Should I Ask Him About His Ex? ...... (How much do u know about ur s/o's past?)

March 7, 2010

I had a bit of a bad surprise on New Year's day and it's been popping in my head on & off for the past 3 months ...

______________________________________________________

In a nutshell

: We were having new year's dinner at his parent's place with his brother and sister in law (+ their kids), when one of the kids randomly said that their mom (= my boyfriend's brother's wife) has a twin sister. I almost choked on my soup, because my boyfriend told me about a year ago that his ex fiancee had a twin sister.

So

I immediately realized that he and his brother were basically dating twins at some point, and while his brother ended up marrying one twin, it didn't work out for my

bf

and the other twin.

Although I quickly thought that maybe that wasn't the case at all, and maybe it was just a coincidence.

An hour later, I came back from the kitchen and found my boyfriend sitting awkwardly in the living room, with his sister in law whispering something like "it would be really nice if you could come". He seemed very uncomfortable. I sat down next to him and she was like "(my name) can come too of course". And I was like "Oh, where? :)" And she said she was organizing a little get together that evening at her place with her sister.

At that point, I still didn't actually know whether the whole twin thing was a coincidence or not.

So

I was like "sure, why not", but I noticed my boyfriend was uncomfortable and didn't seem like he wanted to go,

so

I was like "well, he has to get up really early tomorrow and

so

do I,

so

I guess maybe not". He seemed relieved.

Needless to say we didn't end up going.

On our way back home in the car, I asked him about it, and he admitted that he had basically had a relationship with his sister-in-law's twin.

______________________________________________________

I was speechless and froze up, not knowing how to react. I guess part of me felt hurt because he had never told me. And I just find the whole situation weird.

He seemed very concerned about my feelings (which I think is the reason why he had never brought it up to begin with). He hasn't brought it up since, and neither have I.

I didn't want to impulsively bring up negativity right then, because I wanted to give myself some time to digest it. I figured maybe when the initial shock has faded, I won't even feel the need to actually discuss the ex. But it's been 3 months now, and it's still bugging me. Not much, but it's just kind of there.

I'm hesitating to bring it up because our relationship is absolutely perfect. And I know that one bad conversation can really mess things up on the long run.

With my ex for example, we used to discuss absolutely everything very openly. And while it seemed healthy at first, it ended up making me bitter about certain things. Especially about his past relationships. There were things we talked about that I now realize we probably shouldn't have discussed with each other. And I suppose there are things about past relationships I'd be better off not knowing.

I guess it would be easier to sweep it all under the rug forever if I didn't actually have to socialize with the twin sister at every family gathering. I mean, just seeing her sitting next to my boyfriend irritates me now, because I'm basically looking at the couple they would make if the identical twin hadn't dumped him. It just bothers me. If they were just sisters (not twins), it would feel different for me.

Plus I still don't know what happened, except for the fact that she called off their wedding because she had met someone else. And she ended up marrying that other guy and is now still married to him and they have 4 kids.

I don't know what to do. Should I bring it up? How should I bring it up? And how do I keep the conversation from slipping into dangerous topics? Part of me is worried to find out that he might still have regrets about her leaving (although I'm sure that's not something he'd admit if it was the case). I don't know if I could deal with that. Even though I know he genuinely loves me.

I guess I'm also curious to know how much you guys know about your significant other's past relationships, and how little is too little and how much is too much (in your opinion).

March 7, 2010

Plus I still don't know what happened, except for the fact that she called off their wedding because she had met someone else. And she ended up marrying that other guy and is now still married to him and they have 4 kids.

I don't know what to do. Should I bring it up? How should I bring it up? And how do I keep the conversation from slipping into dangerous topics? Part of me is worried to find out that he might still have regrets about her leaving (although I'm sure that's not something he'd admit if it was the case). I don't know if I could deal with that. Even though I know he genuinely loves me.

I guess I'm also curious to know how much you guys know about your significant other's past relationships, and how little is too little and how much is too much (in your opinion).

Personally, I think it's kind of crappy of him not to have mentioned this to you earlier, due to the nature of his relationship with the ex (related to her sister, sees her on a regular basis).

I think my biggest question is why and what do you want to know? If you answer those questions I could better answer YOUR questions.

In regards to your last questions: Depends on the relationship. I would say that generally I've always known as much as I've wanted to know, so I have a hard time saying how much is too much and how much is too little.

One thing I'm having a hard time with in my current relationship is knowing quite a bit about my b/f's past relationships, but that he keeps changing his story, in a sense.

March 7, 2010

Thank you Jessa! I'm not sure what I want to know. I guess mainly what happened exactly. How they broke up, how it all happened, how he feels about it now.

Part of me wants to know what kind of relationship they had, whether they ever argued or not, etc. Because we never argue. And in a way, I guess I'd want to be able to recognize some patterns and avoid the same problems in our relationship.

But then again, maybe if I get to know more about their relationship, it will make me bitter.

I know, a lot of people have told me it was crappy of him not to tell me sooner, and I agree. But then, in a way, I can see how it happened. I mean, we started dating, briefly talked about past relationships (no details). I didn't know his family back then, and when I got to know them, our relationship had already gotten to the point where it probably wasn't as easy for him to randomly bring up the ex and go "oh hey, guess what". And I suppose it never felt like the right time, until it just sort of came out on New Year. It was bound to happen, but I suppose he was always concerned about my feelings and wasn't sure how to handle this.

It annoys me to no end that I'll have to see his sister-in-law for the rest of my life, and that this whole situation is something we're all stuck in. I don't know her all that well yet, and parts of her have annoyed me from day one (nothing major though, I mean, she's nice I guess). So the fact that she's his ex's twin doesn't help now. And I'm worried it will show next time I see her, because I don't want to be like that.

March 7, 2010

On our way back home in the car, I asked him about it, and he admitted that he had basically had a relationship with his sister-in-law's twin.

First and foremost. He was honest with you.

I didn't want to impulsively bring up negativity right then, because I wanted to give myself some time to digest it. I figured maybe when the initial shock has faded, I won't even feel the need to actually discuss the ex. But it's been 3 months now, and it's still bugging me. Not much, but it's just kind of there.

Secondly, I've always considered previous dating history one's own business. I should not have to account for my past to my boyfriend/husband unless it impacts him. After all, when you pursue a relationship with someone, it is from that moment forward. I'm never big on asking "how many people have you slept with, etc." because as long as you were safe, i'm "signing" up for this relationship, your good/bad.

In your case, you had an invitation into the situation. Your opinion mattered, as it depended on whether you both attended this function. That is when you should have asked the questions you had. Three months later? You haven't been honest with him. That's not fair.

I'm hesitating to bring it up because our relationship is absolutely perfect. And I know that one bad conversation can really mess things up on the long run. I guess it would be easier to sweep it all under the rug forever if I didn't actually have to socialize with the twin sister at every family gathering. I mean, just seeing her sitting next to my boyfriend irritates me now, because I'm basically looking at the couple they would make if the identical twin hadn't dumped him. It just bothers me. If they were just sisters (not twins), it would feel different for me.

I don't know what to do. Should I bring it up? How should I bring it up? And how do I keep the conversation from slipping into dangerous topics? Part of me is worried to find out that he might still have regrets about her leaving (although I'm sure that's not something he'd admit if it was the case). I don't know if I could deal with that. Even though I know he genuinely loves me.

I guess I'm also curious to know how much you guys know about your significant other's past relationships, and how little is too little and how much is too much (in your opinion).

I truly, truly believe this is minor. I don't think you should skew the balance as of now. What are you going to say? You have dated other women? You have cared about another woman? Of course he has. You are in an unfortunate situation, having to see her all the time- but you need to put your big girl pants on and handle this in a classy manner. She is married! She has 4 kids, and most of all- what she does with her life doesn't matter! He is not WITH her! They were not compatible.

And i'm sorry girl, but her being a twin - who cares. Honestly. I know it sucks. I get it. But the point is- you are with him. You aren't a "sexy twin", no- but according to you, your relationship is AMAZING. That is something that his sister-in-law doesn't have. They. Didn't. Work. Out. That's how relationships go, you are truly being unfair to him. You can't expect him to have a predictable, unexciting history devoid of love.

Your curiosity is originating from feeling inferior and lack of confidence. And in my opinion, this girl could have REALLY hurt your guy. Does that mean they are compatiable? NO. I think when learning of a partner's history (by the partner's OWN admission) it is the responsibility of the learner to be understanding and accepting. The partner is putting themselves on the line and sharing information that he/she DOES NOT have to share. And in that case, is looking for some sort of comfort/trust.

By asking your bf about these questions-- and i'm not even sure what you're going to ask. There are no rational questions.

-How did you meet?

-Did you love her?

-Do you find her more attractive?

-Why did she break it off?

-Do you still love her?

-Do you regret being with me?

All of these questions are so, so unfair. I cannot even express how wrong I feel is for you to ask him. And most importantly, this is a TENDER time in his life. Whether he's over it or not, it could not have been easy. And your approach is soley based on your jealousy and worry. You are his partner. You have a responsibility to him. He comes first in this case. You don't get to just ask him things (that are hard to talk about) because of your lack of security. And if he brings them up to you, you are there for HIM, not the other way around.

Girl, i'm sorry. I know this couldn't be easy. But don't let your fears dictate this conversation. Let love.

March 7, 2010

Secrets can kill relationships.

March 7, 2010

...

^^ I think maybe my post gave you the wrong impression.

I'm not insecure, and half those questions you listed are not questions on my mind. I do know he loved her (heck, he proposed to her). But I also know he loves me and could see himself marrying me. So I don't feel inferior.

Her life doesn't concern me, and I'm sure she's very much over it, since she's happily married with 4 children.

To be honest, I'm not interested in his past relationships, and his number doesn't matter to me either.

The only reason I'm stuck on this particular point right now is because we're all stuck in the same family now, and I have to hear about those people all year long and see them at family gatherings. When it comes to exes, I'd just rather not know anything and not hear about them or know what they look like. In this particular situation: I'm basically stuck with the exact opposite. I have to hear about those people, and look at her carbon copy at every celebration.

And when we're all sitting at the same table having dinner, I would like to be in the know. Because right now, I'm the only one at the table who doesn't really know what happened exactly and what the feelings and dynamics are between everyone involved.

And yeah, it really weirds me out that they are twins. You can tell me to get over it (I have told myself this a hundred times since new year), but it still doesn't change the fact that the situation is unusual and weird.

I'm not childish or immature. I wanted to give myself some time to digest it all so that I could first weed out the emotional parts and then have a a more objective view of it all. And now that's been done, I can see that I still have questions on my mind that don't seem to go away. I am worried that keeping it bottled up could become a source of tensions on the long run, so it feels like an open discussion is needed at this point in order to avoid future issues. But I also want to do this right and not make him feel like I'm putting him on the spot. I want to have the right approach and talk about what needs to be talked about, while avoiding topics that could potentially make things worse. Which is why I posted this thread.

March 8, 2010

^^ I think maybe my post gave you the wrong impression.

The last thing I want you to interpret from my post is that I'm being critical of you. I'm sorry if it came off like I thought you were behaving immaturely. I am glad you expanded your description however, I feel like I understand better. Hmm... if I were you- in this case, I'd definitely ask to be "in the know."

I'm sorry, I thought your post was more consumed with the fact that she existed, more than her actual presence in your life.

The good news is though, I think this can be resolved relatively easily. Communication is key.

Again, I'm sorry girl!

Good luck!

March 8, 2010

Yes, I think that you should bring this up with your bf, not as an argument, but just to get some more information. I think you're entitled, given the circumstances, and (again, given the circumstances) I think it's pretty crappy of him not to have brought this up earlier.

However, as a twin, PLEASE do not make this about the fact that she is a twin, and you think about this every time you see his sister-in-law (as a twin).

March 8, 2010

However, as a twin, PLEASE do not make this about the fact that she is a twin, and you think about this every time you see his sister-in-law (as a twin).

Can you elaborate about this? I'd like to read more about your perspective. I mean, they are identical. I think they even have the same hair cut and everything.

March 8, 2010

Can you elaborate about this? I'd like to read more about your perspective. I mean, they are identical. I think they even have the same hair cut and everything.

I'm also an identical twin. Being a twin can be difficult, because even people with the best intentions will not allow you to be an individual; you feel like a whole, but everyone else insists that you are only half of a whole.

A lot depends on the individual schemas of the parties involved, including your bf.

First and foremost my advice simply has to do with being sensitive to the fact that the sister-in-law is not your bf's ex. (Yes, I understand your point of view, but I'm asking you to see it from everyone else's, because I can guarantee that your bf, his brother, and his wife/sister-in-law do not see it the way you do; they see her and her twin as individuals; IME the chances of your b/f seeing the SIL and being reminded of his ex are slim to non-existent, beyond the fact that they are related - but he sees her as his SIL, and she is an individual, and NOT his ex. You see her and think of the ex; he sees her and thinks of nothing but his SIL - do you see what I'm saying?)

If you bring this up to your bf as you see the SIL and think of what he and his ex looked like together, and this gets back tot he SIL, she and/or the brother may lower their opinion of you. Twins never get to be individuals, simply because others will not let them be, and chances are the SIL and those close to her will not appreciate what they will see as a tired, typical and close-minded view of someone they thought differently about. Beyond that, they will also be very conscious of what you are thinking every time you see the SIL.

I could go on about this, but what my point is is that I think you should say something, but I don't think you should ever mention the fact that they are twins; I think you should leave it as they are family, and so on.

March 8, 2010

Can you elaborate about this? I'd like to read more about your perspective. I mean, they are identical. I think they even have the same hair cut and everything.

he's with you now - that should mean something to you.

if you want to know what happened and how he feels about it all - then and now - i would just ask him... don't make it a big deal.

i think he would be sad to understand that you've given this much thought... asking can help you get past what's on your mind.

March 8, 2010

I like to know enough about my ex's past, but not too much. There are some things that should stay secrets between two people in a relationship, just because knowledge is very powerful and the wrong knowledge can make or break a relationship sometimes. With that said, if my boyfriend were to tell me "oh she's my ex" I'd be like "oh ok" and keep it moving. Not a big deal. But she was his ex fiance if I'm getting this straight.

Plus I still don't know what happened, except for the fact that she called off their wedding because she had met someone else. And she ended up marrying that other guy and is now still married to him and they have 4 kids.

That's a big deal. He almost married her, and although I wouldn't want to know EVERYTHING about their relationship, I'd kinda wonder why it ended and if he was completely over her if things got serious between us. But that's just me.

March 8, 2010

There's a tasteful line in the sand about how far to discuss the past. But the past is the best way to gauge future behaviour.

To not tell you that he almost married his SIL's twin sister, makes you wonder what else he hasn't told you. This one is a little too close to home, something that he should have figured out, would come bite him in the arse.

March 8, 2010

There's a tasteful line in the sand about how far to discuss the past. But the past is the best way to gauge future behaviour.

To not tell you that he almost married his SIL's twin sister, makes you wonder what else he hasn't told you. This one is a little too close to home, something that he should have figured out, would come bite him in the arse.

Yes, exactly.

TBF, sometimes I wish you could make all my dating decisions for me.

March 8, 2010

Yes, exactly.

TBF, sometimes I wish you could make all my dating decisions for me.

Thanks. The past three years have been a steep learning curve about relationships and how they relate to myself. Wish I had done all this introspection prior to my first marriage, but sometimes it takes trauma to hammer home the necessity of it.

March 8, 2010

Everyone is different. For instance, a bartender at a bar we went to said hi to my boyfriend, gave us drinks, and we walked away. He then told me she was his ex girlfriend. -_- Not really any information I wanted or needed.

But now that I HAVE the information I never wanted, I started looking her up online and snooping. Exes bring out the psycho in me.

March 8, 2010

Exes bring out the psycho in me.

haha!

I used to feel that way in my early 20's, but I can slap some sense into myself now and keep a cool rational head about exes now.

Another thing that intrigues me is the reason why his parents went to the sister-in-law's get together that evening. As this was going to be with the woman who broke their son's heart and humiliated him by running off with another guy right before their wedding ... I'm starting to wonder who she actually ended up marrying and whether the guy is someone everybody already knew and still keeps in touch with for that reason. So it seems to me like the situation might even be more complicated than what I know so far.

*sigh* I'll just have to ask him.

Thanks for the advice. I'll try not to mention the twin thing. My initial reaction to him was that, and he said he doesn't look at them as the same person, which I believe. What I meant was that - to me - the visual of them sitting next to each other gives a bitter taste. But well, since no one can change anything about this situation, I guess I'll have to try really hard not to think of it that way.

I'll stick to factual questions.

March 8, 2010

Is the twin pretty?

March 8, 2010

Is the twin pretty?

Sure, she looks good. But so do I. I'd say looks wise, we're an even score.

That being said, her looks are irrelevant to my situation.

March 8, 2010

Yes, definitely. This is an odd situation, not the typical ex situation. As everyone appears to be still fairly entangled, relationship-wise, (parents, SIL, etc.) you deserve some answers. One of which should be an answer to the question "Why didn't you ever tell me sooner?"

March 9, 2010

I'm seeing him tomorrow. I'm not sure how to bring this up. Should I be like "Can I ask you something?" and then ask him what exactly happened with the ex?

I need some sort of intro line, because our conversations are always so happy and light, and this particular topic just isn't. So I can't just be like "hey". And "we need to talk" is NOT a good phrase lol!

March 9, 2010

I'm seeing him tomorrow. I'm not sure how to bring this up. Should I be like "Can I ask you something?" and then ask him what exactly happened with the ex?

I need some sort of intro line, because our conversations are always so happy and light, and this particular topic just isn't. So I can't just be like "hey". And "we need to talk" is NOT a good phrase lol!

I'm bad at these things; I'm pretty blunt. I would just say "In light of recent events, I have some questions about XXX I need answered, for my own comfort and peace of mind."

I like being blunt because 1. it's just who I am, and 2. I find that I'm more likely to get honest, blunt, straightforward answers (as opposed to him making a joke, or not being entirely seriously, or not giving me all the info I want, and then having to redirect the conversation).

When dealing with people for my job, I try to assess what kind of person they are to determine the best way to get them to open up and give me the info I want. Probably I should try to apply this to my personal relationships, but generally I just go for the easy way.

March 9, 2010

I agree with New Again, to try not to beat around the bush and also, to make reference to the recent situation, as a way to broach the topic.

"You know that situation, the other night with [insert SIL's name]? It's made me wonder about your ex, since she's still a part of your family's social circle. If you don't mind me asking, what happened, so if I end up bumping into her, I won't get side-swiped again?"

March 9, 2010

^^ Thanks. I won't beat around the bush, and I'm sure the conversation will become serious as soon as I bring it up. I guess I just want to start it right so he won't feel attacked or anything.

March 11, 2010

Well shoot. I couldn't even bring myself to mention it. Is it even worth it?

The mood is always so happy and light, it's like, bringing this up is an unnecessary headache. I don't know.

I suppose the fact that I won't be seeing his family for a while is helping. Maybe I'll be tripping again before we see them all in May. I guess I can always bring it up then. He does make me feel like I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had, and he seems head over heels. So it's not like I have any kind of insecurities about our relationship. I guess what bugs me the most is when we see them all and this mess gets back into the picture.

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Should I Ask Him About His Ex? ...... (How much do u know about ur s/o's past?)

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