going to change it up here a little bit with this off the wall opinion, but I'm thinking maybe you should keep this one under wraps. Seriously. If you honestly believe you will never do this again, and you really truly love this guy, then try to get over the guilt and just resolve yourself to never making this mistake again. Chalk it up to a painful lesson learned, let that be the end of it.
Author helgaisbroken Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 I would suggest you sit your boyfriend down and give him a letter that you have written explaining what happened and how remorseful you are. Ask him not to say anything until he has completed reading the letter. This way you will say all of the things you wanted to say and will not be crying to get the words out.Thanks you for the suggestion. It's better to have it written down so I'll have a full explanation of what I did that day, how I felt and why it happened. I'll begin writing the letter tomorrow in the morning and then give it to him. I just don't understand that if you love your boyfriend so much then why would you have done this to him? Would you boyfriend do anything so disrespecting to you? If you truly love someone then it would be hard to imagine that you would have any desire to do this. What am I missing? Good luck.The co-worker and me were both intoxicated but that's still not a good reason. I've been trying to figure out what went on to me. He doesn't deserve this and yet I treated him like absolute dirt.
seibert253 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Helga, I'm going to change it up here a little bit with this off the wall opinion, but I'm thinking maybe you should keep this one under wraps. Seriously. If you honestly believe you will never do this again, and you really truly love this guy, then try to get over the guilt and just resolve yourself to never making this mistake again. Chalk it up to a painful lesson learned, let that be the end of it. Running from your demons will never make them go away. They will continue to follow you until you face them. Kind of like a bully, they will continue to follow and bully you until you stand up for yourself and not allow them to bully you any longer. Jane I understand your reasoning, but I don't agree. Hiding your head in the sand and pretending nothing happened never resolves the true issue. Leads to the thinking that "well, I got away with that before, maybe I can get away with it again". Some can pretend and move on, others can't. For those who can't, but try, there's usually an explosion months or years down the road. There's an old saying that IMO runs true, get the bad news out early. It avoids the appearence of a cover up. It's usually not the original crime that destroys you, but the cover up.
FryFish Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Are you going to help or what? I asked for advice and help not being laugh at. Have you confessed yet?
Disintegration Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 I'm all for being honest with your bf. I don't think just because the severity of it isn't as bad as intercourse, you still cheated. He has every right to know what went on. You owe him that atleast. I wish you luck, I'm sure he'll be hurt but you'd only hurt him more keeping the truth from him. Don't be that deceptive person, I think he will appreciate the fact that you confessed instead of hiding it forever. I always say the longer you wait to confess the worse off it will be.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Helga, I'm going to change it up here a little bit with this off the wall opinion, but I'm thinking maybe you should keep this one under wraps. Seriously. If you honestly believe you will never do this again, and you really truly love this guy, then try to get over the guilt and just resolve yourself to never making this mistake again. Chalk it up to a painful lesson learned, let that be the end of it. With respect, I disagree. People who are totally happy in their relationships don't cheat -- they don't need to. There is something Helga's not getting in her relationship, which she figured she'd get with the OM. She stopped because the guilt kicked in, which is good. The problem is that the "need" that wasn't being fulfilled, STILL isn't being fulfilled. And the BF has no idea, presumably, what that need is, or that Helga almost screwed another guy to get that need met. She should have spoken to him about the unmet need to see if he could meet it, but it appears she didn't do that. Unfortunately, the method she chose to meet the need was destructive, and potentially a death blow to the relationship. The most disturbing thing is that she decided to do this, in the home she shares with her BF, on Valentine's Day, when she already knew (though she says she'd forgotten) that her BF was expected home shortly. That's a huge combination of disrespectful factors. I'm having difficulty seeing this as something than an elaborate "f*** you" directed at the BF over the unmet need.
Jeff1962 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Helga, I'm going to change it up here a little bit with this off the wall opinion, but I'm thinking maybe you should keep this one under wraps. Seriously. If you honestly believe you will never do this again, and you really truly love this guy, then try to get over the guilt and just resolve yourself to never making this mistake again. Chalk it up to a painful lesson learned, let that be the end of it. I'm sorry, I disagree. A relationship is built on honesty. I would rather know the full truth than live a lie.
ladydesigner Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Helga, I'm going to change it up here a little bit with this off the wall opinion, but I'm thinking maybe you should keep this one under wraps. Seriously. If you honestly believe you will never do this again, and you really truly love this guy, then try to get over the guilt and just resolve yourself to never making this mistake again. Chalk it up to a painful lesson learned, let that be the end of it. I agree with this.
2sunny Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 no need to tell. the right thing to do would be to break up with him - giving yourself plenty of time (may take even years) of therapy of why you have worked from this operating method and how to make sure it NEVER looks that way again. this is a plan for both you and him. to stay with him while you are discovering what you want to be is just selfish. you have a lot of work to do. the other thing to be sure of - never drink again. ever. if this is what it gets you - stay completely away from it. can you do those things?
troggleputty Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 um helga... what's the problem? You got away with it. Don't blow things up out of proportion by confessing. That doesn't make any sense. Just let it go, forget about it, and move on.
lkjh Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I love how the people who have cheated in the past and are now miserable from it advise not to tell. Facing your problems is the only way to deal with them
jnj express Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 Helga---how did you handle the situation with your BF at your house, or apt., and your ONS in the attic. How did you interact with your BF, thru that encounter, how did you get ONS out w/out your BF, knowing. You need to be careful, in that your BF, may have percieved something was wrong, or going on right then and there. The sooner you tell the better off---just tell your BF, everything, get it out, and go from there---be honest, and what ever happens, happens. Be remorseful, contrite, and transparent. Tell your Bf, what you intend to do, to make things work, and stick to your plan. See how he handles what you have done, then you will react to what he does---that's all you can really do.
Jeff1962 Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I love how the people who have cheated in the past and are now miserable from it advise not to tell. Facing your problems is the only way to deal with them Exactly. I think some of them are afraid of losing their lifestyle. I think others are afraid that their spouse will seek revenge with another.
2.50 a gallon Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I agree with Jane, keep this to yourself. I think if you confess this will destroy your relationship. It will probably destroy him, and even it doesn't the relationship will never be the same. He will always have doubts, and probably hold it over your head. If you do confess, it will take months if not longer for him to get over it. You are young, you made a mistake, chalk it up experience, learn from your mistake and never do it again. I am all for honesty in a relationship, but you can also be too honest.
Trojan John Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I agree with Jane, keep this to yourself. I think if you confess this will destroy your relationship. It will probably destroy him, and even it doesn't the relationship will never be the same. He will always have doubts, and probably hold it over your head. If you do confess, it will take months if not longer for him to get over it. You are young, you made a mistake, chalk it up experience, learn from your mistake and never do it again. I am all for honesty in a relationship, but you can also be too honest. "Too honest" would be telling your SO the size, shape and smell of something you just left in the toilet. He has a right to know and decide whether or not he still wants to be with her after this, regardless of the level of harm it may inflict on him.
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