Ever been in love, but feel like there is someone else you are supposed to meet?

[EarthSea]

This is my first post on LS, in fact I've never posted this anyplace --- but I'd be grateful for your perspective.

 

I'm a man, age 48, who has been in a loving relationship with a sweet, caring woman (age 36) for the past 6 years. For this post, I'll call her Mariah. At first glance, we have a great relationship. We share the same progressive values, enjoy being physically active, both are divorced parents not seeking to have more children, enjoy affection and touch often, have an amazing (wild) sex life, enjoy plenty of physical attraction in both directions (she is a former fitness model), we both are into living simply and eco-friendly, and even enjoy the same foods. We have professional jobs in different towns, so have never lived together; but are only 20 miles apart - so we see each other fairly frequently and spend the night together 2-3X per week. We rarely argue and agree on most things.

 

Yet for the past year or so, I've had a slowly growing feeling that even though I love Mariah, there is another woman "out there" - maybe even a soul mate that I'm meant to meet. I question is this romantic delusional BS that one can easily find in a Hollywood Movie, or am I hearing a real voice through the mist --- of a woman telling me I'm here? So what's missing with Mariah? ((((magic))))). The only way I can describe it happens between the big stuff. Picture a quiet Sunday morning enjoying breakfast with your partner; you each have a section of the paper and while reading it, you catch a quick glance together - and in that nano-second you know - (I know)- that she is right for me and visa verse. Ya just know! I've had tons of fun with Mariah and I do love her - but that magic spark is missing. Yep. I believe you can love, but still miss that transcendent knock your socks off love.

 

At 48, I fear that this may be a grass can always be greener thing - what we have is pretty damn good already, and to leave it just because I have an intuitive hit that there is someone else??? I might not ever have it this good again! But the feeling (that I'm supposed to be with someone else) does not go away and no, I have not shared this with Mariah yet. I don't think she has any doubts about us.

 

FYI there is no other woman I'm interested in, nor have I met my theoretical soul mate. There is nothing tempting me to leave - except this voice in my head!

 

I'm here questioning if you have ever had a similar experience?

 

Thanks in advance for your wisdom.

 

peace out~

Edited March 1, 2010 by EarthSea

[sumdude]

Can't say I have though I thought had it with my ex wife. To be honest I would love to have something good going as it seems you do. Been divorced almost three years and have yet to meet someone that I've had a lasting relationship with. They are hard to find so think about that.

 

Question for you though.. have to ask. Have you felt this way before when in a relationship?

[Scarlett513]

I know a lot of people who would give their right arm to have what you seem to have. To me it does sound like a grass is greener type of mentality. If you were feeling this way because you were somehow dissatisfied with your relationship, I would answer your question differently. Because you seem happy with this woman, I would urge you not to ruin something good over a "soul mate" you don't even know exists.

[EarthSea]

 

Question for you though.. have to ask. Have you felt this way before when in a relationship?

 

No. I've some some great relationships and a few hard landings. I was married for 12 years and I knew my ex-wife and I were no longer happy, but I was not feeling this. I did not have this goofy or crazy or real feeling that I'm supposed to be with someone else.

 

I'm talking life partner stuff. I'm not talking about being restless - I just don't think Mariah is meant to be life partner.

 

Thanks for the reply sumdude!

[EarthSea]

.... Because you seem happy with this woman, I would urge you not to ruin something good over a "soul mate" you don't even know exists.

 

Thanks Scarlet. I'm just not entirely satisfied. Should one ever "settle" in relationship? Part of me agrees with you and I question the whole green grass thing myself! But middle age reminds me that life is short -I know I could be happier.

 

Think Rolling Stones lyrics - ya can't always get what ya want, but if you try sometimes...you just might find...you get what you need.

 

Of course, I have no evidence in the whole soul mate thing, but if they do exist - I imagine there is more than 1 person for each of us - now finding them, that's something else!

 

Leaving could be a huge mistake - or exactly what I need to do.

[Awesome Username]

I think that you two need to go off and have a vacation or an adventure or something. It sounds to me like you have gotten used to the order and predictability in your life, which gives your imagination time to wander. It doesn't have to be anything huge, but preferably something physical like hiking, skydiving, dancing or going out shooting. It sounds like you need some blood to pump in your veins to feel emotionally healthy again, and it could bring you two together. She might be your soulmate, but you just haven't been able to see it yet.

[SarahRose]

The right partner is who you decide is the right partner. It is a conscious choice and decision.

 

It sounds like grass is greener syndrome.

 

Why would you waste 6 years of this woman's life if you don't think she is a life partner?

[lordWilhelm]

I think it's good to sometimes question your current relationship, and in your case it seems like you're questioning it and nothing is wrong with it. In that case, to break up just because of some romantic delusion about a perfect soulmate existing there, somewhere, is just that -- a delusion.

 

Get your head straight on, and appreciate what you have!

[bac]

IMHO There is no magic for people who are around 48y.o.

All magic is left in the past, probably in 20s. It is a miracle that a man 48 y.o. could find a woman and it workes out well.

[pandagirl]

I think everyone wants that "magic," but some people's expectation of what a relationship should be is higher and, maybe, unrealistic.

 

For me "magic," is being with someone you adore and love and who you are compatible with. As a 31-year-old, I think I know myself well enough that I am a person who doesn't expect a relationship to fulfill every aspect of my being. For me it's about compatibility, respect, admiration, and yes, sex.

 

The OP may just want "more," but the danger is that is there is always "more." I would advise to the OP to do something romantic and exciting with your SO -- it might create a spark to your relationship. From what you say though, it sounds like you have it pretty good already!

[EarthSea]

The right partner is who you decide is the right partner. It is a conscious choice and decision.

 

It sounds like grass is greener syndrome.

 

Why would you waste 6 years of this woman's life if you don't think she is a life partner?

 

Thanks for the response Sarah --- I did not get the sense that there might be (someone else) until sometime in 2009. And FYI, Mariah and I are not in a rush to get married and live together until all the kids are out of the house.

 

If I felt we were simply not a good match, or if I was obviously unhappy - no way would I string her on just cause of the TLC or sex or whatever. I posted this cause I need a reality check. It's easy for people to be blunt online - that's why I posted the question.

 

And BTW, though I agree we have control over our choices of partners - I think the heart sometimes walks a different path than the head - not sure one can do much about that

Edited March 1, 2010 by EarthSea
spelling fix

[Ruby Slippers]

Did you EVER have that spark? If so, you can easily get it back. There are all kinds of ways to do this, including something as simple as engaging in mildly risk-taking behavior together (hiking, whitewater rafting, etc.). Investigate the dozens of other ways to do this.

 

If you NEVER had it, you probably never will.

[EarthSea]

Did you EVER have that spark? If so, you can easily get it back. There are all kinds of ways to do this, including something as simple as engaging in mildly risk-taking behavior together (hiking, whitewater rafting, etc.). Investigate the dozens of other ways to do this.

 

If you NEVER had it, you probably never will.

 

Thanks Ruby. Well ... I think the BIG spark was (and still is) sexual and the fact we simply get along so well. Again - could be part of the mid-life crisis thing - but eventually, even the most adventurous sexual relationship can't sustain without other parts being fulfilling. I guess I just crave the intellectual stimulation to be equal to the sexual - and in that category, the sparks have been hit & miss.

 

I want it all in relationship and maybe that's a fantasy.....

[Mr White]

Darn hippies .

[threebyfate]

What do you consider intellectual stimulation, Earthsea?

[SadandConfusedWA]

Personally, I completely get you. I rarely let my relationships progress past a couple of months because I feel that the "magic" is missing. I also know that I am not delusional because I met men before that I have felt that inexplicable magic. I would sacrifice a lot of on paper compatibility for it (which is the reason why I don't write lists as in what I am looking for in a partner - ALL I am really looking for is magic and that is hardest to find).

 

You seem like a romantic rather than a pragmatic so lots of pragmatic people won't get you. You also must face the very real possibility of letting Mariah go and never finding that elusive magic. If you are not prepared to risk it all and walk away with nothing then stay in your current relationship.

 

Also, I don't believe that at 48 you are too old for magic. It can happen at any age.

[aerogurl87]

Well OP I see where you're coming from. I've felt that inexplicable magic with only one person in my life so far, and that's my ex boyfriend whom I hate. Every minute of us being together was like reliving the first week of us talking. Even after 6 months of not saying a word to each other, the "magic" was still there, made no sense but I'd kill to have that again. With that said, I'm willing to I guess you could say "settle" for less than the awe inspiring magic that I had with my ex. I'd settle for initial butterflies that die off and fade in time if it means a life of stability with my partner and not having my heart broken over and over again. I think you just need to find a suitable middle ground and then ask yourself if Mariah matches that compromise and whether or not you can be happy and content with just her.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well ... I think the BIG spark was (and still is) sexual and the fact we simply get along so well.

The big spark is always sexual. It's infatuation, the byproduct of brain chemicals stirred up in the mating process. And it always has a shelf life -- roughly the time needed to create and raise offspring to toddlerhood (1-2 years or so).

 

After infatuation, you make the commitment to love, and you renew that commitment choice each and every day.

 

I guess I just crave the intellectual stimulation to be equal to the sexual - and in that category, the sparks have been hit & miss.

How is the intellectual connection lacking? Did you ever have this? I know of some good ways to rev this up, too.

[EarthSea]

What do you consider intellectual stimulation, Earthsea?

 

Thanks for the response threebyfate. Intellectual stimulation = she surprises me, she has a driving curiosity about what is going on in the world, her creative humor gives me that deep belly laugh, and she can wax poetic or romantic with her mind, not just her body....for starters anyway.

 

Mariah is book smart - she has a Masters. But I'm rarely surprised and she's just not that curious. Too add, and this could be BIG - she is a single mother to two (just turned) teenagers. Kinda hard to not be distracted eh? My kids are older.

[EarthSea]

Personally, I completely get you. I rarely let my relationships progress past a couple of months because I feel that the "magic" is missing. I also know that I am not delusional because I met men before that I have felt that inexplicable magic. I would sacrifice a lot of on paper compatibility for it (which is the reason why I don't write lists as in what I am looking for in a partner - ALL I am really looking for is magic and that is hardest to find).

 

You seem like a romantic rather than a pragmatic so lots of pragmatic people won't get you. You also must face the very real possibility of letting Mariah go and never finding that elusive magic. If you are not prepared to risk it all and walk away with nothing then stay in your current relationship.

 

Also, I don't believe that at 48 you are too old for magic. It can happen at any age.

 

Dear Sad & Confused --- thanks so much for getting me! The pragmatic advise so far has been very kind, but quite...pragmatic! Am I a romantic? Absolutely!!!Let me count the ways....naw, too many! I have had a taste of the magic long ago (another story) so I know it's real.

 

You nailed it by suggesting I need to be prepared to let Mariah go and (maybe) never finding the *magic* - but I also agree that at any age, magic is still out there!!!Of course, it is a BIG risk to let her go to follow a dream, there is love there and the journey to find the treasure could get quite lonely - and yet if I found it again, it timeless.

 

Thanks for sharing!!!!

 

Reminds me of something Bobby Kennedy said a long time ago: "Never fear the path of truth for lack of people walking on it."

 

p.s. Let me know if I can offer advice for the sad or the confused stuff!!

[Barky]

is this romantic delusional BS that one can easily find in a Hollywood Movie,

 

Yes

 

or am I hearing a real voice through the mist --- of a woman telling me I'm here?

 

No

 

............

[prettybaby]

Your instincts may be right.

 

I felt that way while I was with my ex. We eventually made the jump and broke up, and I ended up with my other half

[pandagirl]

Thanks for the response threebyfate. Intellectual stimulation = she surprises me, she has a driving curiosity about what is going on in the world, her creative humor gives me that deep belly laugh, and she can wax poetic or romantic with her mind, not just her body....for starters anyway.

 

Mariah is book smart - she has a Masters. But I'm rarely surprised and she's just not that curious. Too add, and this could be BIG - she is a single mother to two (just turned) teenagers. Kinda hard to not be distracted eh? My kids are older.

 

OK, this makes more sense to me. If intellectual stimulation is important to you, and she isn't curious or can make you laugh hard, then yeah -- I can see how you would crave that. For me, that intellectual spark is so important!

 

BUT, sometimes you can't have everything. It's hard enough to find someone you love who loves you back. If you're willing to give this up in hopes of finding something more -- think hard about it -- but also do what you need to do, keeping in mind you will probably lose Mariah forever.

[boogieboy]

Hey Earthsea, I can understand that you might feel an intellectual void from your gf. It will probably get worse as time goes on. You might feel resentment towards her eventually....so you really might have to break this off and find someone else. The question is, what qualities are you willing to give up to have that intellectual stimulation? You know, like the qualities that your gf has now?

[stillafool]

This is my first post on LS, in fact I've never posted this anyplace --- but I'd be grateful for your perspective.

 

I'm a man, age 48, who has been in a loving relationship with a sweet, caring woman (age 36) for the past 6 years. For this post, I'll call her Mariah. At first glance, we have a great relationship. We share the same progressive values, enjoy being physically active, both are divorced parents not seeking to have more children, enjoy affection and touch often, have an amazing (wild) sex life, enjoy plenty of physical attraction in both directions (she is a former fitness model), we both are into living simply and eco-friendly, and even enjoy the same foods. We have professional jobs in different towns, so have never lived together; but are only 20 miles apart - so we see each other fairly frequently and spend the night together 2-3X per week. We rarely argue and agree on most things.

 

Yet for the past year or so, I've had a slowly growing feeling that even though I love Mariah, there is another woman "out there" - maybe even a soul mate that I'm meant to meet. I question is this romantic delusional BS that one can easily find in a Hollywood Movie, or am I hearing a real voice through the mist --- of a woman telling me I'm here? So what's missing with Mariah? ((((magic))))). The only way I can describe it happens between the big stuff. Picture a quiet Sunday morning enjoying breakfast with your partner; you each have a section of the paper and while reading it, you catch a quick glance together - and in that nano-second you know - (I know)- that she is right for me and visa verse. Ya just know! I've had tons of fun with Mariah and I do love her - but that magic spark is missing. Yep. I believe you can love, but still miss that transcendent knock your socks off love.

 

At 48, I fear that this may be a grass can always be greener thing - what we have is pretty damn good already, and to leave it just because I have an intuitive hit that there is someone else??? I might not ever have it this good again! But the feeling (that I'm supposed to be with someone else) does not go away and no, I have not shared this with Mariah yet. I don't think she has any doubts about us.

 

FYI there is no other woman I'm interested in, nor have I met my theoretical soul mate. There is nothing tempting me to leave - except this voice in my head!

 

I'm here questioning if you have ever had a similar experience?

 

Thanks in advance for your wisdom.

 

peace out~

 

 

I know the feeling you are talking about. At least you never met that person and lost them. Some people never meet that person and will never experience what that type of love is like.