Dating someone old..um older.

[befreckled]

A couple weeks ago, I went on my first date with someone who's significantly older - almost two decades. (I'm 30) He is divorced, has been for more than a decade, has kids whom he sees very regularly, lives on his own, owns his own business. The general successful divorcee. His last relationship ended a year ago. Our first date was amazing, it was after work drinks that turned into dinner and, he called me the next day to ask me out on another date which turned into another date etc. Textbook interest - he always insists on paying, cooked for me on within the first week of knowing me, when I have been over at his place, he always encourages me to stay and it isn't sex..fairly content to sleep besides me)

 

Our first date, I told him that I wasn't in a rush to put labels on things (What the hell was I thinking, right?!) that I liked dating which is absolutely true...I love the non complexities that come with just dating (movies, drinks, dinner etc). I want to be sure that I have a semblance of a future with someone before I stamp a "BF" label on the poor olf.

 

We communicate pretty often - daily by email, every 2-3 days by phone. That said, I'm afraid that I might have given him the wrong impression that I'm not into commitment...we have been close to the topic before and I attempted to clear it by saying that it's easy to find someone to sleep with but it's hard to find someone who gets all the other stuff implying that he does with me and therefore, my interest. To his credit, he doesn't come across as a player, he has always dating one person at a time, and usually in a relationship (we live in a fairly small city so we have mutual friends who have told me so too)

 

I'm wondering if there's anything else I can do (not so much say) to let him know that I'm serious about him or will I have to rely on father time and just suffer the utter stupidity of the matter in the meantime?

[hearttobreak]

How long have you been seeing each other? Have you be intimate at all? Do you usually date someone 20 years older than you?

[befreckled]

less than a month, yes we have. no i don't usually date that much older, 6-8 years average usually.

[hearttobreak]

Spend time learning about his son. Since he seems to have a lot to do with him, try to include yourself. This would show you would like to get to know him more as well as his son. This would should serious intent on your part; in my humble opinion.

[befreckled]

I like that idea alot. I have shown interest in his kids whom I've not yet met, they seem like good kids as kids should be. He has more than a son actually, and it might be too soon for me to request that I be part of their lives but I can definitely show that I am interested.

 

Apart from that, I really can't think of anything else I could do without contradicting my spiel about loving the idea of just dating for awhile.

[befreckled]

We havent seen each other for more than a week on the account that both of us are insanely busy with work, him more than me. We still maintain constant email contact, we share a couple emails a day, we talk every couple days still. I inadvertently asked him out for drinks last week for this week and we made plans to go out.

 

yesterday he emails me to tell me that he might not be able to make it because a work event has come up and apologises profusely. he had originally intended to leave for a work trip to two countries that friday but, now he will make a shorter trip first, come back on Sunday and attempt a Sunday night date with me before leaving for that longer work trip.

 

I am in two minds about this - I'm wondering if he is blowing me off..but doesn't make sense to still maintain constant contact - he calls me usually or texts me and emails me. If he was, why would he come back for a date?

 

The busy period is his life is very believe-able, he is older..much more established in his career. I know for a certainty that he is only dating me (we share mutual friends, one of whom he works with and is close to me) when he talks about going out, it's with his kids or his friends who are men and that friend has verified this too.

[Eeyore79]

You're only 30... what are your plans for the future? Do you want kids and marriage, does he want more kids and remarriage, have you talked about this? What's your status... divorced, kids, etc? How old are his kids... pretty close in age to yourself? It all has a bearing on the situation and on how he views your relationship. With such a large age gap, he's bound to have concerns about how your future plans will mesh (if at all).

[carhill]

I'm 50, divorcing, was a virgin until 35 and don't generally have sex with women right away. The only way I'd be 'sleeping' next to a woman is after we made love

 

Either his dick don't work or something is off psychologically... A gentleman does not have a lady 'sleeping' at his house, nor does he 'sleep' at hers after knowing her such a short period and without having sexual relations. If you were drunk and couldn't drive home, you'd be welcomed to sleep in my guest bedroom which has its own bathroom.

 

Anyway, that's what I clued in on. Perhaps I'm completely wrong.... We old farts can be odd

[befreckled]

I'm 50, divorcing, was a virgin until 35 and don't generally have sex with women right away. The only way I'd be 'sleeping' next to a woman is after we made love

 

Either his dick don't work or something is off psychologically... A gentleman does not have a lady 'sleeping' at his house, nor does he 'sleep' at hers after knowing her such a short period and without having sexual relations. If you were drunk and couldn't drive home, you'd be welcomed to sleep in my guest bedroom which has its own bathroom.

 

Anyway, that's what I clued in on. Perhaps I'm completely wrong.... We old farts can be odd

 

oh. we have slept together. i'm just saying that it isn't the sex, he has asked me to stay over before and i have where, there was no sex involved.

 

Eeyore79: Right now, I cannot imagine having kids. I would be okay if I had no kids but I'd like to get married. I don't really make plans in that traditional sense. I think you can make all the plans in the world and meet someone who completely challenges that ideal, and realise that lists and plans can go out the window. We haven't talked about anything of that nature. We are dating casually, and by that I mean...there is no talk of "us", I don't want to be the one who brings that up because, I told him on our first date that I like not being in a rush (and I still feel that way), I don't want to date someone x 5 and then automatically be his girlfriend. His oldest son is the exact age gap between him and me - 18 years. He has three kids total, they live with their mother, he sees them daily. I just want to establish that he likes me and wants a future..whatever that might entail, a relationship first, a marriage..but something you know?

[carhill]

OK, a 'couple weeks ago' you started dating a much older guy, have 'slept together', but you do 'stay over' and sometimes there's 'no sex' involved? That's a lot of livin' in a couple weeks.

 

What's your prior experience been with this 'dating' style? How's it gone for you? Is this dynamic normal for you? I'm assuming you can disconnect emotion from sex, or at least it sounds like that from your post. If you and he are compatible in that way, I think you'll get to determining the other compatibilities as time goes by. If not, it will likely blow up in your face.

 

Superficially, most older guys I know, married or not, would love to get laid by an attractive woman nearly half their age. Somehow, I just can't wrap my head around it. Guess it's the daughter thing.... hence, you'll likely get better advice from a more 'normal' older man

[befreckled]

good summary, we went on 2 dates the first and second week and one on the third week. I've stayed over three times. admittedly, it is not my usual mode of dating. there was a connection, i didn't really want to hold back because of the "rules". i don't feel more connected with someone if i did sleep with someone so in that light, you are right.

 

i have asked him about it and he likes dating woman my age because, it comes without the regular emotional baggage that woman his age would carry and of course, the nubile bit doesn't hurt one bit either. i am the first date he has had since his break up a year ago. i guess i'm trying to determine if he likes me enough to consider a future, exclusivity etc.

[flc]

I would agree with Carhill, being 52, if I had a 30 yo sleeping over and we comfortable together sex would be involved, so that is somewhat odd unless he is just making sure he does not not rush it and scare you off.

 

Overall though I think making a 20 year age difference work is going to be hard. I dated a couple of women in their high 20s, low 30s and it was fun but in the end our life experiences were so different as well as our interests that it would never work in a LTR.

 

In the end though it is not about generalities it is about how you two relate, good luck.

[befreckled]

flc: thanks for your good wishes. i feel as if our life experiences are quite diverse but it isn't necessarily a bad thing now.

 

i feel very conflicted. part of me knows i have to give it time before i spring a "where are we going with this" speech and if i do want something more serious and he agrees, am I sure that it's what I want.

 

yet there's a part of me that wants to just let him know that i'm willing to drop the other guys to give this a try.

 

argh. i hate feeling this way.