Dumper stories

[unsaved]

So, a lot of us have problems moving on because we hang on to some form of hope or because we haven't had "closure." We find it hard to understand what our exes are thinking. Well, maybe we can give each other some help or insight into our own breakups by telling our own stories of times we have broken up with someone else, how we were feeling, what we were thinking, etc. Might be helpful for us to have insight into our own exes' behaviors.

 

I am a 26 y/o female and I have broken up with two guys in my life. Both were 2.5 yrs relationships. I did what many say that women do. I knew for several months that I was not happy in my relationships, yet I stayed in it because of comfort. There were many signs (stopped having sex, no excitement, etc). Well, I thought they were signs. In both relationships, I eventually found someone or had my eye on someone else before I was brave enough to leave. I feel so bad for this looking back. That is crappy. I was too much of a coward to end them at the right times. I was too scared to be alone. When I broke up, I found myself being very cold with both boyfriends. They wanted answers and all I wanted was to be away from them and not take the consequences for my actions or face their pain. I was selfish. But, I acted this way also because I knew I wanted these relatiinships over.I wanted away from them. Its so harsh but true.also, I thought that cutting off would be best for them. I didn't want to lead them on or let them think I was just "thinking about it" or "needed space." I didn't need that. If I were to ever go back to either, I was going to need someone else to show me that's what I wanted. So, I wasn't coming back.

 

So, thise are my two breakup stories. I'm not proud of them. Breaking up with someone is not easy. I know now that being as honest as you can during and after a relationship is so important. I haven't been. I know that I will though. I know that's what I wanted from the guy who dumped me 1 month ago. Ill never get it though. Ill get over it, but it makes it harder.

 

I am eager to read what others have to post

[unsaved]

Oh, and telling about how your feelings changed during the relationship also might help. For me,the attraction I had died for both of the guys. So, the sex tapered off.They both treated me WONDERFULLY. Just lost attraction. I was young. So, if u r a guy and you remember that for u, that may have been a problem for her and why she lost feelings and broke up.

[spriggig]

"...all I wanted was to be away from them and not take the consequences for my actions or face their pain."

 

I'm on the other side of this right now. My wife "left me" two years ago, but just didn't bother to tell me. I found out two months ago. I could show you the anger and pain, but you can imagine it for yourself.

 

All I want to say is SPEAK THE F UP! Before it's gone too far! Damn it!

[unsaved]

Hey, this was 3 and 6 years ago when I did this. I totally agree with you that I shouldve spoken up and said something now that it is after the fact. But, I'm just trying to tell you and everyone why I did what I did at that time, as a dumper. And your ex may be doing the same thing. Sorry

[McGrupp]

If I were to ever go back to either, I was going to need someone else to show me that's what I wanted.

 

wtf does this mean?

[USMCHokie]

wtf does this mean?

 

 

Be with enough other guys to realize that the grass really is not greener...

[unsaved]

Wow, people are touchy today...just wanted to post this thread to help :/ didn't mean to make people angry

 

Sorry, I was not clear. I meant basically that there would never have been a second chance for either of them until I had been with someone else. Does that make sense? In other words, some of you are waiting for a second chance and it probably isn't coming because your dumper wants to be with someone new and see if the grass is greener with someone new. I was just sharing my specific experience. Doesn't apply to everyone.

 

Let me know if that makes sense or not. Sorry again

[McGrupp]

sorry u just give me flashbacks of my ex.

 

its fun to be selfish. i hope they both are kick ass dudes and u just got dumped...oh wait!

[jjhart]

That description probably fits alot of relationships at the end. Alot of guys, well they are like me, and they dont recognize problems for what they are. Your description, of what you did in these situations fits what my ex did exactly. If you dont want a guy to talk to you anymore, be blunt. If you lost feelings/attraction, be blunt. I tried to talk to my ex twice, because it wasnt clear what happened, and i thought we could work things out. 2nd time i talked to her, things got nasty , and she said she lost feelings for me. and I backed off. When she was honest, i backed off.

 

I have been on your side of things as well. The person i broke up with, I hurt her, bad. A year later, we talked, and although she still made clear i hurt her bad, she said she couldnt not respect me for being clear and to the point about why things didnt work out.

 

There is no other way to say it. Be truthful, to the point. and blunt, if need be. The shock to the system, is harder, but shorter lived, at least i believe it would be. and i think you have said that.

 

 

the only other thing i can say is this: If you feel something is going wrong, get it out in the open. There are guys out there like me, who if they recognize there is a problem, they do whatever they can to fix it. If it can't be fixed, so be it, but do not rob them of a chance to try. Alot of us could be better at recognizing problems as well... i dont deny that...

 

Thanks for your post though. Maybe i can understanda little more about what was going through her head. I may not agree with it, but at least there was some thought behind it i guess...

 

Hope is a powerful thing, excuses just give false hope, truth hurts, but its real.

 

And with that description of your situation, and my luck you probably are my ex girlfriend... Now that would be funny...

[unsaved]

Alright. Well sorry. Guess I do deserve to never be happy again for making mistakes and being human. Didn't really expect a comment like that. I guess I didn't make it clear that I was and am sorry for what I did and I am feeling the pain currently bc of my own breakup and ex's behaviors. Probably shouldn't have posted this.

[McGrupp]

dont be sorry

 

Karma's a bitch

[unsaved]

Well, what about you all? Have you ever broken up with someone?

[trippi1432]

I think what people are trying to tell you on here Unsaved is that if you are not happy with the relationship, be honest and move on. On the other side of that, you are not being honest with yourself if your unhappiness stems from lusting after something new and different (i.e. greener grass).

 

In reality, it comes down to the point when you realized you were unhappy and the sex tapered off....was it before or after you started looking at someone else? Another way to look at that as well, is when you realized this, did you even bother telling your long term boyfriends so they had a chance to work on the relationship, especially if they treated you wonderfully?

 

In most cases, I have been the dumped, twice due to infidelity. My ex-husband's thought the grass was greener and both wanted to come back. The thing is, while they stated they were unhappy with the relationship, they didn't realize how good they had it until they moved to something new and found that it wasn't what they thought it would be. I wouldn't say I treated them wonderfully, but they lusted after the fact for the comfort they once knew. Once you go down that path Unsaved, the old relationship is forever changed. Infidelity causes that, even knock down drag out arguments can forever change a relationship. Words may be just words, but there are some that sting and can never be forgotten. Each rift can close the heart just a little bit more and infidelity can slam the lid on it.

 

I've only dumped two men in my life, one was physically abusive and the other one I suspected was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. Valid reasons on both occasions. The other two relationships were due to arguments or differing points of view and us both calling the relationship over.

 

The fact is, Unsaved, you are still young enough to learn a life-long lesson and what another poster stated here about Karma.....it is a b**tch and does come back to bite you. You would probably fair better to cool down for a while, learn more about yourself by yourself and what makes you happy.....not what someone else does to make you happy. Take care of your own yard.

[monkeymaid]

im game

 

i was madly deeply in love. ...still am actually, but it doesnt matter. my girlfriend and i were friends for 6 years before we got together. 1.5 years and 2 break ups later, i have little/no respect for her. why you ask?

 

because she started down the path of this "grass is greener" variety.

 

my story:

 

4 weeks ago she was feeling depressed that i had less time to hang out with her because i decided that for both our futures and that of our future kids, i would go back to school and pick up another job so that we could buy a house as soon as i finished school (2 years left). She understood and seemed to be excited and on board, or so she said, and to keep her spirits up, i wanted to give her a pic of us on our first real date jumping off of cliffs together. i picked up her phone to blutooth it and fumbling around saw a text that said something like this

 

"i have a boyfriend, but i really want to get to know you, so we should go out for coffee or drinks this week" i checked the rest of the texts, and it was Active flirting for about 4 days. i called her on it. she cried, apologized etc, and i forgave her after a few days.

 

1 week ago i went to wake her up with breakfast and a rose and she was acting REALLY weird. I picked up her phone becasue I know her actions stem from something, and she began the flirt again at 3 am that morning. i told her that we were done, and was angry/numb/activity monster till 5 days later where i was sad and trying to make excuses for her. day 6 i decided F this, and am continuing on with my life, goals etc... and today i am here about to go to work and telling you my breakup story.

 

Unsaved, if you want to know why the guys here are sounding bitter to you, its becasue there gfriends treated them the same way you desrcibed in your post. you are the written version and your story has struck a chord for them. i am no different, but i caught it early and ended it before she could. i will not stand for disrespect in my relationship and will not be used as a crutch if she is already on her way out.

 

only you can fix this. it sounds to me like you have insecurity issues and need a man to tell you you are beautiful, sexy, worth it, and when the initial attraction phase dies, and real love begins, you run for a newset of excitement instead of digging in for the long haul becasue as you and he realize you are seperate people again, you need the codependence to stay feeling good about yourself.

[unsaved]

LOL well thank you all. I really do appreciate the responses and I agree with all of you. In fact, I got my karma two and three-fold.BUT, I hope u all don't wait around for karma to happen to your exes. Cuz it might not

 

And of course I told the two guys in my relationships things were not going well and of course we tried. We tried and tried and tried. We BOTH were too scared to end things because we loved each other, in both situations. Yeah, I couldve ended it earlier but I wanted to keep trying. Sadly, me seeing someone else I may be interested in is what finally sparked me to leave. Insecure? Absolutely, I was. Not fair? Not at all. Shady? Yes. I'm agreeing with all of you.

 

I haven't made those mistakes since. Those guys are very happy in other relationships now. It was years ago. I've been in counselling and have discovered a lot about myself for it all. It wasn't cool.

 

But, do I regret what I did? No.I never cheated on these individuals. I am actually a pretty good girlfriend and I tried very hard. I just didn't end it when I should have.I was too scared and insecure and cowardly and codependent and whatever words u all want to throw out. I agree completely. I swear, I agree. I'm still growing and trying to learn from these mistakes.

 

I just wanted to post this to give u guys some opportunity to understand that this stuff happens. Some of your gf's or bf's are insecure, codependent, etc. and they do things like this. Humans break up for all sorts of reasons and in all sorts of ways. This was what I did, although I'm not proud :/ but, I am not afraid to tell people I did it. Just wanted to tell u the mindset I was in. Hope it helped someone

[jerrytodd]

Unsaved, would you in any way describe yourself as unfaithful under the circumstances that you had your eye on someone else while the other person in your relationship was blissfully unaware that you were passively or actively looking around. You said in both cases you were working on it - is the case that "working on it" while others were in the picture is really true?

 

I'm not asking this in an accusatory way, more trying to understand from my own situation which is, sadly, remarkably similar and your post saddened me enormously.

[unsaved]

That's the thing. It's not like I was flirting with other guys or talking to others while me and my exes were still together. Not at all. I'm a very faithful person. With the first relationship, one weekend I went away on a trip for school and there was a guy there that I liked. Nothing happened. The guy ended up not liking me back or anything. I just really liked him and realized I wanted something else. I realized that I had sexual attraction for someone else that wasn't happening at all in my relationship. With the second relationship, I met a guy through work and that same day, he asked me out for coffee. I told him no but a few days later I ended up breaking up with my b/f and started dating the new guy. It was like i was having long "flirting/texting/talking" affairs with these men. Does that make sense? I mean, it still is messed up and not right. Maybe that is being unfaithful. i dunno. What do you all think? Let me know if I'm being clear.

[jerrytodd]

I'll let others respond to the unfaithful question.

 

I suppose the one question I have to ask is "when does this stop for you?" Ideally there will be "the one". But if there is always "the next one" because you are highly attractive and you know that you can move on fairly easily how do you lock in.

 

My ex-Gf was married with a young kid and moved on from her marriage to me. Then from me to whomever she is seeing now (and was seeing or had her eye on while we were together and I was the blissful idiot!). I cannot foresee a situation where she ever really stops moving until someone breaks her heart and she realizes that she is not god's gift to women.

[abdellost]

\ I knew for several months that I was not happy in my relationships, yet I stayed in it because of comfort. There were many signs (stopped having sex, no excitement, etc). Well, I thought they were signs. In both relationships, I eventually found someone or had my eye on someone else before I was brave enough to leave. I feel so bad for this looking back. That is crappy. I was too much of a coward to end them at the right times. I was too scared to be alone. When I broke up, I found myself being very cold with both boyfriends. They wanted answers and all I wanted was to be away from them and not take the consequences for my actions or face their pain. I was selfish. But, I acted this way also because I knew I wanted these relatiinships over.I wanted away from them. Its so harsh but true.also, I thought that cutting off would be best for them. I didn't want to lead them on or let them think I was just "thinking about it" or "needed space."

 

 

Utter wow. My ex, my only GF actaully who i have been with since i was 15 (5 years). did what you did: she broke it off so harshly, via a text. then changed her number. She then text my sis and told her shes not contacting me or even replying to my cries of answers and closure because if she talks to me i would think there is hope and a chance for her to come back. She just kept telling my sis to tell me shes sorry and theres no hope. So i have a few questions for you: did you ever regret letting these guys go? I mean if they were ever good to you? I was great to her and she knew it and knew i would gave up anything ( i gave up so much already) for her. did you ever contact them later on to say sorry or anything?

 

You said there were signs and hints for them to know. how about if there was no sign? but a small argument that seemed to be the last straw YET everything was alright after the argument? She was all over me, hugging me and kissing my HAND. we had a small argument (first argument we did not reach a conclusion to, after 5 years). she cried saying she feels one day ill hate her etc etc. i was calming and holding her made her feel everything was ok. Next day boom, the break up and she was such an ass, telling me she didnt know if she loves me anymore (the day before she begged me never to leave her). What you think about it? Was there someone else she was eyeing? she never acted weird, and i always could read her. She was all over me like how she always was, you know. We had alot of stress, and i mean ALOT. her mom, college, future life. I was slowly trying fix everything :moving, getting a better job, making my family better with new items and such. i was working hard for her. But we had alot of stress with her parents and sneaking around.

 

And to be honest, i find what you did was selfish, like she did, and like you admitted it. no it doesn't make the guys feel better trust me. Makes them want to seek out revenge. And kills them. Not to mention it destroys who they are. I find people that do that, do it because their scared to get hurt.

[unsaved]

Jerry,

 

I really can't answer when it will stop for your ex. We all have our individual differences and circumstances. I think some people go through life not really knowing what they want, and end up stringing along a lot of people and breaking a lot of hearts, divorcing a lot, etc. I would like to think she's not like that. But who knows. I guess I was like that at 1 point in my life. At one point, I didn't know what I wanted either and I wasn't ready to settle down with either of these guys if I didn't know if i was going to be happy. I didn't know if they were what I wanted or not. Now, I know what I want in a mate. I have had enough experiences to tell . I am "READY" to settle down and have a family now, which I wasn't before, too. That also plays a big role.

 

I know now that I had two really good guys who, if I had met later in life, I may be marrying one of them right now. But, I didn't meet them later. I met them when I did and it didn't work out. I just wasn't ready for those great guys at those times, for whatever stupid reason. They weren't meant to be for me, for whatever reason. And now they are with who they WERE meant to be with. And I don't regret that one bit.

 

Abdell,

 

I don't know what to tell you in your situation. It sounds slightly different than mine. The day before my breakups, I wasn't "all over" my exes or telling them that they were the most wonderful things in the world and "I will never live without them" and stuff. We just had our normal daily routines. Almost like we were married. Just normal hugging and kissing and saying I love you as usual. In your case, she WAS saying those sorts of things, so perhaps her feelings are different and she is confused. I guess I don't really know.

 

The only reason I initiated a sort of "no contact" with my exes was b/c I have been led on in the past. The first relationship I was ever in, my ex kept talkin to me and talking to me and asking me if i was ok and leading me on and talking to me. I was in pain for months. It was one of the most painful experiences I have ever been in. I'd call and he would answer and tell me everything i wanted to hear. He thought it was helping. It wasn't. I always say, if you know you are not going to get back together with someone, then let them know and then CUT IT OFF for awhile. I have been strung along and it hurts bad. So, that's what I did. Not saying that's something I would do again either. I haven't broken up with anyone since and I hope to NEVER have to do it again. But, it only seems right to help you heal. I know you hate it, but it made sense at the time.

 

Hope that helps.

[MarBear]

Background:

Both of us divorced (young adolescent kids getting ready to go off on their own) Me in school full time and after having to get through a terrible abusive relationship lasting 17 years and taking 4 years to find the courage to date again.

 

This is my first real relationship since then and it was a LD relationship.

 

(Although he has dated for a while I think this was a kind of first real relationship for him as well I think. I’m not trying to put him down or up just stating the facts, as I know them.)

 

The short story goes:

I haven’t seen him for a couple months just prior to spending a week together in Vegas. When he gets back (we had contact everyday that he was gone with lots of “love you babe’s”) I pick him up at the same time having paper deadlines to finish and I take time out to spend time with him and really welcome him home. Then I take time to drive him to his other home and I go back to finish my papers. Then a few days later and for a second time in our relationship, he cuts off all communication for no apparent reason, then when I ask why he texts back that ‘why is it I can’t just give him space’…then there was other words but he may as well of had these ones in blaring neon “The spark is gone”. I ended that night’s conversation pretty quickly after that but first I got in a few FU’s. That night was restless and I spent the next day just doing homework and sitting silently with the pain…. then early that evening I got more texts and this is the conversation I chose to have:

 

Him: Do you still feel the same today?

Me: I’m trying to make my way through a philosophy book…my life will go on with or without you…I’m not sure what it is you want nor do I think you know either…you may be afraid of loosing something if your with me…shall I say freedom…so there is nothing I’m going to do to stop you…I’m not your keeper nor will I try…if you need time take all you want…like I said my life will go on…I want it to mean something to me so I will never give up on it…maybe its best we just let it go…I can’t do this anymore…its hard to find trust in a relationship that your not sure the other wants…and besides its to hard on my emotions to be wanted one day and ignored the rest…take the time to decide what it is you want in life…I may still be around or I may not but hopefully you will have discovered what it is you want…Are you ok?

Him: I guess you’re right in that I don’t know what I want…. I’m actually a wreck

Me: Just let it go…there’s nothing to get wrecked about…you’ll be fine eventually…then when your head is clear you’ll be free to figure out where you want to go from here…I’m not going to beg you to stay…it was always a choice you needed to make for yourself…however since its my feelings that are being tossed around with your indecisiveness it becomes my choice to let you do it to me or not…I choose not to live like that…nor do I think you want to either…we have to say good bye…and yes it hurts but it hurts equally as much if not more to leave it like this…give it time you’ll be fine and you’ll be free from the emotional upheaval that this relationship is causing…

Him: What is it that you want? What are your goals and dreams? You have made comments that there’s nothing holding you where you are … Doesn’t that create a lot of uncertainty for me as well? How am I to interpret all this? I’ve been wondering if I’m disposable when you decide what it is you want.

Me: Well all you had to do was ask me…instead you shut me out…I don’t know where I’m headed…I have school to finish…I set out to do it…its paid for so I’m going to finish…after that I don’t know…I have no plans…I guess I was just planning on going wherever my life takes me…after school I have to work…where or at what is too far in the future for me to see…but it was something I wished we could have talked about but when I brought it up all you could do was go silent and run…and no I have never thought you were disposable…hoping on flexible but never disposable

Him: Well that is what I want to be – flexible. I have no idea of where I’ll be in the future neither and am willing to just go with the flow so to speak, to a certain point. There are practical things, which I must plan for, such as a place to live that is not dependent upon being in [this work]. The writing is on the wall as far as my long-term continuation of what I do. And in all honesty that scares the hell out of me … All I know to do is [this work].

Me: Don’t you have bowling tonight?

(Ok in all honesty I switched the conversation here by not responding to his uncertainties. He could have brought them up way before this. Now I really don’t care what or what he doesn’t want or need or is confused about. Aren’t we all at times in our lives, is that a reason to just shut your feelings off? I don’t think so.)

Him: I’m not going. [Friend] and I went to the [restaurant] for supper and I couldn’t even finish one beer … It just started my guts churning so I’m staying home and trying to find something brainless to watch on tv and hopefully fall asleep

(Wants sympathy that I don’t have to give him)

Me: I didn’t go to class either…this mornings class was cancelled…but I am trying to get through some homework…and I’m trying to just stay calm…there is nothing I can do to change things so I’m just going to surrender to it and let it be…getting angry or falling into an emotional wreck just means I’m trying to control what is not in my control…basically just being still with the hurt…

Him: I’m sorry

Me: Don’t be…I’m not sorry I met you…just let me go …and don’t feel guilty I’ll be fine

Him: I know you’ll be fine as you’re a very strong lady … Its me that I’m worried about … For I do love you very deeply and I don’t know if I can go on without you

(I love you so deeply but “there is no spark” – This one isn’t worth a response and “I need space” – How much more space do you need was the last 2 months not enough?)

Me: You were doing perfectly fine before me and you will again…seems to me your problems started because you were with me…

Him: Not at all

Him: I’ll leave you be with your homework :*

Him: … That’s for now … Not permanently

 

I haven’t spoken to him since and frankly I really don’t feel like talking at all because for me it is permanent. I have set up the NC (No Contact) strategy and plan on sticking to it…after contemplation during my silent retreat, me, myself, and I have all agreed that we will not be treated in such a manner and plan on putting one foot in front of the other and continue on. Looking back, I saw it coming I read the signs and figured I’d be the one to not act in a cowardice way by taking control of my life and making decisions that are in my best interest. The love and trust are gone, I will not beg for someone to love me for I love myself enough already. So if I’m going to be in a relationship then I want one in which “Love is the responsibility of an I for a You”. One that brings me joy to do things for another, not wanting to change them, liking everything about them (even the things I don’t like), feeling loved whether together or apart, putting an effort into making two ways of living into a respected and honored one way and hopefully they will reciprocate by finding joy in doing these things as well…If loving someone becomes a burden it wasn’t really love in the first place because there was never a time that you let the other be a subject (instead of an object) long enough in order to feel their true essence as a person…Now I say up and on with LIFE!

[unsaved]

Oh, and funny you should mention, I DID go back and tell my exes I was sorry for what happened, what I did, and how wonderful people they are. Wrote them private facebook messages. Neither responded, which is how it should be.

 

In other words, someday you just won't care. You will think of your dumper as just another person in this world that you knew once and you're glad for not knowing anymore. Just someone who you knew as a part of life's journey.

[Rearden Metal]

Oh, and funny you should mention, I DID go back and tell my exes I was sorry for what happened, what I did, and how wonderful people they are. Wrote them private facebook messages. Neither responded, which is how it should be.

 

In other words, someday you just won't care. You will think of your dumper as just another person in this world that you knew once and you're glad for not knowing anymore. Just someone who you knew as a part of life's journey.

 

Ehhhh Idk I feel that way about very few ex's... I tend to harbor the "what if" a lot longer than most, I guess.

[jerrytodd]

Unsaved, in two posts, you have said that the men you dumped were now in the relationships that they were meant to be in. Unless you are a highly spiritual person who believes in fate I would honestly say you are saying that simply to ease your conscience.

 

I was dumped by a great sexy girl and I ended up marrying someone else. It hasnt worked out. This was over 25 years ago and I wonder many times about what if...

 

I believe the same thing is happening in my current breakup; if she found out I was with someone else it would ease the guilt enormously about breaking my heart. It would be great to see I was moving on so she could have a clear conscience. If in fact she feels bad about dumping me she would feel significantly less bad. Also, because she is a little nuts, it would also p*ss her off.

[Perhaps]

Unless you are a highly spiritual person who believes in fate I would honestly say you are saying that simply to ease your conscience.

 

the power of perception.